indie jane.

Saving Anna - Chapter 8

2006-11-21T01:30:58Z

I didn't mind going to school so much now. Sure, I dreaded my classes and having to sit next to kids that gave me funny sideways glances and when they had the nerve, made cracks about my baggy clothes or my lank hair. I didn't mind though because at least I could eat lunch with my friends. We would scramble to get a good table, and for an hour, I knew what high school felt like for all the happy kids. Lunch really was fun. You could sit and chat while snacking on random things that you barely noticed. The eating was just an aside. It was something you prolonged so you could joke around longer until half the cafeteria was empty and the only people left were the lunch ladies as they readied the kitchen for the next batch of youngsters. The lunch ladies gave us extra milks and even sometimes extra pudding because once Adam drew pictures of them, and gave them to the ladies for Christmas. They had been thrilled; he was their favorite school kid ever since.

I also liked tutoring class. For one obvious reason; that being Brady but also because now I actually understood my assignments, and I had stopped flunking all my tests. I still wasn't going to college – something which horrified Josie who's parents had planned on her going to State ever since she was born. Adam was thinking about art school, but probably online since he hated going into classrooms and having to be certain places at certain times. Mainly he wanted to move to the city after school, and get some meaningless dead-end job that would give him just enough money to live on and plenty of time for his art. Josie and I would laugh at his plans, but they didn't sound half bad to me. Sure, I didn't have a talent to fall back on like he did, but the thought of living independently in the city with Adam sounded nice. Adam and I had talked about moving there together several times. The idea excited us both. Plus, Brady lived there...

I didn't tell Adam that was one of my reasons for wanting to go though. That would only hurt his feelings. And I hadn't told anyone about my crush yet, not even Josie. She would probably just laugh at me anyway. I know I would. Besides, I think she was right in thinking that maybe Adam did have feelings for me. Sometimes I would catch him looking at me in a way very reminiscent of Brady, and sometimes he would graze his hands softly over my hair when he thought I wasn't paying attention. Then he would sharply draw his hand back when I looked over at him. He was the best friend I'd ever had though, so I didn't want to screw up our friendship. So I decided we should just stay friends. I knew Adam would probably never tell me how he felt, so I was probably safe from that whole ordeal of having to tell him I just didn't feel the same.... or at least I thought I didn't. Sometimes I thought I liked Adam, but other times I'm certain it's just as friends. Like when he lets me rest my head on his shoulder during long school assembly's or when he brings me freshly picked dandelions because he knows I look at them as flowers instead of as disgusting weeds like my parents do. Nicole had thought so too; when she was little she used to cry when Dad would cut the lawn and ruin the big patches of dandelions that would grow in our yard. I told Adam the story one night in December, and I guess he never forgot it. Yeah... when he does things like that; sometimes I get really confused about how I feel about him.

“So do you want to hang out tonight?” Adam asked as we walked from lunch to our lockers to get our books for our next classes.

“I can't.” I said. This was one of the days I knew Brady would be waiting for me in his car by the cemetery. He always was on Tuesday afternoons. It had grown to be a little routine between us that we never spoke about. “I have to get home and do some chores.”

“Man, they work you constantly.” Adam said, shaking his head.

Brady and I met up every Tuesday... sometimes Wednesday... never Thursday... and sometimes Friday. Always Sunday too. That was the day we would sit out by Nicole, but on the other days he would just pick me up in his car by the front entrance of the grave yard. I would always jokingly ask him what wild party he was missing, but he'd just shake his head and tap his fingers on the steering wheel. Parties weren't important, he would say. Then we'd go back to talking or we'd just sit and stare out at the sky as it grew dark. When we could see the stars, we knew it was time to go. He would drive me home, and sometimes he would give me a hug goodbye. I used to be nervous about it, and would only hug him with one arm. Then finally I returned the hug, and started resting my head on the warm shoulder of his coat or when he had on just a t-shirt, I could almost feel the skin underneath. Sometimes we sat like that longer than we really should. We would break apart, and I would leave the car not looking him in the eyes.

I was slowly becoming obsessed with our time together, and remembered every word he spoke to me. I didn't even write about them in my journal though because I was afraid of talking about it out loud. I didn't want anyone to know. Not because I was ashamed – which I was, just a little bit though – but because it wasn't theirs to know. The time we spent together was ours and ours alone. It wasn't even about Nicole anymore. It was spending time with Brady, someone i was starting to care for very deeply. Deeper than I'd like to admit actually. I'd never been in love so I didn't know the symptoms, but I wondered if this was what it felt like. I talked about love with Josie a little, all the while keeping Brady's name out of it, and she said if you were really in love you would just know it – no questions asked. So maybe it wasn't love, but whatever it was... it scared me. And made me feel happier than I'd felt in... well... ever.

Brady drove me home that night after we had sat at the park in his car, and listened to music. We hadn't really even talked. I had seen him glancing at me though, his hands firmly set on the steering wheel like he was afraid what he'd do with them if he moved them. I wondered. He stopped in front of my house with the front window lights brightly lit. He glanced at me. “I... I don't know if you'd be into this kind of thing, but do you remember Gale?”

The other best friend of Nicole's. I had known her a little better than Brady back when. Sometimes she had spent the night at our house, and she used to call me Shortcake. I had liked her because she reminded me of Nicole, and whenever Gale was around; Nicole was always laughing. They called each other Stupid 1 and Stupid 2 jokingly and were always thinking up new weird ways to wear their clothes.

“Yeah... she used to always hang out at our house.” I said.

“Well, she's in a band now.” He told me looking at me with his dark, serious eyes. “A really awesome band that plays in the city at the Yellow Lights. Do you remember-”

“I remember Nicole mentioning it.” I said softly, memories flooding back. “She said that's where she liked to uh.. get hammered.”

Brady kind of smiled. “They have a very loose under-age drinking policy, I have to admit... but the music is really awesome, and Gale is playing next Friday night. I saw her in town yesterday, and I told her that I was your tutor now. She said she really wanted to see you, but she didn't feel right just dropping by your house because well... you know how your parents are.”

I certainly did.

“So... would you want to come see her play or something? You could bring along your friends.”

“Um, sure...”

“I could give you a ride if you don't have one.”

“No, Josie has a car... she's been saying how she wants to check out more local shows. I bet this would be right up her alley.”

He smiled. “Great then. Let me write down the information for you then...”

He wrote down the directions, time and place on a napkin that was laying on the floor from the fast food we had wolfed down earlier. For some reason, when I was with him, eating wasn't such a chore. It was actually pretty easy. He handed me the napkin, and I folded it neatly into my purse. “I... I guess I'll see you later.”

“Alright.” He said softly. “I probably won't be in the tutoring class all this week because of exams, so I'll probably see you Saturday at the show. I'll be waiting by the bar for you guys.”

He leaned in, and I could smell his cologne that I loved. He hugged me, and I ran my hand up to his hair just for a moment. It was so soft and a bit damp from sweat. I wondered if he noticed or he minded, but he didn't say a word as our hug ended, and I stepped out of the car and into the night. As always, he waited until I was inside to drive away.

“Just get home from Josie's?” My Mom called from the kitchen as I slipped my shoes off by the door.

“Yep.” I lied easily.

“That didn't look like Josie's car.” Jason said from the couch where he was sprawled out in his boxers and a basketball jersey. His socked feet were slung over the side comfortably, and on the TV was a tape of last night's basketball game that he played. He liked to analyze the plays he made, and make notes on how to improve. That's what he said anyway. I think he just liked to watch himself.

“It was.” I said.

“Whatever you say.” He said, his eyes going back to the television. His on-screen self made a massive three point shot. The crowd cheered, and real life Jason threw his hands up in victory. “God, I'm fucking awesome.”

I stared at him. He just continued cheering for himself, and giving himself a congratulatory pat on the back. I rolled my eyes. Then went to bed.

“Who is this band?” Josie questioned me at school the next day as I told her and Adam about the band Gale headed. “Are they like... famous or something?”

“Well, no.” I said. “They're a local band.... a girl named Gale is the lead singer. She went to school here.”

“Gale?” Said Adam promptly. “She was Nicole's best friend, right?”

I stared at him. “You know her?”

“Well, no.” He said. “I just remember hearing her name in regards to your sister...”

I felt slightly disconcerted. “Well, yeah... they used to hang out a lot.”

“Small town.” He said as if he noticed my discomfort. “And I have a good memory for names.”

“It does sound like fun.” Josie said, oblivious to everything we had just said. “We could go, and spent the night at my cousin's apartment. We could make a weekend of it in the city. I could do some shopping, and we could check out a bunch of clubs.”

“And get thrown out because we're not old enough to drink...” Adam smirked.

“We can get in.” Josie said with a wave of her hand. “I look older anyway.”

“I look twelve.” I smirked.

“I'd say just about fourteen.” Adam said with a smile.

“Thanks.” I said mockingly.

“So...” Adam was staring at the napkin that I had taken out of my bag. “Who told you about this show?”

“Brady.” I blushed slightly. “He told me about it in class yesterday...”

“Brady.” Adam repeated. “Huh.”

I didn't like the look on his face whenever I brought up Brady's name. A shadow crossed over it. “Well... yeah... he and Nicole were friends with Gale. He still keeps in touch with her, and he mentioned to Gale that he tutors me now. He said she wanted to see me. She used to hang out at my house all the time, and I liked her...”

“Oh.” Adam said, sounding slightly sorry. “Well, yeah... that would be cool. I guess she can't just drop by your house or anything. Considering how your parents would probably flip out.”

“Yeah...” I said hollowly. “They'd have to, you know, actually remember they had another daughter.”

Josie sighed. “I'm sure they wouldn't mind... why don't you try to bring her up once in a while? Someone has to.”

“I wouldn't want to talk about her with them even if they tried.” I said shaking my head. “I've given up on them.”

“That's sad.” Adam said simply.

“Life is sad.” I shrugged.

Josie tried to brighten us all up. “But the show looks fun... and I'll call my cousin and ask if we can stay with her. It'll be a really awesome weekend together, you know? Our first big trip away from my home.”

“We can check out the place we'll soon live.” Adam said, smiling at me questioningly.

“Yeah..” I said, staring at the napkin with Brady's neat handwriting on it. “It sounds... fun.”

I didn't tell my mother my big plans. Instead I had decided on telling her I would be spending the weekend with Josie, but Josie ended up ruining my plan. Josie had finally convinced her mom to let her go after tons of begging and pleading, and Josie's Mom ended up calling Adam's Dad and my Mom to talk about our big expedition. Adam and I hadn't told our parents about our plans though; so they were plenty surprised when they receive the phone call. My Mom came in my room Friday afternoon while I sulked because Brady hadn't been at school at week, and hadn't been waiting for me at the graveyard like usual. A part of me was worried he had gone off me, but another part of me was more practical and said it was just his exams keeping him away. Either way, I worried.

“So I just got an interesting phone call.” My Mom said standing in the door way to my room. “Your friend Josie's mother Pam called me to talk to me about some trip you all have planned to stay in the city for two days. Why wasn't I told about this?”

“I was going to.” I lied. “I just forgot.”

She raised an eyebrow. “I'm not sure it's that good of an idea... I don't even know this person she's telling me you're staying with.”

“Her name is Gretchen.” I explained. “She's Josie's cousin.... she has an apartment that she said she'd let us stay at for two days. We want to check out some of the shops, and a couple shows. We thought it would be fun.”

Fun. My Mom was contemplating the idea. Was it a good idea to actually let her child have a good time or should she say no and make her child stay cooped up in her room? While she really didn't want me in the city, she liked the idea of me having friends and going places. It wasn't too long ago that I had no friends, and I was home every weekend alone. She tapped her foot as she thought, and finally said she would discuss things with my father and let me know. They discussed things apparently; although I'm betting my father just grunted, and said he didn't give a damn what I did because really, he didn't. She said I could go, but that I had to take her cell phone just in case of an emergency. I agreed although I planned on turning it off because I loathed talking on the phone. She could punish me for it when I got home, I decided.

Adam's Dad had been wary of letting him go too, but just because they were extremely busy in the bakery and he needed all the help he could get. Adam hated working there, but he did it for extra cash for art supplies. He promised his Dad he would work the whole next weekend if he let him go, so his Dad finally agreed and gave Adam fifty dollars in spending money. Adam waved it in my face as I met him the afternoon we were leaving for the show.

“My Dad must be going insane.” Adam laughed. “He never gives me money for no reason.”

“My Mom did too.” I shrugged, although I finally had to laugh as Adam used the fifty dollar bill as a mustache. “They must really want to get rid of us this weekend.”

“My Mom didn't.” Josie grumbled as I climbed in the front seat of her car. Our backpacks were in the back with Adam. He climbed over them, and used them as cushions to nap on. “I'm surprised she didn't put a locating device on me or something. She's so freaking over-protective. It drives me insane sometimes.”

“She would have kittens if she knew about your Internet boyfriend.” Adam said from the back.

“God, I know.” Josie had to giggle. “Lucky for me she doesn't even know how to turn on a computer.”

We listened to the radio too loud as we drove to the city, and the sun slowly set as we made our way to Josie's cousins house. We would drop off our things, and then head over to the club to see Gale's band perform. I felt nervous anticipation as we searched for Gretchen's street. None of us were that familiar with the city, so it took us a while to locate it. I didn't care though; I loved looking at the streets and the buildings and thinking of how this was the city Brady called home. I wondered where he lived. Maybe I would ask him tonight. The thought of seeing him tonight topped my excitement of being in the city with my two best friends by a mile. I mean; it was fun that we were all here together... but seeing Brady was really what I was here for. I don't think Adam and Josie minded because Josie was so excited about going out to the clubs, and Adam was planning on going to all the art museums the next day.

Gretchen looked like a skinnier version of Josie, and her apartment was a tiny one bedroom. Josie would bunk with her cousin, and Adam and I could have the fold out couch. Josie kind of giggled at the idea of Adam and I sharing the couch, but we just rolled her eyes at her. We shared Adam's bed all the time, so it wasn't that big of a deal to us. Gretchen said she hoped we didn't mind, but we told her we didn't. She told us she just figured Adam and I would want to share or she would have brought up the cot. We exchanged a glance. She noticed, and said that she thought we were a couple from what Josie said.

“They basically are.” Josie smirked.

“No, no we aren't.” Adam said quietly, and I couldn't read the look on his face.

The club was easy enough to locate due to the massive crowd of people outside it. Apparently Gale's band had grown to be extremely popular over the last year, and I even saw a few people wearing t-shirts bearing their name. We were on the list, and let in immediately. Josie especially liked this as she stuck her nose up in the air as we passed the long line of people waiting to get inside. I felt so out of place and awkward as we were ushered inside the club with it's high ceiling and random couches all over the floor. Adam had my arm as we made it through the crush of people, and tried to find a place to sit amongst the crowd. I finally managed to secure a small table, and I had to yell at Josie and Adam to tell them over the loud music and the low roar of people yelling at each other to be heard. We jumped at the table before anyone else could get it, and sat down with a rush of relief. Josie was grinning from ear to ear. This was so exciting for her. Adam just looked as out of place as I felt, and kept his arms crossed across his chest as his eyes darted around the crowded room. I could tell it made him nervous to be this close to so many people. I knew the feeling.

The band was already playing, and I spotted Gale up front with the microphone in her hand. She looked beautiful with her purple dyed hair and a black lace dress that looked like something out of a magazine.
Here Josie and I had thought we dressed up nice in outfits that we had carefully picked out, and were much dressier than we were used to. I noticed though that our outfits were nothing to the ones seen on the other girls on stage and really, every other girl in the place. They belonged. They were dressed to the nines in clothes I would never have the guts to wear. They were clothes that Nicole would have loved and been comfortable in. Josie and I looked like school girls... which really, I guess, is just what we are. I tried to enjoy the band, but it really wasn't my kind of music. Watching Gale jump around and screech was fun though. She was so vibrant and alive that she had the eyes and attention of everyone in the place. Even Adam was watching her with a slightly fascinated look on his face. Josie was hardly paying attention because she was checking out a couple of the guys in the back, subsequently forgetting I suppose about her long-distance boyfriend.

The band played a short set, and after they were done the DJ put on some music and the band went backstage. I looked around for Brady, but he was nowhere in sight. Then I remembered he had told me to look for him at the bar, so I told Adam and Josie I was going to the bathroom and then went to look for him. The bar was filled with people, but finally I spotted him at the very end sipping something clear out of a small glass. A beautiful blond girl was sitting next to him talking a mile a minute, and occasionally he would nod and agree with whatever she said. I couldn't approach him with her around, I realized. What if that was his girlfriend? I just might die of embarrassment. I turned around to go back to my table, but he spotted me and called out my name.

“Anna! Hey! Anna!”

I turned on my heel, and saw him smiling and waving me over. So with a stomach full of dread, I walked over. He sat down his cup and made room for me at the bar. “Hey Anna... I've been waiting for you for about an hour or so.”

“Sorry.” I said. “We were just watching the band.”

“This is the owner of the club.” He said, gesturing towards the blond. “This is Lauren.”

“Hey.” I said lamely.

“Oh!” Lauren's eyes nearly popped with excitement. “This is Nicole's little sister! I can tell by just looking at her. I mean, you don't look just like her... but you have a lot of her qualities. I can see a lot of her in your face.”

“She has some similarities.” Brady agreed. “But she's her own person Lauren.”

“I know that.” She swatted him. “I knew your sister in high school. She used to come here all the time with Gale and Brady here. They would cause tons of trouble, and my Dad owned this place at the time so I was always bailing them out of trouble.”

“And getting us free drinks.” Brady smiled reminiscently.

“A lot of free drinks.” She giggled.

I just stood there. This wasn't my crowd. At all. “Uh... I have a couple friends with me, I really shouldn't leave them waiting...”

“But you have to come backstage and see Gale.” Lauren objected. “She's been wanting to see you so badly.”

“Just for a minute.” Brady said. “Come on.”

So I followed the two backstage and passed a crowd of what looked like obsessive Gale fans. They were dressed a lot like her, and were all clutching what looked like their latest EP in their hands. Brady told me he would get me a copy if I liked their music. I didn't answer. We followed Lauren behind the black curtains that lead to the backstage area, and a group of rooms that looked like VIP areas. Everyone back here had a chain around their neck with their name and a small card that had the club name printed on it. Everyone except Brady and I. Lauren said we didn't need one because we were with her, and because I was Nicole's sister I was automatically a VIP for life. I was a little amazed at how popular and well-known Nicole had been here. I'd never known. I didn't have much time to think about it though as Brady and I walked into the room where Gale was. He had his hand on the small of my back as we were ushered in. Gale was sprawled out on a couch with her makeup running down her face, and from here her lacy outfit didn't look all that glamorous. It was torn, and it had a big stain down one side. She had her shoes kicked off, and the whole room smelled like stale cigarettes. She had one between her fingers, and was blowing smoke out in her drummer's face.

“Anna.” Gale saw me and sat up. “Well look at you.”

“Hey Gale.” Brady had his hand on my shoulder. “We just thought we'd drop by to say hello.”

“Well, sit.” She said as she stared at me with her blood shot eyes. She looked like she didn't get enough sleep, and she probably drank and smoke too much as the empty vodka bottles and cigarette butts littering the carpet would suggest. “I can't believe Nicole's little sister is all grown up.”

“Almost.” I shrugged.

She gave me a half smile. “You look like her.”

“I told her that too.” Lauren said with a triumphant look at Brady like she had just won a contest or something.

“Not just like her.” Gale said, reaching and lifting my chin with her hand. “But it's there. You have all her good qualities although you're a lot skinnier and shorter than she ever was. She always hated being tall though.”

“I know.” I said quietly with a small laugh. “She said it always made it harder for her to hide.”

Gale looked sad. “Yeah... I remember that.”

We talked for a couple of hours, and I lost track of time as we sat comfortably sat backstage on the comfy purple couches and sipped at drinks that Lauren had brought back. Gale wanted us to order out for Chinese food, but it was as she ordered her drummer to pass her the cell phone so she could call her “usual place” I remembered my friends. I had been so comfortable leaning back on the purple couch next to Brady. He had his arm around the back of the couch, right behind where I sat. Our bodies were casually next to one another, and our legs touching. It felt so right as we sat there and chatted with Gale. I didn't want to leave, but I felt bad for abandoning Adam and Josie. Mainly Adam. I knew he wasn't comfortable here, and to leave him with Josie and alone out in the crowd wasn't something a friend should do.

“I have to go actually.” I said. “My friends are waiting for me... we promised her cousin we'd be home before midnight.”

Gale's face fell and her fingers stopped dialing the number to the Chinese place she had assured us was the “best fucking food in town.” “Aw, you can't go – we're just getting started. I thought we could take our food back to my place, and just chill for a while. I have tons of pictures of Nicole that I bet you've never even seen.”

That was tempting. Memories of my sister that I didn't have stored in my brain. I sometimes craved to know more about her at times I worried I already knew everything. She couldn't make new memories, so the old ones were all I had left of her. If no new ones surfaced, it would be like losing her all over again. Her name would slowly fade from the world's vocabulary and my mind. I didn't want that to happen.

“Call them and tell them you're hanging out with me.” She coaxed, handing me the cellphone. “I was your sister's best friend... they'll understand.”

I took the phone, and looked at Brady. He was staring at me with those soft brown eyes that I had been daydreaming about most of the year. He nodded at me as if he thought it was a good idea too. “I would really like for you to hang out with us some more... but it's your choice Anna. It's up to you.”

I really wanted me to come. I could tell. “Ok... I'll call them.”

Gale clapped her hands in glee. “Good!”

I stared at her. When she did things like that, it reminded me of Nicole. Like how excited Nicole would get whenever she got her way. She'd clap her hands and maybe even do a little dance around the kitchen. And here I sat watching Gale dance in her seat dressed in her torn dress and her eyeliner streaked across her cheeks. She was so much like Nicole. I couldn't believe people actually thought I was like my sister. Gale was. She was my sister's other half. They were beautiful, wild and misunderstood. They were the girls that you couldn't hold down. They were a package of insanity and wonderment.

I called Josie's cellphone. I told her my plan to hang out with Gale. I could have invited them along, but I didn't want to. I said I was going to stay with Gale, and to tell Adam that I was sorry I was baling on him. She said that Adam had already went back to Gretchen's apartment because he had grown tired of waiting for me. Josie was dancing the night away, and she would return to Gretchen's in an hour or so. I felt uneasy about leaving Josie here, but Lauren assured me that she would keep an eye on my friend. I gave her Josie's description, and then left out the back entrance with Gale, Brady, and a few other members of her band. I went in Brady's car, and we drove to a neighborhood a few blocks away with beautiful townhouses with huge picture windows and balconies.

“You wouldn't believe how much money I make with this crappy band.” Gale told me as we walked up the steps to her townhouse with the red roses on the porch steps. “I make my own clothes too. I have a small store downtown. That was always Nicole and my big dream – our own clothing/record store. I haven't gotten to the record part though. That was more her thing.”

Nicole's records. She had never played them, just collected them. They were sitting in the attic collecting dust. I half thought about giving them to Gale, but I couldn't stand to think about parting with anything of Nicole. Losing another piece of her. “Yeah.... we still have her records, and I listen to her Cd's still sometimes.”

Gale threw her head back and laughed. “I bet your parents love that. They used to get onto Nicole all the time for listening to what they called 'trash.'”

“I listen to them when they aren't home.” I admitted sheepishly.

Gale threw an arm around my shoulder. “So you're not a rebel like your big sis? That's cool. That's cool.”

We ordered Chinese food, and we ate it around the big glass table in Gale's kitchen. We played cards, and Brady had to teach me all the games because I had never played cards before. I sat next to him, and we shared a beer that I knew I probably shouldn't drink but took a few sips at. It tasted disgusting, but Brady seemed to like it so I let him drink most of it. He looked sheepish as Gale passed around a few shots, and he shook his head as if ashamed of himself. “I probably shouldn't let you drink, but I suppose it's not up to me.”

“We can't not drink while playing cards.” Gale said, who seemed to have forgotten the promised pictures she had wanted to show me. She got out her large collection of shot glasses, and the guys in her band filled them up. Her drummer Mitch and their lead guitarist Jamie were both really nice, and were probably the only people who could keep Gale in line. Brady just let her do whatever, and rolled his eyes when she said something out of line.

“I don't know..” I said faltering as I held one in my hands. I remembered New Years, and I wasn't totally thrilled with the idea of feeling like that again. “I'm not really into drinking.”

“Just one.” Gale said in a soothing voice as she leaned across the table and collected all the cards for another round of poker. “It'll help loosen you up.”

“She doesn't have to.” Mitch cut in. “Not if she doesn't want to.”

“I didn't say she had to.” Gale said, sticking her tongue out at him. “I was just suggesting one.”

Mitch took the cards from her. “Give me those... you can't shuffle worth a damn, woman.”

She snorted with laughter and threw the remaining cards in her hands at him. They landed in the leftover noodles on his plate. “When Nicole and I were kids, Anna.... we used to drink so much every weekend and run around the city drunk. We were so fucking stupid. We were so careless and idiotic... I'm surprised we both didn't die years before.”

Brady looked up from his shot glass. “Gale.”

“Well, I am.” She snorted again. “All that stuff we put into our bodies, and all the random apartments we would crash in with random people we didn't know. My Mom was always amazed we weren't murdered or something.”

Mitch looked at me, and he must have noticed how shocked I was. “Don't pay attention to her Anna... she's drunk out of her mind. She's been drinking all day.”

“I may be drunk, but I'm just telling the truth.” Gale rambled on as she lit a cigarette and took a long drag and blew the smoke out up in the air above our heads. “Nicole and I were those girls, you know? Those girls that were made to get into trouble and live unfortunate lives. I mean, look at me – I have an awesome job, an amazing apartment and yet I'm still as fucked up as I ever was. I just have more fucking money to spend on all the shit I do.”

Brady laid down his shot glass. “I think Anna and I better leave if you're going to act like this Gale.”

She gasped as she stretched her arms out across the table towards me with her cigarette dangling between her long, startling white fingers with the chipped red nail polish. “What did I do wrong? I'm just talking to the kid about her sister! I mean, I knew her better than you ever did Brady. Don't you think she really needs to know what her sister was like? Don't you think she has that right?”

“You can talk to her when you aren't out of your right mind.” Brady said standing up and motioning for me to do the same.

Gale grabbed my wrist with her cold and clammy hands. “Don't go. I want to talk to you.”

“Don't.” Brady said, his voice sounding stern for the first time that evening. He had lost the gentle tone he usually spoke with.

Gale had tears in her eyes. “She can't go though Brady. I don't want her to. I've been waiting for so long to see her. I mean... she's the only link I have left of Nicole. When I saw her today, it was like something woke up. Like I have a little piece of my best friend back.”

“She isn't Nicole.” Brady said softly as he leaned and took Gale's fingers off my wrist. I was just standing there in shock, and unsure of what to do. One one hand Gale was frightening me and the thought of leaving with Brady was a relief... yet one the other hand, as I looked into Gale's wild eyes I knew how she felt. They were my one link back to Nicole. I was theirs. I certainly knew how it felt to be searching for her out in the world, and how empty it felt to wake up in the morning and realize she was gone and you couldn't have her back no matter how hard you tried.

“I need you to know...” Gale said softly, looking me deep in the eyes. “That I truly, truly loved your sister. And she loved me too.”

I looked at Brady, feeling confused. “... What?”

He put his hand on my shoulder. “We need to go Anna. Now.”

“No, not yet Brady....” I said shoving his hand away, and looking at Gale with a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. “You mean... as something MORE?”

She nodded, tears streaming down her face. “I loved her.”

I looked back at Brady, a million feelings racing through me. “Is this true?”

He looked helpless as he stood there in Gale's kitchen in his khaki pants and his long blue shirt that I'd seen a million times before in tutoring class with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He didn't tell me that Gale was out of her mind, or that Gale had just drank too much and was known to mutter nonsense with alcohol in her system. He just shrugged like he didn't know what to do. I looked back at Gale as she leaned across the table with her dress now covered in Chinese take out food, and the guys in her band looking at their plates because they knew this had nothing to do with them. I couldn't think of what to do, so I walked out of the kitchen and out the door of the townhouse and into the dark night. I thought about walking to Gretchen's, but all I could do was sit down on the steps and cry into my hands. I wasn't sure what I was crying about, but the tears started to flow and I couldn't stop them. The feelings that were washing over me were choking me and it felt like I was drowning. How had I not known? How had she not told me? How had she kept something so incredibly important from me? Isn't that what sisters did? Didn't they tell each other everything?

Brady came up behind me and put his face into my shoulder. He seemed to realize nothing would comfort me, so he just wrapped his arms around me and we sat there on Gale's front steps and I cried until my face was numb. He rubbed his hands up and down my arms and over the white dressy long-sleeved shirt that was tighter than things I usually wore, and was something Josie had convinced me to wear even though it wasn't my style. I wore it with black pants, and Josie had promised I looked classy. Now I didn't care as I sat on the dirty stoop in my best dress pants with Brady's arms around me and his face pressed into my shoulder. It felt like losing Nicole again. To know that I hadn't known anything about her. Not really. She hadn't been able to tell me. I realize I had just been a kid... but we were so close. To keep something like this from me, hurt me to the core.

“Did you know?” I asked Brady after he had helped me up from the porch and led me into his car. I didn't know where he was taking me, and I didn't care.

He was staring ahead at the empty city streets. It was so late hardly anyone else was out. “I did... but not for a long time. Finally one night a year before Nicole died, she confessed to me that she and Gale were in love. She didn't want anyone to know, but I had already had my suspicions and so yeah... I knew. I'm sorry Anna.”
“I never knew.” I said softly as I leaned my forehead against the glass. “I didn't have a clue. I always thought she had a crush on you and you had one on her.”

“No... we were just friends.” He said softly. “Very good friends, but just friends all the same.”

“She must have really trusted you to tell you.” I said.

“She did trust me.” He said. “And I'm really grateful for that... I thought she might have told you, but I wasn't sure. I'm sorry you had to find out that way though. It shouldn't have been through one of Gale's drunk tirades...”

I shrugged tiredly. “I know though... I just can't believe she didn't tell me.”

“She was scared.” He said simply. “You know the kind of town we're from, Anna.”

Tears stung my eyes. “But she knew I wasn't like that! I would have loved her no matter what, Brady. She had to have known that.”

“You were young.” He said. “Maybe she thought it was too much to confide in you. Maybe she thought keeping that big of a secret wasn't fair for a kid. I don't know Anna. Just because she didn't tell you though, doesn't mean she didn't love you.”

“I know.” I said quietly. “It just feels like there is this whole side of her I didn't know. That's what hurts.”

“I guess she did.” He said honestly. “But Gale and I didn't know the side of her you know either, you know? We didn't know that sisterly side only you did. I remember how good she was with you whenever you'd barge into her room without even knocking. She was so gentle with you, and you know... she wasn't like that with anyone else. You brought out another side of her.”

“Do you think she loved me?” I asked softly.

“I know it.” He said firmly. “And so do you Anna.”

I looked at him in the darkness of the car, the light from passing stores and street lights passing over his handsome face. “I miss her.”

“Me too.” He said.

He put his hand on mine. “Should I take you to Gretchen's?”

I shook my head. “I don't want to see any of them.”

“Should I take you home?”

“I don't want to ever go home.”

“I can understand that.... we'll go to my place for a while then. If that's alright with you?”

I guess I should have felt nervous or maybe even a little afraid of this suggestion, but to my surprise, I didn't. Instead I steadily looked him right in the eyes and kept his gaze for a long moment. “OK.”

Saving Anna - Chapter 7

2006-11-19T22:43:36Z

Josie was thinking of getting a new hair style. She wanted something new to surprise her boyfriend Paul with when he came to visit. Ever since I could remember, she had always had long reddish blond hair that she sometimes wore in pigtails or would just let flow over her back. I had to admit; the style didn't do much for her chubby cute face. We looked through issues of teen magazines in the library during our lunch period, and tried to figure out what would look best on Josie. We finally decided on a nice, short layered hair cut. Adam was completely bored by us, and he sat a few feet away sketching the librarian as she yelled at an unknown freshman girl for accidentally tearing the cover off of a new book. I looked over Adam's shoulder as he sketched steam coming out of the librarian's ears, and he drew the freshman girl visibly trembling with fear. His skills never failed to amaze me.

“You'll come with me, right?” Josie asked as the lunch bell rang. “To get my hair cut, I mean?”

“Sure.” I said as we looped arms to skip through the hallway. “Just tell me when.”

“Count me out.” Adam said. “I don't dig hair talk.”

“We weren't going to invite you anyway.” Teased Josie, pinching his cheek.

We all laughed at this, and the other kids in the hallway turned to look at us like we were insane. For once, I really didn't care either.

I went with Josie to get her hair cut that weekend, and it was a good thing that I did. She ended up crying and shaking because she was so scared about cutting her hair. She hadn't cut any of it off since she was six, so this was a big step for her. I held her hand though, and she finally sighed heavily and told the stylist to get it over with. I watched as long pieces of Josie's hair fell onto the shiny linoleum floor, and Josie's look transformed. Something about the hair cut seemed to mature her face, and it made her eyes shine even brighter. Afterwards, she started at herself in the mirror for what I swear was a whole ten minutes; awkwardly running her hands over her shiny locks and asking me over and over again if I really thought it looked good. I really did. All the stylists did too, and they gushed like crazy over the new Josie who smiled and tried to not look too pleased by their compliments although she really was.

“You should get your hair done.” Josie said. “You'd look good with a shorter style.”

“I don't think so.” I said watching myself in the mirror with my unkempt long hair and dark eyes that always looked as if they were hiding something. I combed my fingers lovingly through my hair; I needed it to hide behind sometimes still.

Afterwards, we walked home together in the snow, and as we approached my house we caught a glimpse of Adam in the big tree outside my window as he expertly climbed and opened my window. And Josie gave a little gasp as he went inside. She turned to me, her eyes wide open with shock. “What is he breaking into your house for?”

I had to laugh. “He isn't breaking in... he stays over sometimes when he and his Dad fight.”

She raised her eyebrows, a smile on her lips. “Is there something going on between you two or something?”

“No.” I said, shocked that she would think such a thing. “He just needs a place to hang out sometimes. He sleeps on my window seat, and he leaves early in the morning. He's done it off and off during the week.”

She had a secret little smile on her lips that I wasn't sure I liked. “Whatever you say.”

“We're just friends, Josie.”

“I didn't say you weren't, but sometimes I think he likes you though. Do you like him back?”

“We like each other as friends, that's all.”

“Are you sure?”

“Wouldn't I tell you if I did?”

“I would hope so.”

“Well, I don't.”

“But you do like someone... Am I right?”

“.... Maybe.”

We had our last choir rehearsal before the big show, and all the girls were excited about the performance that would take place a week and a half before Christmas and a few days before Christmas break. Adam came with me to rehearsals sometimes, and he would sit in the gym and watch us from the bleachers as we set up the stage and went through the songs. The other girls had people that came to watch them too, and they were all curious about the newcomer. I explained that he was one of my friends, and they made noises to suggest that he was more than that. I just rolled my eyes, blushing and let them think whatever they wanted to. Natalie stopped me as I headed towards the choir room to change back into my regular clothes from the shiny dress, grabbing my arm. “Don't let the other girls bother you. They're just teasing.”

“I don't mind.” I said honestly.

“I just wanted to make sure. You know, you seem to have another admirer too.” She said in a whisper right in my ear. “I saw a really cute guy standing by the gym doors looking right at you.”

“Me?” I asked, confused. “I don't think so.”

“He looked older.” Natalie said wisely. “And really, really good-looking.... all the girls were checking him out, that's for sure. They all wanted to know why he was here, and I didn't tell them but it was obvious he was looking at you and only you.”

Brady?

Sure enough after I changed back into my regular clothes, and I started to leave the gym with Adam along beside me teasing me about the shiny get-up I had to wear; we saw Brady outside the gym doors smoking a cigarette and he seemed to be waiting for someone. I wondered if he was actually there for me, or maybe it was for another one of the girls. There were some really beautiful girls in my class that liked to brag about all the college guys they had dated. Maybe he was one of them. He was startled by us opening and closing the gym doors, and he dropped the cigarette he was holding. He squashed it with the toe of his brown shoes, and looked at us like he couldn't think of what to say.

“Hey Brady.” Adam said. He knew Brady from tutoring class since they sometimes worked on English homework together.

“Hey Adam... Anna.” Brady said, running a hand through his messy hair.

“Peeking in on our ever exciting rehearsals?” I had to ask. “Now our big show won't be a surprise to you.”

He had to smile. “I was working late with a couple of kids, and I heard the music as I left... and decided to see what was up. I was shocked to see you up there. You never came off as a show choir girl to me is all.”

“She isn't.” Adam said staunchly, standing so close to me that our shoulders were touching. “Her Mom makes her do it.”

“Yeah...” I said. “I actually kind of like it now though; besides the awful outfits... but the other girls are really nice.”

“That's cool.” Brady said and he seemed to be watching Adam and myself very closely. “Do you two kids need a ride home? I could drop you both off at your houses... I'm going towards your house Anna anyway.”

“No thanks.” Adam said. “We always walk. Rain or shine.”

“Yeah...” I said, feeling nervous for some reason. “We'll see you later Brady.”

“I'll be at your big show.” He said as we parted ways. “I can't wait to see the finished production.”

“So you guys are friends?” Adam asked after we watched Brady's car drive out of the parking lot and into the night. “That's kind of... weird, don't you think?”

“What's weird about it?” I asked, feeling slightly offended. “He knew my sister... so yeah, we talk. I wouldn't say we were friends or anything though.”

“Huh.” Adam said, his hands in his pockets.

We didn't talk about it the rest of the way back; we just played in the snow running ahead of one another and throwing snow balls and usually missing because neither of us was a good aim. We were frozen and laughing by the time we reached my house. It was dark because my parents were having dinner at my Grandma's, so I let Adam in through the back door and we tiptoed up to my room. We threw ourselves down on my bed to watch TV, and finish our homework if we felt like it. We didn't though; we played scrabble instead, and I beat Adam so badly he swore he would never play board games with me ever again.

My parents always came to my choir performances. I guess I should feel happy about this since this girl in my choir named Chelsea is always in tears because her parents and friends never show up. I don't like it though; I hate how my mother pretends for an hour that I'm a normal kid. She takes pictures, and sometimes even sings along to the songs. My Dad sits and checks his watch – and pretends to be interested by clapping his hands to a couple of the songs. Sometimes he brings his video camera, and gets shaky shots of me doing lame dance moves that amuse Jason to no end. They don't let Jason work the camera anymore since one year he spent the entire show focusing the camera on Natalie's breasts. I still don't know where that tape ended up. He probably still has it.

This year was no different. My mother dressed up in her favorite red and green Christmas sweater with reindeer and real bells on it, and she was front row like usual. I peeked out at them from the heavy velvet stage curtains, and I also saw Adam and Josie sitting a few seats down from my parents. Adam had his arms crossed, and he looked bored. Josie had a mirror out, and she was studying her newly quaffed hair. She spent at least an hour on it these days. She lived for hair spray and different sorts of mouse. I had gotten her a gift certificate to the salon for Christmas that she had been begging her mother for, but her mother had already decided on getting Josie an extremely pretty and expensive dress that had been shown to be in secret one afternoon at Josie's house. Her mother didn't know it, but I knew that dress would be used to meet Paul in. It was perfect.

The other choir girls were busy fixing their makeup in the mirror and doing each other's hair. They were worse than Josie the way the fussed. Natalie had already done mine, and I had braided hers and twisted it into an elegant knot. It had felt odd to sit in the choir room in fancy clothes as Natalie's best friend Amanda dabbed makeup on my face, and told me that I had a perfect complexion that she was deadly jealous of. Amanda showed me all the concealer she had to use to cover up what she called her “imperfections.” I told her that I thought her freckles were really cute. Amanda had laughed, and said that she wished more people were like me. Then she had covered her whole face in tan concealer and patted her nose with powder. I watched fascinated as she transformed her natural freckled face into the completely flawless face I saw every day at school except with darker lips and heavier eye makeup. I never knew it had all been a mask.

“We can't all be natural beauties.” She had said to me with a wink as she clasped her makeup bag closed.

The choir concert went better than expected. I didn't forget my lines or mess up any of the dance moves like I always feared I would. Natalie stole the show with her solo, and I swear the crowd clapped for a whole ten minutes. The kids in the choir did too; I know I clapped for her so hard my hands tingled. She had rushed backstage in tears, and we had to hurry up and fix her eyeliner and mascara for the next act. I had blotted and Amanda had applied. We were a good team, Natalie had said with a grateful smile and then she had hugged us both together. After our last number, we all hugged again and exchanged presents back in the choir room like we always did. They were candies and teddy bears; silly little toys that made us laugh. I changed out of my shimmering lavender gown, and left with my heavy eye makeup still on and a backpack full of gifts from the choir girls. I met up with my family and friends by the choir door and they all told me that I had been great. My parents met Josie and Adam, even though they had already met him before, and made a big fuss about how pretty I looked with my hair up. Natalie came and met my parents too. She hit Jason up-side the head, jokingly, when he put his arm around her. He isn't my type, she told me in a whisper before she rushed back over to her parents.

My parents took my backpack, and said that they would see me back home since I was going to hang out with Adam for a while. Josie couldn't come because her mother had made her promise she would be home early. We hung out for a while at his house since he and his father seemed to have made up, and we ate cookies that his Dad had just taken out of the oven. Adam drove me home in his father's car around midnight, and I was so sleepy when I got home I went straight to my room without washing off my makeup. I was all ready to fall on my bed and doze off, but there was something sitting on my bed when I came in the room that surprised me to the core. It was a large bouquet of pink and black roses with a small white card with my name on it sitting beside it. With shaking hands, I picked up the card and read:

“Anna - you were amazing tonight. love, Brady.”

It was the prettiest gift I had ever received. I felt my cheeks grow warm as I looked at the writing which I knew was his own from the many hours of tutoring after school. I put the card on my mirror, and set the flowers on my night stand. They were so beautiful, and they smelled like spring even though it was mid-December outside.

I was almost sad to see Christmas break come even though Adam and I had tons of plans for the long, lazy days. We were going to take a road trip to the city and check out a couple of shows, and we were looking forward to the long, empty days of sketching and watching television up in my room. Josie and I were working on scrapbooks for one another, and we were enjoying taking tons of random, pointless pictures of ourselves. We were going to make one of her too to send to Paul. We only put the most flattering pictures in that one. Adam thought we were crazy, but he drew a few sketches for our scrapbook anyway. Josie put a few pictures of Adam and I in there too, happy to finally have some friends to talk to Paul about.

The only reason I didn't look forward to Christmas break was because then I couldn't go to tutoring class and see Brady. We never really talked about anything important during our lessons, but the looks were there. I liked being around him, and having his undivided attention for an hour or so. I wasn't sure if I had a crush on him or what, but I didn't talk to Josie about it in fear she would think I was weird for having a crush on my dead sister's best friend. I think Adam suspected it, but he never said anything. He would pull me out of tutoring class as quickly as he could though, and if Brady asked us if we needed a ride Adam always said no before I could say a word. I had no choice, but to agree and walk home instead.

I started living for that hour where Brady and I sat next to each other, our hands near one another as we worked on the outlines I would study for the next big test or he would go over my homework to make sure I didn't make any major mistakes. I would write down something, and when I would look back up he would be staring at me with those dark eyes and I knew he wasn't thinking about studying. I didn't know what was on his mind, but it sure wasn't my biology homework. Sometimes our legs would accidentally touch, and he would jump as if he had been burned. His face would turn red, and he would start quickly talking about chapter ten and what I should concentrate on studying. Maybe it was all in my mind, but I couldn't help but wonder what was going on between us. If anything. He was this gorgeous college student, and I was a dorky high school kid; maybe it wasn't anything at all. Maybe it was just about me being Nicole's kid sister. That was probably it, my rational side said. My less rational and stupidly romantic side didn't want to believe it.

During out last tutoring session until the new year, we went over my semester test that I had gotten a decent grade on. He was really proud of me, and I have to admit I was proud of myself. My mind really wasn't on my test though; instead I was thinking of the tiny Christmas gift I had for him in my bag that I wasn't brave enough to give him. It was a sketch Adam had done of our class that I had framed; Brady and myself in the middle of the swiftly finished drawing. It wasn't much, but I thought Brady might enjoy it since he was into art himself.

“So what are your plans for Christmas break?” He surprised me by asking after I put my test scores away. I guess there was no work to do, so small talk was really the only answer until the hour ran out. “Lame question, I know... but I'm curious.”

“Oh, the usual.” I said, feeling suddenly flustered by the way he talked. He looked you directly in the eyes, and he didn't like to look away as he spoke like normal people did. “I'm probably just going to do the whole family thing for Christmas day, and hang out with Josie and Adam for the rest of it...”

“Ah, the famous Josie and Adam huh?” He said with a bit of a smile on his face. “You three seem so different... It's odd that you became friends.”

“We weren't friends until this year actually... and you know, we really aren't all that different when it comes down to it.” I said with a shrug. “We're all three total outcasts, and I we enjoy each others company... so we make good friends. We stick together.”

“That's how my friends and I were in high school.” He admitted, his hands on his knees which were clad in blue jeans with expertly frayed edges. “We all just kind of banned together against the rest of the school.”

I had already known that, of course.

“Adam seems pretty protective of you.” Brady said conversationally when I didn't say anything for a few moments. “He basically drags you away when I ask if you need a ride... does he not like me or something?”

I had to smile. “He's just weird like that... it's why we're friends.”

Brady smiled back and there was a bit of sadness mixed in. I felt my face grow hot under his gaze that seemed to be asking a million questions at once. “You know, he's really lucky to have someone like you....”

Something about the way he said it suggested that maybe Adam and I were more than friends. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out. “We're just friends.”

Brady looked as surprised as I felt that I had said it. Something changed in his face. Was it relief? Was it idle curiosity about the girl related to his once best friend? I didn't know, and I didn't have time to find out as class was dismissed a second later, and we started gathering up our things. Brady changed the subject swiftly, and quickly told me about his plans for the Christmas holiday. He was going to spend it with his family in town, and he was considering going skiing but he wasn't sure because he didn't want to break his neck. He was mainly going to spend a quiet Christmas at home though. He was looking forward to it because he hadn't spent Christmas with his family in seven years.

“Maybe I'll see you around town.” He said as we parted ways. He was going to walk out to his car, and I was going to walk home with Adam. Adam was standing by the doors waiting for me with his hands in his pockets and a weird look on his face as he watched Brady and I awkwardly hug goodbye and say Merry Christmas to one another. I tucked the Christmas gift in his pocket, and he didn't even notice as we parted. He would find it later. I kind of smiled at the thought, and wondered if he would be surprised.

“So just friends?” Adam asked as we started walking home.

“Just friends.” I said, looping my arm through his, and making the frown on his face disappear.

I can remember every Christmas morning since I was four. Nicole, Jason and I would rush down in the morning and almost hurl ourselves down the stairs to beat each other to the three. We were present obsessed. Each year we would compete to see who got what, and who got the most. None of us ever won since our parents were very careful to give us equal amounts because no one was more aware of our rivalry than they. Nicole and I shared most of our things though, but we refused to share anything with Jason. Even on Halloween we wouldn't give him the pieces of candy that we hated and that he liked unless he traded us something for it. We would play poker for pieces of chocolate, and Nicole would always win since I had no idea what I was doing and Jason wasn't a good bluffer. She would give me back my candy though; saying that she didn't feel right about taking it from me. She gloatingly kept Jason's, and she would eat it right in front of him as he scowled and sulked. He usually ended up telling Mom, and she would demand Nicole give it back to him. It would be half-gone by then though.

Then when we got older, Nicole started sleeping in on Christmas day. She wouldn't even come down to eat breakfast with us or open presents. I would bring her up a plate of food just like I did on Thanksgiving, and later I would bring up her presents for her. We would exchange gifts as we sat on her bed, her hair tousled and her eyes sleepy. Not even Christmas was a good excuse for getting up early. The only good excuse for an early morning in her book was a road trip or hanging out with her friends. Then there was the occasional soccer practice she drove me too; she didn't seem to mind doing that. She would snooze in the drivers seat until my practice was over.

My Mom hated that Nicole wouldn't come downstairs for family events. I remember how each year she would tell family members that stopped by that Nicole was sick, but they never believed her. On Thanksgiving our house would be filled with cousins, Aunts and uncles but Nicole didn't budge. She would lock her door against nosy little cousins that liked to peek in on her, and put on her headphones to ignore the occasional knock of a brave relative that wanted to see her. She wasn't the mingling type, she told me. Not even with family. Especially not with family, actually. So holidays were a bit lonely after Nicole hit thirteen. Jason and I were still excited about gifts and chocolate in our stockings, but Nicole didn't give a damn anymore. She said since she didn't believe in anything, it really wasn't fair for her to celebrate that holidays anyway. I remember how she had told Mom once that she didn't believe in God any longer, and Mom had started crying right there in the living room. My Dad had yelled at Nicole to go to her room, but Nicole had just stood there with an unapologetic look on her face as she chewed her bottom lip and made it bleed. Then she had turned, pulled on her old green army jacket she had picked up at a flea market one summer and disappeared out the front door. She was gone for a record of three weeks. My parents even called the police, but they didn't find her. She finally came home on her own, and hugged my mother and whispered something in her ear that I couldn't hear. Whatever she said, it made Mom happy. She didn't even ground Nicole for running off. Dad wasn't so gracious. He made her clean the attic and the basement all by herself. She didn't mind. She liked hanging out in the attic and basement.

Then after Nicole... we didn't celebrate Christmas for a good two years. We didn't even put up the Christmas tree. Our plastic green tree stayed in it's box in the attic collecting dust and cobwebs, and our house was the only one on the block without any lights up. A beacon of mourning and despair, I often thought when I saw all the other lit up houses and our dark, dank house. The first Christmas after Nicole died was the worst. The grief was at it's freshest, and it stung to hear the Christmas carols on the radio and see the town decorated in happy green and red colors. I couldn't believe other people could be happy after what had happened in the world. To us. There was life after my sister? I didn't believe it. I couldn't believe it. My Mom was in bed all the time, and my Dad was furious with the world. Jason didn't talk to any of us. I just remember sitting helplessly on my bed and looking around my dark room. The snow was falling outside, and all I could hear was the wind and the faint sound of my mother sobbing in the bathroom. No one went to comfort her. My Christmas day was spent in my room playing on the computer and aimlessly walking back and forth between my window and my door. I rested my head against the wood door and listened to the faint sound of my brother turning on the TV downstairs. The pain of missing Nicole sometimes sliced me like a knife, and it would become so unbearable I would sink to the floor. I sat there on the floor in front of my bedroom door with my forehead against the carpet. I must have fallen asleep. I woke up the next morning, and Christmas was over.

It became easier to celebrate Christmas, but we never returned to the way things used to be. We no longer had lavish decorations like when I was a kid and we only bought small things for each other. Mom and Dad just gave Jason and I gift certificates this year since they weren't sure what we wanted. We had a big Christmas breakfast like we always did, but no longer was there laughter and Mom didn't wear her reindeer ears like she used to. We no longer spent the day as a family either; Jason wanted to go to his friends and our parents let him. I thought of calling Adam and hanging out with him, but I imagined he was busy with his Dad. Josie was away because she had a huge family that got together every year and had a giant, incredibly fun party. She had actually invited me, but I didn't want to be an intruder.

I actually ended up hanging out with Adam because he came into my window around four in the afternoon, and he asked if I wanted to have dinner at his place with his Dad. His Dad always made the best Christmas turkey, he promised me. I had been spending a lot of time with Adam this Christmas break, and I really liked his Dad so I agreed. I told my Mom, and she looked slightly disappointed that I was going, but she said it was alright. My Dad didn't even look up from the book he was reading on the couch. He hated being home on holidays, but I knew he wouldn't dare leave Mom all alone. So I left with Adam, and we had a great dinner in his little apartment over the bakery. Adam and I hung out in his room after, and we exchanged presents. I gave him a new sketch pad that I had bought out of a magazine, and a set of drawing pencils that I had seen him eying in the arts and craft shop. He gave me a drawing of Josie, Adam and I in a pretty frame that reminded me of the gift I had given Brady. It was really beautiful.

Brady. I hadn't seen him all Christmas break, although I have to admit I looked around town for him sometimes whenever I went on walks with Adam or Josie. I even went to see Nicole just to see if he was there. He wasn't, and then I felt bad for only visiting her to see her friend. I spent an hour by her, sitting on the bench and staring off into space. I hated to admit it, but I was waiting to see if he turned up. He never did though. I saw his car once or twice zooming down Main Street, but he never seemed to see me. I knew I would see him next year when school started up again, but I already missed sitting next to him and the way he would stare at me when he thought I wasn't looking. I never brought any of this up to Adam or Josie, of course, but I thought about him a whole lot. Probably too much actually. I couldn't seem to help it though.

I knew Nicole was probably laughing at me wherever she was, or maybe rolling her eyes at her silly little sister that somehow always managed to wind up with crushes on a boys that probably would never give her the time of day. Brady of all people, I could almost hear her say with a laugh in her voice. I hoped she wasn't angry, but I finally decided she wouldn't be. She was probably just giggling at my stupidity. Maybe she felt sorry for me. Her stupid little sister getting a crush on the mysterious, amazing Brady. Poor kid. I wondered what she thought about the flowers Brady sent me. They would probably remind her of the time they went to prom together. I now had my own little box of rose petals from the flowers he had given me. I kept them tucked away in my dresser away from prying eyes. Just like she had done.

“Do you miss your sister?” Adam asked as we hung out on his bed, and I leaned against the wall lost in my own thoughts.

He surprised me. He hadn't asked questions about her in quite some time. I decided to answer honestly though. “I usually do.”

“More so on holidays or less?”

“About the same, I think.”

“I know I miss my Mom more on holidays than regular days. I don't know why; I never even spent any time with her... I just do.”

“What happened to her?”

“She just left.”

“When?”

“When I was two.”

“Why?”

“Because she didn't know what else to do, I suppose.”

“And you have no clue where she is?”

“I honestly don't want to know, really... I did when I was younger. I used to beg my Dad to go look for her, but he told me she didn't want to be found. I guess that sounds harsh, but it was honest. I'm glad he didn't lie, and pretend like she did.”

“He seems like a great Dad.”

“He actually is... we just fight sometimes about stupid stuff.”

“I guess it's better than hardly ever talking at all.”

“Is that the way it is in your family?”

“Well, my brother is at a friends house on Christmas, so am I... and my parents are watching crappy Christmas movies and probably not speaking a word to one another in the process. So yeah.... it's pretty messed up.”

“They miss her too, you know.”

“I know they do.”

“Maybe even more than you do.”

“I don't think that's possible.”

I came home the next morning to find Jason playing on the computer even though I really wanted to get on and check my emails. Josie was supposed to email me and tell me about the Christmas gifts she was getting from her grandma. She was hoping for the long promised car that her parents and grandparents were always hinting at, but she didn't want to get her hopes up. Adam and I were both hoping she got it because then we would actually have a way around, and Josie had big plans about trips into the city and riding around after curfew when she could manage to sneak out her house. I knew Jason would be on there forever because he was either discreetly looking at sites that I knew my parents would disapprove of or he would be talking to random girls from school. I couldn't imagine what he and the redhead from my Spanish class could talk about for four hours, but they seemed to manage it.

“Where were you?” He asked as I passed by him.

I turned to him, feeling surprised. “Uh... at a friends?”

“What friend?” He asked.

“My friend Adam's...” I said with a small laugh. Since when did my brother care about my life and my friends? Usually he preferred to pretend I didn't exist. “You know... that kid I eat lunch with every day? You and Ray once threw a clump of mashed potatoes in his hair.”

Jason didn't crack a smile. “You spent the night at his house?”

“Uh, yeah... so what?”

“Since when did you stay over at guy's houses all night?”

“Since when do you care about anything that I do?”

A shadow crossed over his face, and he frowned. “I'm just saying that I don't think Mom and Dad would be too thrilled if they found out you were sleeping over at some guy's house... I mean, God. They freak out if I have a girl over when they aren't home.”

“That's because you've proven yourself untrustworthy with multiple blonde's, redheads and the occasional brunette.” I smirked, hand on my hip. I felt ready for a fight. “They knew I was at Adam's. I even had his Dad call and ask if it was OK I stayed over. They said it was fine with them.”

I had even slept in Adam's bed. We didn't even touch. We slept on each side of the huge king sized mattress that took up nearly his whole room. He let me have my own warm fuzzy cover, and his big blue pillow with cloud shapes all over it. It had been completely innocent, and I couldn't believe Jason would even care if it wasn't.

“I just don't think it's cool for my sister to be staying over at random guy's houses.” He said evenly. “Mom and Dad don't even know this kid.”

“He's my best friend, for your information so I know him even if they don't... And since when do you care what I do and what I don't?” I asked. “It's a little too late to pretend to be a good big brother, you know.”

“Whatever.” He waved me off. “Forgive me for trying to talk to you, really.”

“I've given up trying to talk to anyone in this house.” I said honestly. “Everyone is so closed off. It's like I don't even know any of you any more.”

“And you aren't closed off?” He shot back. “You hide out in your room all the fucking time, and barely talk to any of us. Why should we try to talk to you when you just run back up to your cave and curl up under the covers?”

I felt tears in my eyes. Why was he doing this to me? “And you don't Jason? You run off with your so-called friends and spend all your time playing basketball. I hide in my room. It's the same fucking thing.”

He just stared at his computer screen, and he didn't say another word. I stood there for a good five minutes, but he wouldn't even look at me. I could see his hands trembling slightly as they typed away on the keys; he was busy talking to someone with the screen name cutiepie32343xx3343. I knew when I was defeated, and I walked away with a heavy heart. I almost felt bad for what I had said, but not too much. He was the one who forgot about her, he was the one that treated me like shit when we were in public and refused to admit he was even related to me. He was the one who locked himself in his room during her funeral, and he was the one who had never even visited her grave. He was the one who disappeared at all hours of the night, and didn't tell us where he was going. Sure, he gets good grades and he's popular and has tons of friends to hang out with on Saturday nights, but inside... I think he's just as messed up and sad as I am.

If it was even possible, my house became more unbearable after my fight with Jason. He pushed past me whenever we happened to cross paths in the hallway, and he would make snide remarks at breakfast and dinner that he knew I could hear and my parents could not. He was angry with me. So angry that he wouldn't even look at me. I wasn't sure what to do or how to fix it... or if I even wanted to, so I just stayed out of his way as much as I could, and disappeared off to Josie's or Adam's. Josie had gotten a car for Christmas, so I had a means of escape that I didn't have before. We would run off in Josie's car, and go get burritos at four in the morning in the city. We would sit on the hood and look at the stars. We would cruise pointlessly down the main strip of town, and blare the radio like all the other kids did. I would be in the passengers seat, and Adam would be sprawled out in the back. Josie would be at the wheel with her favorite pair of sunglasses on, and her new hair blowing in the chilly wind because for some strange reason we always liked to have the windows open even on freezing days. It made us feel free.

On New Years Eve, we took the car to the outskirts of town and brought in the new year with a couple of firecrackers that Adam had left over from the fourth of July and three bottles of extremely cheap wine that Josie had stolen out of her fridge. We clinked the bottles together as the new year rang in, shouting happy new year to the big dark cloudy sky, and then drank straight from the bottles forgetting glasses altogether. We got disgustingly drunk, and Josie and I ended up puking in the fields near where we parked Josie's little red car. We were laughing and talking though, not caring what idiots we were being. We all fell sleep in the car, and when we woke up it was morning. I found myself curled up on Adam's chest, and he had his arms around me. He rubbed my back as we sleepily opened our eyes, and realized how sick we felt still. Josie was in the front seat complaining that it felt like her stomach had turned itself inside out. She declared that she would never drink again as she quickly exited the car to go puke again. Adam and I had to laugh, and we laid there still. It felt too good to be curled up against his warm chest to move, the cotton of his shirt and to listen to the sound of his heart beating. He didn't seem to want me to move either, so I didn't.

Finally, Josie's mom called her cell phone and told Josie that she better get home in ten minutes or she was grounded for a month so we had to go. Adam and I sat up and agreed that it felt like anvils had been dropped on our heads. Adam couldn't believe that people drunk alcohol for fun when it made you feel so lousy. We had to pull over once so Josie could puke again, and after she was finished she wiped her mouth on her t-shirt. She started crying because she said she had never felt so sick in her whole life. So Adam climbed up front, and said that he would drive. She switched him places, and curled up in the passengers seat. Adam got us to Josie's house safely, and he parked the car in the garage. Josie popped a couple breath mints in her mouth, and unsteadily walked inside. Adam and I both agreed that Josie was probably going to be grounded, and then we decided to walk home. He took my arm as we walked because I still felt rather dizzy, and he told me that I had drunk more than he had. He walked me to my quiet house, and up the stairs that I wouldn't have been able to manage alone with my shaky legs. He tucked me in my bed, and kissed my flushed cheeks and told me to get some rest. Then he curled up on my window seat, and we both fell asleep in a matter of seconds.

When I woke up, he was gone.

After Josie felt better, she had decided that our drunken night was a great adventure and we should do more things like that. Adam and I had just laughed at her, and told her that we would never ever let her forget how funny she had looked drunk and how many times she had thrown up. She stuck her tongue out at us, and told us to shut it. She hadn't even been grounded, so she was in a pretty good mood. Plus she had told the story to Paul, and he had been very amused at our antics. He said it sounded like she had a really cool group of friends, she told us with a beaming smile.

On the morning of the first day back at school, I ate breakfast with my family like usual. And like usual my mother cooked pancakes, and even made her special home-made syrup. I grabbed a orange juice out of the fridge, and slipped a pop-tart in my bag which I would eat later in class. She placed a big heaping plate of pancakes down in front of me, and she smiled expectantly at me. I inwardly groaned. Here we go again.

“I really don't like pancakes, Mum.” I told her, pushing the plate away from me. “I mean, thanks and everything, but...”

My Dad looked up from his papers. “What do you mean you don't like pancakes?”

My mother's face fell. “But they're your favorite! They always have been.”

“Uh, no.” I said. “Jason likes them, but I've told you a million times that I don't.”

“How can you not like pancakes?” My father asked my mother.

“I don't know.” My mother looked throughly confused.

“I just don't.” I said, trying to keep the exasperation I felt out of my voice.

“What's wrong with them?” My mother demanded. “They're the best pancakes in town, I can tell you that. They're a million times better than those manufactured pop-tarts I see you down everyday. Aren't they Jason?”

Jason was stuffing pancakes in his mouth, and he answered after he swallowed. “They're amazing, Mom.”

She smiled at him in reply. “See, Jason likes them.”

“Well, I don't like everything Jason does.” I said, trying to keep my temper.

“I like everything Mom cooks.” Jason said with a smug smile.

“You'd eat a shoe if she put ketchup on it.” I shot back.

“I can't believe you don't like pancakes.” Mom said, lifting up the plate. “I guess Jason will have to finish these...”

He grabbed for it. “I'd be glad to.”

I rolled my eyes, and sulked over my orange juice.

“What do you eat all day?” My Dad demanded, staring at me over his paper. “You look like skin and bones, Anna. Have you been skipping meals?”

“I don't skip meals.” I argued. “I just don't like pancakes.”

“She does look thin.” My mother fretted as she came over and squeezed my shoulder as if trying to check if I was plump enough for her liking. “She is skin and bone! I noticed all her clothes hang off her these days.”

“Maybe she should see a doctor.” My father said sternly. “Schedule an appointment just in case something is wrong with her.”

“Nothing is wrong with me, God.” I said with a big sigh. “I just don't like pancakes! I eat plenty of other things though!”

“Maybe she's one of those bulimics that puke up everything they eat.” Jason said with a snicker.

“Don't laugh at something like that! What if it was true?” My mother asked horrified, and she swatted him with the dish cloth she was using to scrub off the top of the stove.

“I'm going to school.” I said.

I'd had enough of this. I stood up, and left the kitchen as I heard my mother pick up the phone and start calling the doctor to make an appointment for me. My Dad was still muttering under his breath about how he couldn't fathom someone not liking my mother's pancakes. Jason was clinking his fork against his plate, and I heard him get the last word in as I closed the kitchen door behind me.

“You know... someone not liking pancakes... that has to be a sign of a serious mental disorder, Dad.”

“So apparently I'm completely insane because I don't like pancakes.” I said as I finished my story of the mornings events to Adam and Josie. I had them nearly rolling with laughter when I came to the parts where my parents fretted about me having an eating disorder and Jason accused me of being mentally unstable due to a severe loathing of pancakes. They found the thing as absurd as I did, which I was glad to find out. I was relieved that there were still some logical thinking people in my life.

“You are skinny.” Josie said with a hint of envy in her voice.

“She's just shaped that way.” Adam fought.

“Yeah..” I said, grateful for his support. “I'm built small.”

Josie looked down at her rather voluptuous frame. “I wish I was.”

“You're perfect the way you are.” I told her with a decided nod.

She smiled. It was nice to be around people that liked you for who you were, and that didn't try to change you into what they thought you should be.

I was so caught up in hanging out with Adam and Josie, that I have to admit that my visits to Nicole became much less frequent. I hadn't even thought about it until one day after school as I studied with Brady, he asked me why the Christmas tree was still there. He had been there the other day, and was surprised to see the snow not brushed away and my tiny little tree was on it's side forgotten and blown five feet away by the wind. I felt cold as he said this, realizing I hadn't been to see her since the day I set up the little tree and ran into Brady. I just stared at my homework, and said that I had been busy. He had clicked his pen twice, but he didn't say anything. I made a silent promise to myself that I would go see her after school.

Brady must have too because he was there by the time I reached the grave yard. I had told Adam and Josie that I had to get right home so I didn't have time to hang out with them. Brady was sitting on the bench huddled in his big blue down jacket and looking down at his shoes. He seemed to be waiting for something. A tiny part of me hoped he was waiting for me, but I couldn't be sure. He looked surprised when he saw me, so maybe he wasn't. He stood up and brushed the snow off the back of his pants.

“I thought you might come, but I wasn't sure.” He explained. “I...”

I picked up my fallen Christmas tree. Some of the decorations were broken, and the star was nowhere to be seen. I felt a swoop of disappointment go through my body as I realized it wasn't there. It had been a gift from Nicole, and I just let it fly away. If I had stopped by and made sure the tree was still secure in it's stand, this probably wouldn't have happened. I had been careless. Brady stopped talking, and just looked at me as I held the forlorn Christmas tree in my black and pink gloved hands.

“The star is gone.” I explained simply.

He glanced around at the ground, kicking at some of the newer snow piles to see if it was underneath them. There was so much newly fallen snow that it was impossible to search, and the wind was so strong it could have fallen anywhere. We would probably never find it even if we tried. He looked back up at me, a helpless and almost apologetic smile. “I'm sorry Anna.”

“It isn't your fault.” I shrugged, my throat feeling tight. “I should have checked on the tree... and made sure the star was on securely. It's my fault.”

“It's no ones fault.” He said softly, his brown eyes sincere and sad all at the same time.

“It's just... she gave it to me.” I explained helplessly.

“She gave you a lot of things.” He said just as gently.

“I know...” I said. “I just liked it.”

“We'll get a new star for next year.” He said. “I'll help you pick one out maybe.”

It would never replace the perfect star that she had given me, but I nodded in reply and then we sat for a while on the tiny bench after I swept the snow away from her name and tidied up the ground around her. We sat closer to each other than we did in class, and our big coats rustled nosily as they touched. The wind howled around us, sweeping some of the snow up from the ground and blowing it in our faces.

He finally interrupted our silence. “I... I wanted to thank you for the Christmas gift, it was really cool. Did you draw it?”

I blushed. “No... my friend Adam did. His signature is on it.”

“Oh.” Brady said. “I guess I didn't see it.”

I wasn't sure what to say.

“It's really good though.” He said. “Your friend has talent.”

“Yeah... he loves to draw.” I said lamely, staring at my hands. “He always has a sketch pad in his hands wherever he goes. Just in case.”

Brady kind of chuckled. “I used to do that too.”

“Why not anymore?” I asked, looking up at him.

He was staring at the trees. “It's just not who I am anymore, I guess.”

“I get that.” I said. “I used to be into soccer... like way too much. Now I can't stand it.”

“People change.” He nodded.

He then drove me home, and we sat talking out in his car for about a half an hour. Not about anything too important. We just talked like we were actually friends and not tutor and student. He did kind of remind me of Adam, but there was something more about Brady. He had known my sister. He knew what it felt like to miss her. He knew what it felt like to love her and admire her. We had that in common. It was something no one besides us would understand. I felt it in the way we talked that it was a bond that went beyond our understanding. It was just there. And it made me want to be near him, and it made me feel things towards him that I knew I probably shouldn't, but couldn't help but feel. I saw in his eyes that he felt them too. He didn't want to. He knew he shouldn't... but he did.

Josie loved the gift certificate I gave her. It also included manicures and pedicures so we went in for one the week before Valentines day. Josie said it made her feel pampered and sophisticated, and she couldn't wait to send pictures to her boyfriend. I just felt uncomfortable and embarrassed since I never did anything with my nails except paint them with ugly black polish that I had bought at the nickel and dime store. The manicure lady had made a low but distinctive tsk tsk sound with her mouth when she saw my nails, and then had went to work. She had seen much worse, she told me when she saw the look on my face. She painted them a light glossy pink that I knew Nicole would have scoffed at since it was something my mother would wear. Josie had squealed with delight when she saw her perfectly quaffed nails, and she went straight home to take pictures of them with her brand new digital camera. She had taken pictures of Adam and I the previous day in the cafeteria that were now posted all over her livejournal.

Adam teased me about my nails, but in a gentle way. He was much more relaxing to hang out with since he didn't drag me along to hair appointments, and he didn't always expect me to discuss Seventeen magazine topics. We just hung out in his room and listened to the weird sort of music he liked. He was into all sorts of obscure, weird local bands that I had never heard of. We even checked out a couple shows, and one of the lead singers of the screeching cover band we had seen came up to me after and told me he had known my sister. I was startled, and I had asked how he knew I was her sister. He laughed, and he said that I looked just like her. He ruffled my hair, and told me that she had been a good kid and he had really liked her. Something in the way he said it made me wonder if they had been more than friends. I asked him his name, and he said it was Ralph. I asked him if he had dated my sister, and he sort of chuckled.

“I wish.”

“I thought she dated Brady.” Adam had said to me after as we walked home.

“She never dated Brady.” I said sharply. My voice surprised me. I hadn't meant it to sound so harsh. I saw Adam draw back, looking surprised and a little hurt. “I mean... they were just friends. Nicole always said so herself. She wasn't into him that way. Not really, anyway.”

“Whatever you say.” Adam said. He walked further away from me than he usually did the rest of the way home, and he didn't come up to my room to sleep on my window seat. Instead he walked home with his hands in his pockets.

Josie was excited about Valentines day. Her and Paul were exchanging so many gifts that the inside of her locker door was already full of red and pink holiday cards exclaiming things like “I LOVE YOU” and “WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE?” in big bold letters. Josie was so proud of them. She had pink, red, and white teddy bears and an order of heart balloons came for her during home EC class one day. All the girls in our class were jealous except for me. I would have died of embarrassment if someone had the nerve to send me something like that. Not that anyone ever would, that is.

Adam hated Valentines Day. He said it was just a marketing ploy, and a disgusting one at that. He never liked the idea of one day being assigned to tell someone you loved them. How unromantic, he said. It was much more romantic to surprise the one you loved all through the year instead of picking one set day to give them candies and gifts. He rolled his eyes at the decorations the school put up, and I saw him shredding a pink heart during study hall that I later found out had been given to him by some random freshman girl that had a crush on him. She looked like she was about ten instead of fourteen, and she was very cute with red hair and silver braces on her teeth. She was just a kid though, and Adam was highly embarrassed by the whole ordeal. Josie and I teased him about it all day.

As much as he hated Valentines day, after school that day Adam and I were hanging out in his room. He stood up from his bed, and he walked over to his closet. He searched through it, and pulled out a brand new pink and black bear. He held it out for me, a blush on his cheeks. I wasn't sure what to say, so I didn't say anything as I stared at the big pink bear with soft fur and big black eyes. It was from the craft store on the corner, and it had been sitting in the window. I had admired it since I had always been fond of stuffed animals. Plus it was colored in Nicole's favorite colors.

“Here.” He said.

“Uh...” I said.

“You said you liked it.”

“I do! It's beautiful.”

“Well, take it then.”

“I just thought you hated Valentines Day.”

“I do.”

I took the bear. “Then why are you giving this to me?”

“Girls like Valentines Day.”

“I don't.... But I do really like the bear. Thank you.”

“You're welcome.”

“I feel bad that I didn't get you anything though.”

“Don't worry about it. I hate Valentines Day remember?”

My Mom was so nosy sometimes. She likes to snoop around in our rooms although she always denies it when Jason calls her on it. I've caught her reading Jason's love letters from random girls at school, and sometimes I'll find things in my desk way out of place. I hide my journal in my backpack which I keep with me at all times because I'm paranoid that she'll read it. I wouldn't even dare have an online journal like Josie does because I know my Mom would probably hire a team of private investigators to get into it, or she would probably just break into my email to get the password like she did that time I had the nerve to sign up for free horoscopes. Jason had learned tricks to keep her from reading his conversations and naughty picture viewing online, but I knew he kept most of his online activity for school or at friend's houses. He also finally learned to shred the notes he received from girls if they were anything like the very sexual ones she found last year, and had made a big deal out of like she had found condoms on his floor or something. She hadn't though; he kept those in his basketball locker at school. So the rumor mill says anyway.

I was never sure what she was searching my room for. Maybe to check to see if there was any sign of life. She would go through my purse, and steal my breath mints. I would later find them in her own purse, and have to steal them back from her. Maybe she was checking to see if I was doing things that Nicole had. She never used to search our rooms before Nicole died, so maybe she was just trying to keep an eye on things. It would have been easier for her to just ask us and maybe sit down with us and have the drug talk like I knew she wanted to. She was always worrying about drugs now. She obsessively researched them online and looked for signs if your kids were doing something. Hadn't she learned anything from Nicole dying? You have to talk to your kids. No, maybe they won't talk to you... but you'll put it in their heads. She didn't have anything to worry about either, so if she had just asked me I would have told her that. I've never been interested in drugs. In all honestly, I'm terrified of them. The thought of putting something in my system that I had no clue about was scary beyond belief. I couldn't believe that Nicole was stupid (brave?) enough to even attempt anything like that. You didn't know how you would react. You didn't know what would happen... and I didn't like that. Nicole, on the other hand, lived for things like that.

Life isn't any fun if you're not doing something stupid or risky, she would whisper in my ear as she would tempt me to dive off the high dive or eat a chili pepper whole. She always wanted me to try new things. Things that really didn't make any sense sometimes. She did teach me how to do a lot of things though. If it weren't for her, I would have never strapped on those roller blades and learned how to zoom around the rink. I was scared of falling, you see, but Nicole said it was worth the risk. A couple of bloody knees is worth being able to speed around and have fun. Sometimes she scared me into doing things by calling me a wimp, and saying that she wouldn't have a weakling as a little sister. She tried to teach me to stand up to the kids that picked on me at school, and to not care about the things they sometimes whispered behind my back. You don't put up with shit like that from people, she would tell me. You either turn your nose up at them or throw a punch. Pick one, Anna. Don't just cry and let them get away with it. Don't just lower your head and admit defeat. Be Anna. Be Nicole's kid sister.

I wasn't Nicole though. I wish my Mom would realize that. Instead she searches my room for things that aren't there. Instead she searches my face for signs that I'm feeling the things Nicole felt before she died. Why don't you ask me Mom? Why don't you ask me instead of staying up all night on the computer looking for ways to help me with problems that aren't even mine? I'm quiet. I may be a little less social than I should be... but I'm not Nicole. I'll be the same age she was when she left us come my birthday, and I love her with all my heart... but I'm not her. I don't even think I look like her even though people say I do. My mom looks at me with pain etched her face sometimes when she thinks I'm not looking, and I think she sees it too. My Dad doesn't notice anything anymore. Jason hates me for something. Maybe that's it.

She wasn't going to find anything in my room though.

Except a big pink and black bear that she had the nerve to ask where it came from.

“Adam.” I said honestly.

My parents exchanged looks. We were sitting at the dinner table. “Adam?”

“My friend.” I explained. “He gave it to my for Valentines Day.”

“The same boy who gave you those beautiful flowers?” Mom asked.

“No.” I said. I had taken the card Brady had sent down so Mom wouldn't see his name. It would only reinforce her belief that I'm the second Nicole. “He didn't send me the flowers.”

“Who did?” Jason asked nosily.

“Someone.” I said, picking at the chicken salad in front of me with my fork.

“Who then?” Mom asked, leaning forward and looking as if there was a possibility for a little girl talk. A little gossip between mother and daughter. I may not be Nicole, but I'm also not that type of kid. Who the hell did she think I was? Did she even know? Did I even know?

“No one.” I said emphatically.

“Someone had to.” Jason said with a snort.

My Mom opened her mouth to say something else, but my Dad raised his fork in a clear signal that he thought this conversation had gone to far. “Stop hounding her with questions, and let her finish her dinner.”

I had been to the doctor, and he had agreed I need to eat more. I wasn't starving like my parents liked to claim, but I wasn't getting enough nutrition. I had lost ten pounds since my last visit, they found. I was ordered to eat breakfast and Mom packed a lunch for me everyday that I was ordered to eat. What was wrong with me was of course, just physical. That had to be it. My appetite just wasn't there though. I didn't know what had happened to it. They bought the sort of foods I liked, and I wolfed them down to make them happy. I gained a little weight, and they were ecstatic. The problem with Anna had been fixed, I'm sure they told themselves. They didn't have to worry about her anymore.

I saw Brady every day after school, and sometimes at the grave yard. He came to visit her more and more often. The snow melted, but it was still chilly as we sat on the little bench one March morning. I had only worn a light jacket to school that day since Josie had given me a ride in her warm car, so Brady lent me his heavy black coat that almost reached my knees when I put it on. It was warm and smelled like the cologne he wore. I knew it would rub off on my clothes, and I would be smelling him all day long. He drove me home like he always did, and if my parents weren't home we would sit in his car and talk like we usually did. It was so different from when we were in school. We would see each other in the tutoring class and act one way, then we would see each other not even an hour later at the grave yard and act another. I was just a student in the school building although his eyes gave away that I wasn't. Outwardly he was all business though. Then at the grave yard and after, it was almost like we were friends. We talked about everything; not just the past, and he laughed at my silly jokes. We once went for fast food, and we sat eating it in his car at the park.

He told me about how he struggled through college, and about the tiny apartment he kept in the city. He told me stories about his bratty cat named Jamison that liked to pee on the carpet if his master was gone for more than a day. I found out everything I wanted to know about his life, even the love side. He hadn't had a girlfriend in two years, and hardly before that because he was so busy with school and work. He supported himself without help from his family these days because it made him feel mature and independent. He talked about his rare off days, and how he liked to check out the occasional club or two, but it really wasn't his scene. He liked museums and art galleries because they reminded him how small he was. He used to think he was a big shot for being a successful high school artist, but he was nothing compared to those people. He liked to be reminded of that whenever he started missing art. He still enjoyed art, don't get him wrong, but he wasn't an artist. Not even close, he said.

He gave me hugs goodbye. Every time we would hug, I felt the urge to kiss him as we drew apart. I half wondered what he would do. I feared he would freak out and ask me what the hell I was doing. Maybe I really was looking into our friendship too much. Maybe it was just that; someone to talk to. He surely had plenty of friends to talk to in the city though, I reminded myself. He liked being around me because I knew Nicole, I knew that and didn't fool myself into thinking that wasn't one of the reasons he picked me up in his car and talked to me for five hours straight outside the grocery store. Yet I wondered if maybe something more was growing from it. I couldn't help but hope that he felt it. I certainly did. I found myself daydreaming about him before I went to sleep every night, and having nightmares that I told him how I felt and he would tell me that he was too old for me (which he was) and that he had been in love with Nicole... and couldn't even think of her little sister in that sort of light.

That part worried me the most.

All through March I started hanging out with Adam less and less, and of course he noticed since we had been hanging out so much all school year long. He didn't say anything though; instead he hung out with me when he could, and Josie didn't seem to care or notice since her big meeting with Paul was only a month and a half away. Adam and I both planned on going with her to meet Paul just in case. I had talked to him on the phone once before though, and he seemed really nice. Adam and I would sit in the restaurant they were meeting just to keep an eye on things. We had all agreed to this, although Josie felt bad about not trusting Paul completely. We convinced her finally though, that it wasn't about her not trusting Paul but just about being safe just in case.

Saving Anna - Chapter 6

2006-11-12T07:06:02Z

On my mother's birthday, the whole family went to her favorite restaurant like we usually did, and we all ate dinner and sang happy birthday to her while the waiters brought her a free chocolate cake. She would act surprised even though we had done the same thing for several years now. We would give her gifts that we carefully picked out since she was extremely hard to buy for. I usually stuck with her favorite perfume, and Jason would buy her a nice blouse that really I had picked out since I was the only one that knew her size. My father stuck with the old stand-by of jewelery, which never failed to make her squeal so loudly with delight everyone in the restaurant would turn to stare at her; another something shiny to show off at the office the next morning. All the girls in her office were jealous of the pampered wife front she put on when really she barely ever talked to my Dad, and the only time he spoiled her was on holidays and not because he wanted to, but because it was expected of him.

I almost felt sorry for her as I watched her open up her gifts, and the happy look on her face as she looked around the table at her family. I wondered if inside she was aching because one of her daughters wasn't here to give her a home-made thoughtful gift. Nicole had always made her presents for Mom, and Mom had always loved them. She still had them; I had peeked inside the hope chest she kept in her room one afternoon when she was gone and they were lovingly tucked away from prying eyes in a plastic box with Nicole's name written on it in sad, cursive letters with a tiny heart next to the N. I had cried for hours after finding all the hand-written cards, and reading Nicole's tiny jokes about how she had the best Mom in the world because she let her get away with so many things. She would write “I love you Mom” on each card even though I could remember that at least once a month Nicole would stomp up to her room screaming at the top of her lungs about how much she hated her parents.

It was a calm dinner. We talked about school, and how well I was doing this grading period thanks to the extra tutoring. Jason told stories about basketball practice, and how at an away game they stole the head from the other team's mascot and hid it under the bleachers. That one made us all laugh, even me although I tried not to. Dad said we could take a vacation this year, and that us kids got to pick where we went. We were to give it some serious thought too, and agree on the final decision together. Jason and I exchanged an amused glance at the thought of us agreeing on anything. I would probably just end up going with his idea in the end as long as it wasn't Cancun or Florida or anything lame like that. His only priority would probably be picking a place with plenty of girls in skimpy bikinis. Maybe I should remind him that they have nude beaches in parts of Europe.

After dinner, we went home with leftovers to spare and came home to our dark house. I was surprised to see as we approached my house that Adam was sitting on my porch. Jason craned his neck to see who it was, probably thinking it was one of his friends waiting for him. My Mom seemed to be thinking the same thing, as she turned to Jason and asked him if he was expecting company this late at night.

“Not that I know of.” He said.

“It's just Adam.” I told them.

“Adam?” They asked in unison. They all sounded surprised.

I didn't answer as the car pulled in the driveway, and I got out before any of them could say anything else. Adam stood up as I approached, and nervously ran his hand through his hair. He looked troubled as he stood there in his baggy jeans and blue hoodie that was so long it fell below his knees.

“Hey.” He said. “I know it's late, but...”

“Hello.” My mother said, her arms full of her birthday gifts. “Are you a friend of Anna's?”

Although I hung out with Adam quite a bit these days, he had yet to meet any of my family. We usually met at the mall or at his Dad's bakery to hang out. Sometimes I would sneak out of the house in the middle of the night to take walks with him, and sometimes we would even take his Dad's car without permission to the edge of town so we could see the stars better. But I had yet to introduce him to my family that he had been so interested in knowing about when we first met. A little part of me still wondered if his friendship was really only based on that, although I knew that wasn't fair. He'd been a good friend to me so far.

“Yeah...” He looked nervous. “I'm Adam.”

“Oh hello.” She said. “So you two are in the same grade?”

He had his hands in his pockets down, hunched over and looking as if he wouldn't mind running for it. “Yeah... and we're in the tutoring class together.”

After a few more pleasantries and inquiries if Adam knew my uber-popular brother, my family went inside (although my Dad had walked inside without a glance at the boy on the porch) and we were left alone out in the dark that was only illuminated by the porch light my mother had flicked on when she went inside. Maybe she wanted to keep an eye on us or something.

“I'm sorry it's late.” He said again. “I just didn't really have anywhere to go.”

“What's wrong?” I asked, his face worrying me.

“I just had a fight with my Dad...” He looked embarrassed as he spoke, staring at his shoes instead of looking at me. “A big one. I don't really want to talk about it, but I left and said I wasn't going to come back. Pretty stupid, but I really don't want to tonight. Not while we're both still mad, you know.”

“I understand.” I said softly. “You could hang out at my house. I mean... if you want.”

He finally looked up at me. “Really? You wouldn't mind.”

“My parents might.” I laughed. “But I don't.”

“I can climb trees.” He indicated the tree that sat outside my window that owned the branch had once crashed through my window. “I used to as a kid all the time. That's how I broke my arm in the second grade.”

So Adam sneaked into my room that night. He slept on my window seat after looking through my Cd's and looking at the pictures I had taped to my mirror. There were a few of Nicole, but he didn't seem to notice. Instead he asked about the ones Josie and I had taken a few days ago outside the school as the snow lightly fell on us. He wanted to know if he could have one. I said he could, and he slipped one inside his sketchbook for safe keeping. It was the one of us cracking up laughing as we tried to hold the camera steady to get a good picture of us, our cheeks close together. It was the first picture I had with a friend since the sixth grade that wasn't posed. I had plenty of pictures of myself during choir performances or soccer team shots, but hardly any of just... friends. Josie didn't either, so we brought a roll of film to school one day. Adam hadn't been there that day. We didn't know why. He said the flu, but he seemed perfectly fine the next day so we weren't sure we believed him.

“Your room is neat.” He said as he walked around and picked up random stuffed animals and smoothed the corners of the posters that were haphazardly hanging on my walls. “It really tells all about your personality.”

It did? I looked around. It looked like a room a five year old would have. I didn't say anything though, and a half an hour later he was curled up on my window seat, and he was asleep before I knew it. I turned off the light and climbed into bed, feeling strangely aware of the boy just a few feet away. I didn't think I would sleep well with a stranger in my room, but it was surprisingly easy to drift off to sleep and before I knew it my alarm clock went off. I looked around, and he was nowhere to be found. He had left. He left a note on my pillow that thanked me for a place to stay for the night, and for being a good friend. I tucked it away in my jewelery box like he had done the picture. Just for safe keeping.

I didn't find out why Adam was fighting with his Dad, nor did we discuss him staying over. I walked with him to tutoring class after school, and instead we talked about what we were thinking about getting Josie for her birthday. Brady wasn't in tutoring class that day, so I ended up sitting with Adam and his tutor and going over our biology homework for the day. I missed Brady oddly, even though I found it weird talking to him. I liked seeing him though, and the occasional smile he would look up at me with. He really was spectacular looking. Josie had seen him once, and had nearly dropped over by how good-looking she thought he was. A lot of girls waited for him after class just to watch him walk to his car, and wave at him as he left. He didn't seem to notice.

The first snow came that weekend, and surprised us all. A few feet of it fell from the sky, and when I woke up on Saturday morning the whole town was blanketed in white. Josie and I went out for a walk, disturbing the perfect crystalline sheets. She had to go home early though because she had to go visit her aunt in the hospital. I walked along after I dropped her off at her house, and I went to visit Nicole. I had the tiny broom tucked inside my bag to dust her tombstone off and a tiny Christmas tree that I set out every year. She had never liked Christmas, but she had always liked the decorations. She used to keep Christmas lights up in her room year around, which used to drive my mother crazy. Nicole would string them around her windows and doors and sleep with them on as a night light. She liked the white bulbs, which is what I strung the tiny Christmas tree with. It had a silver and black star on top that used to be attached to a jewelery box she had given to me when I was in the fifth grade. It had fallen off, and I had stored it away in my junk box. It was perfect for my tree though.

The grave yard wasn't empty like it usually was, so I felt a little nervous about coming into the gates. There were three cars outside, and the black iron gates were wide open. As I came up the hill towards the back, I was surprised to see Brady standing by Nicole's grave. He had his hand in his pockets as he stared like he still couldn't believe it was true that she was actually gone. There was snow in his hair that had sprinkled down from the branches of trees that hung over head that were being gently shook by the wind. He turned at the sound of my footsteps, and he took a step back as if he thought he didn't have any business being there. I was filled with mixed emotions. I didn't like seeing Nicole with other people around because then I couldn't talk to her, but I was glad finally someone else came to visit besides me and my Grandma. I had never seen him here.

“Hey you.” He said softly, and the gentle tone of his voice made something in my stomach drop. It was a weird, sort of nice feeling. “I wondered if I would see you here today.”

“I come here a lot.” I admitted.

“So I see.” He said and looked at the things I had placed in front of her grave already. “I'm glad they put her in the back by the trees.”

“Me too.” I admitted. “She used to love to come and sit out in the woods.”

“I know.” He kind of laughed, his eyes staring at her engraved name. “Whenever I couldn't find her, that's where I would go look for her....”

We couldn't seem to think of anything else to say. He watched silently as he watched me kneel and unzip my backpack. I took out the tiny tree and placed it near the marker on a tiny slab of stone. Then I took the broom and brushed the snow away from her name, but left most of it there since Nicole had always loved the snow. She used to run out in the fresh snow with no shoes on her feet, and come back inside with her toes bright red. She didn't care though. She'd warm up by the fire, and go right back out for another rollick. My Mom used to swear she'd get a cold, but she never did. Snow is no fun with shoes on, she'd tell me. I would just laugh at her, and watch her from the living room window.

“So your the one who always puts out the tree.” He said suddenly. “I always wondered who did it. I thought it was either you or your mom.”

“I don't think my Mom comes here anymore.” I said honestly, sitting back and looking at the tree. “My grandma does still. I didn't think anyone but us did.”

“I come sometimes.” He said, kneeling down beside me. “I like your tree... especially the star.”

“She gave that to me years ago.” I shrugged. “She never liked the gaudy gold ones.”

“I know.” He said quietly.

That's when it struck me for the first time that he really was the only person who knew her as well as I had. Maybe even better. It was a weird feeling to be sitting next to someone that had loved her, and still missed her from the bottom of their heart. You could see it in his eyes, and how he carefully picked up a fallen fake rose and placed it in the vase my grandmother had set out. He had really cared for her. She had been his best friend. She had been mine too.

“She was so alive.” He said suddenly, picking up a handful of snow in his hand and then letting it gently fall back to the earth. “I guess that's what's so hard about believing she's really gone. I never thought they'd be able to keep her down.”

“Did you know she used to run out in the snow with no shoes on?” I told him out of the blue. “She said people who didn't know what fresh snow felt like on their bare feet were missing out on life.”

This made him smile. Although there was sadness in the smile. “That sounds like her.”

He then took something out of his pocket, and I saw that it was a picture of Nicole that I had never seen before. She was sitting on the hood of Brady's old car with her legs crossed wearing her old beat up blue jeans and her favorite black shirt with the picture of a skull on it. She had been buried in that outfit; including the sneakers that were on her feet in the picture. I had insisted. Mom wanted to put her in a dress that Nicole had worn a few years back to church when Mom used to make us go every Sunday. She had finally stopped trying to make us because Nicole would pretend to fall asleep during the sermon and snore loudly. Mom had never been so embarrassed. I knew Nicole had hated that dress Mom had made her wear, so I quietly over-ruled my mother. Dad agreed with me, and Jason didn't care. I knew Nicole would want to wear her favorite jeans though, and her sneakers. I knew she wouldn't want to spend eternity dressed in a stuffy church dress that she used to strip off over her head the moment she got home from church, right in the living room. Then she would walk up the stairs to her room in her underwear. I would laugh, and my Dad would scream for her to get some damn clothes on. She only did it to piss them off, and they knew it. She did it to make me laugh too, and it always worked.

“She was my best friend.” He said simply, looking at the picture with me.

“She was mine too.” I told him. “She was all I had.”

“She really loved you.” He said suddenly, his voice unsteady. “She never really fit in with the rest of your family, she told me... but she said you were the one good thing about your parents and that life. She would get really upset when she talked about moving to the city, even though it was her big dream. She didn't want to leave you behind, you see. She worried about what would happen to you. And she worried about how she would survive without you too.”

I felt a lump in my throat. That warning lump that meant tears were nearby. “I hope she's doing OK without me now.”

“She is.” He said gently, laying a hand on her shoulder. “I'm sure of it.”

“I'm not.” I admitted. “I think about her all the time. I worry sometimes that she's just sitting somewhere in the dark; lost and not knowing where I am. Thinking that maybe I abandoned her or something.”

“She always found her way somehow.” He was trying to reassure me, calm me; even though I knew he thought about it the same way. What if she didn't know what to do without us up there? “She's probably causing havoc up there like she did here.”

I tried to smile at this thought, but all it did was make a few tears stream down my cold cheeks. I felt embarrassed; I had never cried in front of anyone really except for my Mom and Nicole. It was different though; he wasn't my family or anything like that. He didn't say anything, he just stood there with his hand on my shoulder as we stood and looked at her name. The snow started falling again, and we didn't care. I don't know how long we stood there, but finally he took my hand and led me to his car. He said quietly that he would drive me home. He tucked me into his front seat, and turned the heat on full blast. It warmed my numb hands and cheeks, and I watched as the neighborhoods flew by as we drove. It felt weird, but calming to drive around with him. He didn't take me right home, he just drove around and we listened to the early bird Christmas songs they were playing on the radio station. Finally, it was getting dark, and he drove down my street and parked the car in front of my house. The lights were on, and it looked warm and inviting although I knew inside my mother would be gossiping on the phone in the kitchen and my Dad would probably be parked in front of the TV in the living room and Jason would be talking to his friends on the computer. There really wasn't anything warm about it inside. The one person who was always happy to see me home wasn't there any longer.

“It feels weird dropping you off.” He voiced as we sat and stared at my house. “I can't count the number of times I sat right in this very spot to drop off Nicole after some wild party or just hanging out at my house... and I'd see her little sister peeking through the curtains at us.”

I had to smile. And blush a little too. “I was always really interested in what you and Nicole went out and did. You were both so mysterious and strange to me.”

He shrugged, watching me with those dark eyes that glimmered with the light of the passing cars. “We didn't do a lot... we just hung out and talked. We got along, so we liked each others company. We never really fit in with a lot of the other kids at school; so finding someone you really liked and didn't mind hanging out with wasn't an every day thing. It's something you want to hang onto.”

I thought about Adam and Josie. “Yeah, it is...”

We said our goodbyes, and I went inside my house. He didn't drive away until the front door closed behind me. My parents were both sitting on the couch, and they barely noticed my arrival. My mother asked where I'd been all day, and I just said at a friends. She wasn't too interested because her favorite reality show was on. Just as I suspected, Jason was in the den on the computer and he barely looked up as I passed. I went upstairs, and I found Adam curled up on my window seat again. He was fast asleep, and he didn't even stir as I came in my room. I didn't want to wake him, so I quietly got ready for bed in the bathroom, and then I curled up in bed to go to sleep. I listened to him gently snoring, and it was so peaceful knowing I wasn't alone in my room. I could finally sleep with the lights off and not be afraid.

Saving Anna - Chapter 5

2006-11-10T17:15:03Z

I dreaded weekends because mine were spent hiding up in my room for hours on end, or braving going downstairs where either my Mom would think up chores for me to do or I'd get sucked into a football game that my Dad thought was mandatory watching. They didn't like to see me idle around the house, and by staying up in my room I could pretend I was busy with homework when really I was usually sprawled out on my bed staring up at the ceiling. I also liked to sit in my window seat and watch the neighbors come and go and watch as the brown leaves slowly fell from the big tree outside my window. It was so close to my window that one stormy winter night, a branch had crashed through the glass and sprinkled my pink and yellow window seat with tiny, sparkling shards of glass. It had since been repaired, and the dangerously long branch had been sawed off, but I was still scared to sit there some stormy nights. I'm scared of a lot of things actually. That's just one of my more realistic fears.

I knew they worried about me having no friends, and more than once I had heard them discussing dragging me to a therapist to see what was wrong with me. Was I depressed? Was I an agoraphobic? Was I just going through normal teenage phases? I could find out what the mental disorders they thought I had by their Google searches on the computer. My Mom spent long hours trying to find out exactly what was wrong with me, but she never came up to my room to ask me what really was. She looked to random websites and my helpless father for help. He would just grunt, and say that he didn't know. She would ask him if he was worried about me, and he would say I seemed pretty normal to him. She would grow quiet, and continue her search on the more helpful computer.

“It isn't normal for her to have no friends.” My Mom would say.

“Maybe she has friends, but she just doesn't bring them home.” My Dad would counter.

“Jason says he never sees her with friends at school.” My Mom spat back.

“Her and Jason don't exactly run with the same crowds, I doubt he notices her very much.” Dad would say, and I could hear the irritation creeping into his voice; she was interrupting a very important ball game on TV that he was trying to watch.

“Don't you care?” She would ask, sounding exasperated. “Have you learned nothing from what has happened to us?”

They grew quiet for a moment. It was the closest they had come to discussing their dead daughter in years. It was uncomfortable, it was something they had tried to put in the back of their minds. They had cried themselves out over it, and they were exhausted by grief still but they had started to cope with it by making themselves forget. And here my Mom was, trying to ruin the small piece of peace they had started to develop in their closed little bubble of a world.

“You know... If you're so damn worried, why don't you go ask her then?”

“She won't talk to me.”

“You've never even tried.”

“And you have?”

Silence.

I had a reoccurring dream that never left me alone. At least once a week the night of Nicole's death found itself in my dreams, and felt so real that when I woke up all I could do was cry and shake in the dark. It kept bringing itself back in the forefront of my mind, reminding me over and over again the terrible ache that the disbelief that I had felt. The grief that had made me fall to my knees, and that couldn't be described. For the first year after she died, and I had the dreams, my mother would rush into my room to hug me and comfort me the best she could. She would sit beside me until I fell asleep, rubbing my back and telling me it would be okay when really she knew it wouldn't. After a while, she stopped coming to comfort me even though she probably heard me cry out still.

Nicole and I were home alone that night. She was babysitting me and Jason, but he was at basketball practice until late and he would be home after going to get pizza with a Ray and his parents. He had called at eight to tell us, and Nicole had written it down on the little notepad that sat beside our yellow telephone. She had rolled her eyes as she put the receiver back, and had done a twirl in our kitchen, smiling at me as I sat at the table doing my homework. She had been helping me with my spelling words, making sure I knew them all for the big test that I was so worried about. She had me write them all five times each and reassured me that was how she always used to ace her own spelling tests.

“I'm a genius little sister.” She had said mockingly, making me laugh.

It was a quiet night. We had watched television after I finished my homework, and Brady had called to chat with Nicole. She sat in the big comfy chair laughing with him over something stupid Gale had said earlier that day, and making plans to drive down to Chicago for a concert that was going to take place next year. She said she would have to ask her parents first, but she would go even if they said no. I had watched the sitcom that was on TV, half-listening to it, but really paying attention to Nicole's conversation. I was always interested in what her and her friends were doing. They were so cool in my eyes with their black nail polish and different colored hair. Brady had a new blue streak through his hair that Nicole had assured me was probably the coolest thing she had ever seen. She called him Smurf Boy now just so tease him.

She let me stay up an hour later than my parents liked, too busy talking to Brady to notice the time. I didn't remind her since all the good shows were on after nine. Finally she checked the black and silver watch on her delicate wrist, and sighed heavily. She told Brady she had to go in the middle of his apparently hysterical story about Gale and three too many shots of tequila. She switched the television off at the same time she clicked the off button on the phone.

“Time for bed munchkin.” She said, even though I was quickly catching up to her height. She was never that tall, and I wouldn't be either. “Go brush your teeth and all that good stuff.”

I did as I was told because I never crossed Nicole, and not because I was scared of her but because I respected her more than I ever would my parents. She treated me like an equal, and not just some little kid that was in the way. She walked upstairs with me, poking me in the side and telling me how cute I'd look with bright pink hair. I laughed, and said that would never happen. She said she would dye it in my sleep so I didn't really have a say. We laughed and joked as we went to brush our teeth together, as we always did, and then she tucked me into bed even though I really was too old for it. She liked to read me a bit of whatever book she was reading, even though really I didn't have a clue what any of them were about.

She had looked at me as she finished the chapter, a sad look in her eyes. “I hope you don't turn out like me sometimes, munchkin. I don't know why I'm always trying to make you like me. I didn't turn out very well, you can ask anyone.”

“Well, I think you're the coolest person I've ever met.” I fought in her defense.

“You would.” She had laughed hollowly, stroking my hair back with her long slim fingers. “You're just a kid.... you don't know any better.”

“Your friends like you.” I said, not liking the look on her face.

“They like me because I'm a good time.” She shrugged, leaning back on my pillows and not looking at me with those big dark eyes that were always lined with thick, black streaks of eye-liner. “Not because of who I am.”

“I like who you are.” I said quietly, resting my head on her stomach. “All those other people don't matter.”

“I spend all my time fighting and trying to believe that, but it never seems to work. Inside I actually care what they think about me, and it's hard accepting that I'm this huge disappointment to everyone in this family but you...” She sighed, running her hand through her dyed black locks. “Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and you're just so tired of what you see?”

“... No.” I said because honestly I never had.

“I do.” She said. “Sometimes.”

I sat up and kissed her on the cheek. “I wouldn't get tired of looking at myself in the mirror if I was you Nic. You're beautiful.”

She had a sad smile on her face as she leaned in to give me one last hug. “You're the only thing I stay around here for, kid.”

She then made sure I was warm enough, turned off my light but kept the door slightly open because even though I was really too old to be scared of the dark, I still really was and told me goodnight. She blew me a kiss as she left, and I heard her walk to her room and shut the door behind her. She turned on her music, but not too loud like she usually did. I remember how cozy and content I felt knowing that it was just me and Nicole left alone in the house. I loved it when it was just us and there were no bossy parents around or loud, teasing Jason to bug us. Just me and my big sister. I didn't think twice about that look on her face that I'd seen so many times before, and the sad tone of her voice. I see now how sad she was, and how lost. I was just a kid then though; I didn't know how bad it had gotten. I didn't know about page after page of journal entries about how depressed she felt, and how the only reason she stuck around was for her little sister, but she secretly wondered if I would be better off without her. I've never read any of them, but the police found them later. They were looking for a note, but they never found one.

It was four in the morning when I heard the screams, and my parents screaming for Nicole to wake up. Wake up, please please please. I scrambled from my bed with my heart pounding and I opened the door just to see my Dad running down the stairs with Nicole's limp body in his arms. My Mom was sobbing and trying to call 911 with shaking fingers as she chased after them. She kept screaming her daughter's name, and they took off with my sister in the car to go to the hospital. Maybe they could save her, but inside they knew they couldn't. She was already gone by the time they arrived. They found the empty pill bottles inside her closet where she had curled up in a pink blanket of mine with a pillow and a teddy bear she carried around as a child. Larry, she'd called him after the uncle that had given the green bear to her for Christmas when she was five.

I hadn't known what to do as they left for the hospital, and I turned on my lights as my heart pounded madly in my chest. All I could do was cry as I curled up in front of my door, and pray to God for Nicole to be OK. I didn't know what had happened to her, but I had a sinking feeling already in my heart she wasn't going to be coming home to me. Jason had ended up staying over at Ray's, so I was there alone for three hours. My parents were in shock at the hospital and had forgotten there was a world outside of this fresh tragedy. I didn't know who to call or who to reach out to since we didn't really know any of our neighbors, and being a stupid, scared kid I didn't know any of my relatives numbers. The person I always went to when I didn't know what to do was Nicole, and she wasn't here. They didn't come home until later that afternoon and by then my worried and tight-lipped Aunt Lucy had come to stay with Jason and myself. He had come home from Ray's that morning, and he had no clue what was going on. He simply sat in the living room with his legs thrown over the side of the chair watching day-time television. It wasn't until our parents came home with blotchy, shocked faces that we found out what had happened.

I don't remember a lot of what happened after they sat down with us in the living room and told us what had happened and that our sister wouldn't be coming home. It's all a blur. A world without Nicole. I guess my mind couldn't fathom it. I didn't end up taking that spelling test because I didn't go to school for four weeks straight. My parents debated on whether or not we should move, but my Dad ultimately decided it wasn't a good idea and Jason sure didn't like the idea. I didn't care what we did. Nothing mattered anymore without my sister. I was so lost and even angry. I couldn't believe she would leave me like this. She had said she would always be there for me. How could she leave me with these people that never understood either of us? It was suppose to be us against them and she'd bailed. Mainly though I was just lost. It was indescribable sadness, an ache that didn't go away. Every second was filled with thinking what if or why and what we're we going to do now. Everyone wanted to know why. No one had any answers though.

Kids at school were told not to ask Jason and I about what had happened, but they did anyway. Grief counselors were set up for anyone who needed to talk about the tragedy that seemed to hit close to home in our small town. Things like that didn't happen here a whole lot. It was in the papers, and there was a big surge of “What to do if you suspect your child is on drugs” and “Teens and Depression” news stories on the local news. Everyone knew about it and offered our family help. There were so many relatives flying in to see how we were and neighbors bringing over things they though we needed. My parents were extremely grateful by this help, while I hated it and hated when they came into our house and intruded in our lives. I would just hide up in my room. Jason would too because the whole thing embarrassed him. I think he hated everyone knowing he was even related to Nicole. I remember on the first anniversary of her death, the neighbors lit candles and said prayers outside our house. Mom wept in Dad's arms in front of everyone. Jason and I stayed in the house and watched them all from the upstairs window. Their lips said her name as they prayed, but none of them had ever really known her. Not even the woman sobbing in her husband's arms.

That was still when everyone talked about her though.

They don't have dreams about her still. Probably not anyway. I do though. Everything comes back to me in my sleep so much that sometimes I try to stay up as late as I can, hoping that maybe that heavier I sleep the less chance I have of dreaming about her. It really doesn't make any sense, but I'm desperate for the dreams to stop. I think of other things as I drift off into sleep, like celebrities I think are cute or the new choir moves we need to learn for the Christmas concert. It doesn't help though. Most nights I dream about her. I wouldn't mind so much if the dreams were about how we used to run outside when it would rain and dance around until we heard a clap of thunder that would send us running back inside the house, or how we'd dress up in Mom's clothes and put on fake news casts in front of Dad's old video camera that he let us kids use. I was always the pretty but dim weather girl and Nicole was always the gorgeous and conceited anchorwoman. Sometimes even Jason joined us to report on sports although he'd always quit the game when Nicole and I would gang up on him and try to put makeup on him. We promised him that men on television wore foundation, but he never believed us.

Yeah... I wouldn't mind dreaming so vividly about the good times.

Josie was scared to meet Paul in real life. He had actually raised enough funds to come visit her for a week come May, and while this was something she'd dreamed of for ages; now she was terrified and she half-wanted to call the whole thing off. She confided this all to me in home-EC as we worked on our home-made pizza together. Well, she was mixing the sauce and I was putting bits of cheese on pepperoni slices and gobbling them down.

“What are you so scared about?” I asked as I watched out for our teacher in case she walked by and saw me eating the food beforehand. She was always getting on me about that for some reason. “You guys have exchanged pictures and everything and have talked for ages.”

“I just am.” She sighed. “Talking on the phone and on line is way different than talking in person, you know? What if I bore him to death? What if he thinks I'm completely ugly? What if there is no chemistry?”

I shrugged. “There is always a chance something like that could happen, but you'll never know until you try.”

“That isn't very helpful.” She smirked. “You're supposed to lie to me and tell me everything will be perfect.”

“I don't lie.” I lied.

“Please.” She laughed as she washed her hands and started preparing the pizza dough for our pizza that was likely to be topping-less by the way I was wolfing down our pepperoni and cheese. “You're the best liar I know.”

“A compliment? Why thank you.” I said, tossing a pepperoni at her.

“I'm serious though.” She said, getting back to the previous and apparently extremely important subject at hand. “What if he doesn't like me when he meets me? What if he thinks I'm a total dork?”

“You are.” I said unhelpfully.

“Anna!” Her voice had a note of warning although I could tell she was about to laugh again.

“OK, OK... listen, you guys have talked a billion times right? So I really doubt he's going to be bored by you since apparently you two have really good chemistry on line. Anyway, even if the talking is weird at first I'm sure you'll get used to each other. And he isn't going to find you extremely ugly or anything since he's seen pictures of you, and from what you've told me finds you adorable. Which you are.”

She beamed. “You really think so?”

I tossed another pepperoni slice at her. “Josie, I promise. He won't be able to resist you in your Blossom hat.”

After class we walked together until we had to split up to go to our classes, but instead of just leaving and saying goodbye, she grabbed my arm before I could walk away. “Hey Anna... I was thinking, if you wouldn't mind... maybe you could come with me to meet Paul or something? I can't take my parents because they would freak if they knew I was meeting a guy on line and I really don't think I should go alone. Not that I think Paul is a psycho, but... you know...”

I was surprised. “You want me to go?”

“Well... yeah.” She shrugged. “You know all about us, and well... I'd feel a lot better if I had you with me.”

“Um, sure.” I said. “I guess I could do that.”

“Awesome.” She said. “I'll call you and tell you when.”

“Well, you'd need my number first.” I had to laugh.

“True.” She said and she got out a pencil and scribbled down the numbers I rattled off on a scrap piece of paper in her notebook. “Weird that I haven't had your number until now.”

“Yeah, weird. Hey... do you want to eat lunch together today or something?”

“.... Really?”

“Well, yeah...”

“Sure! I've always wished I had someone to sit with.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

Brady was studying to be a teacher. I found that out at our next tutoring session. We didn't really talk the entire time except about things relating to the biology test I was studying for until the end of the hour when Brady asked me how my brother Jason was doing. I was surprised he hadn't already known since Jason was our top basketball player, and he had been accepted at one of the best schools around and was on the news quite often. Brady seemed happy to hear Jason was doing so well, and he had asked me what school I was looking into. I said honestly that I was looking into none of them. He gave me the same look my parents had when I had told them that college wasn't in my future. What are you going to do after high school then, they had asked. I had shrugged and had said that I'd figure it out when that time came. Brady didn't ask me what I was going to do with my life, instead he told me that he wanted to be a elementary school teacher someday soon.

“I never thought of you as a teacher type.” I admitted as I packed up my things.

He kind of smiled. “Yeah, I was way into the Goth thing during high school and thought my huge dream of being an artist was plausible, but you know... after Nicole died, my dream of art kind of died with her. So I decided to pack up my paintbrushes and really do something with my life. Thus, the teaching dream was born. It seemed like a good respectable career. My parents were thrilled.”

“I bet.” I said, thinking of how thrilled my parents would be if I suddenly decided to go to school for teaching or something normal and respectable. They would probably keel over in shock. “Nicole always wanted to be a rock star.”

He brushed his hair out of his eyes, and I tried not to stare too hard at him. He really was beautiful to look at, and he had a soft, smooth calming voice that I didn't remember from when he and my sister were friends. Then again, the most interaction we had was when he'd say “Is Nicole there?” on the phone, and I'd pass it over to my sister. “Yeah, she and I were always talking about starting a band... we just lacked talent and ambition.”

I had to laugh. “She could have gotten away with it.”

“I bet so.” He said with an odd look on his face. “So what do you want to be?”

Oh no, the dreaded question finally emerges.

He must have seen the look on my face because he then waved his hand as if to brush aside his words. “Oh, forget I asked... I remember I used to hate it when people asked me that when I was your age. I'm sorry.”

“It's fine.” I shrugged. “And I don't know.”

“You'll figure it out.” He assured me. “I never thought I would, and look at me now. I actually have a path. Who would have thought?”

Certainly not me.

We walked outside together and said our goodbyes at the main entrance. I watched him walk over to the parking lot and I was surprised to see the car he called his sitting in the parking lot. It was nothing like the beat up old piece of junk that he used to drive with rust creeping up the back and a door that didn't open so Nicole always had to slid into the passengers seat. His new car was black and while it was obviously not new, it was well taken care of and looked like something my Dad would drive but not wild crazy Brady that got into fights at clubs, and would call my sister at four in the morning to beg her to bail him out of jail.

“He's yummy.” I over-heard a girl from my tutoring class say as she walked out the main entrance with her cheerleader friend who had just come from practice. “That tutor Brady... he's incredibly hot.”

Both girls giggled as he drove by and waved to me, both of the girls thinking he was waving at them instead. I let them think just that, and then I started the short walk home.

Josie and I weren't alone at our lunch table anymore. On our second day of eating lunch together, Adam plopped himself down beside me with a brown lunch bag in his hand, and three sodas tucked in the pockets of his over-sized red flannel shirt. He smiled at us, and we looked at each other. We weren't really sure what to do or say. He just unpacked his lunch meticulously and we watched as he sat out a container of strawberry yogurt, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a plastic baggy of carrot sticks and a small container of ranch dressing to dip the carrots in. He scooted two of the sodas over towards me and Josie and sighed happily.

“I thought I could eat lunch with you guys.” He said.

Obviously.

“Uh, OK.” Josie said. “You're Adam, right?”

“Right.” He said, looking pleased that she knew who he was. “And you're Josie and of course, you're Anna. I thought we could all be lunch buddies or something since before we didn't have anyone to eat lunch with.”

Josie looked at me, a mixed look of confusion and amusement on her face. “So what do you think Anna? Should we let him into our ultra-exclusive lunch eating group or what?”

“As long as he brings us stuff.” I joked.

Adam was unwrapping his pb&j sandwich. “That, I can do. Do you guys like donuts?”

The next day he brought us a whole box of donuts. We decided unanimously that Adam was very, very welcome indeed to eat with us at lunch.

It was weird having friends or well, sort of having friends... we ate lunch together and sometimes Adam would walk me home from tutoring class. We always sat together in the library when we had to do research on something or just wanted to study for the next big biology test. After he stopped asking so many questions about my sister, I actually sort of liked him. He was really into drawing cartoons, and the ones he showed Josie and I were amazing. He wanted to make his own comic book someday, and he had big plans to model characters after Josie and myself. He would spend lunch hour sketching our faces while chowing down on sloppy-joes he brought from home wrapped in plastic or huge pieces of chocolate cake he would bring and share. His Dad owned the bakery down the street, so he always had tons of goodies to share with us. Sometimes after school the three of us would walk down to his father's bakery, and he would give us free cookies of our choice. Like my family, his father seemed relieved that Adam was finally bringing home friends. Adam himself had told us he didn't really know anyone around town, even though he had lived here since he was little. His Dad never said it out loud, but you could tell by the look on his face and how he urged us to come by any time to hang out with Adam that we wanted. Adam lived above the shop, and the whole house smelled like baked goods. It was pretty cool.

I wouldn't say we all grew extremely close or anything, but we found solace in knowing that we at least had someone to sit with at lunch and maybe even hang out with after hours if we felt lonely. I ended up spending most of my time with Adam since Josie had strict parents that didn't like her out of the house without them, so Adam and I would wander the neighborhood at three in the morning together and buy big fountain drinks at the 24/7 gas station. We would sit by the creek that led down to the river a few miles away, outside of town and freeze our butts off watching the rushing water and throw tiny stones into the stream. We talked, but rarely about anything that mattered. That was fine with me. Just having someone to call when you felt like talking about nothing was pretty cool after long weekends spent alone for so many years. We were a few misfits that formed a small, tight group that bonded together against the crowds of high school and stuck up for one another whenever needed.
After years of being so contained inside myself, it was hard to get used to at first but nice all the same.

“Sit still.” Adam said. “I can't draw you when you're moving around.”

“You've drawn me a million times.” I said as I sat eating lunch with Josie and talking about something we had seen on television the previous night. Adam was sitting a few feet away with his sketch pad in hand, trying to draw me for what felt like not the millionth time, but the billionth.

“Yeah, but I haven't gotten you right yet.” He said, erasing something on his sketchpad urgently and starting all over. “I got Josie perfectly the fifth time, but you're hard to capture.”

“She's an enigma.” Josie said dramatically, teasing me. “You can't capture her.”

“So I'm starting to realize.” Adam said, not catching onto the joke.

In choir, I felt extremely uncomfortable as usual as we start practicing our dance moves. We have a local dance teacher that comes into to teach us once a week, and all the girls are crazy about him. He's tall and blond and they always whistle loudly when he comes into the room. He blushes and laughs with them, and I can tell he secretly enjoys the attention. I catch onto the steps easily, although I always worry myself into a frenzy that I won't. Natalie as usual has a solo for our Christmas concert, and she is actually the nervous one these days. She doesn't dance for her solo though; it's just her alone on stage with a microphone and a spotlight. She gets to wear a splendid deep red gown that off-sets her hair almost magically. All the girls sighed and made lots of noise when she tried on the dress and showed us how she looked. She looked like one of those princesses you see on television. All she needed was a tiara, which she was debating on wearing. They all thought she should. She worried it might be too much though. They all assured her it wouldn't be.

“What do you think Anna?” She asked me since I was the only one who hadn't given my opinion, I had opted instead to sit back and watch all the fun like I usually did. She turned to me with the tiara in her hands, a smile on her lips. “Do you think it looks silly?”

“No.” I said honestly. “It looks perfect.”

“I told you.” Her best friend Amanda said, grabbing the tiara from Natalie's hand and placing it on her best friend's perfectly quaffed hair. “You look like a real princess, Nat.”

Natalie swatted her friend's compliments away. “I just don't want to look stupid or anything.”

“You won't.” I assured her.

“Of course not.” Amanda said, hugging her friend around the shoulders. “You're beautiful not matter what you do.”

I watched them hug, and I felt an odd ache in me for friends like that. Friends you could call up for any sort of problem and hug when the going got tough. They were all so close and bonded tightly; you could tell they would be friends forever. They would grow up, buy houses near each other and all their kids would grow up together too. They would call each other on the phone everyday to gripe about their husbands or talk about the next PTA meeting. They would always have these memories of high school, and the fun times they had in choir together. They would look through photo albums of their choir concert photos with their kids, and point themselves out. I would be just a blank face amongst a bunch of others in the photos, of no importance to anyone in the long run. Who is that? The kids would ask, pointing at my face. Their mothers would shrug. They couldn't remember, they would say.

Saving Anna - Chapter 4

2006-11-09T06:40:35Z

My parents gave Jason and I a stern lecture about responsibility, school and the importance of 'doing your best.' Jason was given a strict curfew, and two weeks grounding since he had snuck out without telling them where he was going last night which was forbidden and something he had been in trouble for before. He scoffed at this verdict, and slumped on the couch with his arms folded like he truly thought he had the worst luck in the world. It almost made me laugh, but then my parents informed me that they were very concerned with my grades, and they decided that I should enroll in the after-school tutoring program for help with most of my studies. D's weren't acceptable in our household, so my duty was to shape up and improve my grades. I couldn't coast by on English, History and choir grades alone.

Jason smirked over at me as they told me how they had already signed me up for the program where college-aged students came in to help the high school kids who were having trouble. I resisted whining about this since I knew it would only make that smirk of Jason's grow wider. So I quietly accepted my fate, and asked if I could go upstairs. They said I could, but they thought we could all go out as a family to an early dinner and a movie. I said I didn't feel well, and I wasn't hungry because of it. So they let me go, exchanging a look with each other, as I turned and walked up the stairs to my bedroom. Jason was going to go with him because my bottom-less pit of a brother never turned down an offer of food even if he had to sit through a movie with his lame parents afterwards. I listened from my bedroom as their car pulled out of the driveway, and I pumped up my stereo after I was sure they were gone. I had a few of Nicole's Cd's that she had loaned me a week before she had died that I didn't listen to when they were around. I liked them though; hearing them blare loudly reminded me of a time when she was just a few feet away in her room, sprawled out on her bed with a book and the music blasting from the big bulky speakers so loud the windows shook.

Our choir outfits arrived on Friday, glittery and pretty, and something I would never even dream of wearing yet here I was trying on a sparkling gown in the choir room bathroom with about fifteen other girls around me. It was better than the horrid gym class experiences I'd been through, but not by much.
The girls were ecstatic about the dresses we'd picked out, and agreed that they had made the right choice. I had voted too, but all the dresses had been glittery, slightly revealing and none of them had been anything I liked. So I went with the majority, and picked out the light lavender number I was now pulling over my head. It fit perfectly, and I was surprised to see how skinny I looked when I peeked in the mirror. I had always been small, but in this dress I looked almost sick. You could see my bony shoulders, and the slightly unnatural thinness of my upper arms. What was wrong with me?

Natalie pinched my waist. “Look at you, you're so tiny!”

I looked at her in surprise, I hadn't noticed she was standing beside me looking perfectly curvy and a good four inches taller than me. She looked like a real teenage girl, beautiful and vivacious with a smile that could stop traffic. “Yeah... I was thinking that too. I guess I've dropped a few pounds.”

“Well, eat or you won't fit into your dress by Christmas.” She laughed to show me she was teasing as she put her arm around my shoulder and staring at us in the mirror as we stood in our matching outfits. She had her beautiful hair pulled into a complicated twist, while mine was lank and pulled into a sloppy ponytail. She seemed to be noticing the same thing because a moment later she pulled the hair tie she had in her hair out and started combing through my hair with her fingers.

“There.” She said, twisting my hair into a style very much like the one her hair had been in a moment before. “You look good with your hair up, better than me with my horse face.”

I had to laugh. “You don't have a horse face.”

She ran her hands through her hair which had gracefully fallen on her shoulders as she watched herself in the mirror, then turned to me with a smile. “We can't all have perfect bone structures like you.”

We changed out of our outfits after making sure they fit, and we were to take them home and keep them carefully in our closets. I put it in my locker because today was my first day with the tutoring program. I sighed inwardly as I made my way to the computer room which was where it took place. A group of students were already in there, and a bunch of older kids that I didn't know and instantly made me nervous. I still had my hair up, held up with Natalie's own hair tye. The kids nearby looked up at me as I entered and quietly shut the door behind me, and a blond girl in her twenties stood up to greet me.

“You must be Anna.” She said, waving me over. “I'm Stephanie, and you're here for general study?”

“Yeah...” I said, nervously pulling at the strap of my backpack.

She pulled a chair up for me at a nearby desk, and had me sit down to fill out a few things. She left to help a girl around my age with what looked like a complicated geometry problem, and I looked around as I filled out the papers that would show what exactly I needed help with, and how much. I was surprised to see Adam sitting in the way back of the room with a tutor working on something I couldn't see. He looked up from his notebook just as I spotted him, and gave me a small smile. Then he went back to his work, obviously concentrating hard on what he was trying to figure out. Also there was a kid from my gym class last year that had stolen ten dollars from my purse, and two girls from my English class that looked as miserable as I felt. Not everyone looked miserable, especially not the pretty brunette Junior that I recognized only by sight, and she worked with what looked like a very attractive college guy. She kept playfully touching his hand, and twirling her long hair around the pencil in her hand. He didn't seem to notice or he pretended not to.

“All done?” Stephanie asked as she took the forms I had finished in record speed. “Well, it looks as if your trouble area is mainly your biology class. I see you've failed it twice now.”

“Yeah...” I said, feeling very uncomfortable.

“No need to feel bad, you're here to fix the problem. Right?” She smiled and tried to reassure me. “I guess I'll have to work with you myself since everyone else seems to be busy and we're missing a tutor or two today-”

Just as she spoke, as if summoned by her voice, the door flew open and closed with a bang. We all turned around in surprise to see a college-aged guy panting and wheezing as if he had ran a great distance, and as he looked up and wiped the sweat off of his high forehead I saw it was Nicole's friend Brady. They had been close ever since elementary school, and he was the one who had taken her to her prom. There was still a picture of him on the hallway wall in our house, posed with Nicole in their prom best and smirks in their faces like they knew they were too cool for something as lame as prom pictures. He had been one of the few people Nicole actually got along with and had respected. She used to tell me how smart he was, and how he understood her most of the time. It had been her, Brady and their friend Gale against the world. I hadn't really known either of them since Nicole didn't like to bring them over all that often, and preferred to run off to their apartments in the city. They had been a year older than Nicole, and had graduated before her – something that had driven her mad.

“Sorry I'm late.” Brady said to Stephanie. “There was so much traffic in the city.”

“It's fine Brady.” She assured him. “You're not that late anyway.”

He then seemed to finally realize that I was sitting there. I wasn't sure if he would recognize me since it had been a long time since the days he used to ring out doorbell, and I would answer the door dressed in my choir or soccer uniform. He used to ask for Nicole, and barely even look at me. The most interaction I'd ever had with him was at her funeral when he had come up and had hugged me, telling me he was going to miss her more than he could ever say. He had touched my hair for a second and then his hand quickly fell limply to his side as if he thought he shouldn't, and told me that I looked just like her.

“Never be ashamed of that.” He'd said.

Then he had gotten into his car, and drove away. He hadn't wanted to see us bury her. He said it was too final. He hadn't even wanted to come to the funeral, but his mother had made him. He had worn the same tux he wore to prom, and had cried into his hands the entire time. I hadn't cried that day because I didn't cry in front of other people.

“This is Anna.” Stephanie said unnecessarily. I could tell by the stunned look on his face he knew exactly who I was. “She's here for general tutoring, and needs some extra help with her biology. This is Brady.”

“We go way back.” Brady informed her with a bit of a shaky smile. “How's it going Anna?”

“Fine.” I said quietly.

“I'll let you two get started then.” Stephanie said, and then she moved on to monitor a few of the other kids.

Brady sat down in the seat Stephanie had once occupied, and laid his battered backpack on the desk and started unpacking books and notebooks. His hands were shaking, and I didn't know if that was from him rushing to not be late or me being here. Maybe I still looked just like her, and that was throwing him. I didn't think I ever looked like my sister though. She was always dark and beautiful. I was always the geek with the too big glasses and hair that never did as it was told.

“Been a while.” He said nervously as he flipped through a notebook and occasionally made a mark with his pencil. I couldn't see what he was writing. “So how is your family?”

“Fine.” I said in the same small voice.

“You always were the quiet one.” He said. “You never said a word when I would come pick up Nicole.”

Nicole. It was nice to hear her name from the mouth of a person that actually had known her.

I shrugged. “There was nothing to say.”

“True.” He said. “Very true.”

I watched him for a while, and tried to distinguish what Nicole had seen in him. While she had always tried to maintain that he was just a friend; I had always had a sneaking suspicion that she had had a crush on him. He was really good-looking with dark curly hair that was a bit too long, and eyes that were probably a deep brown but looked dark as night from behind his thick black-framed glasses. He was tall, and thin but not really skinny like that boy Adam. He had a trail of freckles down one pale arm, and a tattoo of a red star on his neck that was nearly hidden by his gray and blue polo shirt but not quite. Nicole had one just like it, in fact they had gone to get them together when they were only sixteen. He had always been a bit of a rebel, and Nicole had loved that about him. I could definitely see what she had apparently seen in him.

He seemed to notice I was staring at him. “Is it a bad thing to see me here? I hope that it isn't a problem. If it is, we can get someone else to tutor you...”

“No.” I shook my head. “It's no problem.”

“Good.” He said lightly, unpacking a biology book just like the one I had in front of me. “I guess we should get started then.”

After the hour was over, I packed up my things and watched as he strolled over to talk to Stephanie. I could see him glancing over at me as they chatted. I tried to stop looking at him as I put my notebook in my bag, and searched for the pencil that had fallen on the floor. I couldn't find it, but Adam had wandered off and had it in his hand. He wiggled it in front of my face, and he had a smile on his face.

“Looking for this?” He asked. “I rolled all the way to the middle of the room. That has to be a record.”

“Thanks.” I said, taking it from him and throwing it in my bag.

“So what are you in for?” He asked.

“Oh, a little of everything.” I said looking over as Brady started gathering his things to leave also. He wasn't looking at me now. “Mostly biology.”

“I'm in for English.” Adam said holding the door open for me. “I've been getting B's ever since I started at this place, so I really can't complain about my Dad forcing me to get a tutor. I used to fail that class all the time.

“Thanks..” I said lightly.

“You do really good in English.” He said as we walked. He was following me or I was following him. I couldn't quite tell. “You're always getting the best grades on the tests, so I hear.”

I shrugged. “I do OK..”

“That guy in there...” Adam said, changing subjects with astounding speed. “Wasn't he one of your sister's best friends?”

I looked at him. “Why do you want to know?”

“I already know he was.” Adam said. “I just wanted to know if you knew.”

“I know.” I said quietly. “I remember him.”

“Was it awkward?” Adam asked.

“No.”

“But you guys haven't seen one another in ages. It had to have been.”

“.... Why do you care?”

“I'm just curious. Is that a crime?”

“Well, no but it's annoying.”

“I don't mean to be annoying.”

“You could have fooled me.”

“You're funny. I like that.”

He was walking behind me, talking to the back of my head as I sped up to get away from him but he wouldn't stop. He kept walking on the back of my heels, and his grimy sneakers kept squeaking on the linoleum floors. I whirled around to face him finally, and saw a blatantly curious look on his face. He probably meant no harm, but it was a little creepy and weird to have some guy I didn't even know asking questions about my sister who he hadn't known either.

“Do you like... study her case or something?” I asked.

“Not exactly.” He shrugged, his hands in his pockets. “I've read about her, and I find the whole thing really interesting but I'm not studying it or anything.”

“Interesting?” I said quietly. “Huh.”

“Am I offending you by talking about her or something? Do you not do that?”

“I can talk about her.”

“But do you not like to or something?”

“You didn't know her.”

“I know.”

“Then why do you even care?”

He shrugged again. “I guess I don't know.”

I'd had enough of this. “I gotta be getting home...”

“Sure.” He said fairly. “I could walk you home if you want.”

“I suppose you know exactly where I live too.” I said with a hint of a chuckle and not a very amused one.

“It's a small town.”

“So I've come to realize.”

Saving Anna - Chapter 3

2006-11-08T21:52:02Z

The cafeteria was so crowded I didn't dare try to find a place to eat, and instead went to my locker to sneak in a few bites of a candy bar I'd hidden in there a few days ago. Jason and a few guys from the basketball team passed me as I stood by my locker, pretending to be looking for something in the bottom. They had their jerseys on, ready to go play some lunch time basketball. Even during school hours they couldn't stay away from sports. I thought of telling Jason to make sure he came home right after school, but I lost my nerve. His friends always made me nervous, and I would hide behind the couch when they knocked on our door. I didn't like to answer the door, and see them look at me like I had no business living in the same house as their amazing friend Jason. I'd heard them call me Jason's freaky little sister before, and Jason just laughed and agreed.

I then thought of my parents, and how they'd blame me if Jason didn't show up so I sighed inwardly and walked towards the gym. Maybe if I was lucky, I could catch him alone. I walked into the gym, and there were kids all over the bleachers. After lunch they came in to do their homework, and talk with their friends and watch the jocks play ball. Jason was sitting on the sidelines with his best friend Ray and they were putting on their gym sneakers. Ray had been Jason's best friend since kindergarten, and while I wasn't especially fond of him, I didn't mind him as much as Jason's other friends. I was used to Ray since he came over a lot to play the violent video games he and Jason were addicted to. He was over six feet, so he called me Shrimp, and he would knock on my door until I answered it just to annoy me.

“Jas?” I said as I timidly approaching him.

He looked up, his eyes narrowed. How dare I speak to him in public. “What?”

“Mom and Dad wanted me to tell you to come right home from school.” I said quickly as Ray smirked at me and I tried to ignore it. “They're all in an uproar about you leaving last night, and well... other stuff. You know how they are.”

“Aw, is Jas in trouble?” Ray laughed.

“Shut up.” Jason said, smacking him upside the head.

“They just want to talk, I guess.” I said, rolling my eyes. “Dad said something about a family meeting or something equally stupid.”

He groaned. “I just went to Ray's, God. What is their freaking problem?”

“I'm just the messenger.” I shrugged.

“Fine, I'll be there.” Jason said, waving me off.

“Yeah, go skulk away shrimp.” Ray said as he stood up and patted me on the head as if I was a dog.

“Don't touch me.” I said, swatting his hand away.

He laughed, and so did a few other people nearby who were watching and listening in. Embarrassed, I left the gym and went back to my locker to waste away the last minutes of the dreaded lunch period. Desperately I even looked for that weird Adam kid, but no one else was in the lonely hallway today. There was only the occasional teacher that wandered through, and questioned me about why I was there instead of at lunch. I said I needed a quiet place to get my homework done, and that the library was too full today. It was true. I didn't go into the library when it was full of kids. I didn't like having to sit at a table with other people; it made me too nervous.

I got tired of standing by my locker, and went searching for the good bathroom down the freshman hallway. When I entered the startling white bathroom, I was surprised to find Josie curled up near the sinks with a notebook in her lap. She looked up as I entered with an almost sheepish smile on her face, like she'd been caught doing something she shouldn't.

“Hey.” She said, waving.

“Hey.” I said.

“I sometimes come in here during lunch.” She said, as if she needed to explain herself to me. Her cheeks were tinted a pretty shade of pink. I think she was embarrassed. “I don't really know anyone to sit with... so yeah...”

“It's alright.” I said. “I run off to the library for the same reason.”

“I hate the library.” She said, putting her notebook back in her book bag. “I have so many over-due book fees that I bet the grouchy librarian would hit me upside the head with a broom if I even thought of entering these days.”

“Then pay them off.” I laughed.

“Then I'd be admitting defeat.” She said and she was laughing too. “They send a notice to me with every report card about my over-due book fees, class dues that I haven't paid, and book fees that sadly, my mother pays each time. I'm not giving them the stupid class dues and library fees though.”

“I know.” I said, shaking my head and sitting down near her. “They expect us to pay for the crappy float our class puts together each year for the homecoming parade. I always refuse to pay it too 'cause the float looks like a piece of junk no matter how much money they have.”

“We're rebels.” She said with a smirk.

“Dangerous rebels.” I nodded in agreement.

The bell rang just then, making us both jump. We burst out laughing and gathered up our things to head to our next classes. We talked a bit about our history reports that were due next week, and which wars we were researching. She said she had done a ton of research on line, and that she had just copied a page word for word for her report. She was as much a cheat and slacker as I was, I realized. Home-EC was really the only subject she excelled at, while History and English were the only ones I did well in. We both agreed we never tried, and we'd both be total geniuses if we did our best.

“I'll see you later.” She said as we came to her next class which was the dreaded biology.

“See ya.” I said, trying not to think of how nice it was to actually have someone to chat with while I walked down the hall. Usually it was just me holding my books close to my chest and trying to make it as fast as I could to my next class so I could arrive before everyone else and find a good seat in the back. I didn't even mind that I had to settle for a seat in the middle because my chat with Josie had made my day. Maybe that sounds sad, but after years of having no one to talk to it was a pleasant change. It was something I could definitely get used to.

From time to time I heard taunts about Nicole. At first it had stunned me that people could be so cruel, but after a while I learned to just turn away from it and not pay attention. The only time I had been truly upset was when someone vandalized her grave, and spray painted “FUCK YOU” in big bold red letters on her tombstone. No one ever found out who had done it, and we'd had to replace the tombstone that we had taken such care to pick out. While Nicole was probably laughing from heaven about the mean-spirited practical joke – she had always liked the occasional mean joke – it had really hurt me that someone could be so cruel. Till this day I still went to see the graveyard each week to check on her.

Her grave was in the way, way back almost under the group of trees that lead to the small forest that bordered the north side of town that led to the country. It was peaceful and quiet, only our grandparents and our Aunt Mariam were near. Last year our only living Grandmother had bought a small concrete bench with beautiful angels on the sides to stand by. She had bought it after she had found me sitting on the ground one afternoon, picking at the dandelions that seemed to sprout up in heavy patches near Nicole. I sometimes sat on it, but mostly I still preferred the ground beside Nicole. I had asked for the flowers not to be cut down, and since the grounds-keeper of the graveyard often forgot the back, he complied readily. I did the yard work myself back there, making sure the grass didn't get too high, but the flowers stayed. I cleared most of the leaves, but kept a few because I knew how Nicole had loved fall.

It didn't make me sad to come here. I preferred this quiet, peaceful place to the tense house that made me feel uncomfortable and unwanted. My parents still came here. My mother mostly to put up fresh flowers and take away the wilted. Jason never came. He hadn't even come to the funeral. He had locked himself in his room, and wouldn't answer the door when any of us knocked. Mom had cried and cried asking him to please come out and come with us. He hadn't said a word. Dad even threatened to beat the door down, his face red and his fists clenched. Nothing made Jason budge though. We had left for the funeral without him, clad in black which was ironic since my parents had always gotten onto Nicole for her black clothing fixation. When we came back, Jason was nowhere to be found.

I stopped by to see her after school, only staying a minute since the dreaded family meeting was to take place when Jason and I arrived home. I just wanted to drop off an envelope pretty black rose that I had found pressed between the pages of our old encyclopedias in the living room. She had pressed them there after her junior high prom which she had gone to with a good friend of hers. I could still remember him showing up at our door with the black roses and a tux with a high collar. She had gone off to the prom in a black velvet dress that made her look more beautiful than she would have liked. It was the only time I could remember her ever going to a school function or dressing up. She had come home at four in the morning, still in her dress and shoes and had knocked on my door. I had made her promise to tell me all about it when she came home. She had laid down on my bed, and told me that it had been an alright night. I asked her if he had kissed her goodnight, and she had smirked. He knew I would punch his lights out if he ever tried something like that, she had laughed. I could tell she had had fun though. Her keeping the rose petals proved that.

I put the rose petals in a tiny glass box in which I had received a necklace from my Aunt last Christmas, and it looked very pretty. I put them beside the almost wilted flowers, and pulled a few weeds out that had started to creep up the sides of her grave. I pressed my hand to my mouth, and then placed my hand on the cold stone marker that had her name and birth date. I then turned away, and walked home. As I left, I already felt lonely for her again.

Saving Anna - Chapter Two

2006-11-05T17:24:41Z

I made my way to my first class, and settled into my regular seat. No one else was in the classroom yet so I felt comfortable sitting here. Soon though, kids would start to drift in and ignore me as they talked and laughed with one another. They sometimes stared and whispered about me, but rarely ever piped up to say anything to my face. I was the quiet kid not worth talking to, the kid sister of the weird girl who had killed herself. They couldn't believe I was Jason's twin sister. They couldn't believe we were even from the same planet. Jason tried his best to act as if we didn't know each other, but everyone knew we did. It was a small town. Everyone knew everything about everyone – or so they thought. What they didn't know; they made up. I had been a victim of this for years.

People started to come into the classroom, finding their seats and chatting about last night's party that apparently everyone had attended. They glanced at me, as I knew they would, and talked in lower voices to each other. I made out Nicole's name in their mumbles, and I didn't like how they said her name. They didn't know her, so what gave them the right to talk about her? I ignored them though, and concentrated on doodling on the back of my big red notebook that I used as a journal. It was a habit I'd picked up from Nicole over the years. Her stack of journals were packed away in our garage. I had only managed to steal the most recent one. I hadn't read it though.

“Hey Anna.”

I looked up to see Ms. Class President Lucy talking to me. She had blond curly hair and the whitest, brightest teeth I had ever seen. She was one of those girls who never had a bad hair day, and had dated Jason once or twice. She sometimes came to our house looking for Jason, and ignored me. Now she was talking to me though. I didn't get it.

“Hey.” I said, looking away from her sky blue eyes and going back to my doodles.

“Is Jason coming in today?” She asked, taking a seat in the desk next to me. Everyone had sat away from me, as if I had the plague. “I didn't see his car out there, so I was wondering...”

“He'll probably be in after chem.” I said with a shrug. “I don't keep track of him though.”

“Oh.” She said, sounding surprised. “I didn't think any of you would come to school... considering...”

She didn't finish her sentence, letting her words trail off into uncomfortable silence. I looked up at her, my sick sense of humor that I had also inherited from my sister getting the best of me. I tapped my drawing pencil against the desk, raising an eyebrow to look expertly curious. “Considering what Lucy?”

She crossed her arms against her chest; which was the real reason for Jason's interest in her. “Oh, you know... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up.”

“You can say it.” I said. “It's the day Nicole killed herself.”

She looked away. “I'm sorry... I thought it'd just upset you if I said...”

“It's just a day.” I said.

“Jason said he might not come.” She explained, looking at me with a look in her blue eyes that told me she thought I was the most cold-hearted person she had ever met. “That's why I'm asking... I don't think it's just a day to him.”

I stared at her for a moment, trying to figure out if she was being serious or not. My brother upset? The same guy that played at a basketball game two days after she died? “If you're thinking Jason is being sensitive and not coming to school because of his dear sister dying, you're wrong. Believe me, he isn't that deep or that amazing. He doesn't give a damn about anything but basketball and girls like you.”

I turned back to my doodles. I had better things to do than talk to someone who actually thought Jason was sensitive and caring. I watched out of the corner of my eye as Lucy scooped her books up in her arms and went to sit with her friends in the front of the room. The girls in clothes bought at mall stores that my sister would never enter, started to whisper about me and shoot me all to familiar glances. They probably thought I was just like Nicole, heading down the same path. I didn't care though; they weren't the only ones who thought this about me.

The only classes I had with a friend were Home-EC and geometry. Well, I guess you could call her a friend. Josie was the only person who talked to me like I wasn't a complete freak, and besides, everyone was mean to her except me. They picked on her about her weight, about her clothes, about her red-orange hair... really, just about everything about her they found hilarious. I liked her though. She wasn't the brightest bulb, but she was nice and she dressed like she didn't give a damn. She made all her own clothes, and after school could be found wearing the most absurd hat with a bright pink fake flower on it that reminded me of the days when everyone watched Blossom on TV. She always had a smile on her face, even when people made fun of her, and she was the star pupil of our Home-EC class. No one could whip up a cake like Josie Lawrence. Which is why, of course, that I always asked her to be my partner in class during cake month. She did the cooking; I did all the batter eating.

“I'm surprised you came in.” She admitted as I sat on the counter and watched her mix up the ingredients apparently used to make a carrot cake. “Isn't it the four year anniversary or something of Nicole's death?”

She was the only person I knew who talked about my sister using her name... and I liked that.

I shrugged and repeated what I had told Lucy and myself. “It's just a day.”

Josie looked at me from under her messy bangs as she stirred. “If you say so.”

She went back to her cake mix, leaving me to play with all the kitchen utensils in the drawer. I picked up an egg-beater and pretended it was a weapon. I hit Josie on the shoulder with it, adding a whisper of “Hi-ya!” under my breathe. She looked at me over her shoulder with a smile, then a roll of her eyes and then went back to ignoring me so she could finish our project. She was far too used to my immature behavior in class to be surprised. I don't think she really minded either, or if she did she never said anything about it. She was too polite to ever say so.

She handed me a gigantic mixing spoon with cake batter dripping from it. This was my favorite part. As I discreetly ate the batter, our Home-EC teacher didn't like us to do this – she thought it was 'unsanitary' – Josie cleaned up around the tiny kitchen area we called our own. We had made our own aprons for the year, and they had our names sewn down the front. Josie had made them since I could barely hold a needle straight. I had ended up puncturing my finger with the sewing machine on our first day, and from then on Josie had done all the hard labor.

“I'd let you help with the sewing, but I'd be afraid you'd kill yourself.” Josie had said on day three of our sewing project. She had turned stark white after the words had slipped from her mouth; my family history suddenly staring her directly in the face. She clasped a hand over her mouth, and her fearful eyes watched me for a reaction. She probably thought I'd burst into tears or stomp off. I hated it when people tip-toed around me, expecting me to go off at any second at the slightest slip of the tongue.

“It's okay.” I said gently. “

“All I meant is that you're kind of... well, a klutz.” She had laughed nervously. “I didn't mean... well, you know... that.”

“I know.” I said, rolling my eyes at her. “You don't have to apologize and turn into a blubbering goon over it.”

We had laughed, and the whole incident had been forgotten.

Josie and I talked about other things though. Mostly things having to do with her life since I didn't have much of one to talk about these days. She had a boyfriend that she had met on-line, and wanted to meet in real life. They had been going out for a year, but hadn't even met face to face yet. I got to hear all about Paul, and about how fabulous she thought he was. She printed out pictures of him on her computer to bring to school and show me. He was an average, slightly geeky guy that looked as if he didn't get enough sunlight. I had lied and told Josie that I thought he was pretty cute. She had beamed with pride and said she thought so too.

“I can't wait to meet him, but he has to work and raise up money.” She explained to me. “He lives in California, but he wants to move out here. We already talk about getting married and all sorts of stuff. I know we haven't met really, but it just feels right. You know?”

“Hmm.” I said.

It was funny. We talked all the time in class, and she was probably the only person I knew that actually talked about Nicole like she existed, but we weren't really friends. We never hung out after school, or even ate lunch together. We drifted off after Home EC, and didn't speak to one another outside of our tiny kitchen area. She didn't have any friends either though; I had seen her eating lunch alone in the cafeteria just like I did every day. I used to have friends I ate lunch with and sometimes even went to the mall with after school, but they didn't talk to me these days. I think they had out-grown me after junior high. They had started being interested in newer, more mature things... and I had stopped being interested in just about everything. I also had never really had a best friend. Not even in elementary school. Either had Nicole though. Maybe it ran in the family or something.

It didn't really bother me, except for at lunch as I ate the small portions of food on my tray. I hated to see everyone around me grouped off and enjoying themselves. They talked and laughed so much it was like they barely even noticed what they were eating. I sipped at my chocolate milk, chewing the straw and watched them behind my glasses as I tried to hide my face with my long hair. People didn't even seem to notice me as they sat down near me, trying to find room for themselves and all of their friends to sit. I would scoot down as far as I could until I was out of room, and would leave just to avoid any confrontation. Sometimes I didn't even go to lunch, but opted instead to bring a meal in a brown paper bag and eat it by my locker. Then I would get a pass to the library, and spend the rest of my lunch period pretending to study history while really looking at a copy of Seventeen magazine. I don't know why I was even interested in those magazines. All they did was showcase styles I could never pull off, clothes I could never afford, and publish articles about daily teen life that had nothing at all to do with my life. I always used to read them though; Nicole used to make fun of me for it. She would chop out pictures of the models, and cut off their heads and glue them on her ceiling for decoration. I had to admit; it looked kinda cool. Mom freaked out though, and made Nicole scrap them all off the next day. I helped.

I decided to go to the library instead of eating today. I hadn't brought a lunch to eat by my locker, so my stomach was growling as I slid a copy of a knock-off teen magazine in the middle of my history book to trick the nosy librarian that was typing away at her over-sized computer. I rummaged around in my backpack, but there were no hidden snacks in there. Only a box of mints that I kept in case of a bad breath emergency. I popped one in my mouth, and thought about the cake Josie had made in Home EC earlier. I would have killed for a slice in that moment.

“What are you reading?” A boy about my age stood beside the table I sat at, and tried to peer at my textbook/magazine. “The history of scoop neck t-shirts? I'm sure it's fascinating.”

I could feel my face becoming heated. I hated blushing. “Shut up.”

“You're Nicole's sister.” He said, ignoring what I had just said. “Aren't you?”

“Doesn't everyone know that?” I asked blandly.

“I didn't know her, but I've read about her. All the articles about her on-line are really interesting.” He explained. “And I've read about you too. Well, I've just seen your name in the paper because you're related to her. Your name is Anna, isn't it?”

“... Yeah.” I said, looking up at him. I didn't know this boy with the messy brown hair and baggy blue t-shirt, but I had seen him around. All I knew about him was that he wasn't popular, and kept to himself. He was one of those quiet kids. I was too. “I don't know who you are though.”

“Adam.” He said. “I was in your art class last year.”

“If you say so.” I said, going back to my magazine.

“You could never draw, and the art teacher used to crumple up your art.” He said with a hint of a laugh in his voice. “But you didn't care, you'd just go right back to drawing the same thing in the same way. Then he'd crumple it up again.”

“Mr. James is a jerk.” I shrugged.

“No, he isn't.” Adam said. “Art is awesome, and he's the best teacher I've ever had. He just always says that he has no patience for bad art.”

“Everyone has different tastes.” I shrugged. “What may be bad to him, may be good to someone else.”

“I never thought about it that way.” He said after a moment. “I guess that's true.”

I wished he would go away so I could get back to my magazine. I was saved by the nosy librarian telling us off for talking, so Adam had to go check out his books and leave me alone. I glanced up from my magazine and I watched him leave, he twirled his fingers with a mock bow as the door closed behind him and through the glass doors I watched him hitch up his too baggy blue jeans and throw his black backpack over his skinny shoulder. I had seen him before, with his skinny arms and eyes that always seemed to be watching everything you did. He sat at his locker during the morning hours with a sketch pad and torn red sneakers that had ink marks down the once white sides. He had seen me sit in front of my own locker too, huddled in a sweatshirt and without a talent to lean on. He'd never tried to say anything to me before, not even during art class where he watched me struggle. I wonder why now he chose to speak up.

My day felt like an average day, besides it being the day my parents dreaded every year. The girls in my last class, choir, were always civil towards me though they never tried to bring me into their fold. They were bright, mostly pretty and the kind of girls that sang out at the top of their lungs in the hallway because they just didn't care. They wore pajamas to school, and had loud laughs that made you turn around and stare. They made me uncomfortable because they were all smart and witty. They always had a smart-ass reply for everything, but they weren't mean. They loved each other, those girls. They bonded like sisters over choir trips and late night practices. I wasn't one of them, and I'd only joined choir in the 4th grade because my mother insisted I pick at least one extracurricular activity, and I certainly wasn't going to pick anything to do with sports. So I joined choir. It turned out while I lacked social skills, I actually had an OK sounding voice. It wasn't anything special, but it blended in nicely with the others. I stopped feeling so self-conscious of my voice after the first day in class. I belted it out as loud as I could, just like the other girls. And we didn't sound half bad.

So I didn't fit in with the main clique of choir girls, but not everyone did. There were a few other social losers, but it didn't seem to matter for the most part. We were a team with a goal to win first place ratings in choir competitions, and to have fun during our annual Christmas and spring concerts. Sometimes we even had to dance. That was the part I wasn't too crazy about; that and the dressing up in sparkling sequin dresses and choir robes. Once we had to learn the robot for a certain silly routine to one of our songs, and Nicole had called me Mr. Robotic for a month. She always showed up at my choir concerts, even though she mocked me for singing Christmas songs about Jesus being born and doing a cheesy disco number in front of the whole school in the sixth grade. Jason always came to the shows too, but only to check out the other girls in their tight costumes.

There weren't a lot of boys in choir, but we had a few. They mingled with the girls, flirting and teasing. Boys on the outside probably thought the guys in the choir had only joined to get close to the girls, but they would have been wrong. The guys took our choir just as seriously as the girls, maybe even more so. It was something I actually liked about this class, the serious dedication and stamina. Our choir teacher, a pretty redhead named Ms. Lang with a sweet demeanor but quick and fierce temper, would accept nothing less than total commitment to our choir. We showed up at six am practices, we were always on time, and we never ever skipped a competition without a good reason. The only good reason being of course, death.

“I like your shirt.” Natalie West said to me as I sat down with my choir music in my seat by the other alto girls, who were doing each others hair in tiny braids and giggling over something they had watched on TV over the weekend.

“Thanks.” I said softly, unsure of what to say. It was just a pink tye-dyed shirt I wore under my hoodie. I had made it one year at the church camp Mom and Dad had once made all three of us kids attend. Nicole had thrown a tantrum every day leading up to us going away to camp, and when we had arrived, she snuck out of the cabin the first night to smoke a cigarette. The counselor had caught her, and flushed her ciggs down the toilet. The look Nicole had on her face as she watched them go down the drain was murderous. The next night she had torn out all the pages of our counselor's bible, left them on shreds on her bunk, and then she had drawn rather provoking pictures on our cabin wall. My dear sister was banned from ever returning.

She went back to braiding her best friend Kelly's hair, and I turned to watch the Soprano girls practicing a dance from last season on the open space between the chairs and the big mirrors. They laughed at their mistakes, falling over one another and looking so confident and beautiful that it hurt. They were the kind of girls that Nicole scoffed and hissed at, but I had always kind of secretly admired them. They weren't prissy like our class president Lucy and they weren't total out-casts like me. They were somewhere in-between. They were well-known as choir geeks, but guys liked them. People liked to hang out with them, and hear all their silly inside stories. I envied and wanted to be a part of them more than I could say, but I didn't know how. They were comfortable with themselves, and I wasn't sure that was something I could ever be.

Ms. Lang came in and called all the alto girls up to the piano to practice our Christmas songs. Already we were starting on the songs we would sing for our Christmas concert. All the other girls hung on one another, laughing and talking about things I knew nothing about. Like the guy Natalie had went out on a date with on Saturday, or Jenna's cousin that had gotten them all backstage passes for the John Mayer concert. They had all known each other forever, went to sleepovers at each others houses when they were nine and ten. I had known them equally as long, but had never been invited to any of these. They had history. I had nothing.

Ms. Lang joked around with us for a while, testing out her voice that was never in-tune. It was a big joke that the choir teacher couldn't hold a note. Natalie, who had the best voice in the entire choir, started singing an Aretha Franklin song and the rest of the girls joined in, clapping and dancing around. Ms. Lang struck up the piano as she always did for an impromptu performance. I joined in a little, clapping and smiling. Natalie suddenly grabbed my hands, giving me a twirl and surprising me completely. I burst out laughing as we tangled and almost fell to the floor. She grinned at me as we disentangled ourselves, and she shook her hips to the music coming from Ms. Lang's old piano. We continued dancing until the song was over, and as it ended I realized I had been singing along with the rest of them. We laughed and went back to the piano to sing our Christmas songs. I leaned against the piano with the rest of the girls, and I was reminded of how much I liked choir. It made me feel like I belonged, even if I really didn't. For an hour of a day, I was a part of something. And it was a nice feeling.

After the last bell, I hurried to my locker and crammed all my books into the bottom. I didn't feel like carrying any of them home even though I had a pile of homework I needed to get done. I would worry about it in the morning, I reasoned. I rushed out, expertly dodging the crowds and set off on foot towards home. Kids with cars drove past me, talking and not yelling anything at me like they usually did. They mocked me for being car-less, but today there were no sneers or taunts. Jason was sometimes one of those that made fun of me even though we were supposed to share the car our parents had bought for us. I hadn't learned to drive yet, so there was no point in him sharing with me. He didn't offer me rides because he didn't want anyone to think we actually got along. I didn't want rides to school from him because I could barely stand being in his presence for more than five minutes. Both cars were still in our driveway when I arrived home, sitting still and I could tell from the leaves and debris on the hoods they hadn't moved all day. My cheeks were frozen from the wind that was blowing my hair in all directions, so the warm air from the house when I stepped in the back door was a pleasant surprise. Someone had turned the heat up too high, and while it would normally bother me I was so cold from the walk home I didn't mind. The whole house was still dark, and I could tell no one had been down to the kitchen or living room. I usually went straight up to my room, but when no one was around I liked to camp out in the living room. Usually my Dad came home from work at five, and turned the TV onto a sports game for him to watch and sometimes Jason too if he wasn't at practice or out with friends. They always took over the TV, and Mom never complained. It was a nice change to be able to watch what I wanted.

I curled up in the comfy, big chair and kicked my legs over the arm of the chair. Mom wouldn't have let me do that if she was downstairs. I switched through the channels, trying to find something to watch and just enjoying having the room to myself. I occasionally heard footsteps overhead, but no one came downstairs. Not even the sound of the television was enough to lure them out of their hideaways. It made me feel a bit lonely as the allure of having the TV to myself gave way, and my stomach grumbled for dinner. Usually either Mom cooked or Dad brought something home. I went into the kitchen, and I heated up some of the Chinese food from the night before. We had had a tense meal in front of the TV, watching the game. They felt the 14th creeping up on them as we all pretended to be interested in football. I had sat by myself, only coming downstairs to eat and then scamper back up to my room because I hated just sitting there with them in silence. You know it's bad when your own family makes you uncomfortable and stiff.

I went up to my room after a while, half-wishing I had brought home my homework just for something to do. It was lonely in a house where everyone kept themselves behind closed doors. I sat on my bed, and watched it get dark outside. The day was almost over. The day that they dreaded all year long, and when it finally came they curled up inside themselves for a few hours. Then the next morning, they started all over again. They acted normal until that dreaded day came to pass. They spent one day feeling like I did all year long; sad and hopeless. Maybe they felt like that all year long, but they never showed it. Not until November 14th. All the rest of the year... they were normal, happy people. I couldn't pretend though. I felt like curling up in bed all year long, not speaking to anyone and crying my eyes out.

I sighed, and rested my head against the cold wall of my bedroom, listening for the sounds of my parents. And missing Nicole more than I could ever explain.

I woke up around midnight, feeling achy from sleeping up against my wall. I rubbed my eyes, and looked around my now dark bedroom. Where was that sound coming from? I heard the creak of my door, and I saw my brother peering in. He was dressed in khakis and a white dress shirt. He seemed surprised to see me, and he leaned against the frame.

“You went to school.”

“Yeah... so?”

“I stayed home.” He shrugged. “But Ashley called, and a bunch of us are going to Ray's bonfire near the Creek... could you tell Mom and Dad I'll be staying at his house, and I'll be home after school tomorrow?”

“Mom doesn't like you staying at friend's houses on week days.” I said, just to be bratty.

He rolled his eyes, and swept his shiny brown hair out of his face with one quick motion of his hand. It was what I called Jason's Chick Magnet move. He had used it on most of the girls at our school, and the idiots always fell for it. “Whatever, they don't care if it's Ray. They know his parents, so I doubt they'll mind.”

“Lucy was asking for you today.” I told him. “She wanted to know if you were OK.”

He grimaced. “She has to be one of the clingiest girls I've ever met. We went out twice, and she called me three times a day after that. Do you remember?”

I did. I was the one who used to lie for Jason, and say that he was out when he really was standing by the phone and silently pleading for me to not tell her the truth. I made twenty bucks out of it though and I hated her guts, so I didn't mind. “I don't like her either.”

He scoffed. “You don't like anyone.”

“Watch it or I'll spread a rumor that you're madly in love with her.”

He smirked at me; a smirk I knew far too well since mine was identical to his. “We're just friends now, and she knows it. So nice try. Anyway, tell Mom and Dad in the morning where I went so they don't worry and freak out and call the police like they did that time I stayed at Steven's over night.”

“Whatever.” I said, waving him off. “I see your day of mourning is over, so have fun.”

He looked surprised. “Day of mourning? What the hell are you talking about?”

“Yesterday was the 14th.” I said in nearly a whisper. “You all stayed home, just like you always do.”

“Oh yeah.” He said, scratching his head, and with a pain I could see he honestly hadn't known what day it was. And from the look on his face, I wasn't sure if he even cared. “I forgot... I just thought Mom and Dad were sick today or something.”

“Nice Jason.” I said, trying to keep the emotion I was feeling out of my voice.

“I'm sorry.” He said with a little impatience in his voice. “I just forgot.”

I didn't feel like talking to him. “Go. I'll tell them in the morning.”

“I said I was sorry Anna. What more can I do?”

I shook my head, feeling the tears threatening to spill over onto my cheeks. “Nothing, I suppose.”

He stood there for a moment, looking at me and twisting the door knob in his left hand readying to leave. For a moment, with that lost and hurt look on his face, I saw the brother that I used to have; the brother that used to play toy cars with me, and try to teach me how to play baseball. This was the same brother that let me have as many strikes as I wanted, and never lost his impatience when I cried because I could hardly ever hit the ball. Just try again, he would say, you'll get it eventually Sis. We used to go camping together, and find weird looking rocks to keep in our collection at home. There was a time I wanted to be like him so much that I started collecting baseball cards just like he once did. Just to be like my favorite, my only brother. And here we were now, staring at each other like the strangers we now were.

He looked as if he wanted to say something, but he just closed my door behind him, and I listed to his footsteps down the stairs. I heard his car pull out of the driveway, and with a loud, familiar roar head down the street and into the night. He would get drunk with his friends, and probably make out with a girl from another school he barely knew. It was what he and his friends did. They were the too cool kids; they did well in school and had fun after hours. I half-wished he would come back, and truly say he was sorry for what he had said, but he didn't. I knew he wouldn't too. He didn't care about any of this. It would someday be just a memory; two sisters that weren't up to his standards and a family broken beyond repair that he just didn't need.

In the morning the whole house smelled like breakfast. Like it usually did. Downstairs Mom was on the phone with her best friend and co-worker verbally abusing a boss that they mutually hated, and mutually kissed up to whenever they were face to face with her. Dad was sipping at his coffee, and looking very all-American as he read his newspaper and checked out the headlines before he skimmed back to the comics for the one chuckle of his entire day. They looked up as I entered, and said good morning to me. Mom held her hand over the phone, and told me that there were pancakes on the stove. I thought about reminding her that I hated pancakes, but I decided not to and just grab myself a juice. It was the only thing in the entire fridge I could stomach in the mornings. I hated breakfast foods. I kept reminding them of this over the years, but no one ever seemed to catch on.

“Is Jason up yet?” Dad asked as I sat down and grabbed a section of his newspaper to look over. “I didn't hear the shower running this morning.”

“He went over to Ray's last night.” I explained. “They were having a bonfire or something. He said he'd be home after school today.”

Dad looked at Mom with what I had always called his 'what are we going to do about these damn kids?' look. “He went over to Ray's late last night, and didn't even leave us a note or wake us up to tell us? He knows your mother doesn't like him staying at friend's houses on school notes.”

“Exactly what I told him, but he said you wouldn't mind since it was Ray's.” I shrugged. “He's always on time to school anyway though.”

Dad sighed and folded his newspaper. “I'll have a talk with him when he gets home today. I don't care if Ray is his best friend, I want you kids home on school nights. That's all there is to it.”

Mom hung up the phone. “At least it's with Ray, and not with someone we don't know honey.”

“He should at least tell us.” Dad reasoned, finishing off his coffee and then looked at me as I sipped at my juice. “Is that all your eating for breakfast Anna? Have some pancakes or something. It's not healthy to skip breakfast.”

“I don't like breakfast foods.” I said blandly. “I'll be fine Dad, I'll get something for lunch.”

“Is this all you brought home?” Mom asked, lifting up my light backpack that had only my flannel inside. “Where are all your books? Don't tell me you had no homework, Jason has a pile of books in his room up to my knees usually and you take most of the same classes.”

“I get my work done in class.” I lied.

“Your report card tells a different story.” Dad said sternly, standing up and grabbing his jacket. “You know, it might be a good idea for you to bring your work home so I can go over it with you in the evenings. Maybe Jason could help you. He has some of the best grades in your class. He's been on honors since Junior High.”

“Yay for Jason.” I said under my breath.

“Be sarcastic all you want, but at least he isn't bringing home D's like somebody did on their last report card.” Dad said.

“Darrel.” Mom said with a sigh. “Don't be so hard on her.”

“I'm not being hard on her, I'm being honest.” Dad said. “If she doesn't pick up her grades, she'll never be anything.”

“We'll talk about this later.” Mom said evenly, trying to cut the tension that was slowly growing heavier and heavier in the kitchen. I felt like bolting, but instead I sat with my eyes glued to my orange juice cup and trying to restrain myself from fighting back. It would only make things worse. My Dad was someone you couldn't and shouldn't argue with.

“And we'll talk about Jason staying out at all hours.” Dad said. “Maybe a family meeting.”

I rolled my eyes. I loved it when they pretended to care, but really just wanted to yell at us.

“Do you want a ride to school?” Dad asked, peering out the kitchen windows and seeing the pouring rain outside. “You'll get soaked if you walk.”

“I'll take an umbrella.” I said, not feeling very fond of my parents this morning. I wake up, and the first thing they do is badger me about everything they can think of. It was their special brand of Morning Attack.

“Oh c'mon.” He said, patting me on the back. “Don't be mad Anna, I'm just concerned about you.”

You're concerned about me? You just spent your whole day in bed mourning your dead daughter, and the next day you pretend as if everything is right in the world again. I might have emotional and social problems father dear, but they're nothing compared to yours. Of course, I didn't say all of this and instead I waved him off.

“I'll be fine.”

“Don't say I didn't ask.” He said, dropping a kiss on the top of my head. “Come home right after school.”

Like I ever had anywhere to go.

“And tell Jason to too.”

Like I actually talked to my brother at school. He avoided me in the hallways like I had the plague.

As Dad predicted, even with an umbrella I was soaked by the time I reached school. I had an extra change of clothes in my locker for this very situation – it wasn't the first time I'd had to walk in the pouring rain to school after all. I quickly changed in the bathroom, my hair still wet and my shoes making an odd slurping sound because of all the water still inside. My feet were freezing because I hadn't been brilliant enough to put an extra pair of socks in with the extra jeans and sweater. Josie giggled at my wet shoes and hair in Home EC.

“You look like a drowned rat.” She told me cheerfully. “Get stuck out in the rain?”

“No, I just turned the garden hose on myself before I came into school this morning.” I said as I leaned up against the Home EC kitchen counters. “I thought it'd be fun. It really was too.”

She smirked. “Funny.”

“Thanks.”

She then launched into a story about staying up until four in the morning talking to her Internet boyfriend, and I zoned out as she babbled on. My eyes strayed to the doors, where that weird kid who had bothered me in the library stood. He had his hands in his pockets, and he was looking around nervously. He saw me though, and he smiled as he caught my eye. He then went over to our teacher and handed her a note. Then as he left, passing Josie and my work station, he reached out and quickly tweaked the end of my wet hair with his hand. He walked out of the room, grinning at me over his shoulder one last time as he shut the door behind him.

Josie watched him go, a curious look on her face. “Is that Adam? I didn't realize he still went to school here. I never see him around.”

“Yeah, he was bugging me in the library yesterday.” I said, dipping my finger into the chocolate cake mix and getting my hand slapped by Josie. “He's kinda weird.”

“Look who's talking.” She laughed. “He was always pretty sweet though, if not a little weird. We had gym together our freshman year, and he was the only one who was nice to me the entire year.”

I shrugged. “I don't know him all that well.”

“I think he likes you.” Josie said decidedly. “He was staring at you the entire time he was in here.”

“Wow, he looked at me for half a minute. Call the papers!”

“It was the way he looked at you, not the amount of time.”

“He was just interested in asking me about my sister... that's all.” I shrugged, feeling suddenly uncomfortable. “He knew yesterday was the day. He said he'd read all about us in the papers. It was was kinda strange how he talked. Like he had studied about her or something.”

Josie looked at me with frank curiosity. “Everyone is curious about her, but no one ever asks I suppose.”

“Yeah...” I said quietly, thinking of my family and how they pretended like she only existed one day a year. “I don't really mind people bringing her up... I guess people asking about her is better than everyone forgetting about her.”

chapter one - Saving Anna

2006-11-05T17:22:18Z

My house is rarely silent at seven in the morning. Mom is always up cooking breakfast and listening to the news and pretending like she cares what is happening in the world when she really just wants to see what the Today show girls are wearing. My Dad can be heard loudly complaining about something my brother or I did, or maybe something boring to do with work. My brother Jason is usually screaming from upstairs about his missing sneaker or his missing geometry book because he can never keep track of anything. He screams for my mother to help him, like she should know where he puts every single thing that belongs to him. She screams back that she doesn't know where it is, and that he should take better care of his things. She always comes upstairs to help him look anyway though. All while this normal morning stuff happens, I'm curled up in bed as long as I can manage until my Mom comes and pounds on my door for me to wake up and come down to breakfast. We're having pancakes, she'll say sometimes. I have to remind her I don't like pancakes, and each time she scoffs in disbelief. How can anyone not like pancakes?

Every November 14th though, it's different. The house is silent. It's too quiet actually. We wait for this day every year. The week before the 14th, you can feel the tension in the air as the day creeps closer. Our thoughts turn to five years ago, the events leading up to the day that changed everything in our lives forever. My Mom stops cooking and stays in bed late into the morning. My brother actually quiets down, and starts skipping school complaining of sore throats. My Dad gets tenser than usual, and snaps at anyone that happens to cross his path. I just watch them, looking for signs that they remember her as more than just a day. They don't though. All through the year, they act as if they're getting better. Then November 14th comes around, and it's like it hits them like a bomb. It brings back the pain that we went through, especially the first year, and the grief that I thought I would never get over. The mind-numbing shock of lose that I never wanted to feel again.

They don't even say her name. Did you know that? They go through the year acting as if we're this normal American family. My Mom goes to work and gossips with her co-workers over a cigarette she pretends not to be addicted to. My Dad goes to work and lords over the people in his car business. My brother goes off to school and plays basketball. We're not supposed to speak her name. We talk about the past still, a past she was very much a part of, yet we keep her out of it. We drop her name from stories that she was in. Our family vacation to Yosemite National park is suddenly just a story of Dad, Mom, Jason and Anna – that's me, by the way. Nicole, even though she's in the pictures on the wall, is suddenly no longer a part of that trip. The funny story where Nicole and I caught the biggest fish we had ever seen? It turned into the funny story where Anna caught the biggest fish we had ever seen.

Not that I think they truly have forgotten about her, but they don't like to think about her. They don't like to be reminded of the pain as they go through their days. The first two years after Nicole were nearly the death of our family. Mom crying in the bathroom, Dad never home, and Jason cutting us all off with icy stares at every turn. I sat in my room, not wanting to be around any of them. I didn't want to hear Mom sobbing because her heart was shattered, or my Dad slurring his words on the rare occasion he came home. I couldn't stand the constant calls of family members and neighbors to see if we were alright. I couldn't stand the tone of my mother's voice as she blatantly lied to them saying we were getting by. I was so sick of coming down from my room for breakfast to see my mother's face blotchy and her eyes swollen from crying all night. My Dad wouldn't be there. Jason would be heading off to school, not even tossing us a glance. It was hell to see them fall apart, and I didn't think it could get any worse.

But it did.

They recovered... or so they thought. If you could call this recovery, not mentioning my sister's name and going through life as if the smiling girl in the pictures in our hallways is merely a memory of what used to be. This is worse than the constant crying, the staying out all night, and the icy silences between us at dinner. This fake normalcy makes me want to scream even louder. It makes me want to shake them, and ask them if they remembered her name. Did they remember how she would bite her lip when she got nervous or how she listened to her music way too loud. They acted as if she didn't exist all year long. Yet on November 14th, suddenly they did. Suddenly they crept back into their shells, and remembered another girl once lived here. A girl named Nicole that was my whole heart and soul. They miss her one day a year. I miss her every second of the day.

Today it is quiet in my house at seven in the morning. I sit in bed and pick lint off the furry pink comforter that my mother bought me for my bedroom. It matched my curtains, you see. Nicole used to say my room looked like a pepto palace. My room is still dark, the pink curtains are tightly shut against the creeping sun. I need to get up though, I have an important test in history today. I don't want to miss it since my grades have been slowly falling. I listen for sounds of Jason, but even he is quiet. This is rare. Usually he's up taking a shower, and putting on too much cologne. You can usually smell him by now, even from my room down the hall. He stinks up the whole house, but today I'd give anything to smell it. It would tell me that at least someone else in my house was alive and realizing that today isn't the end of the world. Yes, it's the day we lost her... but every day is a day without her. This one is no different to me now.

I couldn't sit around in bed all day, so I made myself get up and get dressed. My eyes stared back at me from my reflection in the mirror in my tiny bathroom that I had once shared with my sister. There used to be eyeliner strewn across the counter, hair dye boxes in the trash and long dark hairs stuck in the drain. Now there was only my small makeup collection, and a few brown hairs. She would have never let me get the pink and white shower curtain that I now had up, replacing the old beat up blue one that she had picked out. She wasn't around anymore to do my hair, to put life into my drab long locks. So I brushed my hair, my teeth and put a bit of chap stick on my dry lips that cracked and peeled every winter. I stared at myself, thinking of how pathetic I looked. My skin white from being hidden from the sun. I used to play soccer, and I would tan magnificently. Now I didn't play sports. I never felt up to it. I gave them up, and contented myself with long hours in front of the television I had gotten my mom to buy for my bedroom.

I rubbed cold water over my eyes, hoping to bring a bit of life back into the sleepy slits that looked like they weren't completely awake. It didn't help, except make me feel colder than I already did. On my way out of my room, I pulled on my favorite brown zip-hoodie and a pair of mismatched black and pink gloves. I never matched my gloves or socks. It was a habit I picked up as a kid, and was teased for in elementary. I never minded. I walked out into the hallway, and the lights were still off. I flicked them on, and looked around at all the closed doors around me. Jason's door painted with basketballs and baseballs from his childhood was still closed. I knew he would be going to school, but no one had come to wake him. He didn't stay in bed over grief. He stayed in bed thankful for an excuse to sleep-in and miss first period. He hated first period because it was his chem class. He always flunked his tests, but he got excellent grades on his work in between tests thanks to the pretty girls who sat beside him and helped him out. They couldn't resist the captain of the basketball team.

My parents door was closed. And probably locked. I leaned against the hallway wall and looked around at all the pictures we had hung up over the years. She was still there. All the portraits we took as a family, and of just us kids. Jason with short military-like hair cuts, Nicole when Mom could still trick her into wearing dresses, and little me smiling with no front teeth. I was the youngest. Just a few minutes younger than Jason, and four years younger than Nicole. She was our big sister, and she took good care of us. She stood up for me when Mom wanted me to have bangs, and I didn't. She beat up the kid that tried to steal Jason's bike. She taught me how to swim when I was five, and how to ride my bike when I was four. She helped me home when I fell off my bike and scraped my knee at the park. I didn't want mom to clean the cut. I wanted Nicole. She sang silly songs as she cleaned the cut, put medicine on my poor shaking knee, and finished with a Bugs Bunny band-aid.

The pictures were painful to look at. They felt like lost memories of our child-hood. We could never go back to a time when playing on the neighbors trampoline and going outside in the snow to build a fort was the most fun we thought we'd ever have. We could never go back to playing house in Nicole's room, and how we would steal Jason's GI Joe's to be our Barbie's boyfriends. She never really liked Barbie, of course, but she played with them for me. The little girl with the page-boy style hair-cut and the mischievous smile that took care of me, and was the best big sister a little girl could ever have grew up into a tall, dark teenager that the family lost touch with – everyone but me, that is. And then she was gone as quick as you could snap your fingers.

Her room was still next to mine. It was empty now, drained of all the things that had made it hers. Mom had packed it up two years after Nicole left. She had taken down all the rock posters, and all the plastic stars on the ceiling. There were still ink scribbles on the walls, tiny remembrances of the girl that had liked to scribble curse words and band names on the milk white walls just to piss her mother off. I went in there when all of her things were still intact and sat there sometimes on the black and red bedspread, and stared at all the clothes strewn on the floor. No one had moved anything. I did though. A week before Mom packed up everything, I stole Nicole's diary and her tiny pink star earrings. They were a gift from one of her friends, and she had always worn them. She hadn't on the day she died though. They were tucked neatly into her jewelry box, as if waiting for someone to come pick them up and put them on. Someone like me. The brown hoodie I wore was hers too, but she had given it to me when I was thirteen. She had bought it for me for Christmas. My mom still cringed at the sight of it.

I strayed by the door that once led to her room for a while, touching the wood panels and remembering how I used to sit with my ear to the door when I was little and Nicole had friends overs. I wanted to hear them talk about boys and older girl stuff. They rarely did. She only had two friends, a boy and a girl. They were now in college, but I still saw them around sometimes since the school was only an half and hour away. Our small town is smack next to the city, a place where Nicole journeyed to as much as she could, and dreamed of someday calling her home. She threatened to move out all the time, and go live there – especially when her and Mom got into fights. Which was pretty often the last few years she was alive. Dad used to sneer and tell Nicole she could go wherever she pleased, that he didn't care. He actually did though. She would run off to stay with one of her friends, usually the boy, and Dad would go get her the next day. He would say he was sorry, and she would accept. When he would go to hug her, her arms would lay limply at her sides. She never hugged him back. She would just go up to her room, and continue dreaming of a day she would finally be able to runaway forever. The city is calling my name, she told me, I can feel it.

A part of me wanted to knock on my parents door, and curl up in bed with them like I did when I was little. I knew I couldn't do that anymore though. I was a senior in high school now. I did feel very alone though as I trudged downstairs, feeling the emptiness of my big house, and the dark cold of the kitchen that was usually lit up in the mornings and smelling of breakfast foods. I grabbed a orange juice from the fridge, not feeling hungry whatsoever, and sat down at the table. I had plenty of time before I had to be at school. I hated arriving early, and having no one to sit with. I used to walk to school with Nicole, and she would sit with me until one of my friends arrived. She would play with my hair, and tell me stories about when she was in my grade. The stories usually involved her getting into trouble, or her doing something she shouldn't and the glory of not getting busted. It was never anything too bad. She was one of the rebel kids that smoked things she shouldn't, and skipped too many days but she was never a bad kid. Not in my eyes anyway. She never picked on anyone she shouldn't, or did anything to hurt anyone. She was quiet and dark. She liked to be left alone to do what she wanted. She was extremely sensitive. She was depressed most of the time. She started dyeing her lovely light brown hair black just like her friends, and dressing in clothes that she found at the thrift shop. People laughed at her for it, including our brother. She never wanted to see anyone, spending all of her time in her room sprawled out on her covers with a notebook to draw in. Her eyes looked so empty when I'd knock and peek in to talk to her. At first, my parents didn't take her seriously and said it was 'just a phase.' She felt misunderstood by just about everyone. Everyone, but me and her friends she said. She felt no one ever took her seriously. I never knew how much that hurt her until it was too late.

I closed my eyes for a minute and my hand gripped at the side of the table as if to steady myself from falling over from the memories that were now pushing and pulling at me, the pain was starting to seep back in stronger than ever. I missed her so much sometimes. She was the only person in my house who I had really depended on. Now she wasn't there to tell me it would be OK, and curl up at night with to watch movies. The one person who “got it” was no longer around. I could now understand how she had once felt, that no one understood her or took her seriously. I was now in her shoes. Not literally, of course... she would never wear my torn up sneakers. She always opted for big black boots. Better to stomp on things, you see. I had always admired her strength, her character. I hadn't known she was as troubled as they now say she was. It hurt a little to think she hadn't told me about the things they said she did. Like the drugs, about the boy she had been dating at the time. I hadn't known none of it. She had known everything about me though. Every inch and thought. I hadn't spared her anything. She had to hear about every crush, every bad word said to me in the halls at school. She hadn't told me much at all, now that I think about it.

I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts and checked my watch. It was time to go. I grabbed another orange juice since I was always thirsty, and peered upstairs one more time before I left. It was still in complete darkness. I sighed, and headed out the door into the chilly November air. The dead leaves crunched under my sneakers as I started the familiar path to my high school. The same school Nicole had went to, and had warned me against. Don't try to fit in, she had told me, just be yourself. In being myself, I was now pretty much invisible at school. I don't think anyone would know my name if it weren't for the fact I was now known as the girl with the big sister that had killed herself in her own closet. No one said it out-loud though. It was widely known that they looked at her OD as an accident, not a suicide. I think we all knew though, that it was anything but. I felt a few tears in my eyes as I thought about this. I didn't like to, but sometimes I couldn't help it.

Stop thinking about, I ordered myself as I trudged along the cracked sidewalk and crossed the street to enter the school quad. There were quite a few cars in the parking lot now, lazy kids pouring into the doors and grumbling about having to get up early even though they'd done it nearly every day since they were five. We still weren't used to it. I could see them looking at me as I entered the main doors with them, excusing myself whenever I accidentally bumped into someone in the busy hallways. They knew what day it was. Everyone did. Nicole killing herself was the only exciting thing to happen in the history of Shelton, Wisconsin. It was all everyone talked about this time of year, her picture was on a plaque outside the principals office. I hate to admit it, but seeing it there made me laugh. Her sarcastic smile peering back at me from her last yearbook photo. She hadn't even wanted to attend on picture day, but Mom had made her. So Nicole dressed in a dirty black lace blouse and had twisted and messed her hair into dreads. She looked exactly like she wanted to look; like a freak. Her heavy makeup and purple lipstick made me chuckle. I may not have known everything about my sister, but this was how I wanted everyone to remember her; as the girl who didn't give a fuck about what you thought of her.

part 19 - indie jane.

2005-11-21T06:10:14Z

Claire had never felt a rush like that before. Performing brought something out in her she had never known was there. She had just closed her eyes and went for it. She didn't even notice the crowd as she sang, maybe she had blocked them out. She just heard the music and heard their voices blending together perfectly. She didn't notice the thrilled crowd before her or the screams of new admirers. She didn't see Kate sitting in the second row, looking completely taken aback at the talent "little Claire" had kept hidden for so long. She didn't notice the stunned look on Arnold's face as he stood in the wing and tried to quiet his fear that maybe Exit 77 wouldn't win after all.

She just felt the exhileration of being on stage, like she should of been all this time, and the feeling that she was finally living.

After the show, she was hugged and congratulated by more people than she could count. She was almost squeezed to death by her friends, who all had tears in their eyes and hardly heard them as they told her how fantastic she had sounded. She told them they had sounded amazing too.

Emily and Claire's mother even were thrilled by the performance, and handed Claire a dozen roses. She only came out of her daze when Jude tapped her on the shoulder and told her they would be announcing the winners in a moment. She smiled weakly and told him she really didn't care who won because she already felt like a million dollars. He told her to stop being so cheesy and go get her prize...

The Principal had just announced Indie Jane were the winners. There were tears all around as Indie Jane were handed their trophy, and Dot was sobbing so hard she could barely hold it up. Claire was laughing at her friend with a mixture of shock and joy. She was even more shocked that as soon as Quinn had finished hugging her, that Goth girl went and leaped into Jude's waiting arms. Claire watched, stunned, as Quinn planted a kiss right on Jude's lips.

Quinn, who just seemed to remember Claire was right there, looked back at her friend almost guiltily.

"It's ok." Claire said, watching them with a smile. "You're a lot better for him than I ever was."

So, with laughs all around, the band celebrated their victory. Jude and Quinn also celebrated their new relationship and proudly told Claire the story of how they had fallen in love over their comic book creating days. They were even going to prom together, they said. They beamed at one another as they talked and Claire was touched to see how much they truly meant to each other.

"I was scared to tell you because I thought you'd be mad." Quinn confessed, giving Claire a quick hug.

"I'm not." Claire assured her friend. "I was just surprised.. I can't believe I never thought of it before. You guys have been spending an awful a lot of time together after all. I guess that wasn't all spent on the comic."

Jude and Quinn sheepishly looked at one another and they all laughed.

Even Arnold came up to congratulate Claire, although he did it with a slightly bitter tone to his voice. His band had, after all, just settled for second place.

"You sound really good up there." He admitted. "I never knew you had such an amazing voice."

"Thanks." She said lightly. "You sounded great tonight too."

He shrugged. "You sounded better."

"I know." She admitted, with a grin. Then she looked down at his messy sneakers. "And my crappy sneakers are so much cooler than yours."

"As always, Wilson." He gave her a bit of a grin, then went off to celebrate the night with a few of his new girlfriends.

"That boy." Quinn said, shaking her head. "He has girls calling at all hours of the night for him. What they see in him I'll never know.."

"Me either." Claire said, with a smirk.

Jude then put his arms around Quinn. "I'd love to stay here and chat, but remember that we have dinner plans with your parents."

Quinn rolled her eyes. "Oh yeah.. it's time for the parentals to meet the boyfriend, I suppose."

"How are you and that evil step mother?" Claire giggled.

Quinn made a face. "She isn't the worst. I can't say the same for her son, but eh. I think I just might live."

Claire was happy to hear that, but wouldn't ever admit it to Quinn. "Well, if they ever get too evil.. remember, I have a spare room for you."

Quinn grinned. "What are you up to tonight or are we leaving you all alone here?"

"I'll find something to do." Claire assured them. "Go."

So Jude and Quinn left hand in hand to go meet Quinn's parents, and Claire met up with Dot and Ezra. They were full of plans to go celebrate their big victory at some dance club. Claire, who hated the kind of music they happened to love, declined their offer to join them.

"You won't be a third wheel, so don't even worry about that." Dot said, thinking that was the problem.

"Third wheel?" Ezra looked surprised. "You're our Claire Bear. How could you think such a thing?"

"I don't." Claire assured them, giving them each a hug in turn. "I think I'm just going to go home and sleep for a few days at least."

"I can't sleep, I'm too pumped." Dot said, hopping in place. "I need to dance it off."

So Ezra and Dot, after giving Claire a few more hugs, danced out of the auditorium towards their night at the clubs.

"Nice show up there." Kate said, as she walked out with Gary, the long distance boyfriend, on her arm.

"Thanks." Claire said for what felt like the millioneth time that night.

"This is Gary." Kate explained, although Claire recongized him from the pictures in Kate's room.

"Hi." He smiled. "I really love your music. Do you have any CD's out?"

Claire grinned. "Not yet, I'm afraid."

"Well, make sure you let me know when you do." He said, shaking her hand quite formally.

Kate gave Claire a smile. "Really though.. I never saw you so happy before. You looked like a whole new person up there."

Claire suddenly felt like laughing. "I think I was."

So, finally, after everyone had given their congratulations and most of the people had streamed out of their auditorium, Claire as alone. She walked around the school for a while and settled on the playground behind the elementary school building.

Occasionally, she and her friends liked to come swing on the swings. She found her favorite one and sat down. She swung herself way up high for a while and finally settled on lightly rocking back and forth.

It was starting to get dark, but she didn't feel like going home yet. She just watched the sunset and smiled to herself as she thought about that days events. For once, it had been a perfect day.

"Is this swing free?" She turned around surprised, as she heard a male voice behind her. She had thought the playground was completely empty and had been humming "Wallflowers on Tuesday" quietly to herself.

"Um.. sure." She said, looking at the newcomer. He was about her age, tall and with glasses. Even in the dark, she could see he was good looking. In that nerdy way that she liked.

She felt nervous though and wondered if she should leave. She started to get up, but he stopped her.

"Don't go." He said, sitting down in the swing next to her. "Don't you have time to talk to an old friend?"

She stopped at these words and looked at him again. There was something oddly famalier about him, but she couldn't quite place it. She felt embarrased that she couldn't remember this person who called himself a friend.

"You don't remember who I am." He said, a slow smile appearing on his face. "Oh, I'm wounded!"

She smiled bashfully. "Sorry.."

He pretended to think. "Hmm, I guess I should of worn a sweater vest and maybe then you would of remembered me.. sadly, I got rid of all of those last summer though."

Stunned, she stared at him. "David!"

He grinned, looking cuter than she had ever remembered him being. "The one and only!"

She couldn't believe it, David Patowski was sitting next to her. She openly gasped and almost fell out of her swing. "What are you doing back here?!"

"I came back for the summer." He explained, looking thrilled at her surprise. "I came to the talent show hoping to see you, and I just lucked out."

She bit her lip. "You saw Indie Jane?"

He nodded. "Yeah.. I never knew you were such an amazing singer."

"Not a lot of people did." She admitted. "Well, not that I'm AMAZING, but I'm ok.."

He smirked. "You still can't take a compliment. Some things never change.. I remember before the Spring Fling I told you that you were gorgeous and you told me to shut up."

She laughed. "You told me in front of my parents! I was so embarrased."

"I say what I think." He shrugged. "Anyway, I saw you after the show.. but I got a little shy. I never knew you had so many admirers."

She blushed again. "Either did I."

"But none of them are.. serious?" He asked, trying not to look too concerned.

She blushed. "Not at all."

He swung a little, looking a great deal happier. "My Dad is thinking of moving back here, but he's not sure."

Her eyes opened wide. "Wow.. I'd.."

"What?" He asked when she stopped.

"I'd be thrilled if you did." She said softly. "I've missed you around here. A lot."

He looked touched. "I've missed you too."

"You never wrote." She said with her nose in the air.

"You never wrote." He shot back, the grin back on his face.

"I just figured you'd found some California bimbo and forgotten all about me.." She said with a fake sad sigh.

"Oh?" He asked, looking wicked. "Speaking of bimbos, I hear you and Arnold were a bit of a thing.."

She burst out laughing. "We went on one date, if you could even call that a thing."

"Nah." He said with a shake of his head. "No bimbos for me either. Hardly anyone in my new school noticed me at all."

"So it's a lot like Davidson?" She teased.

"Yep." He said, proud of his nerdyness.

She was so glad to see him, she couldn't even put it into words as they sat talking. She couldn't believe how tall and good looking he had gotten either. She had always found him cute, with his messy hair and freckles, but now there was no denying how extremely well he had grown up. He noticed her staring and called her on it.

"You're just different looking." She admitted. "I barely recongized you."

It was his turn to be embarrased. "So do you. I've just gotten taller.. but you.."

She smiled, tugging at the skirt she wore. "Ah, these are just lothes. You're so tall and handsome though."

He raised his chin so she could admire his profile. "You really think so?"

She burst out laughing at his joke. "Oh yeah, you're a hottie now. I'm surprised you can keep the girls off of you."

He grinned. "Speaking of hotties.."

"I don't wear these kind of clothes a lot." She admitted with a laugh. "Dot dressed me up."

He laughed too. "Oh god, Dot. I can't wait to talk to her again. I've missed all of you guys. Mainly you though, of course."

"Of course." She smiled.

He looked at her sideways. "I really did miss you. I thought about you all the time"

"I missed you too." She admitted. "A lot. Just as Dot and everyone.. I never shut up about you."

He looked pleased to hear this. "I was afraid you'd forgotten about me."

She shook her head. "How could I ever do that? You were my first and only boyfriend!"

He grinned. "Only. I'm glad to hear that."

She blushed. "Sad, but true."

"So.. do you have a date to the prom?" He asked, staring at his hands. "I'm guessing you do, but yeah.."

She too looked down at her own rather shaky hands. "Nope."

"Oh." He kicked at the wood chips underneath his sneakers. "Interesting."

"Are you going to ask me or not?" She asked, feeling brave.

He looked up at her with a smile. "Would you say yes?"

"We'll see." She said back, which was the way she and David use to talk to each other. Always teasing one another.

"So will you?" He asked. "I mean, go to to the prom with me? I mean.. we never OFFICIALLY broke up, so techinically I'm still obligated to do boyfriend related activities."

She pretended to think it over. "Hmm.."

He tilted his head to one side. "Come on Claire.. don't keep me waiting."

She made a face. "If I have to go to prom, it might as well be with you."

Then she gave him a wink to show she was kidding. He gave her a look that made her stomach fill up with butterflies. Just like he used to. There was no denying it, Claire was very happy David had come home.

"Deal." He said and they formally shook on it.

Then, as she laughed at their silly deal, he tugged at the swing she was sitting in and pulled her over towards him. Then kissed her softly like only David could. It was a whole lot better than kissing Arnold or Jude too.

"I'd missed doing that too." He admitted, smiling that smile she had always loved so much.

She kissed him on his freckled nose. "Me too."

THE END

part 18 - indie jane.

2005-11-20T01:19:21Z

"I'm not going to punch you Dot." Claire said, as she sat on the roof of Dot's house later that night and looked at the stars.

"I deserve it though." Dot said, shaking her head mournfully. "It was my idea for you to ask Jude after all."

"You didn't know he already had a date." Claire said fairly, leaning against her best friend's shoulder. "Besides, I kind of deserved it, after how I treated him at Elijah's party. I had it coming. I guess we're even now."

"That's an.. odd way to look at it." Dot giggled.

Claire didn't laugh, she was thoughtful about the whole ordeal. "He was really nice about it though.. so I can't really be mad at him. I'm not angry with anyone, for that matter. At least right at this very moment."

"Not even Arnold?" Dot looked surprised.

"Eh." Claire shrugged. "He's too stupid to hate."

The two best friends giggled into their sodas.

"So, what will you do on prom night?" Dot asked Claire, as soon as they had stopped giggling and regained composure.

Claire shrugged once more. "I guess I'll just stay home and do nothing. I'm not really feeling up to much fun right now."

"I'll stay with you then." Dot said loyally. "I can't have you staying home all alone."

"No." Claire objected, grateful that Dot would give up the night she had been looking forward to but not willing to let her best friend go through with it. "You go to prom and have a great time. Then you can come tell me all about it.. maybe I'll go next year."

"I could find you date." Dot said, already thinking of who Claire might like. "Do you like dark-haired guys or blondes? Hmm.."

"No thank you." Claire laughed. "I do not want a date."

Dot sighed. "If only David Patowski was still here.. you'd probably say yes to him."

Claire thought of her former, nerdy boyfriend with a smile. "Yeah, probably. Why can't more guys be like him? He was so sweet and.. ugh."

"No use crying over him now." Dot said wisely. "You have to move on."

"Well, I don't want any of the guys at Davidson." Claire said. "You have the only good one after all."

"You could go with me and Ez." Dot suggested. "We could be a three-party date."

Claire smiled. "No thanks, I don't want to be the third-wheel between you guys."

Dot looked disgusted. "You're never the third-wheel. You're our Claire-Bear!"

Claire looked down at her hands. "Sometimes I just feel like I am.. a lot of the time actually. Like when we hang out together after band practice in Ez's room."

"Well, you're not." Dot said sternly. "If we were ever sick of you, we'd tell you."

Claire smiled. "Ok then."

"No, it's not ok." Dot look truly troubled by this revelation. "You are never in the way Claire, you're my best friend after all. You should know I love you best."

"Thanks." Claire said, suddenly feeling a lot better by about the night. "I love you best too."

"Ezra is just second." Dot joked, with a wave of her hand. "After all, we met first and were friends way before Ezzie came into the picture. You and I are the orginals."

Claire liked the sound of that. "I like Ez and Quinn too, I suppose."

"Eh, they're ok." Dot teased. "Although, I have to admit, I did feel rather jealous about all the time you spend with Quinn this year."

Claire gave her best friend a hug. "I love Quinn, but she'll never be Dottie."

"Hallmark moment." Dot sighed, spreading her arms wide and looking out on the dark town, lit only by random street lights.

They sat silent for a while, their heads together thoughtfully. Dot finally broke the silence. "So.. are you nervous about the talent show tomorrow?"

"A bit." Claire admitted. "I'm not sure if I can live on if Arnold's band beats ours."

"We'll both jump off this roof if they do." Dot decided with a smile.

"Deal." Claire laughed.

Finally the girls carefully climbed down the roof and went to bed. They needed their sleep for the big day ahead, but Claire didn't get much. She stayed awake, staring at the ceiling and thinking over the year. Maybe a lot of bad things had happened, but at least she had met Quinn, gotten things straightened out with Jude, gotten to know another side of Kate Arthur and had for the most part gotten over her Arnold crush.

It hadn't been a bad year at all, she realized, but she wouldn't be sad to see it end. She then finally drifted off into dream world and slept peacefully.

The talent show was the second biggest event at Davidson every year, eclipsed only by prom. There were many categories in the competition, so just about everyone at school had an act. There was gymnastics, singing, dance, acting, special talents, and the most popular category - bands. Every year, there had been an array of locally talented musical acts and so far, Exit 77 had ruled the stage.

Indie Jane entered the auditorium an hour before the big show, excited and nervous. They were smiling though, as they carried their instruments backstage to the practice room assigned to them. A sign with their name on it was taped to the door. Even thoug someone had misspelled their band name (Indy Jane), Ezra already felt like a star.

"Our own dressing room." Gushed Ezra, as he saw the sign. "It even has OUR name on it."

"Spelled wrong." Dot point out.

"Still." He ripped down the sign. "I'm going to put this in the Indie Jane scrapbook I've been making."

"You're making a scrapbook?" Dot raised an eyebrow at this idea.

"Yep." He said with a decided nod. "It has all our pictures in it, some broken strings, and a talent show flier."

"Hmm." Dot said, rolling her eyes. "Sounds fascinating."

"Unluckily, our gigantic talent show trophy won't fit into your scrapbook." Quinn said, as they entered their "dressing room" which looked suspiciously liked their World History classroom.

"Nope." Dot said confidently. "It'll go on my dresser."

Quinn put her hands on hips. "Why would YOU get to keep OUR trophy? If anyone gets it, it should be Claire."

"Hey, I'm the one who owns our practice room." Ezra objected. "It should go in my basement, on a special shelf."

Claire, watching them argue, rolled her eyes. "We don't even have the trophy guys, I think it's a little early to be arguing about who gets to keep it. We might not even win it."

Dot looked horrified. "Shut your mouth! Don't jinx us!"

"You'll jinx us by being overly confident." Claire shot back, as her nerves started to take over as she heard the faint sound of a beautiful male voice singing. The solo singers always went first in the talent show. It was already under way.

"Hey, let's all chill out." Quinn said, sitting down on top of a desk and pulling her heavy black backpack onto her lap. "Let's get out makeup done, put on our outfits, and then warm up our voices. It'll distract us till it's our turn to go on."

"We're on last." Dot said, checking the schedule. "Is that a good sign? Don't the winning bands always go last in the movies?"

Quinn shrugged. ".. I guess so."

Dot shook herself, and for the first time in their long friendship, Claire noticed that Dot's nerves were starting to get to her. Claire jumped down off of the desk she was sitting on and went to comfort her best friend.

"Don't worry Dottie, we're going to be fine. Haven't we played these songs a million and two times already?"

"Never in front of people." Dot said, biting her fingernails.

"Hey, I'm supposed to be the bundle of nerves around here." Claire mockingly accused. "Don't lose it on me now."

"Sorry." Dot said, looking truly embarrased. "I just had all these nightmares about losing the beat or breaking a drum stick.. or losing control of one and it flying off."

"Maybe it would hit someone. Like in the eye!" Ezra said hopefully, as Quinn applied his eyeliner.

Dot shot him a dirty look. "Shut up and let Quinn finish your makeover."

"Hey, I have to look good too." He objected, as Quinn got out the fingernail polish to paint his nails black. "Besides, I look sexy in eyeliner."

Dot studied him and had to agree. "You're prettier than me. I officially hate you."

Ezra beamed.

After they put on the "costumes" that Dot had carefully picked out for them, they practiced their vocals. They really didn't need to, the late night practices all year long had really paid off. Dot, Claire, and Quinn sounded amazing together. They even got a few compliments from the acappela group that was practicing in the classroom next to them.

Sitting around in the classroom and waiting for their turn, finally started to bore them. So they tentively left to go see some of the other acts.
They snuck into the left wing to watch all the action. A few Junior High girls were doing a skit they had written by themselves and it was rather amusing. The audience was enjoying it, and applauded for it appreciatevly.

Claire always found Talent Show day fascinating because she had never known there were such interesting people in her own school. She, after all, hadn't known Ashley Paul could play the flute or that Morgan Johnson could do flips on the balance beam.

As she listened to a dark-haired freshman girl sing the theme song to the Little Mermaid, someone tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around, surprised, to see Arnold standing behind her. He was dressed in torn jeans and an old t-shirt. Punk gear, she supposed. Old sneakers completed the look too.

"Hey." She said, taking a step back from him. He was too close for her liking.

"Hey." He said, nervously running a hand through his hair. "I almost didn't recongize you for a moment in that outfit your wearing.. wow."

Dot had picked out a black tanktop and hotpink plaid skirt for Claire. She wore black tights under it and her own old sneakers. She felt rather silly, but the whole gang had assured her she looked "hot."

"Er, thanks." She said, feeling extremely uncomfortable. Especially at the way he was looking at her, like he REALLY liked what he saw.

"Is that your band gear?" He lightly teased, pointing to the hotpink guitar in the corner with the rest of Indie Jane's equipment.

"Yes." She said. "I bought the guitar to match my skirt, don't you know?"

He looked unsure if she was kidding or not. "Yeah.."

"We're on right after you." She said, holding up the talent show schedule. "We're called Indie Jane, if you'd forgotten."

"I didn't." He said lightly, leaning against the stage wall. "I'm interested in seeing you... Jude says that you're really good."

She blushed. "I guess you'll just have to watch and find out for yourself if we really are."

He looked stunned at her hostile tone. She had never talked to him that way before. Hardly anyone had, as a matter of fact. "I guess I will."

She turned around to watch The Little Mermaid singer's dramatic finish. He stayed there, standing uncomfortably close to her. He finally dared put his hand on her shoulder, and she instinctivly drew away from his touch.

He held his hands up, as if caught in a criminal act. "Sorry.. I didn't mean to."

"I'd rather you not touch me. Ever." She said coldly.

"Sorry." He said again, shoving his hands in his pockets. "I just thought.."

"You thought what?" She incquired. "That you'd give me a few weeks to cool down and you'd have another chance? I don't think so. I'm sure tons of other girls let you treat them like that, but I'm not one of them."

He shook his head, looking disgusted. "You are way more trouble than you're worth. I said I'm sorry, damn."

She stared at him for a moment, this arrogant but harmless boy. She couldn't believe she had ever seen anything in him. That smile of his had tricked her one too many times, she wasn't going to fall for it any longer.

"I'll be your friend Arnold, but only for Quinn's sake." She said firmly. "But let me make myself perfectly clear, I want nothing to do with you in any romantic sense. My crush on you has officially been terminated."

He stared at her as if she was mad. "Whatever."

"Yeah, whatever." She said, a bit of sarcasm in her voice. "Is that all you have to say? I doubt you're too disapointed, the only reason you 'liked' me anyway was because you heard I had a crush on you. Isn't that right?"

He didn't deny it.

"See you later." She said, dismissing him.

"See you." He said and turned to walk away. He turned around though, stopping only to say. "Good luck."

"I don't need luck." She said with a bit of a smile on her face. "Hmm, I've always wanted to say that.."

He then quickly walked away.

Dot, who had been listening to the whole conversation, bounced over to Claire anad hugged her. "Wow! Look at you, standing up for yourself. I'm so proud of you!"

Claire blushed. "I just said what I felt."

"You did great." Dot assured her. "Wow, I never thought I had it in you. Especially when it came to Arnold Stewert."

"He's just another boy." Claire shrugged.

Dot looked as if she had found a new hero.

After that, it wasn't too long before Exit 77 took the stage. Claire watched only to see her competetion and to support Jude. They all clapped for Jude backstage as Exit 77 took the stage, and Jude looked over at them with a bit of a blush on his handsome face. Then he threw someone a kiss, but Claire couldn't decipher who was supposed to recieve it.

Exit 77 did it's normal set and while they were talented in their own way, Claire felt it in her gut that they weren't anywhere near indie Jane standards. She hoped she wasn't just kidding herself, but she saw the others felt the same way.

"We can do this." Ezra said as Exit 77 was near finishing their last song and the girls crowd screamed for Arnold. "They may have Arnold, but we have something they don't."

"Eyeliner?" Quinn suggested.

"Pink socks?" Dot asked.

"Indigestion?" Was Claire's guess.

"We have heart." Ezra said dryly.

"Oh." The girls said. Heart made much more sense.

As Exit 77 left the stage amidst cheers and yells for an encore, Indie Jane watched as their drum set and instruments were set up on the stage. The curtain was down as Claire picked up her guitar and tried to ready herself for her first live gig. She honestly felt like throwing up.

She looked over at Dot and tried to smile, but Dot looked just as nervous. Ezra wasn't much help either, he was physically shaking in his black boots. Claire finally looked over at Quinn. Cool, never ruffled Quinn gave her best friend a grin that told Claire it was going to be ok. She believed her too.

As the curtain raised, Claire closed her eyes and said a silent prayer. Then with a smile at Ezra, launched into their first song and never looked back.

onto part nineteen...

part 17 - indie jane.

2005-11-20T00:52:25Z

Claire had been embarrased to tell even Dot the horrid tale of the Valentines Dance disaster. She had, reluctantly, told her best friend all about it. Not leaving out one sorrid detail. Dot had been horrified and had promised not to tell another soul. Well, except Ezra - but they were going to tell him eventually anyway.

"Don't tell Quinn." Claire had urged Dot, as they sat in Claire's bedroom and shared a tub of chocolate mint ice cream. Dot had assured Claire ice cream helped heal broken hearts. Claire wasn't sure about that, but it was defintely comforting.

"Why not?" Dot had asked. "Quinn is one of us."

"Because." Claire sighed. "She'll know that she was right about Arnold.. and I'll feel even stupider."

"Quinn won't say she told you so." Dot objected. "She'd probably kill him actually. Maybe we shouldn't tell her.. she might go on a murderous rampage."

It had been useless to tell Dot to keep it a secret though, by second period Monday morning it was all over the school. Everyone seemed to know that even though Claire had been Arnold's date to the dance, he had ended up making out with his ex-girlfriend in the basement game room. On a beanbag, right in front of everyone. Apparently, she had been really drunk too... and did you know she already had a boyfriend?!

It was the kind of gossip the kids at Davidson High School loved to hear and spread around. Claire was startled to find just about everyone knew about it, and didn't mind coming up to her to ask if it was true. She couldn't lie, people had seen Arnold with Kate. So she said yes, that it was true. They all pretended to be sympathetic to Claire, but secretly thought that Arnold had made the right choice. Kate Arthur was the most attractive girl in school, after all.

No one had even known Claire's name before this incident.

"You're famous." Dot had laughed, as she found Claire in the hallway and swung an arm around her. "I'm afraid to say, I think everyone knows about Valentines Day."

Claire made a face. "Well, I guess that saves Arnold the trouble of explaining of how he's with Kate again."

"He isn't with Kate." Dot said. She always talked about how she hated gossip, yet always seemed to know and spread the latest news. "Apparently, she was drunk off her ass and Arnold is the one who initated everything."

"That makes me feel better." Claire said sarcastically.

"I'm just telling you what people are saying." Dot said, defending herself. "Don't you want to know?"

Claire wasn't sure.

Quinn got her chance to talk to Claire in choir. Quinn marched right over to her best friend and wrapped her arms around her in a hug. It was the best thing she could of done, and it made Claire's crummy day that much brighter.

"When we both arrive home from school, I'll kill him." Quinn told Claire, as they sat in their choir seats and watched Arnold enter the room. He looked like he hadn't showered and he looked maybe a bit hung over. He looked around and spotted Claire. He didn't come over though, he just stared for a moment and went to sit with his friends instead.

"I would kill him here," Quinn told Claire. "but there are too many witnesses."

Claire almost smiled.

She would of felt a lot better if Arnold called or explained himself in private. Instead, she had to settle on a crummy note stuffed into her locker. He basically told her he was sorry, that he hadn't been over Kate, and that he was trying to forget her. Kate wanted nothing to do with him, he told Claire. Please call me, he wrote, I know I don't deserve another chance but I do really like you.

Another chance? Fat chance, thought Claire.

Kate at least apologized to Claire's face. They both arrived early to geometry class and Kate had tears in her eyes as she tried to explain. She had too many drinks that night and she had ended up talking to Arnold. It had just happened, she told Claire.

Claire wasn't about to forgive her. "What about your boyfriend? Gary, isn't it?"

Kate's lip quivered. "I still love him, the whole thing with Arnold shouldn't of happened and won't again. I don't want to be with him.."

"It didn't seem like that last night." Was Claire's cool reply.

"Last night was a mistake." Kate said, her eyes bright with tears. "I feel so incredibly stupid about what happened and... I'm so sorry."

Claire's arms were folded over her chest and she wasn't about to feel sorry for the girl in front of her. "Well, I accept your apology."

Kate looked down at her sneakers. "I really do value your friendship Claire, I've gotten to know you this year and-"

Claire stopped her. "I really don't think we should study together or anything anymore though. I don't want to be friends with someone who would go behind my back and do something like that."

Kate seemed to understand. She could only shrug and look at Claire with those eyes that had driven the boys of Davidson High school crazy - including the boy of Claire's dreams.

"I'm sorry." Kate said again.

Claire shrugged and sat down in her seat, ready for class to begin.

"I'm done messing around in the popular kids world." Claire declared at band practice that night, as they all sat around and ate M&Ms instead of practicing like they should.

"Good for you." Dot said, then threw a green M&M up in the air and caught it in her mouth.

"Not all popular kids are horrible people." Ezra said fairly. "Well, none at Davidson, but I'm sure there are some good ones somewhere.."

"Somewhere over the rainbow." Dot said, who had gobbled down five large bags of M&Ms already.

"Enough for you." Quinn said, stealing the sixth bag of M&ms from Dot.

"Yeah.. Kate was an ok popular person." Claire said thoughtfully. "Before she told me to go out with Arnold, told him I liked him, and then proceeded to stick her tongue down his throat on our first date."

"She was drunk." Ezra shrugged.

"I would of liked to see someone like her drunk." Dot giggled. "She's so put together and immaculate.. I can't imagine her tripping over her feet or slurring her words."

"She made a mistake." Claire admitted. "I don't hate her, but I don't want to be friends with her either. At least not for a while."

"Arnold is the one who needs to be killed." Quinn said, sitting on top of the old piano and dangling her green and black socked feet over the side. "I hit him a few times with my heavy back pack when he came home, but my Dad caught me and made me stop before I could do any real damange."
She looked truly disapointed that she didn't beat him black and blue. "Ah well, I'll get him next time."

Claire showed them the note he gave her. "He even had the nerve to ask me to call him after what he did."

Dot hooted with laughter when she had read the note aloud in a phony british accent. "He really likes you - Ha! He just likes the idea of girls that like him."

"Exactly." Claire sighed. "I'm done with boys."

"Will you date girls instead?" Ezra incquired.

Claire smiled. "Nah, girls are just as bad."

"You can be single and lonely like me." Quinn grinned. "It's fun to be bitter."

Ezra looked shocked. "Hey, what about the nice guy upstairs named Jude. I think he still likes you Claire.."

Claire made a face. "As nice as Jude is, I want nothing to do with dating for at least a month. As Quinn said, I'll enjoy being bitter for a while."

"Besides." Dot said, sitting down beside her drum kit and eating the M&Ms she had managed to steal from Claire. "She has to hae time to get over that Arnoldo character."

"Yeah.." Claire sighed. "Even if he is a bastard, I was quite infatuated with him for a long time."

Ezra didn't look happy about this. "But Jude!"

"Jude hates me." Claire smirked. "He won't even talk to me now."

"He doesn't hate you." Quinn, Jude's comic book partner, assured Claire. "He's just a bit hurt."

"Does he talk to you about me?" Claire was surprised.

"Some." Quinn was vague, she wasn't going to betray her friend's confidences.

Claire sat down her M&Ms and brushed off her hands. "Well, this "no boys" rule will be good for something, I'm going to use the next few months to really concentrate on the band. There will be no dates or boys to distract me."

"Good for you." Dot said, picking up her drum sticks and twirling them madly. "And after what you told us what Arnold said about our band, we REALLY have to kick his ass in the talent show."

"After what he did to Claire, we have to KILL his band in the talent show." Corrected Quinn.

Claire smiled around at her friends, feeling very lucky indeed.

So, true to her word, Claire used the next few months to dedicate herself to Indie Jane. She busied herself by writing new songs, making band posters, and helping Ezra design t-shirts to give away at the talent show.

"People love free t-shirts." He had told her, as they stayed up at all hours of the night to press and decorate the plain white tees. "They don't care what's on them, as long as they get one."

Even though she had the band to occupy her, she did feel a bit lonely that sememester. Her friends were still passionate about the band, and the talent show but other artistic activities kept popping up. For everyone but Claire that is.

Dot was approached in March to model for a local clothing company and even though she thought modeling was demeening towards women, accepted and was the talk of the town. Her tall, thin frame was just the thing the store had been looking for. Dot felt like a celebrity and even though she was now locally well known, didn't forget her friends or band. Claire didn't see a lot of her famous friend outside of practice or school though, because she was always having a photo shoot or helping the store design new clothes.

Ezra was busy dvelling into his new art project. He called it "Orange on a Stick." It was true to it's title and he promised it would be the most amazing thing they had ever seen. Claire wasn't sure about that, but was happy her friend was back to doing the quirky art pieces he so loved to create.

Meanwhile, Jude and Quinn were obsorbed in their comic that had swept through the school, the town and was even attracting national attention. It now appeared in three schoool newspapers and the local town paper also carried it. They stole Ezra and Claire's t-shirt idea and created t-shirts with their main character plastered on the front.
They sold for twenty dollars each, and sold faster than they could make them.

So even though her friends weren't ignoring her and tried to fit everything into their busy schedules, Claire felt a bit left out. She just had the band, and a new geometry tutor. His name was Greg and he was so dull it made Claire's brain ache. Even though he was boring, at least he wouldn't make out with any of Claire's future crushes, she reasoned.

Well, hopefully.

She hardly talked to her old tutor now, unless Claire needed to borrow a pencil or Kate asked how Claire was. It was mainly polite smiles, and awkward small talk. Just the way it used to be. It made Claire feel slightly sad, since she had after all grown rather fond her brainaic friend. She couldn't make herself truly forgive Kate yet though. Maybe in time, she thought.

Mainly Claire just looked forward to the end of the year and summer vacation. She needed a break from this school. It stifled her and she felt more uncomfortable than ever walking it's halls. She hated the looks Arnold's friends gave her, and even more she hated the fact Arnold could no longer look her in the eye.

"I like it better when no one knew my name." Claire told Dot many times. "Now they all know who I am and that I liked Arnold. I prefer to be a no one."

"You were never a no one." Dot said firmly.

"To them, I was." Claire explained. "Now I'm just a joke to them."

"They'll forget all about it over the summer." Dot assured her.

Claire knew this was probably true, and looked forward towards the summer months even more so.

One thing that Claire didn't like about May was that it was prom season for Davidon High School. Ever since April, people were talking of nothing but who was going with who, who was wearing what. This would be the juniors first chance at prom, and everyone was extremely excited.

Everyone but Claire that is.

Well, that's not exactly true. She had Quinn to bitch to about prom and laugh about how seriously girls took it. Even Dot had stricken with prom fever, and talked constantly about of how the store she modeled for had designed her gown. Her gown, she would say. Never call her beautiful purple gown a dress, she warned. It was called a gown in Dot world.

"You have to go." Dot would plead with Claire. "Just ask someone!"

"I'm not going." Claire was steadfast. "I don't want to go to another dance as long as I live."

"You have to get back out there sometime." Dot pointed out. "And you could ask Jude. I'm sure he'd be happy to take you.."

Claire wouldn't admit it, but she had been tempted to ask Jude. She really didn't want to go, but the allure of prom kept whispering in her ear. She didn't dare ask Jude though, because he still barely talked to her. He seemed to be excellent at holding grudges.

"He's so cute." Dot tried to tempt Claire. "Think of him in tux... mreow."

Claire had to smile. "You just want me to go so you and Ez won't have to ride to prom alone."

"Guilty." Dot admitted with a laugh. "Plus, I'll get you a dress from the store and you'll look like a princess. Arnold will be kicking himself for choosing Kate instead of you."

But Claire just shook her head. "I'm not going Dot. So stop asking me."

There were much more important things coming up to worry about anyway, the band competion kept sneaking closer anad closer. Indie Jane practiced every night leading up to it and the more they played their three songs, the more Claire was sure they had what it took to win the whole thing.

"Ask him to prom." Dot whispered, on the eve of the talent show and the end of their last practice. They had walked up the basement stairs to find Jude sitting by himself in the living room, watching television.

"I don't want to go to prom." Claire had whispered back viciously.

"Yes you do, you just don't know it." Dot had pleaded, poking Claire in the stomach. "Just think of how you'll feel tomorrow.. you'll have won the big compettion and you'll be the prom date of one of the cutest guys in our class."

"I don't want to go." Claire said again. "Besides, Quinn and I think prom is a stupid tradition anyway."

Dot looked wicked. "Quinn is going."

"What?" Claire was shocked.

"I saw her buying a dress at the mall." Dot said with a smirk, as she and Claire whispered in the kitchen and peeked in on Jude.

Claire felt betrayed. "She didn't say anything to me!"

Dot shrugged. "Maybe she was embarrased to admit it to us.. anyway, I saw her buying a really gorgeous gray gown. She'll look amazing in it."

Claire thought this over, thinking of how she would be the only dateless friend. Staying at home sulking while her friends all had a blast at the prom, didn't sound like a lot of fun.

"Maybe I'll ask Jude.." Claire whispered back. "I'm scared though."

"Just get it over with." Dot said, giving Claire a little push in Jude's direction. "Like a bandaid, just rip it right off."

Claire stared at Dot as if she was mad. "Like a what?"

Jude heard them talking and sat up. "Claire? Dot? Why are you guys still here?"

"I was just leaving." Dot said apologeticall, bowing out of the room. "I'll see you outside Claire.."

Claire was left alone in the dark living room, and Jude was looking at her expectantly. She suddenly felt her stomach fill up with butterflies and wished she could sink into the floor.

"Hey." She started.

"Hey." He said back, watching her every move.

She finally got the courage to sit down next to him and watched tv for a moment. He was watching a biography on Howard Hughes.

"So.. what's up?" He finally asked, as they sat silent for at least three intermindely long minutes.

"I.." She started. "Well..."

He smiled as she stammered. "You sound like me now. You can talk to me, you know."

"I guess I'm just nervous because you barely talk to me anymore." She admitted. "I feel like you hate me. I can't say I blame you.."

He looked at his shoes. "No, I don't hate you.. I was angry with you for a while, but I think I'm about over it."

"Good." She said, relieved.

"How could I hate you?" He asked quietly. "You're one of my best friends after all."

She smiled back at him. "Same here."

He looked satisfied. "I'm glad you came to talk to me."

"Me too." She admitted. "Actually.. there was one other thing.."

His eyes opened in surprise. "Oh?"

"Yeah.." She blushed. "I know you probably don't want to, but the prom is coming up and everything. I wondered if.. maybe we could go together."

He stared at her for a moment, as if trying to think of what to say. He then sighed heavily and decided to look down at his shoes again. "Well.."

"It was just a thought." Claire said, blushing. "Since we didn't get to go to the Valentines day dance together after all."

He finally looked up at her, his eyes slightly sad. "Actually, I already have a date to prom."

Claire now REALLY wished she could sink into the floor and never return. "Oh. I didn't know.."

"Yeah." He looked just as embarrased. "If you would of asked me a few months ago I would of been thrilled to go with you but.."

Claire stood up, ready to leave. "I'm sorry, I better go."

He caught her by the hand. "Hey, don't just run out."

She felt a few tears in her eyes, just another embarrasment for Claire. They never seemed to stop coming. "I'm not, I just gotta go home.."

"No, you're upset." Jude sounded pretty upset himself.

"I'll be fine." She assured him, not daring to look at him.

"I don't want this to ruin our friendship." He fought desperately. "I-"

"It won't." She said quietly, as they stood in the living room. Her hand in his, her face turned towards the door. She gave his hand a squeeze. "I just need to leave."

"Ok." He said, finally letting go of her hand.

"Bye Jude." She said quietly, picking up her backpack and heading towards the door.

"Bye Claire." He said, watching her go.

onto part 18...

part sixteen - indie jane.

2005-11-19T21:15:08Z

Claire's date with Arnold seemed normal at first. She even thought it was going quite well. She congratulated herself for the lack of awkward pauses in their conversation on the way to the school, and the fact they seemed to like the same bands. The subject of music got them all the way to the gym, where the Valentines Day dance was being held.

Dot spotted them right away and studied them for a moment. Claire was shyly holding onto Arnold's arm as they paid their way in and walked into the glittery room. Arnold seemed to be doing most of the talking, Dot noticed, but they both looked like they were enjoying one anothers company. Dot was relieved to see that it seemed to be going well.

"Hey Claire." Dot smiled, walking over to the couple. "I love your dress - why haven't I ever seen it?"

"I just got it." Claire admitted, who blushed and didn't notice all the admiring looks around her.

"I told you it looked great." Arnold smiled. Claire's face turned bright red, as it had done earlier when he had complimented her when he had come to pick her up.

"It looks perfect on you." Dot assured her, wishing Claire wouldn't be so bashful and insecure when she recieved a compliment.

"Where is Ez?" Claire asked, mainly to get off the subject of her dress.

"He's getting some snacks." Dot rolled her eyes. "Half the food will be gone by the time he's done with it."

"Who is Ez?" Arnold incquired, looking as if he was starting to get bored.

"My boyfriend and one of Claire's best friends." Dot taunted. "If you're going to like our Claire, you better know who Ezra is."

"Oh yeah." Arnold seemed to vaguely remember one of the most important people in Claire's life. "That kid who always has paint all over his clothes.. is that him?"

"Yep." Dot said proudly. "He's an artist."

"Hmm." Arnold answered.

"Well.. I won't bore you two any longer." Dot said, feeling uneasy about the lack of interest Arnold had in Claire's friends. She wasn't sure he even remembered her name half the time.

"Ah, you weren't boring us." Arnold objected automatically, although he looked as if he wouldn't mind Dot getting lost.

"Yes I am." Dot said, reaching to give Claire's hand a squeeze. "I'm going to find Ez before he overdoses on cupcakes."

So Dot wandered off, leaving Claire and Arnold standing together by the doors. Occasionally people walked past, calling out to Arnold and looking surprised at who he was with. Finally, Arnold seemed to remember he was on a date and asked Claire if she wanted to find their table.

So the new pair found the table that had been assigned to them, along with Kate and her date Henry. Apparently he was a kid in Kate's advanced english class and because Kate couldn't bring her long-distance boyfriend Gary, she had asked Henry. Just as friends, she had told Claire.

"Do you mind us sitting with Kate?" Arnold asked suddenly, as soon as he had gotten punch and heart-shaped cupcakes for himself and Claire.

"No." Claire was surprised. "I like Kate."

Arnold smiled. "Doesn't everyone?"

Claire laughed. "I think so sometimes.. I didn't use to like her actually, but once I got to know her she's grown on me."

"Why didn't you like her?" Arnold was curious, as they sat snacking and watching the dancing crowd in front of them.

"A few reasons." Claire blushed. "One, she was your girlfriend."

Arnold threw his head back and laughed. "Oh! I see. So you wanted me all to yourself, right?"

Claire was sure her face was bright red again. "Maybe."

He touched her hand. "I think it's kinda sweet actually.."

"Don't you guys look comfortable?" Kate appeared before them on the arm of geeky Henry, who looked as if he was in heaven. So he should, Kate looked beautiful in a red dress and her hair falling down her shoulders in loose curls. She looked like a super model, to Claire's dismay.

"Ah, we were just talking." Arnold blushed.

"Why aren't you guys dancing?" Kate asked, stealing a bite from Claire's heart-shaped cupcake. "It's so boring to just sit around at dances."

"I can't really dance." Arnold admitted with a laugh.

"You're musical, try." Kate objected. "Don't let Claire down now, she came to the dance to dance. Right?"

She looked at Claire. "Right?"

Claire blushed. "If he doesn't want to.."

"We can try it." Arnold said, who didn't want to let his date down. "Do you want to Claire?"

"Why not." She grinned, standing up and putting her purse down on the table. She then took Arnold's hand and he led her out onto the dance floor.

True to his word, Arnold really couldn't dance. While Claire was pretty awkward on her feet herself, she could keep a beat and at least pretend she was a talented dancer. They had tears of laughter in their eyes by the end of the song, as they finally gave up trying to dance well and did a mad disco to an old Backstreet Boys song.

"You have serious skills, Stewert." She joked, when a slow song came on over the speakers.

"I know it." He sighed, still beaming.

"I would think you would be able to SORT of dance, being a lead singer and all." She laughed, feeling extremely nervous as Arnold's hands rested on her waist.

"I just play guitar and try to sing." He admitted. "I'm not too good at that either, I mainly know our songs. I just started playing guitar two years ago actually.."

"I'm getting better." Claire said thoughtfully. "But you have to practice and keep at it. My fingers aren't too happy about it.."

"You play?" He asked, looking surprised.

She had told him before, but she tried not to mind. "Yeah.. remember, we ran into each other when I was coming out of the music store that one time. We had frozen yogurt.."

"Oh yeah." Arnold looked slightly embarrased. "I'd forgotten.. you and Dot were buying strings. So, do you guys play together or something?"

Claire shrugged. "A few of us do.. we have kind of a band."

Arnold's eyes opened wide. "</i>You</i> have a band?"

The way he asked the question irked Claire. As if he couldn't believe someone like her could play in a band.

"Uh yeah.." She blushed. "Dot, Ez, Quinn and me.. we're all in it."

Now Arnold laughed. "QUINN is in this 'band?'"

"Yes." Claire felt a tug of impatience. "She's a really talented keyboardist. Didn't you know she was into music?"

"No." Admitted Arnold. "Then again, we don't talk that much so.. So, who sings in this band?"

"All of us, but mainly me." Claire said, feeling like defending her band. "I have to say, we're pretty good."

Arnold was smirking now. "I'm sure you are."

She swallowed her rage. "Oh, you don't believe me?"

"I've just never heard of you." He admitted, as the song played on. Claire wished it would end. "What are you guys called again?"

"Indie Jane." Claire answered. "And you haven't heard of us, because we haven't played shows yet. We're gearing up for that."

He looked like he was about to laugh and she felt the urge to slap the grin off his face. "So, you're going to play the talent show or something?"

"Maybe." She lied. They would.

"I can't wait to see." He said, leaning in to give her a kiss on the cheek. "Don't worry, I'll cheer you on."

It could of sounded positive, that he would cheer her on but it sounded more like pity to Claire. His tone suggested he would have to cheer them on, because no one else would.

"That's nice of you." She said quietly, feeling like the night was ruined.

The song finally ended and Arnold wanted to dance to a few more songs, but Claire wanted to sit down and asked Arnold if he could get her a sprite from the machine by the gym doors. She was thankful for when he was gone and sat down at her table alone.

"Date going well?" Ezra asked, as he strode past on his way to join Dot on th dance floor. His girlfriend was already out there and doing some wild moves to a Beatles tune.

"No." Claire said.

"What'd he do?" Ezra questioned, as he stopped to pick glitter out of Claire's hair. It had fallen off of the sparkling heart decorations overhead.

"Nothing." Claire sighed, not wanting to complain. "I'm just being grumpy and over-sensitive, I suppose."

"Well, if he pisses you off too much - you can hang with Dot and me the rest of the night." He grinned, putting the glitter he had picked off Claire into his own hair. "Oooh, here he comes.."

Ezra scurried away as Arnold returned with Claire's Sprite - already half-finished by Arnold himself - and another plate of cupcakes. He sat down, looking flushed.

"Sorry I was gone so long." He said, sounding breathless. "Megan and her friends caught me on my way to the pop machine and made me dance with them for a few minutes."

Claire tried to smile. "Oh, it's fine.. I didn't even notice."

He put his hand on her leg as they sat there chatting quietly and watching everyone else have fun around them. Kate came back for a few minutes, but just to grab her purse and tell them that they were heading to the party Ashley Pauls was throwing at her parents house.

Arnold looked at Claire once Kate was gone. "Hey, do you want to go to Ashley's party too?"

She could tell he wanted to. "Ashley Pauls.. uh.. I don't know."

She didn't want to tell him that Ashley Pauls, one of the most popular senior girls, had made Claire's life a living hell the previous year. Ashley had constantly thrown spitwads and pieces of gum into Claire's hair in history class. Claire had finally told the teacher and Ashley had ended up with a weeks worth of detention. Claire had ended up getting slightly beaten up in the halls the next day by Ashley and a few of her best friends.

"Ash is great, she always throws awesome parties." Arnold looked thrilled at this idea. "You'll have an amazing time."

How could Claire refuse?

So Claire said goodbye to Dot and Ezra, who noticed that Claire looked as if she was being led into the gas chamber. Even worse, she was being led to a party where Claire knew she wouldn't be welcome.

All the way to the bash, Arnold regailed Claire with tales of past Ashley parties. The time they had all dived off the balcony into the pool and the time Arnold had won in strip poker against the whole volleyball team. The more and more he talked, the more Claire saw she had nothing incommon with the boy beside her.

The party was well under way when they arrived, and they walked into the house that was near exploding with people. Unlike the dance, they had kegs and what looked like a table full of assorted drinks. Arnold grabbed a glass of something Claire couldn't distinguish and handed Claire a glass of the same thing. She didn't dare drink it, her mother had a nose like a bloodhound and would probably scalp Claire if she smelled it on her daughter's breath.

Arnold led Claire up the busy stairs and past roaring rooms of kids. Some kids were watching tv together, some were doing shots, some were dancing, some were playing pool, and some were just shamelessly making out in front of everyone. Arnold settled on a not so full room, with a group of his friends settled on a bed and from what Claire could make out, they were playing truth or dare.

Claire, who politely declined to participate, sat back to watch all the action. If she hadn't been so nervous, she would of been fascinated to see how the popular kids did things. They were so confident and obnoxious. It boggled Claire's mind that people could be so outgoing and evil. They dared each other to do the most embarrasing and humilating things. Claire felt very much like a prude when she realized how uncomfortable their behavior made her.

She sat next to Arnold and he laughed at everything the wild bunch said. The girls made the rudest, most inconciderate remarks about anyone they could think of. If one girl went to the bathroom, then her friends immediately started bashing her until she returned. Arnold just chuckled along, as if it was the most amusing thing in the world.

"Are you ok?" He would occasionally ask Claire, remembering she was alive.

She would smile, as he put his hand on her thigh as if to assure her he was still with her. "I'm fine."

She wasn't though, she didn't like the dirty looks the other kids gave her and the snickers from the girls that she knew were meant for her. She didn't like watching as everyone got drunk and one girl puked over one side of the bed. They all laughed and moved to another room. The maid would clean it up, Ashley assured them.

"Nice to see you." Ashley had said to Claire, when she first noticed Claire's presence. Ashley's smile had been big, but her eyes were cold. Apparently she hadn't yet forgiven Claire.

When Arnold brought up the idea for strip poker, was when Claire excused herself and went to find a bathroom. One, she wasn't going to strip in front of all these people. Two, she had never learned how to play poker. So she scurried out of the room and went to the nearest bathroom to collect herself. Luckily, most everyone was downstairs so this one was empty.

She stared around at the fancy bathroom that was about the size of the biggest bedroom in Claire's house. She sat down on the sofa that sat by the door and breathed in deeply. She had been starting to gag on all the ciggerete smoke, a friend of Ashley's named Kelsey seemed to like to blow the smoke right in Claire's direction.

She felt very stupid, as she thought over the night and realized how wrong she had been about Arnold. He was a nice guy and he could be a good friend if he tried, but his world was just so different from Claire's. She was starting to think she wanted no part in his world after all.

After she had splashed her face with water and tried to calm down, she decided to stop being so uptight and maybe enjoy herself. She could ask Arnold to play pool with her or something. She should at least try to have a good night, right? Who was she to judge these people? They were just trying to have fun, she reasoned.

As soon as she had convinced herself of this, she went to find Arnold. He was no longer involved in the strip poker game, she was happy to see. She saw Ashley smoking on the balcony alone, watching the kids dancing on the deck below.

"Hey.. have you seen Arnold?" Claire asked timidly, standing in the door way.

Ashley looked back, surprised. "Yeah, he went down to the game room.. it's in the basement."

"Thanks." Said Claire, bravely trying to give the girl a smile.

Ashley smiled back, suddenly not seeming evil. "No problem."

So, Claire felt a bit better about the night, and wandered down the stairs. She was surprised to find she didn't know half of the people at the party, and almost got hit in the head by a frisbee flying across the kitchen. It seemed a couple of freshmans had started a tournament and had already broken a few plates.

The basement was lit by a disco ball and rainbow bulbs, Claire had never seen anything like it. It had all of the arcade games Claire had loved as a kid and even a mini-golf course. She was busy marveling over the giant television and dance floor, when she spotted Arnold.

He was in a beanbag chair and sitting on his lap, with his arms around her, was Kate Arthur. They didn't see Claire as she stared at them in horror.... they were already quite busy.

Claire felt like the wind had been knocked out of her, as she watched them kiss, oblivious to the world around them. She felt a rush of anger and tears came to her eyes. She couldn't think of anything to do but leave the basement as quickly as possible.

She found a phone in the den and called Dot to come pick her up. She couldn't walk home from Ashley's, it was too far. She also couldn't walk home because of all the tears in her eyes.

"Did something happen?" Dot questioned over the line, sounding concerned. "Where is Arnold?"

"Just come get me." Claire pleaded, as she sat on the strange den couch and tried to ignore the people around her. They were starting to stare at the crying girl.

So she went outside into the dark night, and walked down the long driveway, then sat down on the grass and waited.

Dot, driving her mother's car, arrived twenty minutes later. She didn't ask questions as Claire wipped the tears from her eyes and got into the passengers seat. Claire curled up by the window, looking as if she wanted to disapear.

They drove quietly at first, it was unlike Dot to stay silent but she wasn't sure Claire was ready to talk about whatever had happened. Claire, who sat with her eyes closed, was greatful for the lack of questions.

Dot finally pulled the car into Claire's driveway. "Do you want me to walk you in?"

"No." Claire said quietly, gathering her purse and wrap. "I'll be fine."

"Claire.." Dot said, as Claire opened the door to leave.

"Yes?" Claire looked back.

"I'm sorry tonight wasn't what you expected it to be." Dot said finally, not sure what was the right thing to say since she didn't know what had exactly, though she had a good idea.

"I'm glad it didn't." Claire said slowly, her eyes full of anger and hurt. "It woke me up from that stupid fairy tale world I was living in.. I can't believe I actually thought he was the perfect boy. I was so stupid."

"No." Dot said. "He's the stupid one."

"You don't even know what he did." Claire fought, feeling and sounding tired.

"Whatever he did to mess up his chance with someone like you, had to be stupid." Dot said loyally. "And you'll tell me when you're ready."

"Maybe tomorrow." Claire promised, stepping out of the car and feeling shaky. "Right now, I just want to go to sleep and forget tonight for a while."

"I'm sorry." Dot said softly.

"Me too." Claire sighed, then she closed the door and walked inside the house where she had earlier waited so excitedly for this night.

onto part seventeen...

part 15 - indie jane.

2005-11-16T21:13:29Z

Claire was too stunned to speak for a moment, she hadn't seen that look of anger on Quinn's face for quite some time now. She leaned against Dot for support, suddenly feeling faint.

"Lie to you?" Claire finally asked. "What are you talking about Quinn?"

"I'm talking about Arnold." Quinn pronounced his name like it was some horrible disease. "And the fact that you liked him and never even told me."

Claire sighed, she thought that what it was about. "I didn't technically lie to you.."

"If you liked him, you should of told me." Quinn said softly, her voice calm though her eyes angry. "We're supposed to be best friends, best friends are supposed to tell each other these things."

"I'm sorry." Claire said, sliding off the kitchen island and trying to approach her friend. She backed away. "Quinn, I knew it would just upset you if you knew.. you hate him so much."

"How long have you liked him?" Quinn questioned, feeling truly betrayed.

"A long time." Claire almost smiled. "Since the second grade actually."

Quinn's face softened. "So a long time before you even knew me.."

"Yeah." Claire shrugged. "And Kate Arthur knew and told him.. so that's how he found out. I didn't just tell him."

"Oh." Quinn looked a little less angry. "So you guys had a nice chat at my house though.. about going to the dance?"

Claire nodded. "He did ask me."

"And?" Quinn questioned.

"And kissed me." Claire admitted.

Quinn's anger was renewed. "Did all this happen when I was asleep or what? Did you sneak out to make out my brother or something?"

"I.." Claire was at a loss for words. "I'm sorry.. I told him I couldn't go out with him though."

"So I heard." Quinn folded her arms across her chest. "He's quite angry about it too. He thinks it's all my fault.. that I told you not to go out with him."

"I told him you didn't." Claire tried to assure her. "I knew it would hurt you, so I told him that I couldn't go with him to the dance. Because you mean more to me."

Quinn seemed to relax a little. "So.. you aren't going with him?"

Claire shook her head. "No."

"But you still really like him." Quinn observed.

Claire looked guilty. "Kind of."

"She likes him." Dot informed Quinn. "She always has."

Quinn looked like it was too much to take in. "But... why?"

Claire almost smiled again. "I just.. do."

Quinn sighed and took a seat next to Claire. Claire started to relax, it seemed as if Quinn wasn't going to lose her temper like she did that one day in front of the choir room. She was very thankful for that, and very thankful that Quinn didn't seem to hate her.

"Then go with him." Quinn said eventually, as they sat next to one another on the kitchen stools.

"What?" Claire was sure she had misheard her friend.

"Go with him and see if you still like him then." Quinn said, staring directly at Claire. "If you like him so much, and he apparently likes you.. who am I to stand in the way of that?"

"I don't want to.." Claire argued.

"I won't be mad." Quinn said, looking very tired suddenly. "Go with him to the dance if you want to so badly."

"I..." Claire struggled to find her words.

"Say 'thank you Quinn' and go ask him." Quinn smirked. "I'm sure he's around here somewhere, trying to find me and make sure I don't do anything stupid. He probably thinks I came to beat you up or something.."

"So did I, for a moment." Claire admitted with a shaky laugh.

Quinn shook her head. "Don't you know me better than that? We're best friends.. I just want you to be happy."

"Thanks." Claire said and hugged Quinn. "You're the best."

"Now go ask him before I change my mind." Quinn said, giving Claire a swat. "I'll stay here and keep these two idiots away from the beer."

"Hey!" Ezra said, who had been watching all that action with interest. "We aren't idiots.."

Quinn looked mighty skeptical.

"I'm going." Claire laughed, getting up and looking around the busy kitchen. "So, where do you think he is.."

"Look for a crowd of popular kids and I'm sure you'll fine him in the middle." Dot said, making a face.

So Claire went around the house looking for him, the party was underway now and it seemed as if the whole eleventh grade had shown up as planned. It was packed with people and the music was almost deafening. She looked upstairs and only found random couples stashed away in bedrooms. She looked downstairs, but could hardly manuever her way through the dancing crowds.

She finally made her way to the basement, but there was only one other person there. It wasn't Arnold, but Jude. He was sitting alone on top of the dryer and looking as if he didn't have a friend in the world.

"Hey." She said, as he looked up as the door closed behind her. "What are you doing all the way down here? The party is in full swing up there.."

"Eh." He shrugged. "I'm just waiting till the band starts setting up.. we'll be on in an hour or so."

"Oh." She said, walking down the steps into the basement below. "Are you ok Jude? You seem a little weird tonight.."

"I'm always weird." He informed her with a bit of a smile.

"Ok, weirder than usual." She grinned.

"I'm ok." He shrugged. "I'm just thinking."

"About what?" She incquired, hopping up onto the washing machine and sitting down beside him.

He looked over at her, as if he couldn't believe she was there. "You really want to know?"

"Of course." She laughed. "We're friends right.. if something is bothering you, you can tell me."

He shifted slightly, looking as if he was considering telling her or not. "Well, I was thinking of asking someone to the Valentines Day dance, but I don't think I have the guts.."

She was more curious than ever. "Oh.. well.. why don't you just ask her?"

"Because." He shrugged, as if that explained it all.

"Because?" She mocked. "That really explains a lot. Do I know her?"

He smiled. "I think so..."

She was more curious than ever. "Well, who is she?"

Before she knew what was happening, he leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips. She stared at him, stunned that quiet, awkward Jude had just kissed her.

"I was thinking of asking you." He admitted, happy that she hadn't pushed him away.

She looked down at her hands, not sure how she felt about that. "Oh?"

"Yeah." He had to smile, although he looked nervous.

"Well.." She started awkardly. "I don't know about the dance.."

"Are you going with someone else?" He asked, looking hurt.

"Maybe." She had to admit.

"Arnold?" He guessed, sounding bitter.

"He did ask me." She admitted. "But I said no, because of Quinn.. but Quinn said it would be ok to go with him.. so I was kind of looking for him to talk about maybe going... but-"

He shook his head. "God, I'm so stupid.. here I was thinking you came down here to talk to me. You were just looking for Arnold.. just like always."

She was shocked by the anger and hurt in his voice. He stared at her as he had never done. "What does he have that I don't anyway?"

She was too stunned to truly think about the question. "Jude.."

"No, don't worry." He said, sliding off the dryer. "You've made it quite clear you could never be interested in someone as boring as myself."

"It isn't like that..." She tried.

"Sadly, it is." He said softly, refusing to look at her. "So sorry about bugging you."

He was already halfway up the stairs and he didn't look back at her as he slammed out of the basement, leaving her all alone in the dark.

Claire found Arnold later that night and told him about what Quinn had said. While she felt guilty about her fight with Jude, she had decided she wasn't going to let it get in the way of things with Arnold. She had made it clear to Jude many months before that she was interested in Arnold, she had never gave Jude any reason to think otherwise. Right?

So after she had confirmed her date with a thrilled Arnold, she went to find her friends and go home. Ezra was rather cool to her when she found them, and refused to speak to her the rest of the night.

"I'm just mad at you tonight." He informed her. "I'll be over it in a day or two."

Dot tried to apologize for her boyfriend, but went with him to go see Jude after Exit 77's set. Leaving Claire standing alone in the hall, dodging random party goers that were all struggling to get upstairs to see the band.

"Fun night?" Quinn asked, when Claire had come outside and discovered her friend sitting on the porch, smoking quietly.

"A blast." Claire said sarcastically.

"Did you make your little date?" Quinn mocked, standing up and joining arms with her friend.

"Yes, I did." Claire blushed. "You seem a lot happier."

"I thought a lot about it and I realized how entertaining it would be if you ended up being Arnold's girlfriend." Quinn said thoughtfully. "Think of how much mocking I can do.."

"I'm glad it suits you." Claire smirked.

"I'm not exactly happy about it, but I can live with it." Quinn said, giving Claire's arm a squeeze. "Besides, I know how it is to have a crush on someone."

"Oh?" Claire was interested.

"Yeah." Quinn grinned, not giving anything away.

"Who do you like?" Claire wanted to be nosy.

"I can't tell you." Quinn said, pretending to zip her lips.

"Ah well." Claire shrugged. "I've had about enough crush talk for the night.. Jude told me he liked me."

Quinn looked truly shocked. "Our shy Jude finally confessed?"

Claire nodded. "He.. well.. asked me to the dance and was really pissed off when I told him about Arnold. He isn't talking to me now."

Quinn was sympathetic. "Aw, poor guy."

"He kissed me." Claire confided.

Quinn's eyes widened. "He actually made a move? Wow.. I never thought I'd see the day."

Claire blushed. "Yeah.. it was so out of the blue."

"So you don't like him?" Quinn asked, looking extremely curious.

Claire shook her head sadly. "No.. I feel like a crappy friend lately."

"You're just human." Quinn said, giving her friend an approving pat on the head. "He'll forgive you in time, you know Jude."

"And do you forgive me?" Claire wondered.

"Of course." Quinn smiled. "After all, you forgave me for how I acted when I first came here.. It's the least I can do."

Then, as an afterthought, added." Also.. the fact is.. I'm much too lazy to hold a grudge at the moment."

"I just ask of you one thing." Quinn said suddenly, after they both had went silent.

"What?" Claire asked, as they walked down the dark streets together.

"Don't tell me any details about your date." Quinn shuddered.

"Deal." Claire laughed.

"Then we are competetly cool." Quinn said with a decided nod.

"You're the best." Claire informed Quinn.

"I know." Quinn said modestly.

It was easy for Jude to ignore Claire at school, since there were so many people to hide behind and hallways to duck into. At his own home though, that was another story. A few days after the party, he ran into her as she was heading towards the basement door.

"Hey." Claire said, her face bright red as she almost ran head into him in the dark kitchen.

He didn't say anything back, as he headed towards the fridge to get an apple. She stood there watching him, not sure what to say but knowing she should at least try to talk to him.

"I'm sorry." She finally said.

He looked at her and shrugged. Then he walked back into the living room and up the stairs towards his room. She heard a door slam. She winched; ouch.

"There you are." The basement door opened and Ezra had popped his head out. "We were waiting for you, Claire-Bear."

"I tried the basement door and it was locked." She shrugged, heading down the basement steps behind Ezra. "So I came in the front door and ran into Jude..."

Ezra's eyebrows went up. "You ran into Jude, eh? What did he say?"

"Nothing." She smirked. "As usual. He's ignoring me."

"That is how Jude deals with pain." Ezra said wisely, as Claire greeted Quinn and Dot. "Don't worry, he'll forgive you in time."

Claire shrugged. "I hope so, I'd hate to lose his friendship."

"He'd hate to lose yours too." Dot assured Claire. "He's just really hurt right now.. he'll get over it though. People do all the time."

"And some people dwell on heartbreak for years and never get over it." Quinn said comfortingly.

Dot shot Quinn a dirty look. "Well, Jude won't."

Claire smirked. "He'll find someone much better than me in no time, I can tell you that. Girls are always checking him out at school and at the Exit 77 shows."

Ezra, who didn't get checked out all that often and felt slightly put out, clapped his hand together. "Can we please stop all this girl talk and perhaps practice?"

"It isn't girl talk." Dot objected. "We weren't talking about bras or anything."

"We could." Ezra said, his eyes brightening. "I change my mind, I'd rather have girl talk than band practice."

"We'll practice." Quinn said dryly, while warming up her hands.

Ezra looked very disapointed.

"We can have girl talk later." Dot promised him, leaning to pat his hand.

"Are you sure he's not a woman?" Quinn asked after practice, as she walked home with Claire. "I sometimes wonder.."

"He's just in touch with his feminime side." Claire said, shrugging. "I think that's why we all like him so much."

"Eh." Quinn shrugged. "He's alright."

"You do like them better than before though?" Claire wondered.

"They're growing on me." Quinn admitted, a bit of a smie on her face told Claire Quinn liked her new friends more than she would ever admit.

"Good luck on your date tomorrow." Quinn smirked, as she dropped Claire off in front of her house. "Call me if he does anything stupid and I'll kick his ass for you."

Claire smiled. "Quinn..."

Quinn held her hands up in defense. "I'm just saying... if he needs a good beating, I'm your girl."

Claire gave her friend a hug. "Ok, I'll tell you if he does anything mean or whatever. I don't think he will though."

Quinn just put her hands in her coat pockets and said goodbye to her friend. Acting as if she had been kidding about Arnold doing something stupid, when really she was worried about what would happen on Saturday night. She knew Arnold's friends a lot better than Claire did, after all.

"We'll see." Quinn said darkly to herself as she walked home alone.

Emily teased and taunted her big sister about her upcoming date with Arnold all Saturday morning. She was secretly jealous that her extremely unpopular sister had a date for the dancea nd she didn't. She, queen of the 7th grade, had no one to take her to the jr. high dance. So instead she was going with her girlfriends.

"What happened to your boyfriend Dylan?" Claire asked, as Emily sat in Claire's room and made fun of the dress Claire would be wearing.

"He's going out with Sheila, an 8th grader." Emily made a face. "All the guys in our class are 8th grader crazy this year."

Claire felt her pain, she had once been a very lonely 7th grade at one time after all. "When I was in the 7th grade, all the boys in our class were so interested in a wrestling match on tv Valetines Day, only girls showed up at the dance."

Emily made a face. "Even Arnold?"

"Even Arnold." Claire informed her little sister.
"Boys get better as they get older.. well, some of them. Well.. a few of them, actually."

Emily rolled her eyes. "How would you know? You've only had one boyfriend ever."

"Yes, but I've liked Arnold for ages." Claire reminded Emily.

"Yeah, you say so all the time in your diary." Emily said.

"Journal." Claire corrected.

"Journal, diary.. whatever." Emily wasn't concerned with the specifics. "If David Patowski moved back, do you think you'd like him more than Arnold?"

Claire shrugged, as she tried to apply her makeup and talk to Emily at the same time. "I don't know, David has probably changed a lot. So who knows what he's like now."

"Maybe he's gotten better as he's gotten older." Emily wondered. "Maybe he's actually cute now."

"He was cute back when." Claire smiled, shaking her head at her little sister's shallowness.

Emily made a face. "In that geeky way you like.. but Arnold.. he's hot."

Claire had to agree. "Yes, yes he is."

"Lucky." Emily rolled her eyes, looking extremely displeased that her sister was going out with the good looking boy with the brown curls and great eyes who was idolized by the entire 7th grade class.

"Looks aren't everything." Claire wisely told her little sibling.

"Good thing for you." Emily answered.

"Get out of my room." Claire sighed, giving Emily a push out of her bedroom and into the hall.

"I was kidding!" Emily objected, but Claire had already slammed the door in her face. "Geez, she's so moody.. Hmm, she's probably pregnant or something."

"I heard that!" Claire yelled, making Emily scurry quickly to her room. Her hands over her eyebrows - just in case.

Dot called before Arnold came to pick Claire up. "So, are you nervous?"

Claire thought about it. "Honestly, I don't know. I just kind of feel like I'm dreaming this whole thing up."

"Well, wake up!" Dot laughed.

"I'm trying." Claire said, slipping her feet into her black flats with the pink bows on the toes.

"Real dates are so romantic, don't you think?" Dot said suddenly, sounding dreamy herself. "Getting picked up, recieving flowers.. Ezra is coming to get me in a few minutes. He better have tulips too."

"But you're allergic to tulips." Claire objected.

"So?" Dot asked. "They're pretty!"

Claire smiled to herself. "You're a weird one, Dot."

"So, I guess I'll see you there." Dot said, wishing she could be with Claire for the big moment when Arnold finally showed up.

"Yes." Claire said, they had already discussed this at least twenty times. They would meet by the doors.

"And you'll tell me everything that happens later?" Dot questioned.

"Everything." Claire confirmed. "Although, I doubt there will be much to tell. Mom says I'm to be home at midnight."

"Well, have fun Cindrella." Snickered Dot.

"I will." Claire said, giving herself one last look in the mirror. Her plain but elegant black dress with the pink ribbon looked immaculate, she was pleased to see.

"And I'll be fine, so don't worry about me either, Mother dear." She added.

"I wasn't worrying!" Dot objected.

"Yes you were." Claire chuckled.

Dot sighed. "I can't help it, I'm so nervous for you."

"Don't talk about nerves or I'll start getting scared." Claire giggled into the phone. "Anyway, I'll see you there."

"Bye, sweet."

"Bye, Dottie."

"Honey, Arnold is here!" Claire's mother yelled up the stairs, just as Claire had turned off the phone and had reached for the black purse that completed her ensemble.

Claire smiled at her reflection. Show time.

onto part sixteen..."

part 14 - indie jane.

2005-11-16T19:49:35Z

Dot and Ezra weren't much comfort when Claire told them what had happened the previous night. Dot was full of advice for her friend, telling her to get it over with and tell Quinn what had happened. Ezra took a different view of the situation, telling Claire to forget Arnold because Quinn would never go for it. Her best friend dating the step brother she hated? No way.

So Claire was feeling very confused after band practice, as she sat in Ezra's attic bedroom with her two best friends who were now arm wrestling - Dot winning most of the matches.

"Well, since you guys are so busy, I'm going to go." Claire said, getting up and feeling a little annoyed that her friends weren't interested in her plight.

"Hey, don't go." Dot said, once again beating Ezra and slamming his arm down on the bedside table they were using for their matches. "You can arm wrestle the winner."

Claire raised her eyebrows. "You've already won at least twenty times."

"It's best out of a hundred." Ezra informed Claire, cracking his knuckles and trying to pump himself up for the next battle.

"No thanks." Claire said dryly. "I'm just going to go home."

"You should drop by Quinn's and tell her." Dot informed Claire as she pulled on her coat to leave. "Best get it done and over with, right?"

Ezra shook his head. "Don't tell her and forget Arny, that's what I think."

Dot rolled her eyes and smacked him upside the head. "You just want her to go out with Jude instead."

Ezra tried to smack her back, but she dodged him just in time. "Well, he is the obvious better choice.. I saw Arnold in school today with his arm around that Megan girl again. Does she really want to go out with a guy like that?"

"It isn't like he and Claire are a couple, so him being with Megan isn't a big deal." Dot said, exasperated. "Besides, they're friends. I heard her say so in World Geography."

Ezra threw a paint brush he found on the floor at her. "She isn't just 'friends' with any guy.. if you know what I mean."

Dot was shocked. "Don't talk about girls like that! What gives you the right to be so demeening?"

"I wasn't." He said, dodging her fist as it came towards him again. "I'm just saying that it's a well-known fact that Megan and Arnold are defintely more than friends.."

"Rumors are rumors." Dot spat. "You can't believe everything you hear, you simpleton."

He narrowed his eyes. "I saw them with my own two eyes, they are so more than 'just friends' Dot. I'm just trying to save Claire from getting hurt."

"She likes Arnold, and apparently he likes her - so why not go for it." Dot shouted.

Claire sighed, the battle between them was starting to get loud and out of control. "Shut up, both of you. You guys don't need to fight about it."

"Sorry." Dot said, giving Ezra a dirty look. "You really should tell Quinn though.. either way. A true friend would."

"If she wants to keep that friend - and bandmate, might I add - she won't." Ezra said stubournly.

"You don't care about Claire and Quinn's friendship." Dot accused. "You just care about keeping Quinn in the band, don't you?"

He shrugged. "I don't want her to quit, that's for sure. She's made us sound like a whole new band. She's neccesary for the contest."

"You suck." Dot informed Ezra.

He stuck his tongue out at her.

Claire had had about enough and left those two to squabble, she walked downstairs and as she was about to walk out the front door, Jude popped up beside her as if out of nowhere.

"Jude!" She gasped. "You scared me."

"Sorry." He blushed, awkwardly running a hand through his dark hair. "I just wanted to ask you something before you left.."

She suddenly feared he was going to ask her to the Valentines Day dance. "Uh... what?"

"Are you coming to Elijah's party?" He suddenly asked, and she knew very well he had meant to ask her something else entirely. He had chickened out, she could tell by the defeated look on his face.

"Um yeah..." She said, everyone in the 11th grade had been invited to Elijah's (Exit 77 band member) party. It was to celebrate Exit 77's second year together.

"Cool." He said quietly, putting his hands in his pockets and looking very much like he wouldn't mind disapearing. "We'll be playing a few songs.. and stuff. I know how much you like Exit 77."

How much she liked Arnold, he meant.

"Yeah." She said awkwardly, her hand on the door knob. She was ready to leave.

"Well, see you later." He said, already backing away from her.

"See you later." She said softly and then opened the door to leave. She glanced back at him before she left, and he was shaking his head as if he couldn't believe how the much anticipated conversation had went. She didn't know that though, she didn't know he had been planning to ask her to the dance. How much he had worried about it and planned. She didn't know anything.

"Oh c'mon, come to the party." Claire begged Quinn, as they sat together in the cafeteria and shared a plate full of frenchfries. "It'll be fun.. we can eat lots of junk food and make fun of the band."

"I don't do parties." Quinn informed Claire, wagging a soggy frenchfrie at her friend. "Especially ones involving my stepbrother and his craptastic band."

"Ah, you probably won't even see him there." Claire laughed. "Everyone in our grade will be there, it'll be a fun night.. c'mon!"

"Nope." Quinn said sternly. "No high school parties for me, thank you very much."

"I guess LA parties were so much cooler." Mocked Claire. "You just have no time for juvenile parties like the ones in Davidson, right?"

"Right." Quinn smirked. "I'm so used to going to Hollywood parties, that these just don't appeal to me. I'm so sure."

"Dot and Ez will be coming." Claire urged.

"That's supposed to tempt me?" Quinn snorted. "Those two weirdos are going? Even more reason not to go.. I would hate to see how those two would act with a little alchol in their blood."

Claire snickered. "Let's hope we never find out.. I'll keep them away from any and all alcholic beverages."

"Good for you." Quinn munched. "I'm not going though."

Claire sighed and rolled her eyes. "Fiiine, I see I'm fighting a losing battle here."

"Yep." Quinn said, pleased that Claire was finally catching on. "There is no use fighting with me."

Arnold came by them and sat down for a moment in the chair in front of Claire. Quinn drew back in horror, and looked around frantically. No one in public must see her with her popular, snob of a step brother.

"I'll only be a minute." He snorted, seeing the look of horror on Quinn's face. "I wanted to ask Claire if she's going to the party.."

"Yeah." Quinn answered for Claire. "She's going. I'm not."

"Thank God." He said, giving Quinn a smirk. "Vampires aren't allowed anyway."

She rolled her eyes and went back to eating her frienchfries.

Claire tried to smile. "Um.. yeah.. I'll be there."

"Cool." He said, nodding happily.

"Now that we have that suspensful question answered, can you please leave us be?" Quinn asked, as Arnold showed every sign of staying to chat with Claire a while longer. Quinn would have none of that.

"Fine." He sighed, standing up and heaving his backpack over his shoulder. "I have english work to get done anyway.."

He gave Claire a wink and walked away.

As soon as he was gone, Quinn turned to Claire. "Did he just wink at you?"

Claire's stomach filled with butterflies. "Uh.. I didn't notice."

Quinn snorted with laughter. "He so did! What a loser. Do you think he likes you or something?"

Claire's face burned. "I don't know.. I-"

"I'd hope not." Quinn shook her head, while laughing. As if the idea of Claire and Arnold was the most amusing thing in the entire world. "Ew, can you imagine? You dating my stepbrother? Just the thought.."

She continued laughing, while Claire slumped in her chair and realized her going out with Arnold was obviously out of the question if she wanted to keep Quinn as a friend. Which she very much did. She'd have to tell Arnold no.

Claire found Arnold the next day after school, walking out of the gym having just finished what looked like a tiring basketball practice. He smiled when he noticed her waiting by the doors and jogged over to her.

"Hey Claire." He grinned. "Do you need a ride home? I have the car today.."

"Um, no." She said, leaning against the brick wall.

"Oh c'mon." He laughed, wiping sweat off his face with his t-shirt. She tried not to stare. "Just let me take a shower and I can drive you home.."

"Actually, I just need to talk to you for a moment." She said quietly. "Um, you know how you asked me to the dance.."

"Do you have an answer for me finally?" He laughed. "I've been waiting a few days now, I was getting a bit anxious.."

"I can't go." She said suddenly, before he could say anything more. "Sorry.."

He looked shocked. "Oh."

"Yeah." She blushed, looking at her pink sneakers.

"Is there a reason?" He asked, sounding disapointed.

"I just can't." She lied, her face felt like it was on fire.

"It's Quinn isn't it?" He asked, looking angry.

"She is my friend." She said, looking up at him finally and was surprised to see the look on his face.

"Yeah.." He sighed, wiping the sweat from his face again. "It was just a date to the dance though, I don't see what her problem is. It isn't like I asked you to marry me or something.."

She had to smile. "I know, but.. I think it would hurt her if I went with you. I was the first friend she made here. She trusts me. I don't want to betray that."

He ran a hand through his sweaty locks, looking as it he was trying to find a way around her descion. "So, you can't even go to the dance.. or just not go with me?"

"I doubt I'll go." She blushed. "I'm not really into dances.."

"But you'll be at the party." He interupted.

She nodded. "Yeah, I want to be there to see Jude play.."

"Jude?" Arnold asked skeptically. "Why would you want to.."

"He's my friend." She informed Arnold. "And Ezra's cousin.."

"Oh." Arnold's face darkened.

"Just a friend." She blushed.

"Hmm." Arnold didn't look happy at all. "Well, I guess I'll just see you at the party then."

"Yeah." She felt like crying.

He started walking off to the showers and she called after him. "Um.. Arnold?"

He turned around, looking hopeful. "What?"

"Please don't say anything to Quinn." She pleaded.

His face fell. "Oh... I won't."

He walked away to the locker rooms and she walked out of the school building, wiping away a few stray tears that happened to fall down her cheeks.

It isn't anything to cry about, she tried to tell herself, it was just a stupid date to some dance. Yet she couldn't seem to stop. She had dreamed about going out with Arnold for years now, and when it finally happened, she had to let her chance slip away.

"Maybe its for the best." Dot said, as she and Claire sat ontop of her roof. Like they used to do as kids. They each had a cup of coffee and were wrapped up in a pile of blankets.

"Maybe." Claire said, sounding doubtful.

"Well, you should go out with him if you want to so bad." Dot said logically.

"But Quinn.." Claire sighed. "She would hate me for it."

"Then don't." Dot shrugged. "Either way, you made your choice. Live with it."

"You're oh so comforting." Claire mocked.

"Hey, you asked." Dot shrugged. "That's the obvious answer. You go out with Arnold, you may have a chance to be with him, but you'll probably lose Quinn's friendship or at least her trust. If you don't go with him, you probably lose your chance with the guy you've been in love with since grade school, but you keep one of the best friends you've ever had.."

Claire sighed. "It's all so complicated. I just want to forget it all."

"Just forget Arnold." Dot advised. "Just be happy with your friends. Plus, there is always Jude.."

Claire had to smile. "Our conversations are deadly awkward. I don't think it would ever work between us."

Dot shrugged. "Just a suggestion. He's madly in love with you."

"He is not." Claire blushed.

Dot shook her head. "Is so."

Claire then threatned to push Dot off the roof, and Dot stopped talking about it. They just sat on the roof together, sipping coffee out of their matching mugs, and watching the stars.

Arnold was in such a bad mood the next few days, that it even started to alarm Quinn. He was snippy to everyone in the houses, and less uncivil towards Quinn than usual. She even caught him sticking her toothbrush in the toilet. That had lead to a battle that lead to Quinn kicking him so hard in the stomach he almost threw up. Luckily, their parents hadn't been home so neither of them were punished.

"What is your problem?" She demanded the night of the party, as he stormed upstairs after a big agrument with his mother over nothing. "You've been a total bitch these past few days, its starting to seriously get on my nerves."

He rolled his eyes. "I'm just sick of living in this house, is all. Having to put up with you and your Dad."

"Well, too bad." She said, as they stood in the hall and faced each other. "We're here to stay.. unfortunately."

He rolled his eyes. "Just stay out of my way, please. I really don't feel like putting up with your shit tonight."

"Oh yeah." She mocked, pretending to fluff up her hair. "You have to get ready for your big, popular kid party. I'll stay out of your way so you can primp. You want to make a good impression on Megan, right?"

He rolled his eyes. "Megan is a friend of mine, though it's none of your business anyway."

"I heard tons of things about her." Quinn looked wicked. "Tons of rather dirty things.."

"Shut up." He nearly shouted.

"Oh, are they true?" She smirked. "I'm sure you would know.."

"I'm not interested in Megan that way." He shot back, getting closer to her as if he was going to push her back.

"No, I doubt you are." She snickered, leaning against the hall wall and pretending to study her chipped black nail polish. "You just like her every one in a while, I'm sure.."

His eyes flashed with anger. "Actually, I was interested in someone.. but thanks to you, she won't even talk to me in class now."

Quinn looked confused. "What? You're full of it, I have no interest in your love life.. or lack of one, I suppose."

"Claire." He burst out. "You know Claire? Well, I asked her out and she said no because she was didn't want to piss you off."

Quinn narrowed her eyes. "She probably said no because she doesn't like you. Who would?"

"Oh, she does." Arnold fought back. "When she stayed over, she told me she did."

Tears were in Quinn's eyes. "You're a liar. She would of told me if she did."

"No." Arnold looked truimphant. "She was afraid of you, so she kept it quiet. It's so nice of you to blackmail your friends like that.. to keep them from being happy. You want them to be as miserable as you are, right?"

Quinn looked ready to attack him. "I didn't even know she liked you."

"Well, she does." Arnold said quietly.

"Do you like her?" Quinn questioned, looking suspicious.

He nodded.

"And she told you she liked you?" Quinn asked, her voice slightly shaky.

"Yes." He said, leaning against the wall and looking exhausted. "She has for... a long time, apparently."

"Then why didn't she tell me?" Quinn wondered outloud, more to herself than to Arnold.

"Because she values your friendship." He said quietly. "She didn't want to hurt you."

Quinn shook her head in disbelief. "Well, she failed. I wish she would of just told me.."

She swallowed hard, as if trying to control her emotions. Then suddenly with a burst of energy, ran to her room and went to grab her jacket.

He followed her into her room, looking at her questioningly. "Where are you going?"

"To the party." She said, throwing her black overcoat on over her black pajamas. "I have to talk to Claire."

"Wait." He tried. "You aren't going to do anything stupid.."

"No." She said, sounding calmer than she felt. "I just want an explanation from my best friend."

He watched her go, feeling more guilty than he would ever admit.

Meanwhile at the party, it was just beginning to swing into action. Claire had arrived early with Ezra and Dot, mainly to calm Jude down. He was nervous about playing in front of most of the 11th grade. He had a drink to calm his nerves, but was still visibly shaking.

"What are you so razzed up about?" Ezra wondered, as they all sat together in the kitchen next to the snack foods and beverages. "You've played a bunch of shows before.."

"I just am." Jude said, although he wouldn't admit he had more than playing the show on his mind.

Claire, who was that something more, didn't seem to notice the significant look he gave her. "Don't worry Jude, everyone loves Exit 77. You'll be fine."

"I don't." Ezra muttered, which earned him an elbow jab from Claire. "Well, I like jude but the rest of the band.."

"They're all ok guys." Jude had to admit, although he wasn't fond of Arnold for obvious reasons.

Ezra made a face, but didn't say a word.

"This stuff tastes funny." Dot said suddenly, holding a plastic cup of beer in her hand. "Like.. bad funny. Why do people drink this for fun again?"

"They like nasty stuff?" Ezra suggested, tasting it and cringing. "Ew, disgusting!"

Claire took the cup before Dot could take another test sip. "That's all that you need Dot dear, you know how easy it is to get you druink."

"Ah, that stuff won't." She fought, as she watched Claire pour it down the sink. "It's mainly water and er.. something nasty mixed in."

"I think its sewage." Ezra said, then started scraping the taste off his tongue with a fork he found in the silverware drawr.

Jude looked embarrased. "C'mon guys, I need to make a good impression here.. as the new band member."

"Are you ashamed of us?" Ezra asked, sounding shocked.

"No." Jude blushed.

"I would be." Dot snickered, looking at Ezra's purple pants, blue jacket, and green hair, dyed with wash out dye for the weekend.

"Hey, I look smoke'n." He fought, a big grin on his face.

"I'm going out to the backyard to get some fresh hair.." Jude sighed, sliding off the counter and looking at Claire. "Do you want to come?"

Claire was sitting by Dot on the counter, sharing a bag of chips. "Nah.."

He looked disapointed, but went out into the backyard alone.

"You never give a guy a break." Ezra shook his head regretuflly.

Claire, who had noticed nothing, looked up surprised. "What did I do now?"

"Hmm.." Said a voice behind her. "Maybe just lie to me all year long?"

She turned around to see Quinn standing in pajamas and an overcoat. She didn't look very happy at all.

go to part 15..

part 13 - indie jane.

2005-11-15T01:58:30Z

Claire studied with Kate after a Friday afternoon band practice, and even though it had been a busy day, the only thing she had on her mind was staying at Quinn's. She felt nervous about spending the night in the house where Arnold lived. She wasn't sure she wanted to chance waking up in the morning with her hair sticking out everywhere and getting spotted by the boy she had had a crush on since the second grade.

"Your mind is somewhere else." Kate said suddenly, as she tried to explain the previous day's assignment. "You're not listening to a word I'm saying, are you?"

Claire looked up at her tutor, startled. "Oh.. yeah, I'm listening."

Kate smirked. "No, no you weren't. You were off daydreaming in la-la land. Anything interesting happen?"

Claire shrugged, embarrased. "I was just thinking about tonight. I'm staying over at Quinn's house- "

"Arnold's step sister?" Kate interupted, surprised.

Claire stared at her geometry text book. "Uh yeah.. I didn't realize you knew she was his step sister."

"I didn't know for a while." Kate confessed, closing her own text book and looking at Claire thoughtfully. "Then I went over to his house to help him with Exit 77's new website, and she was the one who answere the door. So, I kind of found out accidently.."

"Ah." Claire shrugged. "I didn't know myself for a long time.. Quinn finally told me. She's one of my good friends."

"I know." Kate said, stretching out on the floor of her bedroom and resting her chin on the stack of school books in front of her. "I see you guys hanging out together all the time. I was surprised at first since you guys don't seem at all alike."

"We're more alike than you would think actually." Claire smiled, thinking of her newest best friend. "She's a good person.. people just judge her by the clothes she wears. That seems to happen a lot at Davidson."

"It happens a lot everywhere." Kate sighed. "I should know."

"Yeah." Claire was embarrased, she had judged Kate for a long time by her clothes, activities, and everything.

"Anyway." Kate's voice went back to normal. "So, you're staying over at their house? Let me guess, you're afraid you'll do something stupid in front of him OR Quinn will find out you're madly in love with him. Am I right?"

Claire was always shocked by how much Kate seemed to observe, and observe correctly at that. "Well.. kinda."

"You should tell Quinn about your Arnold infatuation, for one." Kate said, reaching for a nail file to fix the tip of her pink thumbnail. "And then, you should see how she feels about you and Arnold before you actually do anything about your crush.. which you're going to, right? Tell him how you feel?"

Claire blushed. "I don't know.."

"You should." Kate said logically. "It only make sense. Why not?"

Claire wished she could leave this extremely uncomfortable conversastion. "Because.."

"Because he might not like you back?" Kate asked. "Well, I guess that is a risk.. but how will you ever know if you don't try?"

"I just don't want to embarrass myself." Claire admitted. "If he doesn't, I mean.."

"Arnold would be a total gentlemen about it either way." Kate said confidently. "He's a great guy, as we both know."

"So many girls like him.." Claire said, faltering. "I'm not even sure if I should or want to.."

Kate was surprised. "But you've liked him forever. Why not?"

Claire nervously flipped through her text book, looking at nothing. "Well, Quinn for one.."

"That you'll have to talk out with Quinn." Kate said with a sigh. "But I think you should at least let Arnold know how you feel, you know you'll regret it forever if you don't even try."

Claire knew this was true. "I know.."

"Then be brave and tell him." Kate said, reaching over and closing Claire's geometry book. "Now, I think our study session is over. I doubt we'll get anywhere while you have boys on the brain."

Claire gave a sheepish smile. "Sorry.."

"It's fine." Kate said with a wave of her hand. "You're doing a lot better lately anyway.. besides, I know how it is. I can't stop thinking of how I'll see Gary this summer."

She walked Claire to the door, luckily this time they didn't come in contact with Kate's rather eccentric parents. Kate opened the door and leaned against the side panel, thoughtfully staring at Claire.

"Think about what I said." Kate smiled.

"I will." Claire couldn't wait to leave. It must of shown on her face, because Kate's smile quickly faded.

"You aren't going to tell him, are you?" Kate asked as Claire walked out onto the proch.

Claire blushed. "Probably not."

Kate looked dissapointed. "Well... That's your own choice, I suppose. Bye Claire."

After Claire had left, Kate walked back up to her room and got started on her own homework. That way she would have it all done and finished by Monday morning. She had a lot to do that weekend, including a school council meeting about the upcoming Valetines Day dance and she also had a decorating committee to form.

As she started on her history work, there was a knock on her bedroom door. Before she could tell the person to come in, Arnold peeked in and gave her a big smile.

"I'm not disturbing you, am I?" He laughed. "Kate Kate... homework on a Friday night? How dare you. You are a disgrace to teenagers everywhere."

She laughed and held up her history book, as if threatning to throw the heavy text at him. "Watch it, I'm armed."

He held his hands up in peace. "Sorry, sorry.. I just came by to give back the CD's I borrowed."

He laid the pile of CD's on her desk and sat down at her desk chair. "So, what are you up to tonight?"

Kate looked at the pile of books and notebooks in front of her. "Lots and lots of homework."

"You're so boring." He informed her. "No wonder we broke up."

"Actually, we broke up because I found someone better." She replied saucily.

He shook his head, laughing. "True enough.. how is old Gary anyway? Has he went off to Harvard early or something?"

"No and he's going to Yale in a year." Kate corrected. "He is going to be a lawyer. Like myself."

Arnold clutched at his heart. "I feel so inferior, I really do. You succeded in crushing my self-eestem, happy?"

She rolled her eyes. "Did you just come to return my CD's or did you come to chat? I'm really busy right now Arnykins.."

"Sorry, Katie-pie." He said, pretending to be offended. "I just thought I'd drop by to see an old friend."

"You should get home." Kate said lightly. "Someone is going to be staying at your house.."

He looked curious now. "What? Who?"

"Claire Wilson." Kate explained. "Quinn invited her to your house, so I hear."

"Ah." Arnold looked surprised. "How Quinn is friends with someone as nice as Claire is beyond me.. do you think she could be blackmailing her?"

Kate laughed. "No! They're really good friends.. I like Claire too though. She's a good sort."

Arnold nodded, sitting back in Kate's desk chair and looking thoughtful. "Yeah, she really is. I had a good time doing our Ireland project. I was a bit dissapointed when it was over. We had fun study parties."

Kate smirked. "Someone likes someone.."

He blushed. "I wouldn't say that.."

"Well.. she likes you." Kate said, nonchalently.

Arnold sat up in his chair. "...Really?"

She nodded. "A whole lot."

"Who told you?" Arnold looked both embarrased and pleased.

"She did." Kate smiled smugly. "She doesn't want to tell you though, she's scared."

He titled his head to one side. "Then.. why are you telling me?"

She shrugged. "Someone has to. She never will."

Arnold didn't say anything for a moment or two, he was too busy trying to think. He had never for one second thought quiet, sweet Claire Wilson would be interested in him. Maybe someone like his buddy Jude, but Arnold?

"So.. she really likes me and never said a word." Arnold was confused, he wasn't used to dealing with bashful people. "Did she just start liking me or what?"

"Actually, she's liked you for a long time." Kate said, feeling a bit guilty for telling Claire's secret but relieved to tell him. Someone had to. "So?"

"So what?" He asked with a laugh. "What am I supposed to do about it.. ask her to the dance or something?"

Kate shrugged. "Maybe. If you want."

He was confused. "I don't know if I do or don't really.. I never thought of Claire that way. As a friend, sure.. but.."

"She's better than that Megan girl I've seen you with." Kate smirked, throwing a pencil at him and hitting him on the knee. "Just listening to her talk makes me lose brain cells."

He chuckled. "She isn't that bad.."

Kate rolled her eyes. "Yes, yes she is."

"Claire Wilson." He said thoughtfully, as if trying to figure out how he felt by saying her name outloud. "I never would of thought she would.."

Kate sighed. "Just.. take it easy with her. She's kind of a naive kid. Smart, sweet as can be.. but naive."

He looked offended. "Are you saying I'm a jerk that would take advantage of a girl?"

She sighed. "No, I'm not saying that.. well.. I guess I'm trying to say that I know you're rather friendly with most of the girls in our class. Don't just make her one of the crowd.. if you get my drift."

"I understand." He said, giving her a smile to assure her he wasn't offended any longer. "Well, I guess I better get home."

"Be nice to her." Kate warned, as he left. "Don't do anything stupid."

He raised his hands in the air. "I will be a saint, I swear."

"Sure." She had laughed, hitting him on the back of the head with a folder.

She felt very uneasy as she watched him leave, as if maybe for once in her life she hadn't done the right thing.

Claire soon realized she had been worried for nothing, since Quinn's family seemed quite normal and welcomed her graciously. They had a special dinner and while Quinn's father barely said two sentences, Joan was lively and talkative. She was interested in everything the kids said. Even Arnold and Quinn seemed to be getting along for the most part. Joan silently made a note to invite Claire over more often.

Claier couldn't help but notice Arnold kept staring at her. She would be talking to Quiinn, and feel his eyes on her. He looked curious, as if he was seeing her for the first time. Studying her, almost. She felt slightly uncomfortable, but giddy at the same time. At least he was looking, right?

After dinner, Quinn and Claire finished up some homework and hung out in the den, watching late night. Arnold came in an hour into Conan, and sat down on the tan loveseat next to Claire. He smiled and then turned his attention to the television. She could see him looking at her out of the corner of his eye though.

"There are other tv's in the house." Quinn said, feeling unsettled. Arnold never hung out with her, willingly.

"I know, I want to watch this one." He said, stretching out and bumping against Claire. "Oh.. sorry."

She blushed. "It's ok.."

Quinn rolled her eyes. "Fine, we'll go watch the tv upstairs. It's smaller, but at least he won't be bothering us.."

Arnold sat up quickly. "Hey, I'm not bothering anyone. I was just trying to watch some tv.. was I even saying anything to you? Uh, no!"

"He has a point." Claire said fairly.

"Whatever, let's just all shut up and watch Conan." Quinn said, scowling but also settling back on the couch she had sprawled across. She seemed to have lost the battle.

"This is nice." Joan said, coming in the den with two bowls of popcorn. "The family and friends watching late night. How cozy."

Quinn made a face but Joan didn't see. Instead Joan settled down on the couch next to Quinn, who had to move her legs to make room for her stepmother. Joan offered to share her popcorn bowl with Quinn, while passing the other bowl to Arnold to share with Claire.

"No thanks." Quinn said, pushing away the rather delicious looking buttery popcorn. She didn't want to share anything with Joan.

"Suit yourself." Joan said, then took a sip of her ice tea. "Do you want something to drink Claire? I could get you a soda or something.."

"I'll get her one." Arnold jumped up.

Before Claire could even say anything, he ran to get the glasses of soda. Surprisngly, he also handed Quinn a glass. She looked stunned as she accepted it. Since when did Arnold do nice things for his evil step sister?

"Er..." She said, looking suspicious. "You didn't sprinkle salt or garlic in it, did you?"

"Just because I did that one time, doesn't mean I'll do it everytime." He said, looking slightly wicked. "Really though, it's clean. No poison even."

She dared take a sip. "Hmm.. you are telling the truth. Thanks then."

"No problem." He settled back on the loveseat, giving Claire a wink.

She smiled, blushing. "Thanks."

After late night, Joan turned off the tv and announced she was going to bed. She told them they could stay up, since it was the weekend byt not to be too loud. The girls left Arnold down stairs and went to Quinn's room to listen to a few new CD's she had recently purchased.

"Joan is really nice." Claire said suddenly, truly surprised that the woman Quinn had been calling 'demonic' seemed quite lovely.

"To you, yeah." Quinn snorted. "She's so fake around company."

Claire felt Quinn was being too hard on Joan, but didn't say anything. What did she know anyway? Maybe in private Joan was as bad as Quinn said. So she let the subject drop and they listened to music for a few hours. Quinn drifted off to sleep during the third album, and left Claire wide awake. She toyed around with the troll collection on Quinn's shelf - the one reminder that Quinn had once been a normal child - and then went to find the bathroom.

She wandered down the dark hall of the house, trying to remember where Quinn had said the bathroom was located. She was about to open the door at the end of the hall, when Arnold came walking up the stairs.

"That's my room." He told her.

"Oh." She blushed. "Sorry.."

"If you were looking for the bathroom, it's the second door." He said, pointing it out. "But, you're welcome to my room too."

He smiled to show he was kidding, but not completely. "Do you like video games?"

She shrugged. "I kind of suck at them, but yeah.. sure."

"If you want, we could play some of them." He said, motioning twoards his room. "Unless Quinn would mind too much.."

"She's asleep." Claire told him, as they stood in the dark hallway facing each other.

"Ah." He said, looking pleased. "Come on, I'll battle you in mario racing. Some old-school video games.."

So Claire followed Arnold into his room and was surprised to find how small it was. It consisted of a giant bed in the middle of the room, and a tiny dresser stood by the closet door. It held a tv, what looked like a major video game system, and all his belongings strewn about. From the look of his locker anad his room, Claire was beginning to think her crush was a slob.

She found she didn't mind at all.

He pushed a pile of music mags off his bed to make a place for them to sit, they plopped down on the blue covers and Arnold turned on the game. Claire, true to her word, sucked at all and any video games she came across. Arnold was thrilled by this, since he loved winning. He told Claire that other people beat him usually, including the one time he had gotten Quinn to play.

"She ended up trying to pull my hair out when she thought I was cheating." He informed Claire, shaking his head regretfully. "Then again, I was cheating.. so I guess I deserved it."

"You two sound more and more like real siblings every day." She chuckled, while concentrating on trying to get her princess car to beat Arnold's mario car.

"So real siblings beat each other up?" He asked curiously.

"Once in a while." She informed him. "You have to keep each other in line somehow."

Finally, Arnold won the 34th game they played and Claire threw her remote controler down in defeat, much to Arnold's amusement.

"I so suck!" She declared.

"You'll get better." He assured her. "You'll just have to come over and play more."

Come over again? To hang out with him? Claire was surprised.

"I'm not sure Quinn would go for that." She chuckled, as they sat back on Arnold's bed and chatted.

"Probably not." He admitted. "Too bad though.."

Suddenly he leaned in and gave her a bashful kiss on the lips. Shocked, she pulled back and almost fell off the bed. He caught her just in time, laughing.

"Whoa, steady." He joked.

"Sorry." She blushed. "You just.. surprised me."

"I'd be wanting to do that all day." He confessed. "So, I just went for it.. sorry."

She stared at her hands. "I shouldn't be here.. Quinn would hate me if she knew."

"Maybe." He said, leaning in to kiss her again. She drew back. "What?"

"I told you, I can't." She had to laugh, however nervous she felt. "I haven't even told Quinn.."

She stopped, she had been about to tell Arnold she hadn't told Quinn she had a crush on Arnold. Thus, admitting she liked him.

He raised an eyebrow as she stopped talking. "Told her what?"

She sighed. "Well.. if you must know.. that I, er, like you."

His grin was wide. "I know."

She looked surprised as she sat back down on the bed next to him. "You know?"

He nodded. "A little bird told me."

She rolled her eyes. "Does this little bird's name happen to be Kate?"

He shrugged, but the look in his eyes told Claire she had guessed correctly. "I can't say."

She sighed, feeling slightly betrayed but relieved at the same time. "Well, at least that's out there."

He went to kiss her again and this time she let him, for just a second. He was rather close to her still, even as she pulled away. "I'm glad you like me."

She sat still as he gently kissed her cheek. "Really?"

"Yep." He said, now kissing her neck. She shivered.

His lips found hers again and she lost herself for a moment, the thrill of finally kissing the guy she had been after for years was almost too much to take in. He smelled so good, as she sat extremely close to him and put her hands on his shoulders. It was intoxicating.

She couldn't believe it was finally happening, yet one little thought kept popping into her head.

It was wrong.

"Do you want to go to the Valentines Day dance with me?" He asked, after she had finally pulled away from him. She sat touching her lips, as if she wasn't exactly sure what had just happened.

"Me?" She asked meekly. "You want to go with me?"

"Sure." He shrugged. "Why not? We like each other, right?"

She was surprised. "You like me?"

He gave her his best lopsided smile. "Did I not make that clear before?"

"Not before tonight." She said honestly.

He looked slightly guilty, but he took her hand in his. "I guess it took Kate telling me to actually realize how much I DID like you. I couldn't take my eyes off of you tonight."

She blushed, as she sat staring at his hand that was holding her own. "I'd love to go with you to the dance.. but I really need to talk to Quinn about this. She's my best friend, I can't just go out with her brother without talking to her first."

"Step brother." Arnold corrected.

"Same thing." She said softly. "I need to know how she would feel if I.. well.. went to the dance with you. I don't want to hurt her. She's been a really good friend to me, you know."

He sighed and looked slightly disconcerted that Claire hadn't said yes right away. He wasn't used to girls acting this way around him. "Well.. I guess I understand. Will you give me your answer by the end of the week, then?"

She promised she would, and after he gave her a quick kiss on the lips, she went back to Quinn's room. Her best friend was still sleeping peacefully, and Claire felt truly guilty about what had just happened. She felt as if she had betrayed her friend in some way, even if it had just been a few kisses.

Claire went to sleep too, trying not to think of Arnold but not succeding at all. He was the only thing she could think about.

go to part 14..

part 12 - indie jane.

2005-11-14T04:17:00Z

Getting back to school proved to be harder than Claire thought it would be, she had grown used to sleeping to all hours of the day and now she had to get up at 7 am once again. Even worse, she had to go out into the blistering cold. The sky sprinkled patches of snow on the city of Davidson at least once a day, and the wind was so fierce it made Claire's ear ache on her walk to school.

"I look like I put too much blush on." Claire muttered, as she went into the school bathroom to wipe her runny nose. Her cheeks were bright pink, the tip of her nose hurt, and her ears matched her nose.

"We're beautiful and rosy." Mocked Dot, who enjoyed their walks in the freezing Antartica like weather. "Where is Quinn anyway? She's not going to skip again, is she?"

Quinn had gotten in trouble the first week back from Winter Break for skipping a day of school and going to a concert. Her Dad and her stepmother Joan had grounded her for a week. Arnold had gleefully told Claire all the details of the punishment the next day, not having talked anything out with his step-sister quite yet obviously.

"Nah, she'll be here. Her Dad is driving her to school now because he thinks she'll skip out of class again if he doesn't." Claire informed Dot, they had band practice after school and there was a strict "Indie Jane" policy that you had to come to school on Monday. Unless, of course, you were dying of some horrible disease. Other than that, it was inexcusable to miss practice.

The girls wandered to the cafeteria to buy breakfast and found Quinn coming in from outside, her cheeks pink from the cold as well. She gloomily waved at them and plopped down in the seat next to Claire's. "Ugh, I hate not being able to walk to school with you guys anymore. Did you know he's not letting me stay the night with you anymore? He says he trusts you, but he wants to keep an eye on me at all times."

Claire was dissapointed. "Aw, that was becoming our Monday night tradition! We watched movies and ate junk food till eleven. It was great."

"Well, you can stay over at my house if you want." Quinn said, stealing a chunk of Claire's breakfast burrito. "Not tonight because I'm still grounded, but next week. If you want to, I mean."

"Sure." Claire said, and her mind drifting over the fact that none other than Arnold also lived in that particular house. "That could be.. fun."

Of course, Quinn had no idea that Claire even remotely liked Arnold, so she had no problem with it. Dot smirked at Claire for the remainder of breakfast and as they walked to class, she nudged Claire in the ribs.

"Staying at Quinn's house, eh?" Dot whispered in Claire's ear. "Now I wonder why you would want to do that.."

"Shut up." Claire said, looking over her shoulder and making sure Quinn wasn't nearby. She wasn't; she had fallen back in the busy crowd of high school students to talk to Jude about their comic.

"I'm just saying...." Dot said, tweaking the end of a strand of Claire's hair.

"I wouldn't stay at Quinn's JUST because I might see Arnold." Claire said, feeling ruffled. "Quinn is one of my best friends, that's why I'd stay there. Monday night is our hang out night."

"Whatever you say." Dot said, smirking. "Anyway, why don't you guys ever invite me to hang out night?"

Claire shrugged. "You never asked."

Dot didn't look exactly happy, but she merely shrugged. "Whatever, it sounds boring anyway. I'd rather hang out with Ez and watch him paint... that sounds much better than hanging out where I'm not invited or wanted."

Claire knew Dot felt a trifle left out, so she gave her best friend a hug. "Anytime you want to hang out with us, you're more than welcome."

Dot looked slightly appeased. "Ok then."

Arnold and Claire finished their Ireland project that day and turned it in with pride. They were certain that they would get an A, they had put a lot of time and effort into their report. They had even made a special 'photo section' of current Ireland life. That had been Claire's idea. Arnold had done all the artwork though, so while their report was well-written, it was also nice to look at.

Quite pleased with themselves, they walked to Arnold's locker together. They were discussing wether or not the teacher would make them give an oral report, Claire hoped not and she told Arnold that if they did - he was doing all the speaking. He had chuckled and agreed. He knew how shy she was, after all.

"You did most of the work on the report anyway." He said thoughtfully. "So it's only fair."

She rolled her eyes as he opened his locker and searched for his english book in the mess at the bottom. "Oh please, you worked just as hard as I did. I was really surprises, especially since you hate history so much."

"Ah, I don't hate it." He said, digging through the pile of socks and gym shorts littered and unsuccesfully looking for his lost book. "It just isn't my favorite thing.. I prefer PE or, you know, lunch."

She grinned. "PE.. ugh. No thanks. Lunch I can do though."

A basketball fell from the top shelf of his locker and she caught it before it hit him on the head. HE looked up surprised. "Wow, you caught it.. and you say you suck at sports."

She rolled her eyes, leaning against the locker and trying to spin the ball on the tip of her finger. "I do and you know it. Do you remember when I was on your volleyball team freshman year? You acted like it was the PE Olympics. I was terrified of you for weeks."

"Ah yeah, you missed every ball that came towards you... and lost us the big game. I was devestated. I, uh, get a little too into winning at times." He said sheepishly, still trying to find the hidden english book. Claire suspected it was on the middle shelf, crammed behind a bunch of notebooks.. but she didn't say a word.

"I'd say." She mocked. "You made me tear up a little a few times during that horrid week."

He looked up from his search. "Really?"

She tried to play it off as if it wasn't a big deal. "Oh you know, I was always crying in PE. Like the time I was hit with the dodgeball and it broke my glasses.. or the time during field hockey week where I got hit in the back. Yeah.."

Arnold was still looking at her. "Well, I'm sorry. Really."

She coughed. "Yeah.. um.. I think your english book is on your middle shelf."

He looked up from where he had been looting through socks and what looked suspicously like a pile of white briefs. Claire wondered. "Aha! Thank you Claire!"

"No problem." She said, putting the basketball back in his locker. "You know, you really shouldn't live out of your locker.. you do have a home, yes?"

He smiled. "I know, I just forget to take everything home after basketball practice.. you should see my gym locker. It's overflowing with clothes and extremely lethal to the nose."

She rolled her eyes and helped him pick up a few socks that had fallen out onto the floor. "I can smell a bit of stinky old sock smell, yes.."

He looked embarrased, but not too much so. "Yeah, Quinn informed me the other day she was going to buy me a car freshner to wear around my neck."

Claire laughed. "I love that girl."

Arnold shook his head. "She's... something."

"You really should talk to her, like you said you would." Claire said reprovingly.

"I don't want to talk about Quinn right now." Arnold said, waving his hand as if to shew away the previous subject. "I've been meaning to ask you something.."

He trailed off and Claire felt her heart beating quickly. "... Ask me what?"

Arnold opened his mouth to say something back, but suddenly a crowd of his friends came rushing towards them and basically knocked Claire out of their way. His buddies from his band and basketball team. Claire inched away from the loud, obnoxious group.

"I'll talk to you later!" Arnold called from within the crowd. "See you Claire!"

She gave a lame wave back and walked to class, the bell ringing loudly behind her. She would have a tardy and most likely a detention, but she didn't care... What could he of wanted to say to her?

Claire later learned the reason Arnold's buddies had come to carry him off; the prep rally for Davidson's basketball team was being held that day. Attendence was mandatory, so Claire and her gang were forced into witnessing all the school spirit. Dot particulary hated these gatherings and stationed herself at the top of the bleachers - as far away as she could get from the pompoms and spirit fingers.

Claire sat down next to her friends and watched from up high as the basketball team was introduced by the cheerleaders, including Kate Arthur. It was almost amusing to see proper, math genius Kate Arthur jump around in a tiny outfit and wear her hair in pigtails.

"I would think she found this kind of thing deemining." Quinn said thoughtfully, camping out next to Claire and Jude.

"Not all cheerleading is deeming." Claire shrugged. "Have you seen the competitions on ESPN? There are some really talented squads out there."

"Not this one though." Dot smirked. "This one is filled with girls who can barely manage a forward roll."

Quinn snickered and they were shushed by a teacher, they were supposed to be listening as basketball captain Arnold Stewert made his speech. Quinn scowled at her stepbrother and made faces at him from where he couldn't see.

"If they win the county championship, I'll willingly shave off all my hair." Dot whispered to Quinn from behind Claire's head. "They suck and barely even win any games."

This seemed to cheer Quinn up. "Really?"

Dot nodded. "Oooh yeah, they stink."

"Shh." The teacher commanded. "If I have to tell you again, I'll seperate all of you."

Quinn stuck her tongue out at the teacher once she had turned her head. "Bloody woman.. who does she think she is?"

She said it in a barely audible whisper, but the teacher heard and they were dragged to the principals office. Even thought it had just been Quinn speaking, they all recieved detention. Claire now had two detentions to her name for the week.

"You're not mad, are you?" Quinn asked Claire as they left the office with their green detention notices in hand.

"Nope." Claire shrugged. "I don't mind detention. Dot and I kind of enjoy it actually.. Ez too, although he usually gets inschool detentions because he likes to spit spitwads at the teacher incharge."

Quinn looked happier. "That's why we're all friends."

"I've never had a detention." Jude said suddenly, as they all made their way back to the prep rally. They would be sat in seperate seats when they arrived back.

"Poor deprived boy. You don't know what you've been missing." Dot said, shaking her head with deep regret. "Good thing you moved here and ran into us."

Jude shared a smile with Claire. "Yeah, good thing."

She blushed.

Claire never found out what Arnold had wawnted to say to her, he never said another word about it. Instead she saw him flirting with redheaded Soprano Megan in choir, and walking down the hall with his arm around Haley West's middle. He always had a girl around or at least a crowd of friends. She found this very disconcerting. Like she knew about one part of his life and nothing about another.

"He's a guy." Dot would say, as if that explained it all. It only left Claire more confused than ever.

She really didn't want to like him anymore at times, especially when she saw him constantly being surrounded by females and how he acted around his basketball friends. She couldn't help like him though, one look at those eyes and that bright smile.. and she was gone. She was convinced there was something special about him, and she would find out what it was.

"You're gone, you hopeless romantic you." Ezra would say, when Claire tried to explain how she felt. She didn't find her friends very helpful at all.

Of course, the one person who would probably understand was the one person Claire couldn't tell. She also knew that even if there was somethin special about Arnold, it would betraying Quinn to find out what it was.

Kate was willing to discuss him, but Claire felt funny telling Arnold's ex-girlfriend how she felt about him. So she had no one to talk to but her old teddy bear Mr. Sparkles. He wasn't much help either. He just sat there and stared at her with blank eyes.

"You used to be so understanding when I was a kid.. now you just look at me like I'm crazy." She said and then threw her teddy bear across the room as if this was all his fault.

At least Claire had band practice to distract her. Day by day, she was improving and soon Quinn's song was perfected. They all cheered the first time they ran through it without one mistake. Then they quickly played it again just to make sure that one time wasn't just a fluke. It wasn't and it sounded beautiful.

Jude was their first listener, even though he was part of their rival band. They all trusted him eough not to tell their secrets. He was mighty impressed with their improvement and new songs. Especially Claire's.

"You'll surprise them all." He told her.

She had smiled. "I hope so."

"I know so." He said back, blushing.

So while Claire's non-existant love life was in tatters, at least her band and friends were improving. Dot and Ezra fought less, Quinn got along with all of them for the most part, and Jude's confidence seemed to be at an all-time high. So much that he planned to ask her to the Valentines Day dance. He wanted to wait for the perfect moment though.

"Don't wait too long." Ezra warned him.

"I won't." Jude said quietly, looking out the window and watching Claire walk home with Dot. The snow gently falling down on them.

When Quinn's punishment for skipping school AND getting detention at the prep rally ended, Quinn went to ask her father if Claire could stay over some night.

He barely looked up from his computer. "Hmm.. ask Joan."

Quinn rolled her eyes and said sarcastically: "No, you are my parental unit, so I am asking you father dearest."

He sighed. "Don't you see I have a lot of work to do here? I don't have time for this."

Quinn scoffed. "You don't have time to say yes or no?"

"I won't be here, your stepmother will." He said, shewing her away. "So it's up to her if she wants to have kids over or not."

"Some parent you are." She hissed at him as she left the room in a huff.

"I love you too honey." He said in a tired voice.

Grumbling angrily to herself, she found Joan in the kitchen watering her indoor plants. She often sang to them or talked baby talk to them when she thought no one was listening. Quinn had been listening.

"Joan?" Quinn asked, sitting down at the table and waiting for Joan to stop singing to her plants.

Joan looked startled. "Oh Quinn, I thought you were up in your room.."

As always.

"I just wanted to ask if a friend of mine could stay over tomorrow night." Quinn asked, while playing with the salt and pepper shakers shaped like roosters.

"Not on a school night." Joan said automatically, the way parents do.

"Well, ok then.. Friday night?" Quinn asked, trying not to lose her temper.

Joan thought about it. "Is your friend a nice girl?"

Quinn had to smile. "The very nicest."

"Well, I guess thats fine then." Joan finally said, getting down from off the table and giving Quinn a rare smile. "I'm glad you feel you can ask me these kind of things now."

"Dad made me." Quinn informed her.

Joan's face fell. "Oh."

Quinn almost felt bad. "I'm glad I can ask you things too though.. I guess."

Joan suddenly gave Quinn a quick, awkward hug, which she hadn't tried to do since the wedding when Quinn had hissed at the bride, told her to shove off and never dare touch her again. Quinn was so stunned by the sudden act of affection, that she couldn't even think of a witty comment or insult.

"So you want to stay the night Friday?" Quinn asked Claire the next day. "Joan said it was ok."

"Sure." Claire said, thinking of Arnold and accidently spilling soda down her front.

"You're such a spazz." Quinn grinned, handing Claire a bunch of napkins to clean up her mess.

"Yep, that's me." Claire smiled weakly, feeling
like the worst friend in the world.

go to part 13..

part eleven - indie jane.

2005-11-13T00:55:25Z

Claire did a lot of studying during Christmas Break. Just because it was the holidays, didn't mean Claire could slack off on her geometry work said her mother. So Claire had two study sessions with Kate, who was making sure Claire would be ready for their finals at the end of the year.

"Ugh, it's snowing again." Kate groaned, as she opened the door to let Claire in. She peeked outside before she shut the door, making a face at the heavily falling snow. "It hasn't let up all day now. It just keeps coming."

"I like it." Claire shrugged, taking off her coat and carefully wiping her feet on the mat in front of the door.

"Here, let me go put your coat in the dryer, it's going to be soaked when all the snow melts." So Kate went to put Claire's coat in the dryer and left Claire standing in the foyer. She stood awkwardly by the door, she could hear voices in the next room. She dreaded having to see any members of Kate's family.

"Oh! You must be a friend of Kate's. Where is that daughter of mine?" A lady dressed in what looked like a black evening dress came out of the den and found Claire inching towards the stairs.

"She's drying my coat." Claire said softly, feeling very insecure in front of this immaculately dressed woman, she looked like she was ready to pose for a magazine shoot. Everything about her was perfectly made up, to her styled blonde hair to her painted toenails.

"I don't believe we have met." The woman said, extending her hand. "I'm Kate's mother Glenda. You are?"

"Claire Wilson." Claire almost whispered. "I'm, er, I mean.. Kate is helping me with geometry."

"Oh!" Glenda both looked surprised and disapointed, this wasn't a new friend of Kate's. This was just another high school child.. one who couldn't even do her own geometry work. At least that's what Claire had decided Glenda was probably thinking.

"Hey Mom." Kate came back into the room and gave her mother a hard smile. "What are you doing? Are you bothering Claire?"

"I was just introducing myself." Her mother laughed, a weak tinkly giggle that probably annoyed all who heard it. "It was lovely to meet you Clarence."

"Claire." Kate corrected.

"Whatever." Her mother gave Claire one last smile and lovingly pinched Kate's cheek. "Should I send up some snacks for you two?"

"No, I have some." Kate held up two cans of soda and a bag of chocolate chip cookies. "Thanks anyway Mom."

"I'll be in the den if you need me." Her mother assured them, then waltzed back into the den. Obviously tripping a little over the rug.

"Are your parents going out somewhere?" Claire had to ask, as the headed up the stairs.

"No." Kate looked surprised. "Why would you think that?"

"The black gown." Claire explained. "It's a beautuful dress, so I just figured.."

"No, she just always dresses that way." Kate looked embarrased. "My Dad wears suits all the time too.. I guess I'm used to it, so I don't notice... but it is almost like they're waiting to go somewhere though, isn't it?"

Claire was sorry she had brought it up, Kate looked embarrased now. "Ah well, it's better than my Mom running around in her 80's style jeans all the time."

Kate cracked a smile. "I suppose so."

After their study session, Kate walked Claire to the door and she got a good look at Kate's father, Kent. He was indeed wearing a suit and sitting at the hall table, quickly punching numbers into a caculator. He looked up when the two girls came into the hall, obviously not happy to be disturbed.

"Didn't I tell you to keep out of my way tonight?" He asked Kate.

"Sorry Dad..." Kate looked meek. Claire was astonished.

"Were you studying?" He asked gruffly, staring at them over his frameless glasses.

"I was helping Claire with geometry, so yeah.. in away." Kate said, staring at her shoes. Claire couldn't believe how small Kate suddenly seemed in front of this man, like her confidence had suddenly disapeared.

"Good." He gave Claire a nod. "I don't want her getting anymore of those B's... she came home with one in English last semester. I couldn't believe it."

Claire nodded nervously. "Huh."

"Not much of a talker, eh?" He chuckled to himself. "None of Kate's friends are. I think they're all terrified of me."

Claire could understand why. There was something incredibly intimidating about the man before her, in his designer suit and hard smile. He was handsome, so she knew were Kate got her good looks from.. but there was something about him Claire distinctly didn't like.

"Well, I'll let you know when we can study again." Kate helped Claire with her coat, obviously trying to get Claire out of the house as quick as she could. "I'll see you later."

"Ok." Claire gave Kate's Dad one last look. He was mummbling to himself about bills, she could hear him complaining to himself about how much money Kate and her mother spent on clothes. They don't even wear half the damn stuff, he grumbled darkly.

"Does your little friend Clarence need a ride home?" Kate's mother asked, popping out of the den and smiling at Claire warmly.

"Oh no, I'll be fine." Claire stammered. "I like the snow."

"You shouldn't be driving in the snow anyway, Glenda." Kent barked at his wife. "You're a wreck waiting to happen."

"I don't need a ride." Claire assured them both, trying to smile. For some reason, she really wanted to leave. Fast.

"It was nice to meet you dear. Don't be a stranger around here." Glenda said and then went back into the den.

Kate's father just gave her another deep nod. As if dismissing her from his mighty presence.

Just before Claire left, she heard Kate's Dad call her over and start lecturing Kate on her room. He called it a dump and told her to go pick it up. Claire was bewildered as she closed the door behind her; Kate's room had been perfectly neat when she had left. Almost too neat, in fact.

As she walked home in the snow, Claire hugged her coat close to her body, and she suddenly felt very lucky to have her strict but fair Mother and brat of a sister. Very lucky indeed.

"I wouldn't feel too sorry for Kate." Dot chuckled, when Claire told her and Ezra about what had happened. They were sitting in Ezra's room in the attic and letting him paint them for his new masterpiece. Ever since Jude and Quinn had started their comic, Ezra had gotten extra artistic; as if he was trying to prove to them all who was the real artist of the family.

"I don't." Claire lied. "I just always thought she had this perfect life, and maybe that isn't so true. It was really surprising for me."

"You have yet to learn that no one is perfect, not even Kate Arthur and your dream man Arnold Stewert." Ezra said, standing with his paint brush in hand and a beret on his hand. His artist gear also consisted of a blue smock and special black paint pants that were littered with paint streaks from several years of artistry.

"I don't think anyone is perfect." Claire said, yet again lieing.

"Yes you do." Ezra said simply. "You think they're so perfect and above you... that's why you let them step all over you, as if you're lacking as a human being. Dot and I have been saying it for years."

"Well, I know better now." Claire said, sitting against the wall and starting to feel very uncomfortable in the pose Ezra had set them in. "Her Dad seems like he'd be a good candidate for the military."

"Maybe he is pushy, but so what?" Dot asked. "She'll thank him someday when she's a highly successful doctor or lawyer."

Ezra shuddered. "Such boring career choices. I can't imagine holding jobs like that. I think I would die."

"So what are you going to do when you grow up then?" Claire questioned, scratching her nose when he wasn't looking. He didn't want them to move.

"I dunno." He didn't seem too concerned. "Paint, hang around Paris.. you'll come with me, right Dot?"

"Yeah right." She scoffed. "You'll be on the streets probably."

"Nah, he'll still be living with his Mom." Claire said with a grin. "Painting houses or something."

"Hey, painting houses would be better than some copperate stooge job that I would loathe." He said, mixing tan paint for their faces. "I'd probably get fired from painting houses though, I'd end up painting polka dots all over them or something."

"Probably, knowing you." Claire yawned.

"Don't wimp out on me now." Ezra warned. "I have at least an hour of painting to go, my lovely models."

"So, what are you going to be?" Dot asked Claire, since they had started talking about their futures. "A famous rock star or something equally reasonable like that?"

Claire shrugged. "I don't know. I'm not interested in anything but music at the moment. I guess I'll start thinking about it next year."

"I'm going to be a reporter." Dot said promptly. "And travel all over the world, meet tons of interesting people, and hopefully, almost get blown up a few times. I think that sounds like a fun life, don't you?"

Claire and Ezra exchanged a look. "Yeah.."

"Just wait and see." She said airly. "I'll be the best thing to ever happen to CNN.. or maybe CBS news. I haven't decided which one."

"So you're just going to abandon the band to travel around the world and dodge bombs?" Ezra asked with mock shock.

"Eh." Dot didn't sound too concerned. "I'll give us two more years to make it big, and then I'm afraid I'll have to call it quits."

"Make it three." Ezra said. "We haven't even performed for people yet."

"Ok, three." She said, studying her nails. "Now that we have our futures settled, can I please go to the bathroom? I'm sick of sitting here, and I think my bladder is about to explode."

"Go ahead." He waved her off with his paintbrush. "I've seen you enough times to know what you look like, you dirty hippy."

So she blew him a kiss for his compliment and she wandered down stairs, leaving Claire to model. He showed her what he had finished so far, which was their faces and upper torsos. She was surprised to see an extremely well-done painting, nothing like Ezra's usual "blue toe" prints.

"Wow Ezzie." She breathed, getting up from the bed and going to get a closer look. "You're so good! Why don't you paint people more often?"

He shrugged, looking not exactly happy with his work. "I don't know, I like unusual art better. Abstract is my life."

"Then why are you painting us?" She questioned.

"To show that I can." He smiled meekly. "And because you and Dot are gorgeous, of course."

She rolled her eyes. "Of course."

"It's just that.. I've been painting for years, and I've barely ever gotten any recongition for it." He sighed. "Then Jude comes around, puts out two comics in the paper, and there are people asking for his autograph in study hall."

"It is a good comic." She said. "But Ez, you're a good artist too. We know that, you know that. Do you really need all those superficial people telling you something you already know?"

He managed a smile. "You have a good point.."

"Besides, they all started reading his comic just because he's in Exit 77 now." She said, giving Ezra a pat on the back. "You know how people at school worship them."

"That'll all change come May, when Indie Jane comes storming onto the Davidson scene." Ezra grinned. "Have you managed to work out Quinn's song yet, by the way?"

"I'm working on it." She said, rolling her eyes.

"Good." He picked up his paint brush and dipped it in red paint for Dot's t-shirt. "Now sit back down my model, so I can finish my masterpiece. I'm going to frame it when it's done and give it to Dot for Christmas this year."

Claire smiled and sat back down on the bed. "She's lucky to have a boyfriend like you, Ez."

He looked down the smock he was wearing that looked like a dress, and his pants that were now completely drenched in blue paint. "Don't I know it?"

Christmas quickly came and passed, Claire got all that she wanted and more. Ezra gave her a painting he called "Claire in the sun" which was a lot of yellows and reds.. in the middle was a stick figure wearing a skirt. She supposed that was herself in the sun. She had grinned when she had opened it, because this was the kind of art Ezra loved to paint. So she cherished it and put it up on her wall immeditely.

She was surprised by some other gifts, including a pair of funky socks with stars up and down them from Kate. Claire cursed herself for not remembering to get Kate a gift and quickly went out to buy Kate a nice pen set. Kate had loved it.

Soon after Christmas, Arnold called and asked Claire to work on the Ireland history project with him. They met at Claire's house and worked at the kitchen table together. She was extremely nervous about him being at her house, but he seemed at ease and talked politely to Claire's mother and sister.

Emily was rather taken with him, as were most girls he came across. She blushed when he said hello and kept peeking in the kitchen door to get a look at him. If Arnold noticed, he didn't say a word about it.

As they packed up their project, deciding to finish for the day, he brought up what had been on his mind. "You know, I didn't realize you were friends with Quinn."

Claire smiled. "Well, I didn't realize you were related to her. I guess we're even there."

He chuckled, neatly placing papers into their correct folders. "I guess neither of us were too eager to admit we're now related."

"Quinn is complicated." Claire said thoughtfully. "But if she was my step-sister, I'd be thrilled. She's actually a very nice person, once you get to know her."

He shrugged. "She seems to hate me, so I don't know what to do. I can't say I'm too fond of her either."

Claire tried to smile. "So I've heard."

He looked surprised, as he packed the folders away into his backpack. "So I'm guessing you've heard all about our fights?"

"A bit." Claire admitted.

He chuckled, putting caps back onto the markers he had been using to design the front over of their report. "Well, try to remember there are two sides to every story."

"I'm sorry." Claire said suddenly. "It's really none of my business anyway."

"No, it is." He said firmly. "You're friend with both of us, so you should know."

Friends with both of them? Since when were he and Claire friends, Claire wondered. She liked the thought of being his friend though.

"I think she's weird." Arnold admitted. "She came from LA, she curses like a sailor right in front of her Dad all the time, she smokes, and she always makes thtese weird jokes about me being Mr. Popular or something."

Claire listened, as they sat next to each other at the kitchen table. He took a deep brath before going on. "And I'm not thrilled that she's here, but I was willing to put up with it for my Mom. Lately though, she's been nothing but hateful and the other day, she put my car keys in the toilet. Can you believe that? It was sick."

Claire tried not to laugh, imagining Quinn doing something like that. It was the exactly the kind of thing Quinn would find funny. "You see Arnold.. Quinn feels like you guys don't want her around, thus she acts hateful. She thinks she might as well hate you right back."

He shook his head in wonder. "I don't know what we're going to do about it. I guess I'll just have to try to talk to her. As unpleasant as that sounds.."

Claire nodded. "I think that would be best. She won't listen to me when I tell her you're actually a great guy and should give you chance."

He smiled slyly. "You think I'm a great guy?"

She rolled her eyes, blushing. "So you seem to be - at times."

"Thanks." He said, looking pleased. "Thanks for listening too and not just taking her side."

"I take no sides." She grinned, as they finished putting up their Ireland project. "I'm nothing if not fair."

"You're great too." He told her before he left.

She would of collasped on the floor and shrieked with joy, but Emily was spying from the living room. Emily started making swooning motions and all afternoon, called everything and everyone she c ame across 'great.' She only stopped when Claire threatned to shave off her eyebrows in the night.

Emily knew Claire meant business too. Claire had actually done it when Emily had been in the 5th grade. Claire had been grounded for two monts, but it had been worth it to see Emily go to school with penciled in brows.

go on to part twelve..

part ten - indie jane.

2005-11-11T21:28:40Z

For a moment or two, Claire was certain that she had misheard what Quinn had just said. She stared at the face of her sad best friend, and tried to digest this new information.

"Arnold.. Stewert?" Claire asked blankly. "THE Arnold Stewert?"

Quinn nodded miserably. "The one and only."

"But.." Claire's english book dropped to the floor as she stood and paced across the room. "You never said anything to me.. and neither did he."

"I guess he doesn't want to admit to being related to a freak like me." Quinn huffed, shaking her head. "And I can't say I'm exactly thrilled about admitting to being related to such a dumbass future frat boy like him."

Claire flinched. "He isn't that bad, is he?"

"Worse." Quinn said darkly. "He doesn't even acknowledge my presence half the time, he just acts as if I'm visiting his house instead of living there. Even at the wedding, he barely said two words to me. He hates me."

"I'm sure he doesn't." Claire tried to defend him. "Maybe you guys just need time to get to know one another.."

"I don't want to know him." Quinn said, her nose in the air.

"He can be a good guy." Claire tried again.

Quinn looked at her friend suspiciously. "Why are you taking his side? I didn't realize you were so fond of him.."

"I'm not." Claire lied. "I've just.. well.. I've gone to school with him for a long time and he's always been pretty decent to me.."

"Well, that's you." Quinn sniffed. "He's entirely different to me. He acts as if I'm just some nuisance trying to break up his happy family."

Claire was very sorry to hear this about her crush. "Do you try to talk to him?"

"I did at first." Quinn stared at the wall. "Now we just act as if we can't see each other. It drives our parents crazy."

"So..." Claire said slowly. "Your Dad married his mom? That really pretty blonde, right?"

Quinn made a face. "Yeah, Joan."

"So I take it you hate her too." Claire said, sitting down on the edge of her bed next to Quinn.

"Hey, they started the whole thing." Quinn said, as if she had to defend herself. "I hate the idea of living with them, but I was being civil towards them. Then I heard them talking the other night.."

"Who talking?" Claire wanted everything to be clear.

"Arnold and his Mom." Quinn explained, her voice becoming darker every second. "They were sitting in the living room one night talking.. talking about ME, like they have that right. They were talking about how funny I dress, how I never smile, and he asked if it was possible if I could go live with someone else."

Quinn stopped talking for a moment, obviously not completely over the humilating conversation she had overheard.

"Then.." Quinn finally continued on. "I thought she would stick up for me, but she just laughed. Like this sarcastic, mocking laugh. She said no, and told Arnold that they were... 'stuck with me.'"

A few tears splashed down Quinn's face.

Claire wasn't sure what to say. "I'm sure she didn't mean it Quinn, maybe she was just joking.."

"No, she meant it." Quinn said, roughly wiping the tears off her cheek with the sleeve of her gray and red pajamas. "I could hear it in her voice. I'm not wanted there. They made that quite clear."

"What about your Dad?" Claire asked, feeling very sorry for Quinn indeed. "Did you talk to him about this?"

"He's hardly around." Quinn quickly dismissed her father. "He works most of the time, and his free time, of course, belongs to Joan. I doubt he'd care even if I told him."

Quinn took a deep breath. "I just wish my Mom was here.. when I had her, everything made sense. Now.."

Claire felt tears in her own eyes. "I wish you had her too."

Quinn tried to wipe away the now steady flow of tears coming down her cheeks.

Claire suddenly reached out for her friends hand. "And do you know I'm here for you. I know I'm not much, but I'm here."

Quinn managed to smile. "I know."

"I'm serious.. whenever they get to be too much or you just want to hang out.. you know you can always come here and stay with me for a while."

"Thanks." Quinn said, embarrased that she had let Claire see her cry for a third time now.

They then put up their homework and got ready for bed. Claire watched as Quinn curled up on her side of the bed, the covers hiding most of her face. She looked so small and afraid. Claire's heart went out to her. She could kind of understand what it felt like to belong to a family that seemed so different from yourself.. but she couldn't even start to understand what it must feel like to know the person, the mother that had meant the world to you was gone.

Claire couldn't go to sleep after their conversation and lay away for hours after. She couldn't help thinking of Arnold and what Quinn had said about him. Could he really be that cold? Claire sighed and rolled onto her stomach, trying to find a comfortable position. She would worry about that in the morning, she decided, right now she needed sleep.

Claire wasn't sure she should tell Dot what Quinn had confided the night before, but Quinn told Dot herself about Arnold and his less than welcoming family. Dot was astounded and kept looking at Claire for her reaction.

"Can you believe it?" Dot laughed, after Quinn had headed for art class and they were left alone. "She's related to Arnold, how lucky can you get?"

Claire was shocked. "That isn't the point Dot, she's really hurt by how he and his Mom are treating her. I'm really worried about her."

"Oh please." Dot impatiently waved her hand, wanting Claire to move onto the bigger picture. "She'll learn to like thtem, they'll learn to like her.. it's like that with all step famalies."

"And you would know this how?" Claire asked, the only child who's parents were still together and happy.

"I watch a lot of lifetime movies." Dot said, rolling her eyes. "Anyway, look how this pans out for you though. Think of it this way, Arnold will notice you even more once you start hanging out with Quinn at her house. He'll HAVE to get to know you then."

"I doubt it." Claire didn't like where this conversation was going. "Besides, I'm not going to use Quinn to get to her stepbrother. That's just wrong."

Dot rolled her eyes. "Fine, be that way. I wasn't saying you should use her, you know.. I was saying you should use this oppurtunity to your advantage. Plus, if you get to know Arnold really well.. there is a chance he'll get to know Quinn as well."

"You're insane." Claire informed Dot, shutting her locker door in her face.

"It's a plan." Dot said, exasperated. "You're the one who is always so desperate to become best buddies with Arnold Stewert."

"I am his world history partner, I think I'm doing just fine getting to know him." Claire said and added darkly. "Besides, I'm not sure if I would even date him now anyway.. I don't think Quinn would like that too well."

"She'd get over it." Dot shrugged.

Claire slapped her best friend on the back of her head. "Did you just happen to take an insensitivity pill today or something?"

"I doubt you'll have to worry about that though." Dot said, rubbing the back of her now sore head. "I don't think he'd date an evil wench like you anyway. That hurt!"

Claire had to laugh. "I'm sorry, but you deserved it."

Dot seemed to decide to forgive Claire and linked arms with her as they walked down the hallway together. "I was just saying.. this is the perfect reason to get to know Arnold. You've wanted to go out with him since God knows when. Don't tell me you aren't excited about maybe going to her house and maybe, by chance, running into him?"

Claire blushed. "I've thought about it.."

"Of course you have." Dot said logically. "While you are super-friend Claire, you are also human my dear."

"Ouch, sour note." Ezra cringed during an unscheduled band practice on a random Thursday. The four bandmates were warming up their vocals for 'wallflowers on tuesday' and Dot almost shattered the glass with a rather high, ear-piercing note.

"I'd say." Quinn snickered, tossing a golfball she had found on the basement floor at Dot. It bounced off the drums and headed towards Ezra. He caught it in one hand. "Nice catch.."

"C'mon, we need to practice." Ezra tried to be stern once in a while. "It's almost the new year, and we still sound like shit on Quinn's song."

"We don't, Claire does." Dot smirked.

"The vocals are hard." Claire defended herself, turning red in the face.

"She's doing fine." Quinn said, wishing she had another golf ball to toss at the drummer. "It's a really difficult song to learn, so leave her alone."

Dot made a face at their keyboardist, who made one back. They only stopped bickering when Ezra threatned to kick them out of his basement and out into the cold. It was snowing, so they decided to behave.

After a long, exhausting band session - the four friends went outside to enjoy the snow for a while. Dot ran around with her tongue hanging out, catching snowflakes and falling down because she wasn't looking where she was going. Everyone else fell down too and they all made snow angels in the pure, untouched snow in Ezra's backyard.

"It was so pretty before we messed it up." Dot said, somewhat sad that they had messed up the perfect sheets of white, glittering snow. Now it was filled with random boot prints and snow angels.. and one snow devil, made by Quinn.

"It'll be fresh and new in the morning." Ezra assured her, stuffing snow down the collar of her jacket and making her squeal.

"Maybe we won't have school tomorrow." Quinn said hopefully, tracing her name in the snow with her pinky finger.

"I hope we do." Claire said. "I have tons of research to do for my history project."

Quinn looked interested. "What are you doing your project on?"

"Ireland." Claire told her, feeling uneasy. She hadn't yet told Quinn she exactly she was working with. She was afraid it might upset her.

"Oh, cool." Quinn said vaguely. "So is Arnold. He said something about it yesterday, I think.."

"Yeah, we're working together." Claire admitted.

Quinn looked surprised, as she finished writing her name in the snow. "Oh? I didn't know. I hope he's not making you do all the work, his Mom says he slacks off in history."

"He's doing fine." Claire said honestly. "We work together on it during study hall sometimes, but mainly we do our work sepertly. He's a research geek now."

"Ah." Quinn stood up and brushed the snow off of the knees of her black pants. "Did he.. ask you to be his partner?"

"I asked him." Claire admitted, knowing very well she was blushing now.

Quinn looked a trifle displeased, but she quickly recovered and threw a snowball at Claire as if punishing her for her minor crime. Then, raising her arms in the air, yelled: "SNOW WAR!"

So they forgot their troubles for the afternoon, building faulty snow forts and pelting each other with snowballs. Ezra wanted to build an igloo, but since he soon learned he didn't know how, he contented himself with being buried in the snow that was now up to their knees.

Later that night, Ezra's mom fixed them hot chocolate and they all sat together in front of the stove, trying to warm up. Jude joined them, sitting down between Claire and Quinn. He timidly reached out and gently brushed off the snow that was still clinging to the shoulder of Claire's red sweater.

"Snow." He explained, when she looked to see what he was doing.

"Oh." She said, while smiling slightly uneasily, then went back to chatting with her friends.

He blushed and then went to refill his cup of hot chocolate.

"So how is the comic coming? Jude won't tell me much about it." Ezra asked Quinn in the lunch line, they were waiting for more french fries to be made.

"Really good." Quinn said, while leaning against the brick wall and trying to ignore her rumbling tummy. She was starving for french fries.

"Is that all the information I'm going to get?" Teased Ezra, although he felt a bit left out of Jude's new project.

"I don't have much to do with it." Quinn admitted. "I help him write it, but he's the real artist. I just help out."

"He's a spectacular artist, isn't he?" Ezra said quietly, seeing his cousin across the room and wishing he didn't feel so jealous of this new comic project.

"Yes he is." Quinn agreed. "He's just a good guy in general too. Does he still like Claire?"

"So you know about his Claire crush?" Ezra inquired.

"Who doesn't?" Quinn asked, a bit of a smirk on her face. "You'd have to be blind not to see it.. or just not want to see it. Like Claire."

"She knows he likes her." Ezra told Quinn. "She doesn't like him."

Quinn shook her head in wonder. "Crazy girl..."

Quinn stopped and looked around the cafeteria, as if trying to spot someone among the busy crowd. "And speaking of Claire, where is she?"

Arnold and Claire were supposed to be doing some research about life in Ireland in the 1800's, but insted they were sitting in the back of the library and checking out Exit 77's new webpage. It was designed by none other than Kate.

"She did a great job." Claire said, feeling a twinge of envy. "It's clean and neat, yet well-designed. She really knows what she's doing."

"It's already gotten us booked for a few weddings outside of Davidson - actual paying jobs!" Arnold beamed, showing Claire the music page where you could download all their music. "Kate is a freaking genius sometimes."

Claire tried to smile. "Yes she is."

"She even helped us get the gig at the Arcade." He informed Claire. "She's related to the owner.. have you seen us play there?"

"No, I'm not really famalier with the Arcade." Admitted Claire, she honestly didn't particulary like hanging out at the arcade. It was well-known as the place where all the popular kids liked to park their cars and waste their time loitering with friends. Claire didn't even have a car.

"You have to come sometime." He ordered her. "It's an amazing place, and theres always a fun crowd.. you'd like it."

"I'm sure." Claire wished she could say. Instead she just nodded, as if agreeing with him.

Finally they started on their project and got a a decent amount of work done. Sine Arnold had such neat penmanship, he designed the front cover of their project and wrote out their finished drafts on unlined paper. They wanted to get as much done as possible, since it was the day before Christmas break began.

"We're getting close to being finished." He said, as they wrapped up their research for the day and headed towards their next class. "If we really want to finish before January though, we could work on it some during Christmas break. If that's OK with you.."

Claire nodded. "Um, yeah.. we could do that, I suppose."

"Cool." He said. "I could call you and we could set up a time."

"... Ok." She said, her throat suddenly very dry.

She write her phone number down on a slip of paper and he stuffed it into his binder for safekeeping. "Ok then, I'll call you sometime and we can finish up this damn thing. Have a good break, Claire."

She gave him a weak smile. "You too."

She watched him go to his next class and she collasped against the cold blue lockers once he was out of sight, a big smile on her face.

"What are you smiling like a goon about?" Quinn asked, coming out of nowhere and poking Claire in the stomach.

Claire jumped in surprise. "Oh, nothing.. school is almost over, I'm happy Christmas Break is here."

"Yep, weeks off of school. Heaven." Quinn said, sighing happily. "I'm going to sleep in and eat like a pig. Although, the break does mean I'll have to spend time with my family... if you could even call them that."

She made a face that had Claire laughing. "Oh, you'll just ignore them like you do everyone else. Besides, I'll be lazy and piggy with you."

As they walked down the hallway, Quinn noticed Claire had her Ireland project with her. "So.. were you working on the report with Arnold during lunch?"

Claire nodded. "Yeah, we want to get it finished as quick as we can. We're, uh, going to try to work on it sometime during Christmas break maybe. He said he'd call and let me know."

Quinn didn't look too pleased about this. "Hmm."

"We don't have much to do." Claire assured Quinn. "Besides, it's just a project we're working on.. it isn't like we're going out on a date or something."

Quinn shuddered. "God, I'd hope not.. could you imagine? Ew."

Claire tried to smile. "Yeah.. ew."

Then the bell rang and they rushed to class... and rushing Claire out of yet another of her awkward moments. They were becoming alarmingly frequent..

Later that night Quinn had dinner with her family, and while they talked about their days - she stared at her plate and wished she could eat her food up in her room, like a normal person. She hated these family dinners Ezra's Mom dragged them into.

"How was your day Quinn?" Joan finally asked, after hearing all about Arnold's own band practice. Apparently they had a few weddings booked to play. She hated Exit 77 even more after she heard that.

"I had a snow fight." Quinn said vaguely, poking the peas on her plate with her fork and eating the ones she managed to spear.

"Oh!" Joan tried to sound interested. "With some friends of yours?"

She looked up to see Arnold and his mother were both surprised that Quinn actually had friends. "No actually, I just threw snow at myself and ran around in the yard."

Joan flinched. "I just didn't know you had made friends yet, except for the girl you spend the night with sometimes. What's her name again?"

"Claire." Quinn replied, going back to stabbing the peas on her plate. It was much more interesting to her than this conversation she was unwillingly having. She didn't need Arnold's mother to pretend she cared about Quinn's life.

Arnold almost choked on the water he had been attempting to drink. "Claire Wilson? You're friends with her?"

"Uh, yeah." Quinn said, eyes narrowed. "I only sit with her at choir every day and eat lunch with her every single day."

Arnold looked uneasy. "I just didn't realize.."

"She's my best friend actually." Quinn went on, wanting to make everything perfectly clear.

"What's she like?" Joan dared to venture. "Do you know her friend Arnold?"

"Yeah." He nodded. "She's.. er.. cool."

"She's the best." Quinn said, her voice icy. "She isn't just 'cool.' You barely know her."

"I'm partners with her in history." He said, looking offended. "And I've gone to school with her for a long time. Of course I know her."

"Not really though." Quinn said. "We don't really hang with the same crowds. You, Mr. Popular... us, the losers."

"I'm sure it isn't like that." Joan tried to save the conversation.

"It is." Quinn said finally.

The table went silent, as they continued eating their dinner. The only sound that could be heard was the clink of silverware and the faint sounds of chewing. It was so stifled and the air was filled with tension. Quinn couldn't wait to leave and go to her room.

"Why she would want to be friends with you, is beyond me." Arnold muttered under his breath, breaking the silence. He said it quietly but just loud enough so that the whole table heard what he had said.

"Arnold." Joan's voice was sharp. "That was uncalled for. Please go to your room."

He looked shocked. "But she started it!"

"I'm ending it." Joan said, her voice calm but stern. You knew she meant business.

"Fine." He slammed his fork down on the table and it shook, knocking over two water glasses. He walked up the stairs, giving Quinn one last look of loathing.

"I'm sorry." Joan said to Quinn. "He didn't mean it."

"Yes he did." Quinn said matter-of-factly.

"Let's just forget it and finish out dinner." Joan said, getting a towel to dry up the spilled water. "Tell me more about your day..."

Quinn groaned inwardly, why did Arnold get to go to his room, and Quinn had to stay down here? Talk about punishment. They really must hate her.

go to part 11..

part nine - indie jane.

2005-11-11T01:04:33Z

The only class Claire had alone with Arnold was World History. There was no Dot to make rude comments, no Ezra to make fake fart noises, and no Quinn to harrass all the other students.

It was just Claire sitting in the seat behind Arnold, way in the back of the room, staring at his wavy hair and the occasional piece of lint on his t-shirt. Always vintage, of course. He occasionally turned around and made some sort of comment about how hard the last test was. Maybe ask Claire for a piece of gum and occasionally giving her a piece of his own. If she was lucky, he would tell her how much he liked her shoes. He had told complimented the same pair of sneakers three times now. He seemed to forget.

"Whoa, nice shoes." He would say, pointing to her favorite beat-up green sneakers that she had worn to mow the grass all last summer. They were signed by all of her friends and had "INDIE JANE" written on the toes.

"Thanks." She would smile, not bothering to remind him he had already complimented the shoes before. She didn't care. It was just nice to see him smile at her, and ask where she had gotten them.

"They have to be made this way." She would laugh. "You have to kick the shit out of brand-new shoes, and then.. they can be called sneaks."

"Ah." He would nod wisely and as always, look at his own shoes. He regulary wore red sneakers or brown sandals in the summer that looked as if they had been through a lot. He looked dissapointed in his own choice of footwear.

"Your shoes are a lot cooler." He informed her each time.

This time when he complimented her shoes, she decided to tell him he had already. He blushed and shook his head, looking slighty embarrased. "No I didn't... did I?"

"Yep." She smiled, as their World History teacher Mr. Blanton sat at his desk and graded their latest quiz papers. "If they fit you, I'd let you have them. Since you seem to like them so much."

"I keep meaning to get a pair of my own and beat them up like that." He sighed, studying her sneakers. "What's written on the toes?"

"Indie Jane." She blushed, lifting up her foot so he could get a better look.

"What's that?" He asked curiously.

"Just something Dot wrote." She shrugged, nervously tapping her fingers on the back of his chair. "It's nothing."

"Can I sign them?" He asked, noticing that she had signatures all up and down the sides of her sneakers.

"If you can find a place." She laughed, the sneakers were pretty crowded already. Ezra had drawn a blue alien on one side, Dot had scribbled in numerous places on both shoes, Jude had drawn her a special comic book character along with his name, and Quinn had drawn a bat on both heels. A few other people had signed the falling apart sneakers as well, mainly people from the summer camp Claire had attended the previous summer.

"I think I can find a place." And before she knew it, Arnold had grabbed a hold of her right ankle and hoisted her foot onto his lap. She was in shock as he looked around her shoe and decided on a small blank space on the outer side of her right sneaker.

"There. Found a place." He said and using a red ink pen, scribbled his name on her shoe. "Someday, when Exit 77 is famous.. you can prove you knew me when with this signature."

He laughed to show her he was just kidding, and finished his signature with a smiley face with its tongue hanging out. He still had a hold of her ankle, his hand holding on right over her pink penguin sock.

"Nice socks." He told her, finally setting her right sneaker free. She took back her foot, the feel of his warm hand still with her. "I didn't know you liked penguins. You used to wear those monkey socks all the time..."

She was surprised, during her freshman year she had owned a few pairs of socks decorated with different colored monkeys, and every time she wore them during gym class, he had pointed them out and had started making monkey noises. "I can't believe you remember that.."

"Of course." He said, grinning. "Those were the coolest socks ever."

He didn't say anything else for a while, instead he went back to sketching random things on the face of his desk and humming what sounded like an Exit 77 tune. She tried to find the words, knowing this was her moment to ask him what she had been wanting to for weeks.

She blushed. "Um... Arnold?"

He looked up from his pencil sketch of what was starting to look like a GI Joe. "Yuhuh?"

She nervously played with the strap of her backpack as she spoke. "Um... do you want to be partners in the world history project?"

Mr. Blanton had informed them the previous week that they were to seriously consider a country they wanted to study with another partner for a few months and get back to him by Friday with who they wanted to study with - and which country they wanted to research for their special report. Claire had actually been thinking of asking Arnold to the dance, but had chickened out at last minute. This was just as good, she tried to tell herself.. right?

He looked surprised. "Really? You want to be partners with me? You do know I'm near flunking this class, right?"

She smiled. "Well, I'm a World History nerd.. so I could help you with that."

"Well, sure." He said, a grin spreading across his face. "What country did you have in mind?"

"You pick." She said, feeling too faint to think.

"Ireland." He finally decided, after a moment of careful deliberation. "Does that sound ok to you?"

"Sounds perfect." She said, beaming.

He nodded, looking pleased. "I wasn't looking forward to this assignment, but now it looks like it could be fun.. working with you, I mean."

She tried not to fall out of her chair. "Mmmhm."

She had won the bet with Dot, she realized. She had won Dot's favorite pair of "comfy jeans," Claire gloated silently to hersef. More importantly though, Arnold had said yes. She was officially Arnold's partner.

At least for a month or two.

"I don't think you truly won, but I'll let you get by this time." Dot smirked, as Claire tried on her new 'comfy jeans' that she had won in their bet. Claire pranced around in the faded old jeans that the girls both adored. They now belonged to Claire.

"Of course I won fair and squaire." Claire fought, stopping in front of Dot's full length bedroom mirror and checking herself out for a moment. "I asked him to be my World History partner.. thus.. getting him to notice me."

"You asked him to be your study buddy basically." Dot smirked, throwing herself down on her bed and flipping through the pages of her 'zine "Indie Stars" that she self-published every other month.
Barely anyone read it but their small group of friends.. and whoever came upon it at jiffy mart, where you could pick up a copy for free.

"So?" Claire said, offended. "I asked him myself, and he said yes. That means we shall be spending time together. Tadah."

"Well, it isn't like you asked him to the dance." Dot said. "It won't be romantic, you guys will be researching Ireland history facts and fighting over who does what on the assignment.. he'll probably make you do most of the work too."

Claire rolled her eyes, and did a few turns in front of the glass to see how she looked in her new jeans. "Whatever, I asked him and he said yes. You're just jealous that I got your jeans."

Dot didn't look up from her magazine. "Well, they're too long on you anyway.. you have to roll them up at least five times, shortie."

"I'm going to cut them, and make them fit me." Claire informed her friend.

Dot pretended to gasp in horror. "Not my beloved jeans!"

"They're mine now." Claire smiled smugly. "I can do what I want with them."

"Whatever." Dot said, going back to her magazine. "I don't care.. just let me do it for you. You suck with scissors. I swear you never learned how to use them in preschool...."

Claire sat down next to Dot on the bed. Claire looked at her friend thoughtfully. "So, you think he'll stick me with all the work eh?"

Dot shrugged, not looking too concerned as she flipped through the pages of her 'zine. "Just don't let him step all over you, and not do his share.. make him really try on this assignment. You'll get to spend more time with him, and plus you'll get a good grade. Nifty eh?"

Claire gave her best friend a spontaneous hug. "I love you Dot."

Dot looked up from her magazine and smirked. "Then give me my jeans back, brat."

"Nope." Claire smiled, stretching out on the bed and admiring the affect the jeans had on her legs. They looked longer and thinner somehow in this particular denim. "I don't love you that much. Plus they look so much cuter on me."

They shared a smile and started talking about a much more interesting subjects.

"Do you realize that in all these months we've known Quinn... we've never met her family." Ezra said thoughtfully, as the orginal gang all sat together during lunch and waited for their newest member Quinn to join them.

"So what?" Dot wasn't too concerned. "She doesn't like her family, so maybe she doesn't want us to meet them. That's her descision."

"I didn't say it wasn't, I just think it's weird." Ezra said. "Do you think maybe they're aliens or something?"

Claire saw that old mad gleam in his eyes, Ezra loved to pretend people were secretly aliens or something interesting like FBI agents undercover. She had to laugh. "Uh, no. I saw her Dad that one day in the office when she was yelling at him and Mr. Watson. He looked very normal and un-alien like."

"That's what the all look like at first." Ezra nodded. "Then.. they start sprouting extra eyeballs and purple tentacles."

Dot reached for Ezra's fourth Mt. Dew. "I think you've had enough Ezzie baby."

He rolled his eyes. "I'm just trying to come up with some theories here.. do you think they're just so awful that she doesn't want us to meet them? Or maybe we're so awful she doesn't want them to meet us?"

"I really don't care." Dot said, taking a large gulp from the stolen Mt. Dew. "I don't want to meet her parents anyway. Parents don't like me. Like yours.."

Ezra smirked. "They like you, they just like Claire better."

Dot smacked him upside the head. "Shut up, nosepicker."

"I don't think we should bug Quinn about meeting anyone." Claire warned. "She's sensitive about her family as it is. Apparently she has the step family from hell.. she won't say much about them, but I know she doesn't like them very wewll."

"Poor kid." Dot said sympathetically. "I'd hate to have some evil step family."

"Do you think they're as bad as in Cinderella?" Ezra wondered outloud.

Dot and Claire looked at one another. "Uh.."

"It could be a whole new kind of Cinderella.." He went on, not minding their sudden silence. "The Goth version of Cinderella, starring Quinn Gregory as Cinderella."

"I don't think she'd go for that." Dot said conversationally.

"And starring Dot Hamilton as one of the ugly step sisters.." Ezra said in a phony announcers voice, acting as if Dot hadn't just spoken. "And Claire Wilson as Lucifer the kitty."

"Hey!" Dot smacked him on the leg. She could be rather abusive at times. "I'm not playing an ugly step sister.."

"Well, what else could you be?" Ezra asked, acting as if he was actually casting a real movie. "You could be the step-mother, a mouse, er.. You can't be the prince, that will be me."

Dot scoffed. "You? The Prince? Oh please. Well, at least you aren't type casting, I suppose."

Claire listened to them battle with a smile on her face, she looked across the cafeteria and finally spotted Quinn. She was standing in the lunch line talking to Jude, they were both holding sketchbooks and looking excited. She wondered what they were talking about..

After Dot had informed Ezra that he would play the fat mouse Gus in their pretend movie version of Cinderella, Jude and Quinn made their way to the lunch table. Quinn sat down first, looking flushed. "Guess what?"

"What?" Claire asked, stealing a chicken nugget off of Quinn's tray.

"Jude and I are going to do a comic for the school newspaper." Quinn beamed. "We've sketched out the characters, and we wrote a few frames already.. we just need a name for it now."

"Wow." Claire was impressed. She knew how much they both liked comics. "What's it about?"

"Just a regular guy in high school." Jude explained, his eyes bright as he saw how impressed Claire was. "Like.. well, me actually. Kind of awkward, geeky, but-"

"Yet cool." Quinn cut in. "It's nothing way out there, but it has promise. I'm really excited about it."

"I can tell." Claire smiled. "Congrats you guys, our school newspaper is pretty pick about what they put in it. Your comic must be great."

Jude shrugged humbly. "I hope. Once we finish some more frames, you guys can have a look if you want."

"Of course." Ezra said, looking slightly envious. He was into art too, after all. "I suggested a comic last year and they denied it.. you two must have something special."

Quinn didn't seem to notice his envy. "I hope so. He'll have friends based on all of us too. I can't wait to get started."

It turned out they couldn't wait, so soon after Quinn and Jude wolfed down their lunch; they headed towards the newspaper staff room to work on their new comic. Ezra sat picking at his food after they left, looking moody.

"Don't worry Ez, you're more than a comic book guy.. you're an artist." Claire told Ezra. "Besides, look how happy Jude is."

"I guess." Ezra sighed. "He just seems to be getting everywhere pretty fast.. he's in a popular band, he gets good grades, he's on the newspaper staff.. geez."

He looked so sad, Dot didn't even make fun of him for having cheeto dust all down his front. "Do you want me to get you another Mt. Dew, love? It might cheer you up."

Ezra shrugged. "If you want... make it two Mt. Dew's actually."

So the girls got him another caffeine boost and in no time, he was back to his normal cheery self. He leaned back in his chair and plotted gleefully. "He may have a comic in the newspaper, but at least my band will kick his band's ass in May."

"And you have a hot girlfriend - and he doesn't." Claire reminded him.

Ezra swung an arm around Dot's shoulder. "Yes, I have my giant of a hot girlfriend. My woman."

Dot then punched him on the arm so hard he yelped.

After band practice the next Monday, as always, Quinn stayed the night at Claire's. It was slowly becoming tradition, and soon Quinn was like part of the family. Even though Quinn hated questions about her own, she wanted to know more about Claire.

"So, where is your Dad?" Quinn asked that particular Monday night, as the two girls sat up in Claire's room and tried to finish up their short stories for Advanced English.

Claire was surprised at this sudden question. "Well, he and my Mom divorced a few years ago. He lives about a half an hour away in Sullivan.. that's a town or so over from here."

"Ah." Quinn said, digesting this new information. "Do you like him"

Claire shrugged. "I don't hate him, but I don't really know him.. so I can't say. I usually just see him on the occasional weekend."

"What's he like?" Quinn questioned further. "You must know, he's your Dad after all."

"What with all the questions?" Claire had to laugh.

Quinn blushed. "I don't know, I just thought since we're friends.. we should know SOME things about each other."

Claire agreed. "Well, ok."

"So, what is he like?" Quinn questioned again.

Claire honestly didn't know for sure. "Um.. well, very normal, strict.. I don't know. I think he likes the idea of having kids more than he likes us. He has our pictures on his shelves, but.."

"I get it." Quinn said, when Claire was at a loss for words at the end. "Dad's suck. Mine is even worse, he cares too much. About his new family mainly."

"What are they like?" Claire dared to ask. "I mean, since we're getting to knoe each other anad all.. I don't mean to pry.."

Quinn saw Claire's unease. "It's ok. You can ask me stuff. I won't bite your head off."

Claire relaxed. "Well... So?"

Quinn stared at her blank notebook. "Eh, they're a pretty normal bunch.. really bland actually. I can't say I like them, personally."

Claire titled her head to one side. "Are they mean to you or anything?"

"No." Quinn assured her. ".. well.. maybe this will sound stupid.. but I can just tell they would rather not have me around."

"Tell how?" Claire asked, feeling sad for her good friend. She sounded so uhappy.

"I can just tell." Quinn sighed. "Like I'm interupting their lives.. their happy family. They all act like I'm such a nuisance. Especially him."

"Him?" Claire questioned, not sure who Quinn was talking about.

"Arnold." Quinn explained. "Arnold Stewert. My step-brother."

move onto part ten..

part eight - indie jane.

2005-11-07T22:14:08Z

After band practice on Monday, Quinn started spending the night at Claire's. Their parents didn't mind because they still got up for school on time and helped each other with their homework. The only person who did mind was Claire's little sister Emily, who swore that Quinn was a gangster and would kill them all in their sleep.

"She isn't in a gang." Claire laughed. "She just had some rough friends back in LA."

Emily had shook her head in disbelief. "That's not what the word around school is. Apparently she was arrested twice for shoplifting too."

"Back a year or so ago." Claire was unconcerned. "And it was for minor stuff, like bracelets and junk. Quinn is tough, but she isn't dangerous or anything."

Claire had grown quite fond of her new Gothic friend. They connected in a way Claire couldn't explain, they didn't have a lot incommon and disagreed on many things, but they had quickly become best friends.

"Ew, put that out." Claire said, as she and Quinn walked home from choir practice one Thursday night. Quinn had pulled out a ciggerete and blew the smoke up into the air.

"I need one." Quinn explained calmly, the ciggerete glowing in the darkness. "I hate choir, it stresses me out."

"Then why did you join?" Claire wondered, walking a bit away from Quinn. She hated the smell of smoke.

"Because you did." Quinn shrugged. "And it takes up one hour of my class schedule."

"What's to hate about choir though?" Claire wondered. "Everyone is pretty nice, and the songs aren't that hard to learn.."

"The songs." Quinn made a face. "I hate all those smultzy Christmas songs. They're so played out."

Claire smiled. "I always thought so too.. but it's Mrs. Fields choice."

"They really should ban them." Quinn said, taking a long drag of the cancer stick, as Claire called it, in her hand. "Not everyone in Davidson High School is christian most likely, why should everyone have to sing about Jesus and coming home for Christmas and junk like that?"

Claire shrugged. "I don't think anyone takes the songs too seriously, you just learn the crap and get an A for trying. It's an easy pass."

Quinn dropped the ciggerete on the pavement and ground it into the road with her black boot. "Well, someone should say something. If we sing about Jesus, we should have songs from other religions as well."

"You sound like Dot." Claire smiled. "I don't see why you guys don't get along, you both have a lot of the same ideas."

Quinn made a face. "Dot is nothing like me."

Claire shrugged in the darkness. "You guys have me incommon."

"True." Quinn admitted, as they reached Claire's house. Quinn lived on the other side of the block, although Claire had never been to her house. Quinn liked to keep her home life private.
"And you have the band incommon." Claire said, leaning against her mailbox. "And you guys are both really orginal.."

"I get it." Quinn said, giving Claire a playful slap on the head. "As much as I would love to continue this amazing conversation, I have to get home. My Dad wants me to clean up my room."

Quinn made a face as she spoke, like cleaning would be the death of her.

"Have fun." Claire grinned, waving goodbye to her friend and running up the steps to her house.

Dot and Quinn didn't hate each other, but they sure disagreed on a lot of things. They got into at least two disagreements every band practice, and Ezra had to pull them off one another on one incident. Quinn had insulted a song Dot had wrote and Dot had ended up lunging at Quinn. No one was harmed, except for Dot's pink drum set.

Ezra didn't get along too well with Quinn either, but they tolerated one another mainly because they were both artists. Quinn sketched and Ezra painted, so they had that to talk about. Quinn didn't really admire Ezra's art, but she respected him for trying. Ezra thought Quinn's sketches of the band were brilliant, but he would never say so outloud. Dot might kill him for praising the enemy, after all.

On a Monday in late November, they all agreed on something though. They finally had picked out the three songs they would play at the talent show. 'Wallflowers on Tuesday' that was written by Claire, a yet untitled song by Quinn, and 'About Jane' which was written by the whole band. They had also decided that 'About Jane' was to be their anthem.

"We're going to kill at that talent show." Dot said, her eyes shining as they laid out the three sheets of music in front of them. "So, we all agree that these are the songs we want to play?"

"Yes." Claire said with a decided nod.

"Why not." Laid-back Ezra replied.

"We have to practice our asses off, but yeah." Quinn said, with a touch of emotion in her voice. She rarely showed her soft side, so this obviously meant something to her. "I can't believe a band that I'm in is going to play a song I wrote."

"It's an amazing song." Claire beamed, leaning over Quinn to see the song sheets. "We haven't perfected it yet, but we have enough time to get it down."

So that band meeting ended in a group hug, although they had to chase Quinn down and get her to hug them. She had cringed while doing so, but they could tell she was actually happy about it. The girls all walked home together, dropping Dot off at her house next door and the other two girls went back to Claire's house.

Emily was setting the table when they came in through the kitchen door and she openly cringed at the sight of Quinn. "Dinner is almost ready.. is she staying here again?"

"Yes she is." Claire said, giving Emily a slap on the shoulder. "I expect you to be nice to her, she's our guest."

Emily rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

"Ah, to be thirteen again." Quinn joked, helping the two sisters set the dinner table. She playfully poked Emily in the side with a fork. "There isn't enough money in the world to make me want to be thirteen ever again."

"Same here." Claire chuckled. "I had horrible bangs, pimples all over, and glasses so big they looked like I had gotten them at a joke shop. I wrote looney toon shirts all the time too for some reason.."

Quinn handed Claire five glasses to set on the table. "I was in a tomboy phase when I was thirteen, it was all basketball jerseys and baggy jeans for me. I seriously look like a boy in my 7th grade picture."

"Too bad you guys haven't improved much over the years." Emily said snidely, pushing past Claire to get the soda out of the fridge.

"Hey, be nice to us young lady." Quinn warned. "I'll send my LA gang after you, if you aren't."

Emily stared at Claire accusingly. "You told her what I say? You snitch!"

"It was funny, I had to." Claire snickered, getting out the napkins and placing them on the plates. "You can't believe everything you hear at Davidson High School Em, you really can't."

"I hear that's why you had to move here." Emily confided to Quinn. "Because you were part of some chick gang and messed up on drugs... is that true?"

"No." Quinn said honestly, leaning forward with her hands on the table and looking directly at Emily. "I moved here because my Dad got remarried. I'm not a druggie or a former gang member. Got it?"

"Got it." Emily said, looking a trifle scared of the small but strong girl in front of her.

"Good." Quinn said, giving Emily a rare smile. "So, what's for dinner? Whatever it is, it smells good."

"I'm telling you, she's dangerous." Emily spoke in a whisper to Claire after dinner, the two girls were washing the plates together. "Did you see the way she stared at me? Do you think she was putting some silent curse on me or something?"

Claire burst out laughing. "Wait a minute, I thought you said she was a gangster. Now she's a witch or something?"

Emily shrugged. "I don't know, something is up with her though."

"Listen." Claire said seriously. "She's had a hard life, her parents went through a really rocky divorce and then she lost her Mom. She isn't dangerous, she's just.. a bit angry at the world sometimes."

Emily rolled her eyes. "Well, I still don't like her. I feel sorry for her, but.."

"You'll be nice to her because she is my friend." Claire told her little sister. "Got it?"

Emily was startled by the harshness of her sister's words. "Got it."

"Good." Claire said. "Now finish washing up the plates so we can watch the movie we rented."

Emily rolled her eyes again, but didn't say anything.

"You know, if you keep rolling your eyes so much - someday, they're just going to stay that way." Claire warned.

"You sound exactly like Mom when you say things like that." Emily said, shaking her head in wonder.

Claire shuddered and the conversation ended with a laugh.

Claire's geometry grades started to improve as she started studying with Ms. Mathlete herself Kate every week. They always studied at Kate house, and always ended up spending at least half the time talking about things not math related. Like Arnold for instance. Kate had tons of pictures of the popular junior and she showed them all to Claire.

"This is us at Winter Formal last year." Kate said, going through a photo album Kate kept of all her high school chums. "He wore his tux with.."

"Sneakers." Claire finished. "Yeah, I was there. He was the talk of the dance."

"Oh, you went?" Kate looked surprised.

"Yeah, with David Patowski." Claire explained.

Kate couldn't seem to remember the sweet kid in glasses that had meant so much to Claire. "I can't seem to picture him.."

Claire shrugged. "He was in chess club, not really popular or anything.. I doubt you knew him."

Kate snapped her fingers. "Oh yeah, I remember him now. The chess guy who always wore those really geeky sweaters.."

She stopped, embarrased. "Sorry."

"It's ok, he was a geek." A smile appeared on Claire's face. "That's why I liked him."

"So what happened to him?" Kate asked, aimlessly flipping through the photo book in front of her.

"He moved." Claire explained.

"Too bad." Kate was sympathetic. "Did you really like him?"

Claire nodded. "Yeah, oddly enough.. we were friends for a long time and he just suddenly asked me out one day. First and last time that ever happened.."

Kate smiled. "Oh please, you're cute and smart. I'm sure there are plenty of other guys..."

She saw Claire looking at the picture of Arnold with his arm around Kate's waist. "Or... maybe you don't want other guys. Just that one."

Claire blushed. "I don't know what it is about him. I know it probably sounds stupid, but I've always felt he was special, for some reason."

"He is." Kate said, smiling at the picture. "But there are other special guys too. Not that Arnold would't like, you of course.. I'm just saying incase it wouldn't work out between you two."

"It won't." Claire shrugged, bringing her knees up to her chest and hugging them.

"Because you are a wimp, my dear." Kate said, swatting Claire on the hand. "You can't just wait around for him to notice you, you have to make him."

"Is that what you did?" Claire asked point blank.

Kate blushed. "Well, no.. he asked me.."

"Of course he did." Claire smirked. "You're Kate Arthur. Who wouldn't?"

"Am I really that bad?" Kate suddenly asked. "Do people really see me as this perfect, know-it-all?"

She looked truly hurt by this idea, Claire couldn't understand why. "People like you Kate, they admire you. Being known as a know-it-all, isn't a bad thing."

Kate twirled a strand of her silk hair, looking troubled. "Anyway.. back to you.. the winter formal is coming up. This would be the perfect time to ask Arnold before anyone else does. Like a certain redheaded Soprano girl.."

Claire shook her head with a laugh. "I don't think so. If he wants to go with Megan.."

"Oh, Arnold doesn't know what he wants." Kate said, a bit irritated by Claire's lack of confidence. "You have to show him it's you that he should want. That is the secret of my success."

They both laughed and the subject dropped, they went back to their geometry studies. Claire could barely concentrate on problem 27 though, she was too busy thinking of what Kate had said.

You have to show him it's you..

"I've been telling you the same thing for years." Dot complained during choir class as they rested their feet on the back of the chairs in front of them. "How come you never took my advice before, but you take hers to heart?"

Claire shrugged. "You never said it the way she did. It really made me think about making a move. Maybe because she had experrience with.."

"Arnold himself." Dot laughed. "Ew."

Claire shot Dot a dirty look. "They dated a year, but they weren't totally serious. She said they were more like friends than anything."

"Friends that made out." Dot shot back, still laughing. "Although I can't really imagine Ms. Arthur making out with anyone really.. it might mess up her perfect hair. God forbid."

Claire ignored her best friend's taunts. "Well, sometime this week.. I'm going to do something about my Arnold crush. I don't know when or what yet, but I will."

"Wanna bet?" Dot asked, arching her eyebrows.

"On what?" Claire laughed. "That I'll get his phone number or something?"

"No, that you'll actually do something to get him to notice you." Dot said, and then she accidently hit the owner of the chair in front of her with her limegreen sneakers. "Oops, sorry 'bout that..."

"Ok." Claire said, grinning. "What do you want to bet? Money?"

Dot made a face. "Money is so boring. I bet you your pink polka dot tights that you don't do anything at all... and if you do, by chance, I'll give you my favorite pair of jeans you admire so much."

Claire nodded in agreement. "Deal."

Quinn, who had been learning the new songs with the other sopranos, came back from her practice session and sat down in the seat next to Claire's. "What's a deal?"

"Nothing." Dot smirked, looking mighty pleased with herself. She thought she had this bet in the bag already.

"Yeah.." Claire said vaguely, she hadn't told Quinn yet about her crush. They hadn't known one another long enough, she had decided. She didn't know why, but she felt wary about telling her new best friend this particular piece of information.

"That kid is such a showoff." Quinn said suddenly, as if reading who was on Claire's mind. She pointed out Arnold, who was doing impersonations of random famous people in front of a crowd in the back of the choir room. His audience roared with laughter at every one of them.

"Hmm." Claire answered.

"He really is." Quinn said, a dark look on her face. "He isn't even all that funny, they're just laughing because he's popular. They want him to like them. It's pathetic."

"So, I gather you've met Mr. Arnold, eh?" Dot asked, for once agreeing with Quinn on something.

"Sadly." Was all that Quinn said.

"He isn't so bad, I suppose. He can be a nice guy." Dot said airly. "Although he's in a lousy band and everyone in school kisses his ass because of that very reason."

"I can't stand that band." Quinn replied, her arms crossed and her eyes on Arnold, looking as if she was going to be sick.

"We can't either." Dot said, refering to herself and Ezra. "We put up with them only because Jude plays for them."

"Jude is nice." Quinn admitted. "I don't see what he sees in those guys though. Their music is.."

She shuddered.

Dot laughed. "God, I know. They should be shot for actually considering the crap they play punk. It's enough to make a person ill."

The two girls snickered gleefully, and were both amazed they had yet another thing incommon. A hate for the band known as Exit 77.

Claire was thoughtful. "When did you hear Exit 77 play Quinn? I didn't realize that they played any other shows since the Halloween one."

Quinn colored slightly. "Oh.. at the Arcade. They play there sometimes, right?"

Claire couldn't understand what was going on, but decided to leave Quinn alone about it. "Yeah.. they do."

"They sounded like shit." Quinn said. "I can't stand Arnold's voice.."

"He isn't so bad." Claire said in a soft voice, while looking at her shoes.

"Yes, he is." Quinn said, still staring at him.

"We should play at the arcade after the talent show." Dot said, wanting to get off the subject of Exit 77. "I think that crowd would like us."

"They'd probably be happy with anything after Exit 77." Quin snickered.

"Probably." Dot laughed. "I'll have to tell Ez that one.."

Claire rolled her eyes.

"Hey Claire, are you in trouble again?" Jude asked with an easy smile, as he ran into Claire int he office. She was waiting in a line at the secretary's desk.

"Nah, I can't seem to get into my locker." She explained. "I'm horrible at remembering my code.. stupid, huh?"

"You should write it down somewhere." He informed her, taking a place in line right behind her.

"I guess so." She sighed. "I suddenly blanked and can't remember the last numbers. What are you here for anyway?"

"I missed yesterday." He said bashfully. "I need to get my excuse signed."

She nodded. "Yeah, Ez told us you had a stomach bug or something. Are you feeling ok?"

"I'm fine." He told her in a low voice. "I just didn't want to come to school yesterday."

She burst out laughing. "Wow, you're a troublemaker Jude."

He looked embarrased, standing with his hands in his pockets as he stared at his shoes. Never too long at Claire. "Yeah, Ez informed me you and Dot are always faking sick."

"Yep, we used to all the time." She chuckled. "Now its harder for me.. my Mom is on to me now. She says unless I'm throwing up constantly, I can stand to go to school."

He tried to look sympathetic. "Yeah.."

"Dot though.." Claire said, trying her best to keep the dying conversation alive. "The girl should win an Oscar for her work. She can get out of anything."

"Yeah." Jude answered.

Finally Claire got her locker combination numbers and she walked back to her locker with Jude. He was talking about comics she had never heard of and how he would like to start his own oneday.

Quinn like comics too, so she took over the conversation as she met up with Claire and Jude by Claire's locker. They talked while Claire fumbled with her locker, who always had trouble with that particular lock that never seemed to want to open half the time.

Quinn, who had been telling Jude about her orginal comic she was working on, stopped and went over to Claire's lock. "Move, I'll open the damn thing."

She put her ear up against the blue door, and moved the lock with her hand, as if listening for something. Then she pushed against the locker with her hand and the blue door swung open as if like magic.

"How did you do that?" Jude asked, obviously impressed.

"It's a secret." She smirked, pleased with herself.

"Thanks." Claire laughed, getting out her world history book and a few pens. "I'm sure that comes in handy when robbing lockers.."

"It does." Quinn said, leaning against the locker next to Claire's.

"I was joking." Claire said, exchanging a startled look with Jude.

Quinn rolled her eyes. "Well, sometimes you need an extra pen or notebook, why not just 'borrow' it from the person with the locker next to you. It's easy."

Jude shook his head in wonder. "You'll so have to show me how to do that."

"Maybe someday." Quinn said mysteriously.

"You could hold classes to teach it to future thieves." Claire joked, shutting her locker door.

"I could." Quinn smiled. "I'd make millions."

Jude was watching them with a smile. "I'd take the class.."

Suddenly, the bell rang and the three friends rushed to class.

onto part nine..

part seven - indie jane

2005-11-06T19:11:35Z

Dot was astounded when Claire told her what had happened with Goth girl, now known as Quinn Gregory. Mostly she was surprised Quinn hadn't launched at Claire and sucked all the blood from her body.

"She likes wearing black, she isn't a vampire." Claire smirked.

"Yeah, but I always secretly suspect goth kids are." Dot explained. "It makes them that much more interesting."

Claire rolled her eyes.

Quinn ate lunch with Ezra, Jude, Dot and Claire the next day. She didn't say much to the others, even though they watched her closely. As if they were waiting for her to go off on them and start yelling like she had done at Claire once before. Claire knew her group of friends were wary of this newcomer.

They had nothing to worry about though, Quinn was tough but she only attacked when provoked. Like the time Claire and Quinn were waiting in the cafeteria line and a football player cut in front of Claire. Quinn grabbed the boy by the back of the shirt and pushed him out of line, telling him that if he cut in line again she would see that he was taken care of.

"You can't let people get away with things like that. Even little things like cutting in line." Quinn informed Claire, handing her a chocolate milk from the milk cart. "It makes them think they can push you around."

Claire spent the week leading up to Halloween getting to know her new friend and she liked what she found. Quinn was artistic, she loved to sketch people and animals. She was quiet around others, but talkative when you got her alone. She was extremely intelligent, although she tried to hide it. She was street-wise from living in LA all of her life, and she was sensitive too. People thought she was mean, but really Quinn did more crying than fighting. Claire alone knew about Quinn's mother and family situation. Quinn didn't talk about it anymore, but from their first meeting Claire knew all that she needed to.

Dot didn't like Quinn hanging around, and it turned out Quinn wasn't too fond of the hippy-like Dot who always seemed peppy and cheerful.

"Someday, she's going to overdose on sweet-tarts." Quinn told Claire.

Their personalities clashed daily, but Dot and Quinn kept their fights to a minimuim. They did, after all, have one thing in common. Claire. They both considered her their best friend.

Dot ended up finding one reason to like Quinn though. One Saturday afternoon, after Claire's month of punishment had ended, they were all hanging out in Ezra's basement. Jude was upstairs, so Quinn was playing around with the keyboard he had borrowed from the school. Mainly she playfully pressed a few notes, not really paying attention to what she was doing.

Meanwhile Ezra was in a deep conversation about aliens with Dot, while Claire fixed the strings on her pink guitar. As she expertly tuned it, someone started playing the most beautiful piano ballad she had ever heard. She looked up in alarm and saw Quinn playing the keyboard. She had her eyes closed as her hands ran up and down the black and white keys. Claire saw Dot and Ezra also watching and listening in great wonder.

Finally Quinn's song came to an end and the three listeners clapped in appreciation. Quinn looked embarrased, as if she just now noticed there were other people in the room. Claire sat down her guitar and walked over towards Quinn.

"... I didn't know you played." Claire said slowly.

"You never asked." Quinn chuckled.

"Wow." Was all that Dot could say.

"Did you write that song?" Ezra asked.

"I guess." Quinn shrugged. "I just made it up. I like to do stuff like that.."

Ezra, Dot, and Claire all looked at each other in wonder. This was the fourth bandmate they had always dreamed of. Dot clapped her hands gleefully. "You so have to join our band Quinn. You're perfect for Indie Jane."

Quinn looked alarmed. "Join your band? You want me to play with you guys?"

"Of course." Claire laughed. "You're amazing!"

Quinn looked very uneasy about this idea. "I don't know.. I'm not sure my style of music will mesh will with yours."

"Couldn't we at least try?" Claire pleaded. "I'm sure you'd like some of our songs at least.. and you could write some of your own too. We'd love to have your input."

"Yeah!" Dot said, backing her best friend's idea. "You could be such a big help to us. We've needed someone to play keyboards for us for ages."

Quinn bit her lip, still unsure. "Well.. I guess I could try being in your band. It does sound like fun."

Dot and Claire cheered, making a shaky smile appear on Quinn's face. They could tell by the look on Quinn's face that they had won her over.

"Wait." Ezra stopped their cheering and he stood up on the old brown piano. "We already have a keyboard player, remember?"

Dot rolled her eyes. "Jude is a lovely friend Ez, but as a keyboard player.. you know he isn't right for us. He hasn't learned anything all these weeks we've practiced."

"He's my cousin." Ezra said loyally. "We can't just kick him out when someone better comes along."

Claire hadn't thought of Jude, she felt uneasy about telling sweet, sensitive Jude he was no longer needed. "He might be relieved.. you know how many times he's tried to tell us he couldn't play the songs right."

Ezra looked disapointed in their lack of faith in Jude. "You were the one always telling him how he would learn, Claire. You can't just give up on him. It'll hurt his feelings."

"We'll talk to him." Dot assured Ezra. "He knows he was only temporary. He's said so himself many times."

Ezra made a face. "I feel like I'm stabbing him in the back."

Quinn was sitting at the keyboard, not saying a word. She finally coughed and they all looked at her expectantly. "Maybe I should leave while you guys talk to him. Let me know what your descison is though."

"We want you to play with us." Dot assured Quinn.

Quinn looked surprised at Dot's support. "I wouldn't mind playing in a band, I have to say.. but I don't want to ruin any friendships."

"You won't." Claire said. "We just have to try to... explain a few things to Jude."

"He'll understand." Dot said confidently. "You're what is best for our band, after all."

Ezra walked up the stairs and slammed the door behind him.

The band talked to Jude that night and as always, he was very understanding. He quietly accepted that he wasn't exactly right for Indie Jane, and he resigned with obvious relief. He would of quit if they hadn't fired him first, he said.

"We aren't firing you." Claire giggled. "You can still hang out with us. Maybe help me with guitar, you know you're better at it than me."

"Nah." He said, staring at her with his big blue eyes. "I appreciate it Claire, but you don't need to take pity on me. I have another project in mind anyway."

Everyone else accepted Quinn into the new group and everyone accepted Jude's resignation, everyone but Ezra. He obviously felt betrayed by Dot and Claire, so much so he didn't talk to them for three days. He finally relented after Jude convinced his cousin he wasn't upset and Quinn convinced Ezra with her piano skills. She played 'Wallflowers on Tuesday' beautifully.

They praciticed every night that week, only taking a break on Halloween night to go to a party behind held at Elijah Hanes house. He was the drummer for Exit 77, so a certain good-looking junior boy was likely to be there. Claire convinced her friends to go to the party, although she wouldn't admit she was going just to see Arnold.

Quinn had refused to go to the party, saying she hated social gatherings of any kind, so Claire took Dot and Ezra with her. The house was packed by the time they arrived in their costumes. They were all dressed as fairy princesses, even Ezra. Dot and Claire hated to admit it, but he was the prettiest one.

"I'd rather be trick-or-treating." Ezra informed Claire, as they entered the busy house and tried to find a room that wasn't full to breaking with fellow students.

"Me too." Dot sighed, as she was bumped into by random people as they tried to squeeze through crowd on the staircase.

"We can." Claire assured them. "I just want to stay to hear Exit 77 play a few songs. We should check out the competetion they most we can, right?"

Dot and Ezra rolled their eyes, but didn't object to this idea.

Finally they found themselves in the garage and settled onto one of the piles of cushions that had been set out for the guests. A few feet away, random couples were making out on other piles of cushions. Ezra and Dot amused themselves by throwing candy corn at them. Claire sat on the cushion, watching the band set up their equipment in the back of the garage. This would be where the mini-concert would take place.

"Hey Claire!" She had been watching Arnold, but someone else waved to her from the stage. She was surprised to see Jude now on the stage as well, smiling at her. He ran over to them and settled on the cushion she was sitting on.

"Hey Jude." She said, bewildered. "What are you doing here?"

The party didn't seem like a place quiet Jude would be found. He shrugged, and looked almost embarrased. "I just thought I'd.. you know.. check it out."

Ezra narrowed his eyes. "Why were you up there with Exit 77 then?

Jude blushed. "Well, you'll find out anyway.. but I'm playing bass for them now."

Ezra's mouth dropped open in shock. "You're.. playing with those idiots?!"

"I'm good at bass." He shrugged, his cheeks pink. "And I like them. You guys didn't need me anymore, so why not."

Dot looked truly hurt. "You know their the mortal enemy of Indie Jane though!"

He rolled his eyes. "They're just another local band, not an enemy. Besides, it isn't like I'm telling them all your secrets or plans anyway. I'm just playing bass for them."

Claire could tell his being in Exit 77 was giving him confidence and he seemed truly proud of his new band. "Wow Jude, congrats."

"I knew you would be happy for me." Jude said softly, giving her a grateful smile. "Now if only my cousin and his girlfriend could feel the same..."

Ezra sighed regretfully. "As long as your happy, I guess..."

"Yeah." Dot agreed, not looking him in the eye.

"I am." Jude said, his eyes never leaving Claire's face. "Well, I have to go finish setting up. You guys will stay to see the show, right?"

Claire felt nervous about the way he was looking at her. "Um, yeah. Of course."

"Great." He said and then did something that shocked Claire to the core, he reached over and touched her hand. "See you later."

"Wow." Dot said after he had ran back to the stage. "He's like a whole new Jude."

"He's one of them now." Ezra said, motioning around the room. "One of the popular ones. Just you wait, he'll be wearing Nikes by Monday morning."

It turned out Jude seemed to fit in Exit 77 perfectly, he played well and unlike in his short stint in Indie Jane, he seemed to be enjoying himself. Claire tapped her foot along to the sounds of the band, getting dirty looks from Ezra and Dot.

"What?" She yelled over the sound of the music. "They aren't so bad... besides, we've got to be supportive of Jude."

Ezra folded his arms and sat back on the pile of cushions and beanbag chairs. "Hmmph."

"You're the one who wanted him to make friends." Claire pointed out. "And he's found them.."

Ezra couldn't deny this fact, he had wanted Jude to fit in at Davidson and find his place. He had just hoped it would be with Indie Jane. "I suppose so.."

Claire watched as Jude jumped around the stage to the simply written pop-punk tunes and Arnold sang out at the top of his lungs. Sure, his voice was kind of whiny and he sounded like every other emo boy she had ever heard.. but just look at him. He looked like a star.

"Even if Exit 77 fails, Arnold will be a star. He just has that look about him." Dot predicted after the set had ended and they waited for Jude outside. He was supposed to go trick-or-treating with them.

"I was thinking the exact same thing inside." Claire mused. "He'll be a famous emo boy rocker and then he'll go on to movies."

"Nah, he'll be the star of some crap show like the OC." Ezra predicted. "He'll wear polo shirts and girl pants."

Claire shook her head, she didn't like him making fun of someone as lovely as Arnold. "Ah be nice Ez, what's he ever done to you?"

"Existed." Ezra said. "Him and his band. They annoy me."

"Burn him at the stake, how dare he annoy you." Claire mocked.

Ezra leaned against the side of the brick house, playing with his fairy princess tiara. "If only I was a dictator.."

Finally Jude came outside with a group of people, who seemed to be hanging on his every word. He grinned when he spotted his three friends. "Hey guys! Did you enjoy the show?"

"It was.. something." Ezra said lamely, putting his tiara back on his head.

"Ditto." Dot said, staring at her limegreen sneakers.

Jude looked disapointed. "Oh.. was it that bad?"

"You were great." Claire jumped in, elbowing Dot in the side. "They think so too, they're just grumpy because we haven't done any trick or treating yet."

"Oh, let me get my pumpkin and we can go." Jude said brightly.

A redheaded girl in tight jeans and a shiny red tanktop that had been following him around ever since the show, scoffed in disbelief. "Aren't you guys a little old to be trick or treating?"

Dot's eyes narrowed. "Aren't you a little too young to be drinking that beer your holding or should I call your mother? I do believe she's friends with my Mom.. Mrs. Johnson is her name, isn't it?"

The girl stared at Dot. "I was just, like, kidding. God."

"Then scurry away." Dot said sweetly.

"Don't boss me around." The girl threatned, swaying a little. She was obviously not completely sober.

Dot rolled her eyes. "What do you want with our Jude anyway?

"I was just about to ask him to hang out with me.." She said, her hand on her hip. "Right Jude? We were going to go upstairs to play cards.."

"As thrilling as that would be, Jude doesn't want to sleep with you." Dot said, pulling on Jude's arm. "Do you Jude darling?"

Jude seemed truly shocked by the question. "Uh.."

"That's a no." Dot said, glaring at the redheaded girl.

The girl stomped off into the night, heading towards a group of cars in the parking lot and off to find someone new to hang off of. Jude stared after her, looking alarmed. "Do you think she.. liked me or something?"

"She likes you because you're in Exit 77." Ezra explained as the rest of the people that had been follwing Jude around slowly dispersed. "Chicks dig bands."

Dot snorted. "Only the pathetic chicks.."

"They're my favorite kind." Ezra said, throwing an arm around Dot's waist. "So, are we going trick-or-treating or what?"

"If Jude wants to hang out with those people, he should be able to." Claire said quietly, not liking what she saw. "You two shouldn't boss him around, no more than you should me."

"I don't want to." Jude cut in, not wanting to start a fight. "I want to hang out with you guys."

"Of course he does." Dot said, giving Claire an annoyingly supperior look. "I know these things."

So they started walking down the street together, Ezra and Dot arm in arm. Jude and Claire walked a little behind them, a fair distance between them. Jude looked over at her. "So, you think the band sounded ok with me in it?"

She smiled. "Of course it did."

He looked pleased, as he glanced up at the black night sky. You could barely see any stars. "So do you still like that Arnold guy?"

It was so out of the blue, that Claire was thrown off gaurd. Especially by Jude asking such a personal question, rarely did he ever discuss anything but homework or music with Claire.

"Uh.. yes." She answered, feeling embarrased.

"He's a good guy." Jude sighed. "Everyone likes him."

"Yeah." Claire wasn't sure what else to say.

She walked on ahead of him, trying to catch up with Ezra and Dot who were now skipping down the road hand in hand. Jude continued walking by himself, a hand in his pocket and his plastic trick-or-treat pumpkin swinging at his side.

Later that night, Jude and Ezra let themselves back into the dark house and threw their goodies down on the kitchen table. The two cousins then sat and traded certain kinds of candy. Just as they had when they were kids. Ezra hated kitkats, while they were Jude's favorite. Jude hated tootsie-rolls, and Ezra liked to use them for his gigantic tootsie-roll ball he kept in the freezer. It was as big as the ice box now. The tootsie-roll ball was a disgusting, gooey mess. Ezra loved it.

"So be honest with me man.." Ezra finally said, he'd been waiting to say this all night. "What is the real reason you joied Exit 77? Is it to get back at us?"

Jude shook his head, as he sat unwrapping a piece of blueberry-flavored bubblegum. "No, honestly. I'm not mad about the whole Indie Jane thing. I know I'm not right for your band."

"So you just joined Exit 77 because you wanted to and enjoy the music?" Ezra's voice gave away his disbelief.

Jude chuckled. "Actually, no.. there is another reason."

"What?" Ezra questioned, throwing a kitkat bar over to Jude's side of the table.

Jude looked as if he wasn't sure he should say. "Well.."

"Hey, you can tell me anything." Ezra assured his cousin. "It's me. We've always confided in one another, right?"

"Claire." Jude suddenly said.

"Claire?" Ezra asked. "What about her?"

Jude sighed. "I joined because.. well.. because of Claire."

Ezra stared. "Why? To make her jealous or.. what? I don't get it."

Jude looked truly embarrased. "I thought she might like me more.. well.. if I did. Maybe if she could see me on stage, she could seem differently."

Ezra felt bad for his cousin. "Maybe she will."

"She didn't tonight." Jude said bitterly. "She barely treats me like a friend. I'm just some kid she has to be nice to."

"That isn't true." Ezra objected. "She thinks you're great."

Jude shrugged. "Well, I'm running out of ideas.. I try to talk to her, but I clam up. It's like I can't think of anything at all interesting to say to her. She just looks at me like I'm totally weird."

"That's because you are." Ezra tried to joke.

"And you should see the way she looks at Arnold." Jude said angrily, staring at his hands. "I guess I can't blame her, he's the obvious better choice."

"He isn't." Ezra said insistently.

"She thinks so." Jude sighed, throwing Ezra another tootsie-roll.

Ezra sighed too and the two boys then went back to sorting their candy.

move onto part 8..

part six - indie jane

2005-11-05T23:54:15Z

Nothing made Claire regret her grounding more than what happened in study hall the following Friday. She had been sitting in study hall, working on her latest english essay, when Arnold had plopped down in the chair in front of her. He rested his chin on his pile of books and simply stared at her for a moment.

"What?" She asked, nervously tucking her hair behind her ears.

"I have something for you." He smiled, slipping a white envelope out of his blue binder and sliding it over towards Claire. "That is an ultra-exclusive invite to the Exit 77 brand new Ep launch party at my house."

Claire's face crumpled. "Oh.. well, I'd love to come, but I'm grounded sadly."

He snapped his fingers in disapointment. "Well, that sucks for both of us. I remembered you were a fellow musician and I wanted to impress you with our new stuff."

She tried to smile, even though her heart was heavy with regret. "Yeah, well, I was convicted of a geometry crime so I'm locked up for a month. I really wish I could hear your new stuff though."

"Oh yeah.." He said. "Kate told me she was going to study with you."

Claire didn't like thinking of Arnold and Kate still talking. Especially after what Kate had done to him. "Yeah.."

He laughed, seeing the look on Claire's face. "I know she's a bit much at times, but she's a good sort."

Claire shrugged, not really enjoying the subject at hand. "Well, I'd rather come to your show but.."

"I know, I'll make you a special copy of all our new songs. That way you won't be totally out of the loop." He promised, flicking a stray piece of paper at her. It flew over her shoulder.

"That would be.. great." She said, not sure of what to say to the gorgeous boy sitting in front of her.

"No problem." He said, standing back up and picking up his blue binder. "Well, I have to go invite a few other people.. see you in choir, Wilson."

"Bye." She said lamely, watching him head over to another table of people and hand out invitations. The group of girls he talked to laughed at everything he said and promised Arnold they would be at his party at eight sharp. Claire could tell they were all thrilled to be included in such an event, and to be talking to someone so popular in front of the whole study hall.

A moment later, Claire had another popular visitor. Kate Arthur sat down in the seat Arnold had been sitting in just minutes before, and she didn't dwadle like Mr. Stewert. She was brisk and to the point. "Now, I've been looking for a time for us to study together during school, but I'ms imply booked up at all hours. I was thinking we could study after school together at my house. After my piano lessons at four would be good for me."

Kate had her day planner and pen ready to pencil Claire in. "Uh.. I don't know, my Mom grounded me.."

"I talked to her." Kate said, waving her hand. "She said it was fine for you to study with me, she'll let you out for an hour."

Claire groaned inwardly. "Um, yeah.. whatever time is good for you then, I guess."

"Five it is." Kate wrote it down in her day planner. "Monday at five. Is that okay?"

"Yeah." Claire said, already dreading any time spent with perfect Kate Arthur.

Kate arched a perfectly plucked eyebrow. "Don't look so afraid Claire, I'm not some evil geometry dictator. I've been told I'm a pretty good tutor. We'll get through it."

Claire felt bad. "I don't.."

"You think I'm perfect, I know." Kate sighed. "But I'm not. I'm as normal as you are. I just try harder than others."

She stopped, a rather hard look on her face. It disapeared a moment later. She then stood up, and gathered up her books. "Anyway, it's five at Monday. Don't be late please. I have piano lessons at six."

Dot and Ezra quickly found out that band practice without Claire didn't work very well, especially with Jude messing up on the keyboard every other note. They weren't sure how to tell him he wasn't working out as he tried so hard he broke a sweat.
"No music for Claire and studies with Kate Arthur. She's pretty miserable, poor thing." Dot chuckled, as they gave up trying to practice their new songs and rested on the old broken piano. They shared a grape lollipop between them, making Jude cringe.

"Things will get better." Ezra reasoned. "They can't get much worse. Jude here is thinking of asking her to the Halloween dance."

Jude's cheeks turned pink. "I was just thinking about it.. I don't know if I'll do it."

"You could at least go with her as friends." Dot reasoned, taking a bite out of the lollipop. Ezra gave her a dirty look. "Well, you have to bite at it sometime.. the owl says so."

"Anyway." Ezra smirked. "I think you should at least ask Claire. She thinks you guys don't know one another, this could be a chance for you guys to get to know each other one on one."

Jude shrugged, tapping random keys on the keyboard. "I'm thinking about it. I don't think she likes me though.. she barely notices me. Like she only talks to me because I'm Ez's cousin."

Dot and Ezra exchanged a look. "She has.. er, other things on her mind right now is all."

Jude noticed the look they gave each other. "Yeah, like that Arnold guy. What does she see in him anyway? I hear all this stuff about him hooking up with random girls like Megan and those senior twins.."

"She'll learn." Dot shook her head. "I want her to do it on her own. She's put him on a pedestal all these years, she'll learn soon enough."

"Do you think he'd use Claire like he did all those other girls?" Jude wondered.

"Claire isn't even on his radar." Ezra assured him.

"Huh." Jude plinked at a few more keys, wondering why that thought didn't make him feel better at all.

Claire's first study session with Kate creeped up on her and she walked towards Kate's neighboorhood that Monday night. Kate lived across town in a large ranch style house, surrounded by small trees. Like Kate herself, the lawn was perfectly groomed and the house gleamed as if it was brand new.

She knocked on the door warily, wondering what Kate's parents looked like. If they were as immaculate as their daughter. She never found out, because it was Kate herself who answered the door.

"Hey Claire, come on in." Kate beamed, opening the door wide to let Claire into the startling white living room.

"Erm.." Claire prayed her shoes didn't have any dirt on them. She kept her shoes on because Kate kept her own on.

"We'll study upstairs." Kate said, leading Claire to the kitchen. "But we can get something to drink first, do you like Sprite?"

Claire nodded.

A sly smile appeared on Kate's face. "You can talk. It's okay."

"Sorry.." Claire apologized.

"It's fine." Kate said, handing Claire a soda. "I know you're the quiet type. I like that about you actually. You aren't one of those loud, obnoxious kids that always interupt class."

"Yeah, that title belongs to my friends." Claire chuckled.

"Ah yes, Dot and that Ezra." Kate said, also laughing. "They seem like a good sort though. I've always envied Dot's hair too.. I could never grow mine that long."

"Me either." Claire said, as they wandered up the white spiral staircase and towards the room at the end of the hall. This was Kate's bedroom, more colorful than the rest of the house. It was decorated in light pinks and tans, and the main feature was a big desk with a computer. Kate's lifeline.

"This is my baby." Kate chuckled, patting the pink computer. "I'm an internet nerd."

"Me too." Claire admitted, wondering where she should sit.

"We can study on the floor." Kate said, throwing a few pillows on the carpet and grabbing her geometry book.

Claire sat down, looking around. Kate had a group of photos tacked up on a board, including a few of Arnold. Kate saw Claire looking at the pictures, and smiled. "Arnold and I are still friends."

"Yeah.." Claire blushed.

"You like him." Kate said matter-of-factly.

"Well..." Claire's face was almost bright red now.

"It's ok." Kate said, shrugging. "He's a nice guy, just very immature and irresponsible at times. Not my type exactly."

Claire couldn't help herself. "Then why did you go out with him?"

Kate smiled, almost apologetically. "He's quite good looking, if you hadn't noticed. Plus he's a nice guy, he's intelligent.. just very, very immature."

Claire didn't like hearing this about Arnold. "Hmm."

"Sorry, I have this horrible habit of being too honest sometimes." Kate chuckled, jokingly hitting herself on the forehead.

"Why did you break up with him exactly? Besides his being immature, I mean." Claire asked, feeling suddenly brave.

"Mainly because we were just so different. It wasn't anything inparticular that he did or I did." Kate said thoughtfully. "He was so scattered about, so involved one minute and ignoring me the next. I like him as a friend, but as anything more he just isn't for me. Besides.. I met Gary at math camp."

She showed Claire a picture of Gary, who had braces and nice eyes. He was good looking, but nowhere near Arnold standards. "He's cute."

Kate went a bit pink just looking at the picture. "I sure like him. He's into math too."

Claire smiled. "A match made in heaven."

"Yes." Kate laughed, putting the framed picture of Gary back on her desk and sitting down again. "You know, if you do like Arnold.. you should just tell him."

Claire shrugged. "I don't know him.."

"Oh please, we've all known each other since we were kids." Kate objected. "Of course you know him, you just think he's too popular for you."

Claire wasn't sure she liked how Kate seemed to know everything, even personal things. She held nothing back too. "Aren't we supposed to be studying?"

The sides of Kate's mouth twitched into a smile. "Why yes we are, excuse me. It isn't like me to get so distracted. We better hit the books. Let's start on yesterdays homework assignment.."

Claire was almost relieved to start on her geometry homework. How very odd indeed.

"So studying with Kate didn't kill you." Dot observed the next day as she and Claire sat in choir and waited for their turn to sing. The sopranos were currently practicing with Mrs. Fields up by the piano. The rest of the kids had free rein, as long as they didn't get too loud.

"No, she's really nice actually." Claire said, she hadn't had a chance to tell Dot all about the study session since Claire wasn't allowed to use the phone due to her grounding and Dot had been at the dentist all morning getting a cavity filled.

"Of course she's nice." Dot said, wanting to hear some trash talk about Kate Arthur. "Is her house sickeningly perfect like her?"

"It's all in white." Claire said. "So clean you could eat off the floors."

Dot giggled. "Now that would be something to see.. Kate eating off the kitchen tiles."

"Only wood floors in the Arthur household." Claire mocked.

"Of course." Dot said, although she had no room to talk, her family had their own well-designed home. "Did you learn anything?"

"Tons about her and Arnold." Claire said and went on to tell Dot what had been said. Dot didn't look too surprised. She was more interested in knowing what Kate's new boyfriend looked like.

"I doubt it'll last." Dot said. "Him being in Colorado and all. Long distance relationships are hard to keep up."

"If anyone can do it, Kate can." Claire giggled.

Dot then went on to tell Claire what Arnold's EP launch party had been like, since Ezra (who had art with Arnold) had been invited and had taken Dot as his guest. She told Claire it had been boring, and the music had been nothing to cheer about. It was the same old bland pop punk that Exit 77 had been known to churn out ever since they formed Freshman year.

"I wanted to call you so bad all weekend." Dot laughed. "Just to tell you how much they sucked. They have nothing on us Claire. Nothing."

"Who has nothing on you?" Asked Arnold, coming up behind them and tapping Claire on the shoulder.

"We were having a private conversation. What do you want anyway?" Dot informed him, slinging her arm over the side of her chair and staring at him expectantly.

"To give Claire a present." He said and handed Claire a CD case with her name drew on it in artistic black letters. "Exit 77 sessions" it read below her name.

"Wow, thanks." Claire said, sincerely touched at the gesture.

"No problem." He smiled, his hands resting on the back of her shoulder and he watched as she read the song titles on the back of the case.

"I'm sure it'll be a joy to listen to." Dot said, the sarcasm in her voicew as obvious.

"Did you not enjoy my party?" Arnold asked in mock shock.

"Eh." She shrugged, not wanting to offend him too much. He was Claire's crush object after all.

"I'll have to have another party, sometime when Claire can actually come." He said, patting her on the shoulder and then leaned forward so that his lips were right next to her ear. "Let me know how you like the new music."

She almost fell out of her chair.

"Let me know how you like the new music." Dot mocked all week long, using a sultry breathy voice and always saying it right in Claire's ear just as Arnold had. "I think he's a nice guy, but really.. you have to admit he's a bit of a goon."

Claire just smiled. "Maybe I like goons."

Of course, life wasn't perfect. The next day Mrs. Hans popped a surprise geometry quiz on them and Claire was so nervous about her grade, she sat chewing on her ink pen after she handed in her finished test. It then exploded in her mouth, leaving her with blue ink on her lips and chin. She clapped a hand over her mouth and asked Mrs. Hans is she could go to the restroom. A bewildered Mrs. Hans handed Claire the bathroom pass without question.

Claire rushed to the nearest restroom and went directly to the mirror to see the damage. There was some ink on her white shirt, a glop in her mouth that she spit out into the sink, and there was ink dribbling down her lips to her chin. She had made a real mess out of things.

As she cleaned herself up and got most of the ink off her face, she heard the strangest noise. Someone was crying in the bathroom. Claire turned around and looked under the stalls to see if anyone was in there. She had thought it was empty. Sure enough, she spotted someone sitting down on the floor of the handicap bathroom stall and whoever it was, was wearing an enourmous amount of black.

It was the scary goth girl. She was crying like her heart was broken.

Claire decided not to bother her, and went back to getting the rest of the ink off her lips. The goth girl continued sobbing, obviously not caring that someone was in the bathroom with her. Claire's heart lurched, the crying girl sounded so tragically sad. She couldn't just leave and not say a word, could she?

So bravely, Claire turned off the sink and dryed her face. She then walked to the back of the bathroom and knocked on the door. "Um.. are you ok in there?"

"No." Came the pathetic answer.

"Should I get someone?" Claire asked, already knowing the answer. The girl was obviously hiding from everyone.

"No." The girl said, still crying. Claire heard a nose being blown. "Please don't tell anyone I'm in here."

"I won't." Claire assured her. "Um, should I go?"

The girl didn't answer.

"Should I stay?" Claire asked tentively.

The girl then slowly opened the door and stared at Claire. Her eyes were bloodshot from crying, and she was sitting wrapped up in a oversized black hooded sweatshirt. "I know you. You're the girl I got in a fight with that one day in the hall."

Claire tried to smile. "Yeah.. sorry about hitting you with that door again."

"I'm sorry for going off on you." The girl shrugged, as if it didn't matter now. "I was having a bad day. I have a lot of those lately."

"So I can see." Claire said.

"You can come in." The girl said, her eyes never leaving the floor. "I don't want anyone else to find me, you see."

So Claire entered the bathroom stall and sat down on the floor in front of the infamous scary goth girl, who didn't seem scary at all now. "So.. I guess you don't like it here too much at Davidson."

The girl gave a muffled laugh, she blew her nose again before she talked. "How did you guess? You saw me throw a fit in the office the other day too, right?"

Claire nodded.

"I hate it here." The girl said, hugging her sweatshirt to her chest. "I'm from LA, I didn't want to leave for some small town. My Dad made me though."

"Davidson isn't so bad." Claire said with a shrug. "Boring, but alright."

Goth girl made a face. "It's sure not LA."

Claire smiled. "That it is not."

"I left all my friends." The girl sniffled. "I left my apartment.. everything.. for this crappy little town. No offense."

"None taken." Claire assured her.

"My Dad married some woman and wanted to be near her." The girl said with a scoff. "Not even a year after my Mom died too. Great way to respect her memory, right?"

Claire wasn't sure what to say. She never knew anyone with a life so complicated. "... I'm sorry about your Mom."

The girl nodded. "Me too. LA was all I had left of her, and he took me away from it. She loved the city. Here though.. I have nothing."

Claire felt a few tears in her own eyes.

The girl sighed suddenly and blew her nose again. "So.. that's my sob story. Interesting, no?

Claire nodded. "Sad too."

The girl shrugged. "I had to tell someone. I have no one to talk to around here."

Claire felt the strongest urge to hug this vulnerable looking, beautiful girl in front of her. She wanted to be her friend, and help her out. "Well, if you need a friend.. I'm not much.. but I could show you around at least."

The girl looked embarrased, but smiled through her tears. "If you want to.. ya don't have to."

"I know." Claire said. "I want to."

The girls went silent as a few senior girls entered the bathroom and gossiped over the sinks for a few minutes. The finally left, leaving a cloud of hairspray and perfume behind them. The two girls sitting in the handicap bathroom stall laughed soundlessly.

"I'm Quinn Gregory." Goth girl finally said.

"Claire Wilson." Claire said. "I'm glad I finally learned your name, I've been calling you 'goth girl' in my head."

Quinn smiled. "I've been calling you 'indie girl.' strangely enough."

move onto part seven..

part five - indie jane.

2005-11-04T16:09:45Z

The only person that could make Claire feel better was Dot, so Claire ended up staying over at Dot's house for a few days. She had her own guest room in Dot's extremely stylish (over-done, in Claire's oppinon) house and usually Dot's parents weren't even home. So except for June the maid, the girls had the whole place to themselves.

They couldn't think of anything wild to do, so they settled for eating junk food in the den and warming their toes by the fire. They watched teen movies from the 1980's and dressed up like their favorite stars from the past. Dot liked to sit around the house wearing fishnet stockings, so she did just that.

"We should do our makeup later." Dot said lazily, throwing her empty icecream bowl on the floor and didnt notice the melted icecream at the bottom of the bowl drip onto the expensive carpet.

"We don't wear makeup." Claire said, they only wore lip gloss and the occasional dab of cover up on "zit days."

"My mom has some." Dot shrugged. "We can borrow some of hers."

So after their third movie, they sneaked into the master bedroom and riffled through the dresser drawers that belonged to Dot's Mom. They found loads of makeup, mostly dated shades of eyeshadow that hadn't been worn in decades and bright red lipstick that they had once worn as part of their clown costumes many years ago.

"This stuff will make up look like clowns again.. or hookers." Claire giggled, glopping blue mascara on her eyelashes. They applied makeup like they were in the second grade, everything was heavily layered.

"Good." Dot said, her eyes were surrounded by purple eyeshadow and her cheeks were covered in an ugly shade of pink. "We can take pictures and post them in our 'Scrapbook of horrible things.'"

"Good idea!" Claire said brightly, applying even more mascara on her already heavy eyelashes.

The girls had stared the "Scrapbook of horrible things' in 7th grade. It consisted of ugly school pictures, songs that had written that they agreed were terrible, and random pictures of themselves that they hated. Like there were pictures of the time Dot had sinus surgery, the time Claire had gotten a black eye from a wild gym basketball game, and pictures of Ezra drooling in his sleep. Dot secretly thought the ones of Ezra were adorable, but she never said anything..

So the girls finished their makeup, fixed their hooker-like costumes, and posed for Dot's camera. They took pictures of themselves all over the house, and kept breaking into giggles everytime they tried to pose seriously. Finally, June came tearing down the stairs in her nightgown and curlers, yelling at them to shut up and get to bed.

They had to obey her, so they quickly ran back to Dot's room to check out their pictures on the computer. After they had printed them out, they pasted them in their scrapbook. They were truly horrible pictures, Dot looked like a ugly fashion model and Claire was giggling madly in every one of her pitures.

"These are truly horriffic." Dot said, proud of themselves. "Ez will think that they're a riot."

"I don't want to show anyone but him." Claire warned, in the picture she was wearing one of Dot's bikini tops and a leather miniskirt.

"Of course not." Dot said. "These are just for us. Maybe we won't even show Ezzie.."

Claire smiled, she liked having Dot all to herself once in a while. It was nice not to have Ezra jumping around the room, teasing everyone and singing songs at the top of his lungs whenever you tried to have a serious conversation. Not that she didn't love him, but sometimes he was hard to handle.

Besides, when it was just Dot and Claire, Claire actually felt like she mattered. When it was Dot, Ezra, and Claire.. Claire knew Dot would rather be alone with him. It was just the way things were.

Dot interupted Claire's thoughts. "Lets sneak back downstairs and raid the fridge again.. I think we have some chips and dip in the fridge. I'm starving."

So, giggling, the girls tiptoed downstairs. They managed to get their food and drinks, but June caught them on their way back up the stairs. She swatted them with her pillow and told them that if she caught them out of Dot's room again, she'd call Dot's parents.

"Aw, you wouldn't do that." Dot said, giving grumpy old June a hug. She had been with Dot's family since before Dot was born and had a soft spot for the bratty, but lovable daughter of the house.

"I might." June said, the sternness in her voice ebbing away as she spoke.

"We were just hungry." Dot said, pouting.

"Fine." June said, shaking her head. "Just don't fill up on that junk, I'm making a good breakfast in the morning for you and Ms. Claire."

"We won't." Dot smiled. "Night June."

"Night darlings." June said, shaking her head as she walked back to her room and wondering how Dot always managed to get her way.

"She's wrapped around my little pinky." Dot said with a smug smile, as she and Claire walked back to Dot's room that was joined by a secret passage to Claire's guestroom.

"Who isn't?" Claire smirked.

"Ezra isn't, oddly enough." Dot answered. "I think that's why I like him so much."

"Could be." Claire wasn't all that interested in discussing it, she had already dug into the chips and dip.

The next day during choir class, Claire was sitting with Dot and they were playing tictactoe. As Claire was about to win her fourth game in a row, she was summoned by intercom to go to the principal's office. A few people made noises to suggest Claire was in deep trouble, and Claire suddenly felt nervous. What could this be about?

"Did I do something?" Claire asked Dot, as Claire packed up her backpack to take to the office.

"Not that I can recall." Dot shrugged, now playing tictactoe against herself. "Just deny everything and act as if you're innocent."

Claire had to snicker. "You're so helpful, Dot."

"I try." Dot smiled, then waved Claire towards the door. "Best get it over with dear."

So Claire made her way to the principal's office, it was located in the middle of the school with the rest of the offices. The secretary smiled as she saw Claire approach. "Just take a seat dear and Mr. Young will see you in a little bit."

So Claire sat in the small waiting room by the door and looked around. There were a few other kids waiting too, most of them looking guilty and very nervous. A girl much younger than Claire sat biting her fingernails and spitting them on the carpet.

"What are you in for?" The girl asked Claire, eyeing her with interest.

"I don't know." Claire shrugged.

"I stole toilet paper." The girl said, and then she sighed. "They found it in my locker."

Before Claire could ask why the young girl wanted to steal the school's cheap, thin toilet paper; the girl was called into one of the offices. Leaving Claire alone to her thoughts. She wondered what she was there for..

She decided it might be for her grades, or maybe they had found out she had stolen a pack of pens in math class. That one wasn't her fault, the person who owned the pens shouldn't of left them sitting on a desk unattended like that. Finders keepers, Claire thought.

Suddenly, startling everyone in the office, came a shrill scream and the glass door of the superintendents office shook. Someone was inside throwing a tremendous fit, stomping their feet and yelling. Claire craned her neck to get a better look, and to her surprise she saw the Goth girl that had accosted her in front of the choir room.

"I don't want to go to this fucking school!" Claire heard the girl yell.

"Calm down!" Superintendent Watson pleaded.

"I won't calm down, I'm not going into class." The girl said, her voice raised high enough for all to hear. "I'm calling my friends back home to come pick me up."

"Now please.." Mr. Watson tried.

"I don't want to fucking calm down, so stop telling me to!" The girl yelled, and Claire could tell she was on the verge of tears. "I'm not from here, I don't belong here!"

Another man came into view and put his arms around the girl.. or at least he tried to do so. She kicked him away with her tiny, black boot and he backed away, stunned by her actions. Claire gussed he was probably the very unlucky Dad of this Goth girl.

"Don't touch me." She hissed.

Claire couldn't hear what he said back, but it upset the girl so much she kicked him again. Mr. Watson got between them and held his hands up as a barrier.

"Stop or I'll call school security!" He warned, his voice booming across the office. Everyone in the waiting room was staring through the glass door with interest now, this was the most exciting thing to happen at Davidson High School since John Harris rammed Kevin Lang's head into the cafeteria wall.

"Get me out of here then." The girl said, staring at her Dad with obvious loathing. "My friends are at my old school, I need them."

"Yeah, you need them to get you into trouble!" He said, sounding anad looking extremely frustrated. "You're better off without them and without the influence of the city. This could be a new start for you!"

"I don't want a new start!" She said, looking as if she was about to kick him again. "I want to go HOME!"

"This is home now!" He said, his voice raised. "And you better get used to it!"

"You don't want a new start for me!" She sneered. "You want a new start with that new wife of yours and her stupid son. That's what you really want, a new family to replace the old broken one! You just had to bring me along, unfortunately. So stop pretending like you moved only for my own good. It's pathetic."

He shook his head. "I don't know what to do with you."

Mr. Watson then started talking to them in a low voice, and the girl listened. He tried to give her a pile of school books, but she threw them down on the floor at his feet.

"I'm not going to this fucking school, I told you that." She said loudly.

"We don't curse here." He told her sternly.

"Well, I'm not going to this school so I can curse all I fucking want." She sneered, giving another tremendous stomp of her foot. The glass shook.

"You have to go to this school." Her Dad said, trying to hug her.

"I don't." She said defiantly. "I'll quit!"

"Honey, you have to go to school." Her Dad pleaded. "Please, if not for me, do it for your Mom.. you know she wanted you to finish school..."

The Goth girl suddenly broke down into tears and wouldn't let the two men give her any comfort. She slammed the glass door open and ran out of the office. She noticed everyone looking at her, but couldn't seem to find the words to yell at them. Instead she ran towards the main entrance, with her father and Mr. Watson speedily chasing after her.

"Whoa." Said a senior boy Claire knew to be a troublemaker. "That.. was awesome."

Before Claire could answer, a secretary came out of Mr. Young's office. "Mr. Young will see you now Ms. Wilson."

A feeling of dread came over Claire as she stood up and walked towards the office she had only seen twice before. Once when she had staged a protest against dodgeball with Dot, and another time in jr. high when Claire had gotten in trouble for punching Ashley Qualls in the nose for calling Claire a 'four eyed monster.'

Mr. Young was sitting behind his desk and to Claire's surprise, Mrs. Hans and Claire's mother were sitting in the uncomfortable blue chairs in front of his desk. Claire suddenly knew what this was about - geometry.

"Take a seat Ms. Wilson, we have a few things to discuss." Mr. Young said gravely.

It ended up being a three sided lecture about Claire's lack of study habit, her poor geometry test grades, and they also knew she had forged her mother's signature on two tests. That itself gave Claire two weeks of detention.

"You're lucky we don't suspend you for something like that." Mr. Young said, staring at Claire intently. She felt so ashamed, she couldn't look him in the eyes.

Finally the lecture came to an end, and Mrs. Hans suggested that they get Claire a tutor to help her with geometry. Everyone agreed this was an excellent idea, everyone but Claire. They didn't ask her oppinion though.

"I already asked my top student." Mrs. Hans told Susan. "Kate Arthur is happy to help out of a fellow student."

Claire tried not to groan out loud. Anyone but Kate Arthur. Mr. Young saw the look of dread on Claire's face. "Are you ok Ms. Wilson? Do you and Kate Arthur not get along?"

"We get along fine." Claire admitted. She couldn't very well tell them she hated Kate Arthur because Kate was perfect, beautiful, and at one time had the boy of Claire's dreams.

"Everyone likes Kate." Mrs. Hans beamed. "She's school president, you know."

"I know her mother." Susan said with a decided nod. "They're a very lovely family."

Claire felt like she was going to be ill.

Finally the dreadful meeting was over, and Claire walked out of Mr. Young's office with her mother. "I'm grounded, aren't I?"

"So grounded you won't be seeing sunlight for a month." Susan said, leaning in to give her daughter hug goodbye. "I have to get back to work, but be home right after school. I have some chores for you to do. That should teach you not to forge people's signatures."

"Sounds like a blast." Claire said without enthusiasm.

"You do the crime, you do the time." Susan smiled. "Bye honey."

"You're grounded!" Dot was so horrified by this, she almost collasped on the sidewalk as Dot, Ezra, Jude, and Claire all walked home together. "But what about the band?!"

"I won't be able to play for a month, I guess." Claire was miserable. "I'm sorry guys, I guess I shouldn't of signed those tests myself and just admitted I was having a problem geometry."

"It's my fault." Ezra said, putting an arm around Claire's shoulders to comfort her. "I told you to do it."

She shrugged. "No use blaming anyone, it won't get me out of trouble."

Jude looked on the bright side. "You're really good anyway, you'll survive without practicing with the band. Me on the other hand.."

She smiled. "Thanks."

He blushed. "So, what are you going to do about geometry anyway?"

"I didn't tell you guys the worst part." Claire groaned. "I have to be tutored by none other than Kate Arthur."

Ezra made a face. "God no! Not her."

"Uck." Dot shuddered. "I hope she doesn't give you her perfection germs."

Jude looked mystified. "I know Kate, she's in my seventh hour class... she's really nice. Isn't she?"

"Sadly so." Claire sighed. "And everything I'm not."

"Then why do you guys not like her?" Jude questioned.

"Because Kate went out with Arnold and broke his dear little heart." Dot smiled, giving Claire a nudge. "By the way, Mr. Arnold asked about you in choir. He said he hoped you weren't in trouble."

That brightened Claire's day an inch. "Really?"

Dot nodded. "Yep, I told him I'd let him know. He seemed concerned."

Claire hugged herself. "Yay."

Jude made a funny noise that was somewhere between a cough and a sneeze. They all looked at him and he was staring at Claire. "I.. didn't know you liked Arnold."

"Oh, she's liked him for ages." Dot sighed. "Since she was seven, in fact. It's old news."

Jude put his hands in his pockets and coughed again. "Huh. Well, I think I'm going to go to my friend Ryan's and hang out for a while... I'll see you guys later."

After he was gone, Dot punched Ezra on the arm. "What's up with your cousin?"

Ezra looke reluctant to say anything. "He.. well.. he kind of has a thing for Claire."

Claire was surprised, even though she suspected as much, it was different to hear it out loud. Dot was truly shocked. "Jude? He's so quiet, I never would of suspected."

"He's shy." Ezra explained, even though they all knew that already.

"I don't see why he likes me." Claire said humbly. "We never have anything to say to one another.. it's just awkward small talk. He's a nice guy though..."

"He's the best." Ezra said loyally. "Why do you think he joined the band? He wanted to get to know you better."

"Well, what do I do about it?" Claire asked in wonder.

"Do you like him?" Ezra asked.

Claire blushed. "Well.. not exactly.."

"Then nothing." Ezra shrugged. "Don't say anything. He's a fragile guy."

"He is cute." Dot urged. "And sweet.."

"And notices you." Ezra fought for his cousin.

Claire felt pressured. "Can you guys not bug me about this? I have enough on my mind as it is. Besides, I won't be leaving the house except for school for a long time.."

"In otherwords, she doesn't like him." Dot said to Ezra.

"I didn't say that.." Claire fought. "We just never have anything to say to one another. Two shy people don't mix well."

"Yeah, she doesn't like." Ezra said to Dot, swinging their ajoined hands. "Man, she's picky isn't she?"

"If your name isn't Arnold, she isn't interested." Dot told Ezra.

"I went out with David." Claire said in her own defense.

"Oh yeah, I liked David." Ezra smiled, remembering. "He was so geeky and amusing."

"But you still liked Arnold more." Dot reminded her. "You told me that you still cared for Arnold when you first started going out with David, remember?"

"No..." Claire didn't remember. "I liked David more. I really did. He had to go move across the country though. We wrote letters for a couple of months, but we stopped."

"Maybe you'd like Jude if you gave him a chance like you did with David." Ezra suggested.

"Ezra.." She sighed.

"Just think about it." He said, tapping her on the head.

"Okay." She said, just to make him shut up and leave her alone.

He looked much happier. "Good."

Claire was almost relieved to reach her house and have to go inside to start on her chores. Chores she could handle. Dot and Ezra on the other hand...

move onto part six..

part four - indie jane.

2005-11-03T18:44:40Z

The fact that Claire had actually spoken to Arnold as if he was a normal person - and not the hottest guy she had ever seen, which he really was - kept her happy for the rest of the week. She didn't even mind when Emily accidently tore a hole in Claire's favorite pink hoodie. She didn't even blink an eye when Jude kept messing up 'Wallflowers on Tuesday' with his horrible keyboard. She even accepted four straight D's on geometry assignments even though she had truly tried her best to understand the subject at hand.

No, everything was going pretty great in Claire land. Until one day in choir, Claire and Dot were joking around and flicking each other with rubber bands. After they had given each other at least three succesful welts each, they stopped and started talking about boys. The usual subject. Dot liked to ramble on about how Ezra never took anything seriously (like Dot ever did..) and she seriously wondered if they were boyfriend and girlfriend at times.

"It feels like we're just friends." Dot sighed. "When really, we're supposed to be going out. He doesn't even kiss me goodbye after school."

"Then kiss him." Claire suggested.

"Eh." Was Dot's unsatisfactory answer.

"Why not?" Claire asked.

"He has bad breath after school from all the cheetos and Mt. Dew." Dot explained.

"Then you should be happy he doesn't kiss you." Claire reasoned, while scribbling tiny stick figures all over her notebook cover.

"He should want to though." Dot said, rolling her eyes as if Claire was incredibly stupid for not understanding what she was saying right away.

"Have you talked to him about how you feel?" Claire asked, already knowing the answer.

"We don't really talk about things like that." Dot said, also drawing all over Claire's notebook. She drew tiny aliens and planets. "We talk a lot about art.. music.. and, er, you."

"Me?" Claire was surprised.

"Yeah." Dot didn't seem that interested in talking about it.

"What do you say about me?" Claire inquired, smiling. She knew it was nothing bad. Dot and Ezra weren't that kind of people.

"Stuff." Dot elaborated.

"Wow. Stuff." Claire mocked. "That explains a lot."

"So." Dot had decided to change the subject. "There is a dance on Friday, I was thinking of going with Ez. You should ask someone."

Claire pretended to think hard. "Hmm.. ask whom, I wonder?"

"His name begins with an 'A.'" Dot smiled.

"I couldn't ask him." Claire objected. "He'd think I was a big dork, asking him to some stupid school dance."

Dot took serious offense to this. "1. You aren't a dork. 2. He wouldn't think that about you. 3. School dances AREN't stupid. They are quite fun and entertaining, thank you very much."

"Just because you and Ezra like to practice your swing dance moves at them." Claire giggled.

"We're getting pretty good." Dot said, forgetting the subject at hand. "Of course Ezra can't swing me around very well 'cause I'm a 6 foot giant, but I can him.. he's so tiny that it's nothing."

"As much as I would love to go to the dance and see you toss Ezra around, I'll have to pass." Claire said, making a stick figure of Arnold on her notebook. "Besides, I don't think Arnold would accept. He barely knows me."

"That's why you ask him out." Dot reasoned, as if it was just that simple. "I don't think he would say no. I caught him looking at you that time we went to get frozen yogurt and I could tell he thinks you're quite cute."

Claire blushed. "He does not."

"Why shouldn't he?" Dot asked, drawing an angry alien face on Claire's notebook. "You are damn cute."

"He might not see it." Claire said, still red in the face.

"He should." Dot fought back.

"But he might not." Claire said, just as sternly.

"I could ask him for you." Dot said, shrugging her shoulders.

"And then he'd think I couldn't do anything for myself and that I'm a major wimp." Claire said, sighing.

"That's because you are." The corners of Dot's mouth twitched.

Claire couldn't think of anything else to say, finally she glared at Dot. "Just.. just.. Shut up about it, please."

"Fine, I will." Dot said. "But-"

"Shut it." Claire warned, but she was smiling.

Claire arrived early to band practice that Monday night, and found Jude alone in the basement. She waved in greeting, hoping Ezra and Dot would show up soon. She found it extremely difficult to find words to say to the quiet cousin of loud Ezra.

"Hello." She finally said, taking off her coat and sitting down on the speaker. Her usual resting place.

"Hey." He grunted back. He was brooding over his keyboard, still trying to learn the songs they had asked him to.

"Are you having much luck?" She asked, after an awkward minute of silence.

"Nah." He said, shaking his head. "I don't think you guys need me. I'll just, you know, screw everything up."

"You're still new to the band, you're still learning." She said in his defense. She didn't want him to look down on himself, and she knew Ezra wanted Jude to be involved in their lives more.

"Maybe." He said, his voice sounded doubtful.

Finally, after another awkward pause, Ezra and Dot came stomping down the stairs wearing matching purple jackets and matching purple streaks in their hair. Ezra had some in his bands, and Dot had some at the tips of her long blonde locks.

"Do you like?" Dot grinned, running over to Claire and eager to show off her new look.

"It's.. different." Claire laughed, admiring Dot's hair.

"We thought we should get new clothes to match our new style." Dot said, modeling the jacket for Claire. "We found these at a thrift shop. We wanted to get one for you, but they only had two. So we got you a pink one."

She pulled a pink jacket out of hiding, it had been stuffed inside an old trunk by the piano. "Tadah!"

Claire grinned, it was kind of cute. It was a long, pink jacket with Claire's name clumsly stitched into the back with their offical "Indie Jane" patch sewed beneath it.

Dot grinned. "I did all the stitching. Do you like it?"

"I love it." Claire laughed, trying it on. "We have official band jackets now."

"We still need to get Jude one." Ezra said, admiring his own purple coat. "How about blue, dude?"

Jude blushed. "I don't need one.. I'm not really a part of the band."

"Yes you are!" Ezra's tone was a bit harsh. "You're our piano man."

Jude shook his head helplessly. "Too bad I suck."

"You'll get better." Ezra clapped him on the back and then walked over to his bass guitar. "Lets get practice started then."

Like every other practice; Dot, Ezra, and Claire played their new songs with ease and learned quickly. Jude on the other hand couldn't seem to catch onto anything, and kept getting so frustrated he almost walked out of practice three times.

"I stink." He said regretfully after practice, as they put away their instruments. "I'm so sorry guys.."

Claire felt bad for him. "Hey, you're trying. That means a lot to us."

He looked surprised, even flattered. His cheeks were a bit pink. "Thanks."

She smiled. "No problem.. and hey, you almost got 'wallflowers on tuesday' down."

He shrugged. "It's a great song, I don't want to mess it up.. I know it means a lot to you. I can't believe you wrote something like that all by yourself."

She blushed. "Thanks."

They stared at each other for a moment, Claire unsure of the look in Jude's eyes. He was looking at her with an almost longing look. For a split second, she wondered if he liked her. Then it passed and she told herself was was being silly. Why would he like her of all people?

"I better be going." She said, picking up her guitar. "I gotta be home before dark."

"I could walk you home." He suggested suddenly, his eyes bright. "I could.. you know... carry your guitar for you."

She saw Dot and Ezra exchange a look. "Um.. sure."

"You two have fun now." Dot joked, she was staying to hang out with Ezra. They were going to sew patches on their new (used) jackets. "And don't do anything I wouldn't do."

Claire groaned inwardly as Dot and Ezra giggled madly and ran up the stairs. Jude was blushing. But the pair made their way out of the basement and walked to Claire's house in silence. Jude looked at her a great deal, but he couldn't seem to form the words. She couldn't either.

Great, she thought, am I forever not going to be able to talk to guys? That sounds like a fun life.

At her house, he gave her back her guitar and finally spoke, his head bent and his hands in his pockets as if guarding himself from her. "Um.."

She echoed. "Um."

"Bye." He finally managed.

"Bye." She said, the awkwardness about to kill her.

Finally he went his way and she ran into her house.

Idiot, Jude called himself on his lonely walk back home.

Idiot, Claire called herself as she leaned against her front door and felt her heart racing.

The fact that Jude may like her actually made Claire's life just that much brighter. It wasn't so much that Jude liked her, but the fact that someone did. It was new to Claire, whom had only had one another guy have a crush on her and that had been her one (and only) boyfriend David Patowski.

Sadly, the good days had to come to an end when she flunked yet another geometry test. This was one hurt even more than the last because she had sincerely tried to study and had thought she knew what she was doing. The paper came back with that now famalier F scrawled across it. Above the F was Mrs. Hans cramped handwriting.

"I expected better." It read. Claire's stomach was tied up in knots.

She left geometry and found Dot in the choir room. She miserably showed Dot her paper and Dot was full of sympathy that made Claire feel a little better. She even let Claire have one of her twinkies.

"Look at it this way." Dot said through chews. "At least you've been getting average grades on your assignments, you'll pass at least."

"Yeah." Claire knew she would pass, she always sailed by with a D. "I actually tried this time and still failed. I don't understand it. I must be a complete moron to study for four hours last night and still not pass."

"Geometry is just your hurdle in life." Dot said wisely. "Mine is bees."

"Bees?" Claire asked, raising an eyebrow questioningly.

"You wouldn't understand." Dot said darkly. "Anyway, maybe you just need some help. I could tutor you."

Claire agreed. "I'm going to need all the help I can get."

"And today isn't totally wasted." Dot said with a twinkle in her eye. "I noticed Arnold was wearing red today."

"Ooh, I do love him in red." Claire said, smiling.

Claire turned in her seat to see Arnold, who was hanging out with a group of kids in the back of choir room. Instead she found him over by the file cabinets, his arms around Megan Lewis in a big bear hug and they were giggling happily about something. Claire suddenly felt ill.

"They could be just friends." Dot said, making a face.

"Yeah, that's why he's touching her ass right?" Claire asked miserably.

"Guys are guys." Dot explained. "Except Ezra. I think he's a bit of a girl sometimes..."

She dropped the subject and let Claire wallow in her self-pity for a while. Dot knew it was best not to say anything. Claire was feeling much too miserable to hear it. She hadn't known Arnold liked Megan Lewis, the pretty redheaded soprano. Then again, she didn't know a lot of things about him.

Claire rushed out of class as soon as the bell rang and in her hurry to get out the door, she accidently smashed the heavy wood door into someone. Claire gasped at her mistake, and went to help whoever she had hit. It was a goth girl she had never seen before, petite and pretty but tough. Claire could tell that right away.

"Watch where you're going, dumbass!" The girl spat, standing up on her own and glaring at Claire. She had big blue eyes and black dreads that went down to her shoulders. She was dressed in a lacy black dress and striped tights. Her shoes were tiny black boots. Claire had never seen someone like her in Davidson High School - land of the preppies.

"Sorry." Claire stuttered. "I didn't watch where I was going.. I am so sorry."

The girl stared at Claire with great dislike. "Yeah, sorry really helps. Go to hell."

Claire's mouth opened and closed. She wasn't sure what to say. "... Hey, I said-."

The girl smirked. "Yeah, you said sorry. Wonderful for you. Now fucking excuse me, I was going somewhere when you nearly killed me."

Claire's temper flared. "What do you want me to do? Get on my knees and apologize?"

"Fuck you." The girl said, then she got in Claire's face and did the oddest thing. She hissed.

She then stomped off towards the office and Claire stood there in shock. She couldn't believe what had just happened. She had said she was sorry, what else could she have done? A few people who had heard the exchange chuckled and went on their way. Claire's face burned with embarrasement. First the test, then Arnold, and now this. Life was grand, Claire thought sarcastically. She had a few tears in her eyes.

Claire hid in the bathroom for the rest of the day.

"I would of punched her." Dot said when Claire told her the story of the mad Goth girl encounter. "No one gets in my face like that without getting some back."

"I couldn't think of anything to say or do." Claire shrugged helplessly. "I'd never been spoken to like that in my life."

"I wonder who she is." Dot wondered. "We don't really have a lot of Goth kids at Davidson.. just mainly that kid Ronnie who thinks he's a vampire."

"I think she's new, I saw her registering." Ezra said, as the three sat in the basement and tried to write songs. They were taking a gossip/cupcake break. Ezra's Mom made amazing cupcakes.

"Great." Claire said darkly. "Now she can pick on me all the time."

Dot smiled. "I'll protect you."

"You can't beat people up." Ezra objected. "You're supposed to be a hippy... you know, peace love and harmony."

"I do believe in those things." Dot agreed. "But I also believe in sticking up for myself and my friends. If it gets physicial, so be it."

Ezra was amused by Dot's tough-guy attitude. "Uhhu, sure. I'll believe it when I see it."

"I could take you." Dot countered.

"That's because you're the jolly green giant." height impaired Ezra objected.

"And you're an elf." She said, giving him a pat on the head.

Claire wasn't listening, she was in her own little world and thinking of the things she would have to face. Like the fact she was close to flunking geometry, that Arnold may be interested in someone else, that she couldn't blame him for being into someone else since he really didn't even know Claire, and that there was a new girl that would probably kill Claire with her bare hands if she saw Claire again.

She sighed sadly. And to think life was going so well just that morning...

When Claire arrived home, Emily and her mother were in the living room and watching a reality show that they loved. Claire found it annoying. She took off her pink thrift store jacket and sat down to watch it with them anyway.

During a commerical break, Susan looked over at her oldest daughter and tilted her head to once side. "You look like you've had a hard day."

Claire shrugged. "Eh."

"Fine, don't tell me." Susan said, a bit of a smile on her face. She then turned to her gossip queen of a younger daughter. "So Emily, why is your sister looking as if she lost her best friend?

Emily shrugged. "Beats me, but in her diary she writes about missing David Patowski sometimes-"

Claire gasped. "You read my diary!"

Just as she reached over to strangle the thirteen year old, Susan got between them. "Hey, no violence in the house. If you want to kill each other, please go outside."

"Then tell your daughter not to snoop in my stuff." Claire said, her eyes blazing.

"I just peeked in her diary." Emily said, giving Susan her innocent but apologetic smile that usually worked.

"You shouldn't of even done that." Susan said sternly, the smile hadn't worked this time. "What have we told you about staying out of Claire's room? You wouldn't want her reading your secrets, now would you? Claire's diary is off-limits."

"It's not a diary." Claire said loudly. "It's my journal. A diary sounds like something that little snot faced brat would keep."

"Whatever." Susan said, not bothered by the specifics. "Now go up to your room Emily and finish your homework."

"But you said I could watch tv for an hour!" Emily objected, stomping her foot in dismay.

"I've changed my mind." Susan said in her best mom voice.

"I'm sorry." Emily said to Claire. "Now can I please watch the rest of the show... please?"

Claire could see her Mom weakening already. Emily was so adorable that she got her way most of the time. "Well.."

"Mom!" Claire said, angry. "She read my journal. I think that deserves at least some kind of punishment."

"She'll do your chores for a week." Susan decided. "But I did tell her she could watch the show..."

Claire sat back on the couch and folded her arms. "Fine, let her have her way once again. Nothing new there."

When their Mom wasn't looking, Emily gave Claire aa smug smile that obviously told Claire that Emily knew she had won the battle. Claire had the strongest urge to hit the tiny blonde across the room, Gap clothes and all.

After the show, Susan stood up and neatened up the room. She picked Claire's pink coat off the floor and looked at it with obvious distaste. "I'll never understand why I buy you new clothes when you insist on dressing like a hobo."

Claire felt her anger rise up again. "Because I don't want to look like everyone else. I'm not a clone like Emily."

Emily sniffed. "Yeah, we are quite different. Hobo Claire doesn't have a life.. unlike Clone Emily."

"Girls..." Susan warned. "Claire, don't pick on your sister."

Claire was stung by the injustice of it all. "She started it by reading-"

"She's just a kid." Susan said, as if that explained it all.

"I'm not the one being unfair here." Claire fought, tears in her eyes. "Everyone else is being unfair to me today. Even you Mom."

Susan looked surprised. "What did I do?"

"Calling me a hobo, for one." Claire said with a laugh that she didn't feel. "and siding with Emily over everything. I'm sorry that I'm not just like you and I don't like to wear clothes that come from the mall. I'm sorry that I prefer dime stores and thrift shops. I'm so sorry I'm not up to your standards."

"Honey-" Susan looked stricken when Claire started to cry in the middle of the living room. "I don't think you're.."

It was too late, Claire had been through too much that day. She went upstairs and hid in her room, crying into her pillow. She didn't answer the door when Emily and her Mom knocked. She had locked them out and she wanted to keep it that way.

It was hard being a nobody sometimes.

go on to part five..

part three - indie jane.

2005-11-02T19:15:34Z

Dot wanted to be the one to give Ezra the good news, but the girls didn't find him until lunch time. He was sitting at his usual round table in the back of the cafeteria, eating Cheetos and washing it all down with three bottles of Mountain Dew. He ate the same thing for lunch every single day. Maybe a sandwich on the side sometimes.

He smiled when he saw them coming, and they noticed he had Cheeto dust all around his lips and on his chin. "Hey my minions!"

"Have you ever heard of a napkin, you slob?" Dot asked, throwing a pile of napkins at him.

"Have you ever heard of shutting up?" He asked happily, glad that they had joined him for lunch.

"Nice one." She mocked, but with a bit of a grin on her face. "Anyway, we have some spectacular news for you, my dear."

"Really?" He looked surprised, as he cleaned up his face.

"Yep." Dot smiled smugly. "We, meaning Indie Jane, are going to be playing in the talent show come May."

Ezra nearly jumped out of his chair. "No way!"

"Yes way." Dot said, clapping her hands. "I was talking to Claire about it this morning and we decided-"

"Wait a minute." Ezra held his hands up for silence. "Did Dot talk you into this Claire or was it your own idea?"

Claire shrugged. "Well.."

"We've talked about this Dot." Ezra said, with surprising sternness. "And we said that it would have to be up to Claire. I don't want you pushing her into anything. You pushing her around is the same as everyone else pushing her around."

"No it isn't, I'm doing it for her own good." Dot argued.

"Maybe so, but us playing in the show has to be up to Claire." Ezra said, nodding decidedly. "So Claire, no pressure from us or anything, but do you really, really want to? We won't be mad if you don't wawnt to, right Dot?"

"I guess so." Sulked Dot. Ezra gave her a look. "Ok, we won't be mad.."

Claire felt pressure to agree, but Ezra patted her shoulder in a brotherly gesture. That made her feel better. She knew he truly wouldn't mind if she said no.

"Well.. I guess we could try." She said, feeling a surge of confidence. "As long as we practice really hard and try out some new material."

"Yes!" Dot pumped her fist in the air. A few kids at a table nearby stared at her as if she was mad and giggled to themselves nervously.

Ezra beamed. "So, you're sure about it Claire?"

Claire nodded. "Yep."

He gave her a handful of cheetos in celebration. "Rock on. We'll win it too, I bet!"

She smiled. "Maybe."

"Nah, we will." Dot said with extreme confidence. "Exit 77 doesn't stand a chance against the forces of the almighty Indie Jane!"

Claire brought them back to reality. "We really do need a keyboard player before the big show though, remember that. We were supposed to get one months ago."

"True." Ezra said, blighted by this realization for a moment. Then suddenly an idea popped into his head. "I know! Jude can play a little piano, I can ask him if he'd help us out."

Dot looked skeptical. "A little piano, you say?"

"He knows enough to learn our songs." Ezra said, unconcerned about the big picture. "We can try him out anyway. It's better than nothing, yes?"

"True." Dot had to admit.

"Don't worry about a thing." He said, slapping her hand away as Dot tried to steal some cheetos. "Leave it all to me."

"Oh great, now we're really screwed." She muttered under her breath.

"Did you say something dear?" Ezra inquired politely. "I couldn't quite hear you, you were muttering.. I do hate when people mutter."

"I didn't say anything." Dot said sweetly, batting her eyelashes at him.

"Thank you Altos, you're done for the day. Now I need the tenors, please." Mrs. Fields told the Alto girls after they finished practicing a few of their winter songs. It was the next day and Claire had thought of nothing but the talent competition. She couldn't even concentrate on her choir music.

As she walked back to her seat, she passed Arnold on his way to the piano. He gave her a grin, and a nod. "I heard you singing up there Wilson, you have a nice voice."

He always called her by her last name for some reason. "Er, thanks. I couldn't remember some of the words.."

"It still sounded good." He assured her.

"Well-" She started to say.

"Mr. Stewert, would you care to join us?" Mrs. Fields asked, the other tenors were already standing beside the piano and waiting to sing.

"Oops." He said, giving Claire one last smile. "Later Wilson."

"Later." She said softly, but he didn't hear her.

"What did he say?" Quized Dot, as soon as Claire had taken her seat.

"Not much." Claire shrugged, red in the face just thinking about it. "He, er, thinks I have a nice voice."

Dot looked impressed. "A compliment, eh? Wow."

Claire shook her head, embarrased. "It's nothing."

"I don't know." Dot said, nodding towards Arnold. "He's looking at you."

Claire dared to look up and sure enough, Arnold was stealing glances at her and trying to get her attention. When he did, he stuck his tongue out at her. Claire was so shocked, she wasn't sure what to do. So she did the first thing that came to mind; she flipped him off. He cracked up laughing, and so did Dot and Claire.

It wasn't unusual for Arnold to joke around with her, he did it every once in a while. That was about the extent of their relationship. Dot seemed to think it meant something though. "I think he at least KIND of likes you."

"Nah." Claire said sadly. "He just thinks I'm fun to joke around with every great while."

"It's a start." Dot said, nodding as if she knew all the answers. "It is a start."

After class, Claire ended up walking next to Arnold as they exited the classroom. He nudged her with his elbow. "You flipped me off. How mean."

"I am cruel." She told him.

"Very." He agreed, grinning.

Then his friends caught his attention and he wandered off. She sighed discontently, wondering if she was going to spend the rest of her life waiting for small moments with him. It wasn't very fun. She had so many things to tell him, but she couldn't. How could she when she really didn't even know him yet? She never had the chance..

"Being shy sucks." She mummbled to herself on her way to health class.

"Don't I know it." Said a nobody freshman, wandering past.

Claire had to laugh. At least she wasn't the only one...

Indie Jane practiced for three hours that night, which was pretty long for them. They decided that if they were serious, they would have to take time out of their lives and get down to business. They even had a half-written song with serious potential of being one of the songs they played at the talent show. They called it 'homeschool prom.'

After practice, Claire went home and Dot hung out for a while with Ezra. They sat up in his room and played with finger paints. They made streaks across his bed covers. His Mom would be furious the next morning.

"So." Dot said, since they hadn't spoken for at least an hour. "Do you really think Claire is serious about playing in the talent show or just going along with it to make us happy?"

"I think she's serious." Decided Ezra, making a long purple streak with his index finger down his white comforter. "She has no reason not to be, she's a good musician. Naturally she wants to play for people, she just has to overcome a bit of shyness."

"A lot of shyness, you mean." Dot smiled, fondly thinking of her friend. "She's cute really, the way she cares so much."

"Yeah, she is." Agreed Ezra. "I feel like she's my little sister sometimes, I feel like I need to protect her."

"Me too." Dot said, sighing. "I wish we could."

"But we can't." Ezra sighed too.

"This is getting boring." Dot decided, wiping her paint covered hands on the back of Ezra's shirt. "Let's do something else."

"Like what?" Ezra asked, also wiping his hands on his shirt.

"I dunno." Dot spoke lazily, leaning against the wood wall his bed sat beside. "You think of something, my brain is too tired."

"We could make out." Ezra suggested.

Dot looked at him for a moment, as if appraising him.

"Eh." She finally said, closing her eyes.

The dreaded day of the geometry test was suddenly upon Claire Thursday morning. She had gotten A's on all of her assigments, but that was only because she had copied off of Dot and Ezra. Now, she had to rely on her own knowledge... And when it came to geomtry, it wasn't much.

Kate was sitting in front of Claire, as always, and looked supremely unconcerned. Claire wished she could smack the girl upside the head and maybe upset her perfect hair a bit. She checked herself though, it wasn't Kate's fault Claire was so lousy at geometry.

"Are you ready for the test?" Kate had inquired, when they came into the classroom.

"I guess we'll see." Claire had joked.

Kate had smiled. "I'm sure you'll do fine."

Hah, thought Claire.

The test was one of those "show your work" type tests. While Claire could figure out the basics, she couldn't show her work. She started to sweat as she tried to figure out the problems, and by the time the class ended - she only had ten out of twenty finished.

"I didn't finish." She told Mrs. Hans, as the teacher collected the test.

"Tsk, tsk.. you know the rules." The teacher had clucked. "Thirty minutes is your time limit."

"Tough luck." Kate said sympathetically, overhearing. "Did you get most of it done though?"

Claire nodded. Liar, she called herself.

She was miserable the rest of the day, just thinking of bringing home an F on her test. Her mom would ground her for at least two weeks. That's what you get for not doing your own homework, she told herself.

Dot told her the same thing. "I told you, you wouldn't learn if you just took my work. Now see what you've done."

Claire made a face. "Shut up Dot."

For once, Dot listened.

The next day, Claire's worst fears were confirmed. The papers were handed back and to Claire's dismany; a big, fat red F was scrawled at the top of her paper. She groaned inwardly, then quickly hid the paper in her pink binder so Kate wouldn't see. As Claire knew she would, Kate turned around to show off her A-.

"I so missed problem five, but the rest were really easy. How about you?" Kate was grinning about her excellent grade and she was eager to let Claire share some of her joy.

"Oh, you know.." Claire started on another lie, but the bell rang. Saved by the bell. She hurried out of class and didn't look back.

"My Mom is going to kill me." Claire whined, as she walked home from school with Ezra. He was looking over her paper and laughing at the mistakes she made.

"Then don't tell her about it." He said matter-of-factly.

Claire glared at him. "Have you ever gotten an F before?"

"Not since second grade." He admitted. "I totally flunked my first multiplication test. I was devestated. I could never look at 3x4 the same way again. I think it scarred me for life."

She almost smiled. "Well, if you get an F on a test - your parent has to sign your paper to show that they've seen it."

"Damn." Ezra said. "Well.. you could always forge her signature. You know how to, right?"

Claire smiled sheepishly. "Yeah, I used to sign myself out of gym class all the time."

He grinned. "Oh yeah, you used to write yourself an excuse every time we played dodgeball."

"I guess I could." Claire said thoughtfully. "Then try to learn geometry, that way I won't flunk any more tests."

"Good for you." Ezra said, patting her on the back. "We can't have you grounded, so I think it's for the best. We need you for band practice."

She sighed. "I hate geometry."

"Me too." He said, then took a cigar out of his pocket. "Hey, do you think I look good smoking?"

She looked at him in alarm. "Wow, random subject change there.. Since when you smoke?"

"I don't." He assured her. "I just thought I might look good doing it. A lot of painters do, I know."

He posed with the cigar, his hands on his hips in a superman pose. "So?"

She cracked up laughing, so hard she almost fell on the sidewalk. "You look like a fool, my friend."

"Damn." He said, staring at the cigar in dislike. "It tastes bad anyway. Besides, Dot would kill me."

"As would I." Claire giggled. "Besides, if you lit that thing in your room, the whole place would go up in flames."

Ezra hadn't thought of that, he dropped the cigar and smashed it into the ground with his purple sneakers. "I guess I'll take up a less drastic habit. Maybe I should dye my hair funny colors."

"The school will kick you out." She informed him. "No colors that aren't natural."

"Damn." He looked so disapointed. "Maybe I could get away with a bit of purple in my bangs or something? I like the color purple. It reminds me of grapes... grapes are good."

"Purple bangs would be awesome." She agreed, smiling. "You're an odd one Ezra."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" He inquired, doing a jig in the middle of the sidewalk and amusing the people in the passing cars.

"A good thing." She decided. "And never change."

The rest of the month and the next month, Claire spent a lot of time studying geometry and while she didn't ace her next test, she got a decent grade. A nice, average C. She smiled happily as she held her test, a C was much better than an F.

"Eh, a C." Kate had commented. "Will your parents be mad?"

Claire stared at Kate as if she was mad. "Are you kidding? My Mom will be thrilled."

Kate looked almost envious. "My Dad would throw a fit."

Claire was certainly glad she didn't have Kate's parents.

Geometry wasn't the only thing taking over Claire's life, band practice was behind scheduled right and left. They had asked Jude to be their keyboardist and he had politely accepted. He had been stunned when he sat in on a practice session.

"You guys are really good!" He said, looking at Claire in amazement. "And your voice.. wow. You sound amazing."

She blushed. She wasn't sure what to say.

Jude wasn't the keyboardist they'd always dreamed of, he learned slow and he afraid he'd drown the others out with the loud, klunky keyboard he had borrowed from school. He was always apologizing for his mistakes, but the others liked him and thought that maybe he'd get better over time. Hopefully.

At least one thing was going well, Claire was writing songs like there was no tomorrow. They learned and practiced the best. Ezra helped her write the music and Dot helped on the lyrics. Jude gave them quiet, but sincere praise for their music, which helped more than he knew.

"I can't wait to show Ezra the lyrics I wrote last night." Dot said gleefully one Saturday morning, as Claire and herself bought new guitar strings and picks. They left the music store clutching their purchases.

"The song is pretty groovy." Claire said, she had looked over it that morning and had been impressed.

"I never wrote something like that before." Dot was so proud of herself, she kept breaking into song at random moments. Like she did as they walked down the small town's main strip and towards the Frozen Yogurt place.

"Are you happy about something Dot?" Came a call from behind them.

They turned around to see Arnold stridding along behind them, carrying a bag from the grocery store and looking as if he had just gotten a new hair cut. Claire liked it.

"I'm always happy." She informed him, nudging Claire. "Right Claire?"

Claire smiled weakly. "She's so happy I think she's on drugs sometimes."

Dot looked at Claire in alarm, then laughed. Arnold did too.

"That is a false accusation." Dot said, giving Claire a playful slap.

"So what are you guys up to?" Arnold asked, walking with them. He was on Claire's side. She tried her hardest not to bump into him.

"We are going to get some yogurt." Dot informed him, her hair swooshing back and forth in the light breeze. "Care to join us?"

"Why not." He sounded unconcerned and happy.

Claire bit her lip, what was Dot doing?

"We just came from the music store." Dot told him, holding up her purches as proof. "Do you shop there?"

"Nah, I like Ivan's music store." He said. "What did you guys buy?"

"Guitar stuff for Claire and Ezra." Dot informed him, then added with a wink at Claire. "She plays, you know."

Arnold was surprised. "Really? So do I!"

"I know." Claire blushed. "I've seen you.. Exit 77."

He looked pleased that she knew of his band. "Cool, so.. are you guys in a band?"

"Maybe." Dot said mysteriously. "Would that scare you?"

He laughed, running his hand through his hair and looking as if he was enjoying himself. "Are you thinking of competing against us?"

"We might." Claire smiled, just to tease him.

"Then be afraid, very afraid." He told them. "We have been practicing some new songs and we're pretty good."

"We didn't say we were going to." Dot didn't want to give away too many secrets. "Just that we might."

He shook his head, grinning. "Ok then."

The three then went into the yogurt place and Arnold, being a gentlmen, treated them to some frozen yogurt. They sat in a back booth, laughing and talking about bands they liked. Claire found it surprisingly easy to talk to him out of school. Especially with Dot at her side.

After they were finished, he walked them out of the restauraunt. He looked directly at Claire, she spoke up nervously. "Uh, thanks for the yogurt."

"Yeah." Dot agreed.

"No problem." He said with an easy smile. Claire's heart nearly broke. "I gotta go pick up some things for my Mom at the store, but I'll see you guys at school Monday."

"See ya." Dot said vaguely, ready to leave.

Claire never wanted to go. "Um, yeah.. see you."

They walked their seperate ways and once they were out of hearing, Dot squealed. "I'm so proud of you Claire! You didn't freak out once."

Claire was in shock. "And I didn't say anything stupid or horribly, horribly embarrasing!"

Dot had to laugh. "Even if you had, I don't think he would of cared. He really is a nice guy, isn't he?"

Claire smiled just thinking of him. "He really is."

"And he shall be yours." Predicted Dot.

Claire cracked up laughing and so did Dot. They didn't stop until they got to Dot's houses and her mom told them to stop acting like hooligans. They sounded like wild monkeys, she said.

Which just made them laugh even harder.

go on to part four..